From a Safe Distance (11 page)

I felt a sudden impulse, even after trying to explain: ‘I wish I could … I wish we were going away together,' I said cautiously.

‘Oh, come with me then, Vee,' he said softly, as we kissed. ‘Come with me to Edinburgh. I think I'm in –.'

‘ – Ssshh … don't … don't say it Max, please. I know.'

So he'd entered her life. He had no complaints about the way she'd told the story so far, but he hadn't yet found out what really happened in her next job, because they didn't see each other again after that evening; they simply went their separate ways. He had hoped she might come to the station to see him off. They spoke on the phone a couple of times, but they were not relaxed and things soon drifted.

Now he would hand this chapter to Helen, wondering how she would react to seeing him with Vee, who was about to start her new job. On with the story.

«Les plaies du coeur guérissent mal.
Souventes fois même, salut!
Elles ne se referment plus.»
G
EORGES
B
RASSENS

‘Are we still on for tonight?' I asked.

Patrick and I walked down the stairs together from the staffroom. Boys were not allowed upstairs, so they gathered in the foyer below to ask their questions or make their excuses when staff appeared.

‘Yes, Vee. Come round about six.' Father Patrick Collins, the school chaplain, had taken me under his wing, it seemed.

‘Sir, sir!'

‘Bit late for homework now, isn't it, Perkins?' Patrick held the door open for me as I had a pile of books. Most of the men at Arnold College were considerate, but a few thought I was invading a male bastion. Though with Sixth Form girls now, they had to start appointing female staff; once again I was a pioneer, as I had been by going to university.

The classes here were larger and the marking took longer; that old feeling of inadequacy was stalking me, bringing back uncomfortable memories of my first school. But Thursday evenings at Patrick's lightened the atmosphere and also stopped me thinking too much about Max.

Patrick had a First from Cambridge and was also an expert cook. He had styled himself Father: he was not a Catholic. His flat was attached to one of the boarding houses, so I think my visits sparked some gossip among the boys. I walked into his white kitchen that evening.

‘Hey! You'll never guess what Johnson came out with today!'

‘Well, obviously not, so you're going to have to tell me.' He had a great line in playful sarcasm. His warm baritone and the stress he put on certain syllables, to the point of
drawling, made his comments ring with irony and affection. The wine helped, too. I began chopping up some mushrooms for the sauce he was stirring. ‘Well, go on then, tell me!'

I laughed. ‘We were translating something into French and we needed to say, “I am back.”‘

Patrick put down his spoon, beckoned for me to add the mushrooms, then faced me, his hands braced on the worktop in mock suspense. ‘Oh, God! I think I know what's coming!' He grimaced, removing his glasses and keeping just one eye open. ‘Please put me out of my misery!'

I could hardly speak for laughing. ‘He said, “je suis dos”!'

Patrick howled. ‘I knew it! I knew it!'

This was our shared passion: words. Puns, jokes, dreadful translationese like this were everyday fare. Sometimes I think he made them up just for my benefit. He taught some Spanish but spoke fluent French as well, and his mediterranean appearance allowed him to pass as a native when he visited Spain every summer. I recognised the special look in his eyes for me, but it was all too often concealed by an actor's façade. There was a light which would vanish when noticed, leaving a touch of sadness as he looked away. He was proud to show me off when we ate at our favourite Indian restaurant, and he would take delight in teasing me in public, laughing at my red cheeks. At other times he could be very serious, even frosty, and our moods didn't always match up. And he never forgot he was a celibate priest.

Max was still on my mind although I hadn't spoken to him for a couple of weeks, but the fresh air Patrick brought into my life made Diane's party and the weeks with Max seem less real.

I didn't know it when I started work at Arnold College, but Max was still with me.

My periods had always been regular. But then I realised I was late, and my breasts felt heavy. So I bought a pregnancy test – and there it was: the result I had been dreading. I stared at it, trembling. Who could I talk to? I would tell Mum eventually, of course, but not until I had decided what
to do. Patrick was not best placed to give advice. There were the house-mothers. No. It would be better if it was somebody outside school. I made an appointment to see a nurse at my GP's surgery.

‘I've just found out I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do!' I blurted out.

Kathy raised her eyebrows, but otherwise her expression was controlled.

‘Does the father know?'

‘No. We … he's up in Edinburgh. We've both just started new jobs, and we're not seeing each other any more.'

‘I see. Maybe if you t–.'

‘–I don't want to upset his new life. He has a very important job.'

‘So what help do you need from me?'

‘I need to find out about having a termination.'

‘Are you sure? I think you may need more time.'

‘I've made up my mind. It's not the right time for me, even though I'm over thirty, and it's not the right time for … the father. He wouldn't be around and I couldn't do it, I mean, be a single mother. It would mess everything up.'

‘What makes you say that?'

What I didn't tell the nurse was that I didn't
deserve
a baby at all. That night I told Mum and Ron, and the decision I'd reached. Ron said he would pay for it and we all met up at the clinic, which was halfway between West Pluting and Howcester. Mum was very quiet. The clinic was a bleak place, with strict procedures. I tried to detach myself from what was happening. It was half-term, so nobody at school needed to know.

Mum and Ron had seen me through university and never let me go without in terms of practical and emotional support. They had offered to drive me back home, which made it a very long round trip for them. Mum sat in the back, still quiet, but she massaged my shoulders.

‘How do you feel, Vee?' Ron said, as we pulled out of the car park.

‘Tired, but OK. Thanks for doing all this for me.'

‘I'm here to help in any way I can.' We were stuck in traffic.

‘I can't help wondering, though, if this wasn't my only chance to have a baby.'

‘Oh, you'll get another chance, I'm sure. Don't worry, Vee.'

Hot tears ran down my face, suddenly and unexpectedly, as I thought of Max. I sobbed.

‘Hey, hey, Vee! I'll pull over as soon as I can.' A couple of minutes later Ron stopped the car and put his arm round me. I let go of all my grief.

Back in West Pluting, alone in the cold flat, I wondered if I should ring Max. I decided not to. I'd arrived at the station on the day he left to see the train to Edinburgh pulling out. Then the phone rang.

‘Vee? Are you alright? I've been trying to get you!'

‘Oh, hello, Diane. I'm OK thanks. Sorry I haven't called you.'

‘Yes, I should think so too! I've missed our weekly chats.'

‘How're things with you and Jeff?'

‘Oh, great thanks. We've had the house redecorated and … '

‘And what?'

‘Look, the Christmas holidays are nearly here. Why don't you come and stay for a couple of days when you break up? Not for Christmas itself, you understand – we'll have a houseful. But it'd be lovely to see you again and there's news to catch up on.'

I wanted to see Diane of course, but feeling as I did, I had to force myself to sound interested. I drove back along the coast to Lexby the day after the end of term. The boys' excitement in the lead up to Christmas, the concerts, shows, carols and Patrick's company hadn't moved me from my sense of loss. I hadn't told him, but he knew something was wrong. And I hadn't rung Max for weeks: I wasn't strong enough.

It was dark when I arrived at Diane's. It really was a magnificent house. The great sweeping staircase, with its red carpet and white banister, could be seen as soon as the door opened. She took my coat and showed me into the living room, where Jeff was putting the finishing touches to a large Christmas tree.

‘I'll take you up to your room in a minute, but what can I get you? Cup of tea? Glass of mulled wine?' She rubbed her hands.

‘Oh, that sounds good.'

Jeff climbed down the ladder. ‘What d'you think? Will it do?'

I said it looked lovely, even though my heart just wasn't in it. ‘How's business?'

‘Not as good as it could be in the present climate, but we manage, don't we darling?'

Diane smiled as she brought in a tray with two glasses of wine and a cup of tea. She handed a glass to Jeff.

‘Not having any wine, Diane?'

‘No; I might later.'

‘There's loads I want to ask you,' I said. ‘How's the situation at the new place, Stonecastle?' We sat down.

Diane told how a couple of Castlebrough staff went there, including Joan Gibson, while the others either retired or moved on somewhere else. She suggested we drive round tomorrow and look at the site. The old school houses had to be demolished, which was a shame. But hey, she said, we would be in serious need of an appointment at the shops when we'd seen that! She smiled again. ‘Got all your presents?'

‘More or less. Are
you
at Stonecastle now?'

‘No. That's one bit of news I've got for you. I was there, but I've just been made head of department over in East Brickham – last week in fact! For next term. Quite a drive, but I'm sure I'll love it! How's your new job going, Vee?'

‘Oh, alright.' I felt a desperate need to unburden myself to her. ‘But I've had a hard time lately because … '

Just then her phone rang, and as Diane bent over to pick
it up, I noticed something which made me very glad indeed that it had rung at that precise moment. It was only a short call, but it gave me the time to divert from my story, and spared my embarrassment.

‘My sister. Anyway, what were you going to say, Vee?'

‘Oh … it's just harder work where I am now. That's all.'

Diane patted the seat of the sofa next to her, indicating to Jeff that he should join her.

‘We've got some other news, haven't we darling? Jeff smiled and placed his hand gently on Diane's stomach. 'Yes, you've guessed it. We're going to have a baby!'

‘That's wonderful.' I was pleased for them, but I ached inside. ‘When's it due?'

‘In May. We were planning to get married first, but then we had this little surprise. So the wedding's on hold for now, but it will happen, and you'll be invited.' Her face was lit with happiness. ‘By the way, Vee – have you kept in touch with Max at all?'