Friend Zoned (Barnett Bulldogs #2) (36 page)

I hate this.

The awkwardness that is now our relationship.

Without a word, he suddenly closes the distance between us before taking me into those big strong arms of his.  Once I’m completely ensconced within them, I squeeze my eyes tightly closed before resting the side of my face against the hard wall of his chest.

God, but I’ve missed this.

Missed him.

I miss how affectionate he is.

Always so generous with his love and friendship.

With his time.

I miss every little thing about this man.

I never realized just how solidly the last eight years had bonded us together.  I suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised.  He’s been my best friend, my confidante, my family.  And this week without him has left me reeling, feeling lost and aimless.  Adrift.  I find myself wanting to text him over the littlest things.  Hundreds of times I’ve pulled out my phone, starting to type in the words before hesitating, remembering that we aren’t really talking to one another.

“You doing okay, Vi?”  He whispers the words near my ear.  As the warmth of his breath slips over me, his question leaves a thick lump sitting in the middle of my throat.  Not able to get the words past it, I nod my head in answer.

“He’s going to be fine,” he reassures quietly.

But I don’t know if he’s going to be fine.  And Sam doesn’t know that either.  I want more than anything to believe him.  But I can’t.  Not until I hear it from the doctor’s mouth.  Only then will all the tension that has settled within my chest start to loosen.

“I hope so.”

Pressing yet another tender kiss to the top of my head, he continues holding me in the warm circle of his arms.  It’s as if he knows exactly what I need right now.  But then again, Sam has always known what I needed.

I just took it for granted.

“Why didn’t you call me yourself?”  His voice lowers, sounding even gruffer as he asks, “Why did I have to hear it from Liam?”

Not knowing what to say, I simply shrug my shoulders.  I think it’s perfectly obvious why I didn’t reach out to him personally.  If things were normal between us, he would have been the first person I called.

When I don’t respond, he pulls away. Not far, just enough to search my eyes with his own.  When I try lowering my face, his strong fingers slip gently under my chin before lifting it so that I’m not able to look anywhere but into his piercing blue eyed stare.

“No matter what’s going on between us, you should have called.  You should have let me know what was happening.  With enough time, we’ll work through our issues. 
This
has absolutely nothing to do with that.”

It’s difficult to hold back the tears that so desperately want to fill my eyes before I nod my head in understanding.

Almost fiercely, he tugs me back into the warm comfort of his embrace before I nestle against him, wishing I could stay buried there forever.  Just as I’m inhaling a deep, calming breath, Sam releases me before quickly slipping an arm around my waist.  He pulls me against his side, anchoring me to him, just as my grandmother walks back into the room with a man in a white coat at her side.

There’s a look of relief etched across her face as her eyes arrow to mine.  Her lips lift just a bit as if to say
he’s okay
,
it’s going to be okay
.  Everything within me that had been held whipcord tight instantly loosens in relief.  Almost to the point where I think my legs might buckle.  I feel Sam’s grip tighten around my waist.  When I glance up at him, he gives me a little wink as if he knew all along that everything would work out this way.  As the doctor introduces himself, giving us the details of what happened, I drag a huge breath into my lungs before slowly releasing it back into the world, realizing just how lucky today has turned out to be.

Chapter Thirty-One

“Are you sure there’s nothing else I can get for you before I take off?”  I flutter around him like a high strung butterfly, smoothing down blankets as I go.  Even though he finds the attention unnecessary and most likely annoying, I can’t seem to help myself.  I’m just so relieved he’s back home again, that he’s going to be okay.

My grandfather rolls his eyes as he repeats his now standard refrain, “I’m fine, Violet.  Stop fussing over me like I’m a child.  It was just a little heart attack.”

I have to seriously choke back a biting response to that one.

Just a little heart attack… ha!

The man needs to realize that he shaved just about a decade off my life with his
little heart attack
.  Thank god he’s alright.  For the most part.  What happened could have been a lot worse.  And I know it.  So yeah, I’m probably going to be fussing around him a whole hell of a lot.  Guess he’s just going to have to suck it up, because I won’t be backing off anytime soon.

“And you don’t need to stay here at the house with us either.  Your grandmother and I are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves.  We’ve been doing it for seventy-some years now.  You should go back to the dorms.  Back to your life.”

Doesn’t he realize that he
is
my life?

That I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that his health is back on track?  We’re talking daily walks, maybe a little yoga or tai chi at the local YMCA, and super smoothies filled with plenty of antioxidants and vitamins.

Instead of arguing, I simply continue to humor him. “I will, gramps.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m just going to stick around here for a little bit longer and then I’ll head back to the dorms.  I haven’t missed any classes and I’m getting all my work done.  Everything’s fine.”

I’ve been staying with them for the last seven days, commuting back and forth to school. Honestly?  I think I’m here more for me than for them.  After that scare, I feel the need to stick close.  I like seeing firsthand that he’s on the mend.  Getting stronger each and every day.  And I certainly don’t mind running errands or driving my grandfather to appointments when I’m not at school.

It’s also a lot quieter around here than at the dorms.   I’ve had plenty of time to sit and think about my relationship with Sam.  About everything that has unfolded between us within the last month.  The rollercoaster highs and lows.

The realization I’ve come to is that I’m completely in love with him.  Sure, it may have taken me a while to see him in that light, but now that I have… I’ve fallen hard and fast.

But more importantly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need him.

I
need
him in my life.

I
need
him to be my friend.

And if that’s all we’re ever going to be to one another, then I can accept it.  Because what other choice do I have?

See?

I knew this whole dating thing was never going to work out.  I totally fucked it up.  Which is exactly what I do when it comes to relationships.  I’m just no good at them.  Over the last week, Sam and I have somehow, miraculously, found our way back to one another.  It’s all very tentative right now but at least we’re talking.  Things have slowly started falling back into place between us.

And that’s exactly where it needs to stay.

With enough time, the weeks we spent together will eventually fade from both of our memories, becoming nothing more than a little blip in time that we’ll end up forgetting about.

It’s just safer that way.

Sam is the one person I can’t afford to lose.  And if we’re
just friends
from here on out, there’s zero chance of losing him again.

It makes perfect sense.

My phone chimes with an incoming text message.  I don’t even have to pull it out of my pocket to know that it’s Sam letting me know that he’s on his way to pick me up.  I’ve tried telling him that I could take my grandparent’s car back and forth to school, but he insists on driving me himself.

Which is fine.

I’ve missed spending time with him and the only way things will ever get back to normal between us is if we continue moving forward.  If we simply pretend those few weeks never happened.

Kissing my grandfather lightly on the forehead, I tell him, “I’ll see you when I get back later today.  If you guys need anything while I’m gone, just have gran call or text, okay?  I should be home around three.”

His hand cups my cheek before his lips pull up into a soft affectionate smile.  “You’re a good girl, Violet.”

I can’t help but return the tender look before adding, “Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Snagging my messenger bag from the bedroom, I quickly jog down the stairs before heading towards the kitchen where my grandmother is making breakfast for my grandfather.  She already made me a plate of scrambled eggs and wheat toast bright and early this morning.  Just one of the many perks to staying at the house with them.  One I’m totally willing to take advantage of.

“Okay, I’m heading out.”

She looks up from the eggs she’s scrambling.  “Are you sure you don’t want to take the car?  Wouldn’t that be easier?”

I shake my head.  “No, Sam is already on his way.  Plus, what happens if you need it for something?”  She nods her head before saying, “Make sure you thank Sam for us.  He’s been so helpful.”

I grab a ripe banana from the bowl of fruit sitting out on the counter before shoving it in my bag for later.  “I will, gran.”

Sam has been really supportive through all this.  And his mom, Beth, comes over every afternoon when I’m at school to check on my grandfather and answer any questions my grandmother may have.  I know it makes her feel better to have someone with medical experience living right next door.

I hate to admit it, but it’s a relief that she pops over when I’m not around.  I’ve yet to see either one of his parents since the photo of Sam ended up plastered all over the internet.  I have no idea if they’re aware that I’m the one who took the picture or not.

It doesn’t escape me that I’m a total coward for not going over there and telling them the truth.  I’ve known these people for eight years.  I’ve eaten countless dinners at their kitchen table, been invited over for numerous holiday parties. They’ve always included me in everything, to the point of giving me birthday and Christmas gifts.  Beth is, in some regards, like a surrogate mother to me.  Sam’s whole family has always been kind, generous, and accepting.

And this is how I’ve repaid their kindness…

By taking a naked shot of their son before carelessly allowing it to end up in someone else’s hands who then distributed it like party flyers to everyone on campus.

Just as that thought circles viciously through my head, I see Sam pull into the driveway.  I shout out a quick goodbye before leaving the house.  Opening the door to his truck, I slide in next to him.  Once I’m belted and he’s pulling out onto the street, a quietness settles over us.  It’s not one that’s uncomfortable or oppressive, but it certainly isn’t the easy comradery we’ve always shared in the past.

What I’ve come to realize over the last few days is that I don’t have to let what happened ruin our entire relationship.  I can salvage what’s left.  Sam all but said that we would be able to work things out between us.  I just have to be patient.  And hopefully with enough time, we’ll get back to where we once were.

As the silence continues to stretch and lengthen between us, I find myself clearing my throat, bringing up a topic I don’t necessarily want to discuss.  But I can’t continue running and hiding from it any longer.

“Are we okay?”

His eyes cut to mine before one side of his mouth hitches into a small smile.  “Yeah, Vi, We’re okay.”  He sounds more like his old self than he has in quite a while.  It’s like music to my ears.

Slowly I exhale a breath of relief because it’s the first time he’s admitted that since the
incident
happened.  Hearing him actually say those words feels like a humongous weight being lifted from my shoulders.  Or maybe my heart.  It’s like I can finally breathe again.

“Good.”

Nibbling at my bottom lip, I force myself to ask, “How is everything with your parents?”

He shrugs those impossibly broad shoulders.  As he makes the simple gesture, I realize just how much I’ve missed running my hands over his powerful muscles.  I almost sigh as that thought pops into my head because if we’re truly going to be friends,
strictly friends
, then I can’t allow myself to think like that.  But it’s difficult, if not impossible, given just how physically aware of him I now am.

“Alright, I guess.  There hasn’t been too much fall out.  My dad is waiting to see what happens.  He’s concerned that his opponent is saving it to use as ammunition once the race is underway.”

It makes me gut sick to know that I’m the cause of problems between him and his parents.  Not to mention how this could impact his dad’s reelection efforts.  Sam has spent his entire life shying away from the spotlight, always doing his best to fly under the radar.  It sucks that my careless actions have thrust him into the center of it.

Even though I’m unsure just how he’ll react, I reach out, tentatively taking hold of his hand before squeezing it within my smaller one.  “I’m sorry that what I did has affected you and your family like this.  I wish there was something I could do to make it better.”