From Ashes (11 page)

“I have night classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, but if you want me, I’ll be there.”

God, I wanted him in so many ways
.
Ways that I shouldn’t . . . couldn’t. “Then I guess I’ll see you every other night.”

Chapter Eight

C
ASSIDY

“
D
INNER WAS GREAT,
Cassi, see you on Thursday!” Jake gave me a quick side hug and headed for the door.

“Thanks again, Cass. Can you make your lasagna next time?”

“Sure, Grant.” I hugged him back after letting him see my eye-roll. “Any dessert preferences?”

“Your triple-chocolate cake!”

All the guys moaned and then turned to look at me with the poorest excuse for puppy eyes.

“Please, Cass, you haven’t made that in weeks.” Adam’s bottom lip trembled lamely and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes again.

“You guys are pathetic. Okay, well since it’ll be our last night together for a few weeks, lasagna and triple-chocolate cake on Thursday. Now get out or help me with the dishes.” I’ve never seen an apartment clear out that quickly. Jerks.

Gage started walking into the kitchen and froze when the door opened suddenly and Ethan and Adam ran back in, grabbed the rest of the peanut butter chunk brownies, and ran back out the door. Gage chuckled softly and stepped up next to me. “You washing or drying tonight?”

“I dried last night, I’ll wash tonight.”

He picked up a dish towel and stepped to the side as Tyler walked in and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Good dinner, babe, do you need any help in here?”

I raised an eyebrow and stopped scrubbing the pan. “Did you want to do the dishes?”

“Err, uh . . . I’m gonna go check the score of the game.”

That’s what I thought. I went back to the pan and handed it off to Gage when I was done. This was our new routine. Gage would help with the dishes before he went back to his place, and Tyler would come in to make sure there wasn’t anything going on he wasn’t okay with. After a month and a half of Gage coming around again, you’d think he’d have been over it by now. Apparently not. Ty continued to kiss me too often and make his presence known whenever Gage and I were in the same room. Not like we ever did anything. I got a hug when he walked through the door and before he walked out it. Other than that, it stayed strictly friend-level.

“Y’all gonna come visit? My sisters have been asking about you a lot.”

“Uh, I don’t think so, Gage.” The last time I was there I’d fallen in love with his family almost as fast as I’d fallen in love with him. I still had dreams at night of us living together somewhere on the ranch, or close to it. There was something about that ranch that felt more like home than Mission Viejo ever had. But being there would just bring back that awful morning, and I still wasn’t ready for that. “Besides, we’re not even going back to California this winter. I haven’t gotten any time off at work; most of the employees are taking long vacations. So they need all the help they can get.”

“Well”—he nudged my side with his elbow—“you’re welcome anytime. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” After a quick look at Tyler to make sure he was deep in the game, I turned slightly toward his cousin. “I just don’t think that’s the best idea considering . . .” I trailed off and braved a glance into his green eyes, only to find them fixated on Tyler, jaw clenched so hard I could see the muscles working.

“Probably right. Merry Christmas then, I guess. I’m gonna head back to the ranch in the morning; I’ll be back in three weeks.”

“Merry Christmas, Gage—oh! Wait, I have your present.”

“Present? Cassidy, you really didn’t need to get me anything.”

I smiled and grabbed his arm, towing him back toward my room. “I didn’t
get
you anything. And if you don’t like it, don’t worry about it. It won’t hurt my feelings or anything.” I was surprised that Tyler didn’t jump up and follow us in there, but I figured I only had a minute or so before he realized we weren’t in the kitchen anymore. “Here you go.” I worried my bottom lip as I shakily handed him his gift.

Gage walked over to his old bed and sat at the edge, just staring at the wrapped present for a few seconds. With a slight shake of his head, he unwrapped it slowly and paused when the front was revealed. His next intake of breath was audible and an oddly pained expression crossed his face. “Cass—” Looking up, he broke off quickly as his eyes narrowed on something behind me.

Tyler wrapped his arms around me and rested his chin on top of my head.

Gage stood up quickly and strode out of the room. “I gotta go. I’ll see y’all in a few weeks.”

“Later, man,” Tyler called after him, and waited for the door to shut before speaking again. “Did he not like it?”

My heart sank. “Guess not.”

G
AGE

W
HAT THE FUCK?
Was she trying to twist the knife that was already in my heart? She just had to throw the best night of my life back in my face even though it already hurt like hell watching them together. And I had no doubt they were together too. I don’t know if they’d always been like this and I’d just missed them kissing each other, or if I was just so in love with her I chose not to see it. But I was definitely seeing it now. It’s like Tyler couldn’t keep his damn hands off her. Not that
that
part was new, but now he kissed her so often even I could see how uncomfortable he was making her. I slammed my hand down on the steering wheel and cursed Tyler. It didn’t matter that I was still completely torn up from what happened last summer, or that she was bringing that memory back up; I hated seeing him touch her. She was mine. Granted, the flirting had stopped completely, but she still looked at me the same way she had all last year. Then she went and gave me that picture? I knew she was amazing with her camera, even if she thought her pictures weren’t anything special, and I saw her take it out often while we were at the ranch, but I had no idea she’d taken a picture of our spot. I’d barely looked at it for more than a few seconds, but it was perfect. The tree, the creek, and the hill we’d slept on were all there, blown up in black and white. Her tattoo and this? It’s like she was trying to make sure I couldn’t forget that night, which of course made me unable to forget the morning that followed. My eyes rolled when my phone rang; I figured it was Tyler getting ready to throw a bitch fit at me for leaving the way I did.

“What?” I all but growled.

“Oh, uh . . . sorry? Did I interrupt something?”

Glancing at the screen, then back to the road, I brought the phone back up to my ear and sighed. “Sorry, Cara, thought you were my cousin. What’s up?”

She giggled and paused before continuing. “Well, I know it’s not Monday or Wednesday, but I’m leaving to go home for break tomorrow and I was thinking we could get together . . .” She trailed off suggestively.

Thoughts of Tyler’s arms wrapped around Cassidy’s waist as she watched me open that picture flashed through my mind and I tightened my grip on the steering wheel. “I’ll be at your place in ten.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

I ran a hand through my hair, pulling at it slightly. Cara was one of the girls I’d been seeing since I started hanging around Cass again.
Seeing
might be the wrong term, since we never did anything outside of a half hour in the bedroom. Once I realized that Tyler wasn’t full of shit and they were actually together, I’d stopped waiting for a girl who would never be mine and did the one thing I knew would piss Cassidy off more than anything. I slept with every damn girl who was the exact opposite of her. Including Brynn. Tall, red or blond hair, and any eye color other than the golden honey of Cassidy’s eyes, and I was game.

It’s not like I rubbed it in her face; in fact I knew she didn’t have a clue about it, and I wanted to keep it that way. I secretly hated what I was doing . . . I was disgusted with myself but I couldn’t stop. I wanted to forget her, forget the way her small frame felt beneath me and curled up in my arms.

Pulling up outside Cara’s apartment, I hopped out of my truck and made my way to her door. She opened it before I could knock and stood there in black lacy underwear and bra, holding up a foil packet between her index and middle finger with a satisfied smirk or her face. After I grabbed the packet from her, she took my hand and walked me back toward her room, shutting and locking the door once we were in. She turned and wrapped her arms around my neck, bringing my face down to hers, but I removed her arms and pushed her back toward the bed. I couldn’t stop the roll of my eyes when she pouted but kept from saying anything; she knew how it was, and the fact that she was trying to change it just made me know nothing could happen between us after tonight. No kissing, and no holding each other after. The only two things I’d done with Cassidy, and I couldn’t bring myself to do them with anyone else now.

Cara’s pout turned into a hungry grin when I shed my clothes and rolled the condom on. Crawling onto the bed with her, I pulled down her underwear and threw it to the floor before sliding into her. My groan was matched by hers and I had to force my eyes back open before I could get lost trying to picture Cassidy beneath me. I’d made that mistake once already with a girl, Hannah, and the impressively forceful slap I’d received across my face from saying Cass’s name as I came served as a reminder to always keep my eyes open.

An hour later I was back at my place and taking a scalding hot shower, trying to wash away everything Cara. Cassidy’s sweet face when she told me she had a present for me kept flashing through my mind, making me feel even more nauseated over what I’d just done. I was drawing a blank as to why I was still trying to push her out of my mind this way, since it obviously wasn’t working. And God, if she ever found out, I knew she’d never look at me the same way again. The thought of her looking at me with the disgust I already felt had my gut churning even more and I had to steady myself against the wall when I felt like I was going to lose my dinner.

“God, what the hell is wrong with me?” I said out loud. “She doesn’t even want me.”

Shutting off the water, I stepped out of the shower and had just haphazardly tied a towel around my hips when my phone beeped. I cringed at the thought of Cara asking me again to be exclusive when we got back from break. I’d thought it earlier, but knew it for sure now: there was no way in hell I could see her again after tonight. Warily, I picked up my phone and let out a relieved yet strangled breath when I saw Cassidy’s name.

CASSIDY

I’m really sorry you didn’t like the picture. You told me it was your favorite spot on the ranch, and I realized I’d taken a picture of it at some point that week when we got back . . . I just thought . . . Well anyway, like I said you don’t need to keep it. I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year, see you when you get back?

What was I supposed to say to that? I wanted to ask how she could possibly think that was something I’d want to remember. I wanted to tell her I loved it just so she wouldn’t feel like I hated something she’d given me. I wanted to say the part I didn’t like was that she had gone back to Tyler like she always had, and I wanted to beg her to come with me to the ranch and leave Ty there. Jeez, why did she always turn me into such a fucking girl?

I do like the picture, Cass. I’m sorry I left the way I did, there were just a few things I needed to take care of before I left tomorrow. Enjoy your holidays, see you in three weeks.

Three long weeks of my life without Cassidy. Again.

Chapter Nine

C
ASSIDY

I
WAS JUST
about to slip into bed when Tyler came walking into my room with a hungry look on his face. Crap, not again. I’d done all our laundry, gone grocery shopping for us and for Gage since he was supposed to be back tomorrow or the next day, and all I wanted to do was lie down. Before I could say anything to him, he picked me up and laid me on the bed. “Ty, I’m really tired—oh!”

All coherent thoughts left me when he sucked on that sensitive spot behind my ear and made his way down my throat with soft kisses and barely-there licks. He grabbed the neck of his shirt and pulled it over his head before letting it drop to the floor and pressing me into the bed again. I let my fingers softly trail down his back and up his sides, causing him to shiver and his ever-present hard-on to make itself known. Heat swirled in my lower stomach and my heart raced when his hands glided across my waist under my shirt. My eyes were shut and I let my head fall back onto the pillow as I pictured Gage’s body pressed on top of mine. Before I realized what he was doing, my jacket was unzipped, my shirt was pushed up over my chest, and his mouth was sucking on my hardened nipple through the satin of my bra.

We’d never even gone this far, and although it felt incredible and part of me wanted him to take my bra off so there was nothing between me and his mouth, my body started shaking. And not in a good way. My mind may have been conjuring up images of Gage, but there was no way I could keep telling my body it was him when everything was so distinctively Ty. He slid the cup of my bra down, freeing my breast and resuming what he’d just been doing.

“Ty,” I breathed, and tried to ignore my body shaking even harder. “Ty.” The last one came out as more of a moan.

“I know, baby.” His hands left my bra and made quick work of unbuttoning my jeans and trying to shove them down. He growled and pushed up off me to take them the rest of the way off and came back down onto his elbows, so only his mouth and hips were against me. “Cassi,” he whispered against my skin when he rocked against me. The pressure and roughness of denim sent tingles through me, and he did it again.

When his hand traced over my underwear and moved it aside, my body froze momentarily and then started shaking in full force. “No, no no no no. Tyler, I can’t, I can’t do this.”

“You’ll enjoy it, Cassi, I promise.”

I knew I would. It wouldn’t be my first orgasm; it would just be the first one done by anyone other than myself. But I wasn’t ready for this. Not with Tyler. “Ty, please—” I groaned when his fingers trailed against my most sensitive area and I cursed myself for feeling any type of pleasure while my body and mind were obviously sickened at the idea of allowing this to continue. “Tyler, seriously, stop!”

His fingers stopped just barely inside me, and his head jerked up to look in my eyes. “Are you kidding me?” He didn’t remove his hand as he looked at me suspiciously. “You want this, Cassi, don’t tell me you don’t. Your little moans and sighs, and damn it, Cassi, you’re wet as fuck. So why are you telling me to stop?” Tyler searched my face and shook his head slightly. “I swear to God, if you say you don’t want this . . .”

“I—I—I do.” I took a deep breath and forced my eyes to stay open and not make any noises when his fingers curled inside me. “I do want this, Tyler, but not yet. I’m not ready yet.”

“You’re—”

“Tyler. Please.” My body was shaking harder now and for some stupid reason I was on the verge of tears. “I do want you, and yes, it feels”—I floundered for the right word—“incredible. But we’ve never done anything more than kiss, and this is moving way too fast right now. Can we please just ease into this?”

“Ease into this?
Ease?
Damn it, Cassi! We’ve been doing nothing but making out for almost four months.”

“I meant—”

“You have got to be shitting me.” He got off the bed, grabbed his shirt, and stormed across the apartment to his room.

I shakily pulled my pants back on, and fixed my shirt and hoodie before going to his door. “Tyler, please, talk to me.” I tried the knob but the door was locked, and though I stood there begging for him to open it, there was never a response.

M
Y BACK ARCHED
as his mouth sucked in one of my nipples and a soft moan escaped my throat. His hand came up to my other breast and gently massaged while his other hand started dropping lower, teasing my waist and hip before resting at the top of my underwear.

“Gage, please,” I begged, and grabbed fistfuls of his black hair.

“Please what?” If I couldn’t already feel it against me, the tone of his voice would have made it obvious he was smiling.

“Touch me.”

His hand slipped inside my underwear and I groaned embarrassingly loud when it finally touched where I wanted it most.

“Gage—” I moaned, and arched against his hand.

“The fuck did you just call me?”

My eyes shot open to find a pair of dark brown eyes looking down at me instead of green, his mouth in a straight line as his jaw ticked under the pressure.

“Ty—” I tried not to panic over the possibility that I had said his cousin’s name while we were kissing. Oh God, if the kissing was real, was the rest? I took a moment and almost sighed in relief when I noted one of Tyler’s hands was in my hair while the other was under my back, holding me closer to him. My shirt was on and the comforter was up to my waist and keeping an extra layer between us.

“What. Did. You. Call me.”

“I—I don’t know.”

His eyes went flat as he pushed himself off me and the bed. Last night came rushing back to me and I prayed the morning wouldn’t start off the same. He started to walk quickly out of my room, and I fought with the covers and comforter to run after him but he’d already thrown on his jacket and was walking out the door by the time I made it to my bedroom door.

“Shit.” I ran back to my nightstand, grabbed my phone, and called him, but it went straight to voice mail. Hoping it was a fluke, I waited a few minutes and tried again with the same result. I left a message begging him to call me and come back.

Two hours passed without a word from him, and I finally called Jackie, flipping out. “I’ll be right over!” she promised.

“Jackie—I need to go find him!”

“Um, no! No, you do not! I’ll be right over and we’re going to talk about this.”

We said our good-byes and I dressed for the freezing weather in case she decided to help me go looking for him. She showed up with two coffees and muffins, told me I better get comfy again because we weren’t going after him, and plopped down at the dining room table.

“Okay, spill.”

“What? I already told you everything.”

“Not really, you told me you called him Gage and he got pissed and took off. How did this even start though, is Gage back?” Obviously Tyler had known about my feelings for Gage, but Jackie was the only one who knew the extent of them.

I got up and walked to the breakfast bar, grabbed the paper, and gave it to Jackie as I went to sit back down. “He must be. I found this note from Ty saying he was going out to breakfast with him. He must have written it before coming to say good-bye to me . . . and, well, I’d been having a dream about Gage—”

“Dream? What kind of dream?”

I raised my eyebrows and just continued to stare at her.

“That kind, huh?”

“Well, we weren’t actually doing anything yet, but I kind of moaned his name and all of a sudden it’s Tyler’s voice and he was asking me what I’d just called him. I tried not to freak out, but the way Ty was looking at me, I knew I had actually said Gage’s name out loud.”

“What was Tyler doing? Had he been doing what Gage was in your dream?”

Thank God she got it. “No, but I was worried he had been! I’m guessing he just came to kiss me and I responded because of the dream, and . . . shit, Jackie, I didn’t even tell you about last night!” I quickly told her everything about last night and waited for her to respond.

“And nothing happened between you and Ty while you were alone these last three weeks?”

“No, nothing beyond kissing. I mean there were a few times when the kisses started getting to be too much while we were on one of our beds, but I always stopped it before it went farther than that. And his parents came for a week and a half, so thank God that always kept it pretty clean. But last night was definitely the farthest he’s ever tried to push it.”

“Has he been trying a lot?”

I nodded and rolled my eyes. “And he’s always getting mad about it too. Like actually yelling at me because I won’t sleep with him; last night wasn’t the first time it ended badly.”

“Whoa.” Jackie put both hands up, palms facing me, before letting them slap down on the table. “What?! He doesn’t hurt you, does he, Cassi?”

“
No!
Tyler would never touch me that way.” I didn’t know how to assure Jackie of that since she knew nothing about my life before Texas, but I knew Tyler would never hit me. “No, he just gets mad is all.”

She was still looking at me, a little unsure. “If he ever hurts you, you let me know. I’ll kick his ass.”

“And how are you going to do that?”

“I have my secrets.”

“Uh-huh. I’m sure you do.” Actually, I didn’t doubt it. She was one fierce little Asian. Ethan called her his little firecracker, and it fit her perfectly. She was tiny but came with more energy than anyone I knew and threw it into her emotions; whether it was happiness or anger, love or depression, she exuded it. And Jackie angry was pretty terrifying, if I say so myself.

“I’m serious. If he ever touches you, tell me.”

“Jackie, I swear to you. He wouldn’t. But he yells, saying that he’s waited long enough, and wants to know if it’s still because of Gage. He didn’t ask that last night, but with last night and then this morning, I know I’ve hurt him, Jackie. Maybe I should just do what he wants.”

“Cass, no, this is a big deal. Don’t just sleep with Tyler because it’s what he wants and he acts like a child when he doesn’t get his way. No one should ever push you into something like that, Cassi, and it’s not like you’re teasing him with it. We’ve all seen you two together, and I know you’re honest with him about not being ready. You’re really subdued when it comes to any type of affection with him; he’s the one always pressing the issue, even in public. Besides, he
knows
about your feelings for Gage, you didn’t ever try to hide that from him. Maybe y’all should take a break.”

“I know, I’ve thought about that too, I just—I’m afraid of losing Tyler in my life. He’s my best friend; I don’t know how I’d be able to deal without him there.”

“With how close y’all were before you moved here, I can’t see you losing that kind of friendship if this didn’t work out.”

I decided against telling her that Tyler had said it was all or nothing between us. I worried my bottom lip and glanced down at my phone, only to confirm what I already knew: he still hadn’t called or returned any of my texts.

Jackie left five hours later and I tried to occupy my mind with reality TV to pass the time. I hated having Tyler mad at me, and it was making me sick that I still hadn’t heard from him. I could have called Gage to find out if Tyler was still with him, but I didn’t know if Tyler would have told him what happened, and if he hadn’t, I didn’t want to be the one to do it.

After a few shows and a movie, I tried to call Tyler one last time before peeling off my clothes to take a long, hot shower, hoping the water would relax my still-tense body. I had just pulled on a pair of sleep pants and tank top and was running a brush through my wet hair when I heard a key in the lock. I ran out of the bathroom just in time to see Tyler stumble in with a tall redhead attached to his face. He shut the door and pushed her up against it, grabbing behind her thighs and lifting her so she could wrap her legs around his waist.

“Tyler?” I choked out, and he turned their bodies so he could see me.

“Oh, hey!” His eyes were glazed and though his speech wasn’t slurred, it was slower, and I knew he’d been drinking. “Cara, this is my sister Cassi. Cassi, this is Cara, she’s in a couple classes with me.”

Sister? Sister?!
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I just sat there watching as he walked them back to his room. Seconds later he walked back out and grabbed a couple beers from the fridge before turning to me.

“Sorry, did you want to say something?”

“Tyler, wh-what are you doing?” My voice was shaky and barely above a whisper.

“Finding someone who will take care of what you won’t,” he sneered, and his eyes narrowed on me. “What do you expect? For me to just wait for you forever? I can’t believe I wasted all that time on you, waiting for you to be ready. I should have just taken it from you.”

“Ty!”

“I have needs that you aren’t filling,
Cassidy
. Either give me what I want or get out.”

“What? Ty—I—I don’t—”

“Save it, Cass.” He grabbed my hand and led me toward the front door. “I’m so damn tired of being your crutch, find someone else for that.” He shoved me out the door before shutting and locking it.

“Tyler!” I pounded on the door for what must have been five minutes straight and he still never came out.

My teeth were clattering and my body was shaking. It’d been in the low thirties yesterday while I was out grocery shopping, and the sun had been out then. Now the wind was blowing hard and it was pitch-black outside. I couldn’t even begin to fathom what the temperature was. But here I was with wet hair, in socks, thin flannel pants, and an even thinner tank top. No phone. No keys. I didn’t know any of our neighbors, and after getting no answer when I knocked on their doors, I started walking to Gage’s town house. Not even a mile into my already-freezing walk, it started sleeting . . . hard. I could have gone into a store and asked to use the phone, but I didn’t know anyone’s number by heart, and I wasn’t about to ask some stranger for a ride. Hoping to warm myself up, I attempted to jog, but my body was so cold I felt like I was going slower than when I’d been walking.

G
AGE