Friends Like Us (36 page)

‘I don't know. Nervous breakdown? Another woman? Who knows? I can only hazard guesses.'

‘What are you going to do?'

‘I don't know,' admitted Eilis. ‘The house feels strange without him. I keep waiting for him to come back, to hear his key in the door. I keep waiting for my phone to ring… but nothing.'

‘Ghosting.'

‘What?'

‘Ghosting. When people leave someone without a trace. Cut off all contact, like they didn't exist.'

‘Well, whatever it is, it's horrible.'

‘And how do you feel?'

‘Sad, confused… relieved. I know it sounds strange, but it's easier without him. I miss him and hope he's all right, but I feel better without him. We weren't right for each other, I know that. It's just so hard to identify that it's over. You know,' she continued, ‘he didn't come to Greece. Well, neither of us went in the end. He told me the day we were meant to go. Refused to go.' She shrugged. ‘What could I do? I couldn't force him.'

‘Oh you poor thing. You should have told us.'

‘I didn't know what to say. I kept waiting for things to become a bit clearer, more understandable. But they got worse.'

‘They often do,' said Melissa, smiling at her but half thinking of Cormac. ‘In fact, they practically always do. But what if he comes back tomorrow, what will you say?'

Eilis shrugged. ‘I'll cross that bridge tomorrow.' She smiled. ‘I just hope he's all right.'

‘I'm sure he is.' They had reached the lighthouse and they walked up the steps to a bench so they could look out into Dublin Bay and the Irish Sea beyond. It was a sparkling, glittering day.

‘It's beautiful here, isn't it,' said Eilis.

‘Totally,' said Melissa. ‘It makes me think that living around here again wouldn't be the worst.'

‘So, how's your mother?' said Eilis. ‘How are things between you?'

‘Well…' Melissa almost laughed at how outlandish her news was. ‘Oh God.'

‘What is it?'

‘She had… another daughter.' And surprising herself, as well as Eilis, she began to cry. She hadn't realized that the thought of her mother, assaulted, alone, being forced to give up her baby and the long-term damage that went on to have, had affected Melissa. But the sadness of it sometimes took her by surprise. Her poor mother.

‘What?' Eilis was immediately jolted back into a story which she decided was infinitely more important that hers. ‘Good God…'

‘I'm alright,' reassured Melissa. ‘Just shocked, you know? And it's just so sad for her, for all of us really. Me and the baby, her other child. Her first daughter.'

‘Your poor mother.' Eilis took Melissa's hand and held it.

‘She gave her up, though,' said Melissa, who was wiping her eyes with her other hand, using her fingers, to try and keep herself looking unsmudged. ‘She was one of those women you read about. She never got over it.' Since she had first been told, she had come to completely sympathize with her mother. She understood that some depths were near impossible to plumb, and this secret may never have been told unless Frankie had written that letter. And she would never have known what lay behind her mother's sadness or desire to drink or depression. It was so crazy to think of it in this day and age where nothing like that could happen. Or it would be just so different. We have moved so far from where we were, she thought. Her mother had lived in an unimaginable time.

Eilis was quiet. ‘That's so sad, your poor Mam.'

‘I know…' Melissa focussed on a tiny red dinghy bravely battling the swell. ‘It is sad,' she said. ‘If that isn't the understatement of the century.'

‘And does it… does it… explain things for you, give you any answers?'

‘I suppose. In some ways it does. It doesn't make it any easier, I guess, but it's part of her story I didn't know before. So, I'm glad I know.'

‘And will you meet her? Your sister?'

‘Yes, soon. In the next few weeks. I'm feeling nervous already. Mam named her Tara Rose.'

‘What a lovely name,' said Eilis.

‘It is, isn't it? It's the kind of name someone young, someone innocent would give their child, isn't it.'

They looked at each other and smiled. ‘Yeah, exactly.'

‘She's Frankie now though.'

‘A nice friendly name.'

‘Well, I hope she is.'

‘What?'

‘Friendly. I hope she likes us, you know, wants to be with us. I hope we're not too weird for her.'

‘Maybe she'll be too weird for you.'

‘Maybe. But I am sure she imagines us to be this amazing family but it's going to be a lot for her, Mam's drinking and her out-and-out strangeness. And then my strangeness. We're not exactly the Obamas.'

Eilis laughed gently. ‘You're not strange. At all. Anyway, everyone feels like that.'

‘They don't. Look at Steph. Normal, nice family,' said Melissa. ‘She is amazed that her life isn't normal. I've no doubt it won't right itself again, like one of those boats. But me? I'm always going to be half-capsized.'

‘I'm glad you managed to keep the analogy going.'

‘Me too.'

‘You're wrong, though. You're not remotely weird or strange. You're amazing. Ask anyone. Ask us, ask your colleagues, ask Cormac.'

Melissa looked down, wishing everything was different but knowing that she had made a mistake and that ship, that friend, that love had sailed. ‘But I feel so weird and strange inside.'

‘Maybe,' continued Eilis, ‘you just
think
you're weird, but it's actually what normal feels like. D'you see what I mean?'

‘Clear as mud.'

Eilis laughed. ‘What I'm trying to say is that you seem very normal to me. You seem like everyone else I know. Only nicer and saner.'

‘But I can't even have a relationship. Look at me. I'm nearly thirty-nine and I don't even have a boyfriend.'

‘Well, maybe you are looking at the wrong men. Maybe you only go for the ones you know who'll reject you.'

‘But that's deeply screwed up.'

‘Yes,' said Eilis, laughing again, ‘but entirely normal. Why don't you go for someone who won't reject you?'

‘I don't know anyone.'

‘Really?' Eilis's eyebrows were so high they almost reached her hairline.

‘Well,' she said. ‘If you mean Cormac, he's taken now. Has a girlfriend, who looks like some kind of supermodel. You wouldn't want to stand next to her.' She paused and looked again at the little dinghy. The sailors had given up and were heading back into the harbour. At some point, everyone has to give up, she thought. Admit defeat. ‘They look good together. You know, happy.'

‘But you're gorgeous,' said Eilis. ‘Inside
and
out.'

‘Shut up,' said Melissa but she was smiling. Not like Erica, she was thinking.
She's
gorgeous. I'm just ordinary, but she was pleased that Eilis was taking the chance to be nice to her. ‘I just don't know when it's all going to stop. When life is going to get easier, you know?' She looked at Eilis to see if she understood. ‘When will this whirl, this non-stop-ness stop?' She sighed. ‘I know I'm not making any sense, but it's just that there's always something around the corner, ready to pounce, you know? I just want some peace.'

‘I know exactly what you mean,' said Eilis. ‘It's just all so bloody confusing and relentless. Like, when am I going to have all the answers or any answers? Or when will I start to understand things. I'm constantly surprised by things.'

‘Yeah,' Melissa laughed. ‘It's like where did
that
come from? And
that
?'

‘So, to answer your question, I have no idea. But soon, I would hope. But probably never.'

‘That's reassuring.'

‘Isn't it?' They smiled at each other.

‘So, what are you surprised at, then?' asked Melissa.

‘Everything… like…' A little dog came along to have a good nose at what they were doing and Eilis stroked his ears. ‘Like, when will I wake up and not feel sad about my Mam.'

‘Really?'

‘I know I should be over it by now. I know I should not give her much thought…'

‘Is that how it works? Grieving? Because, although I'm no expert. On anything. I don't think it works like that.'

‘I don't know,' said Eilis. ‘But all I know is that the day she died I felt sick inside, nauseous. And I still feel exactly the same. I would have thought that would change… wouldn't you?'

Melissa shrugged. ‘No, not necessarily. Everyone is different. Everyone processes things in their own way.'

‘But I don't seem to have processed it in
any
way.'

‘But it was a hugely traumatic event. And the culmination of years of her illness. And then you went straight to do Medicine. And then working. You've never given yourself a break. Never had a chance to get over it.'

‘But, and I know this sounds crazy, but I don't want to get over it. I don't want to lose her. I know I have
lost
her. But I can't let go totally. I can't move on, because I don't want to. I don't want to leave her behind.' Eilis fiddled with the hem on her skirt, rolling it up. ‘Which sounds certifiable. I'm aware of that.'

Eilis rarely spoke like this, she rarely opened up and, for the first time, Melissa was able to see the real Eilis, the person behind the perfect little face, the super-successful job, the home. She wasn't this super-human, going to medical school in the weeks following my mother's funeral type of person, but she was far lonelier than she could have imagined.

‘No, it doesn't. At all,' said Melissa, now taking her hand. ‘It sounds the opposite. Sane, in fact. And understandable. But… what if you talked to someone? Like a grief counsellor, someone who might help you talk about her, remember her. You don't, you have never really talked about it, about her, have you? You've kept it to yourself.'

‘Yeah, I have, because… it was too painful and I kept waiting and waiting for it not to be but… I still miss her.' She laughed awkwardly, embarrassed. ‘Sheesh! What a mess I am.'

‘No, you're not. Not remotely. I think you're amazing. You're a survivor.'

‘Not anymore. And Charlie hates me now.'

‘Charlie?' Melissa spluttered. ‘Who's Charlie?'

‘I've met someone. Well I haven't. At all. But I have, in a way.'

‘What?!' She was one dark horse was Eilis McCarthy, and no mistake.

‘No, it's nothing. Much,' said Eilis. ‘I just like him. Really like him. But I ruined everything. We kissed and then I ran off in the middle of it all and… I don't know. I just don't know what to do about anything.'

‘Join the club. The club for the permanently clueless,' said Melissa. ‘So is Charlie the guy with the flowers?'

‘Yes, how did you know?'

‘I don't know, vibes or whatever. I just sensed something, when you mentioned them. So what's the story?'

‘I don't know, I just find myself so… attracted to him. I've never felt like this before, I keep thinking about him. His hands, mainly. But I like talking to him, I just don't want to stop, I want more and more.'

Eilis had never spoken like that about Rob, thought Melissa. She laughed. ‘Wow. I've never heard you talk like that before. He sounds wonderful. But hands? Come on! What is he a piano player?'

‘No, he's a gardener. But they are all strong and rough and I just like them.'

Melissa nodded, understanding the situation perfectly. ‘You fancy the arse off him… or the hands?'

‘Both,' admitted Eilis and then she laughed. ‘I'm crazy, aren't I?'

‘Do you fancy Rob? In the same way? Did you ever?'

Eilis stopped for a moment. ‘No,' she admitted. ‘Never. Isn't that awful?'

‘No.' Melissa shook her head. ‘Probably more normal than people might suggest. So… what are you going to do?'

‘I don't know. I probably, very likely, won't do anything.'

‘And let life happen to you?'

‘Yes, isn't that what people do?'

Melissa nodded. ‘The very idea of taking charge of my life and actually being a free agent. Ha!'

‘It's so much easier,' said Eilis, ‘to sweep everything under the carpet and have a nice sit down.'

‘And a cup of tea.'

‘Of course!'

‘You see,' said Melissa. ‘I'm in love with someone too. Only I've just realized. And now he's happily in love with a supermodel called Erica and he doesn't want to see me anymore so…'

‘Cormac.'

‘Yeah, of course, only he's moved on, apparently. We are officially not friends anymore. Well, I've think I've just been demoted to
acquaintance
.'

Eilis shook her head. ‘He's been crazy about you forever and you only realize now that he's the best thing since sliced white?'

‘He isn't though, anymore. But I love him like you wouldn't believe. I don't know what to do with myself, I miss him so much. I just want to talk to him. And I miss Rolo. I'm dying without them.'

‘Jesus Christ,' said Eilis.

‘Well,
he's
not been much use.'

‘True. Oh Melissa!' Eilis smiled at her, her forehead wrinkled with this new dilemma.

‘I'll be alright,' said Melissa, ‘I always am, aren't I? The bounce-back kid, woman, whatever I am.'

They got up to walk slowly back to the car, past the boats in the harbour, and the children's sailing club of a flotilla of tiny boats. A seagull skimmed past Eilis' ear, as easy as a paper aeroplane.

‘You know,' she said. ‘I would give up everything to have my mother back again, or another ten years with her or another five years. Just enough time so she would have seen me grow up a bit more, you know? Just a few more years.'