French Children Don't Throw Food (35 page)
Read French Children Don't Throw Food Online
Authors: Pamela Druckerman
After just a few days, Bean’s English – which was once mid-Atlantic-mysterious with a British twist – now sounds almost fully American. She says ‘car’ with a full, flat ‘ahr’. However, she’s definitely milking her status as an expatriate. My mum says they listened to her language tapes in the car, and that Bean declared, ‘That man doesn’t know French.’
Bean does try to figure out what’s happened in Paris since she has been away. ‘Is Daddy fat? Is Mummy old?’ she asks us, after about a week. My mum says Bean keeps telling people when I’ll arrive in Miami, how long I’ll stay, and where we’ll go after that. Just as Françoise Dolto predicted, she needs both independence and a rational understanding of the world.
When I tell friends about Bean’s trip, their reactions split
straight
down national lines. The North Americans say that Bean is ‘brave’ and ask how she’s coping with the separation. No Anglophone parents I know are sending kids her age off for ten-day stints with their grandparents, especially not across an ocean. But my French friends assume that detaching a bit is good for everyone. They take for granted that Bean is having fun on her own, and that I’m enjoying a well-deserved break.
As the kids become more independent, Simon and I are getting along better. He’s still irritable, and I’m still irritating. But he’s decided that it’s OK to be cheerful sometimes, and to admit that he enjoys my company. Every once in a while, he even laughs at my jokes.
I’ve made concessions too. I micromanage him less, even when I come out in the morning and he’s serving the kids unshaken orange juice. I’ve figured out that, like them, he craves autonomy. If that means a glass full of pulp for me, so be it. I no longer ask what he’s thinking about. I’ve learned to cultivate – and appreciate – having some mystery in our marriage.
Last summer, we went back to the seaside town where I first noticed all those French children eating happily in restaurants. This time, instead of having one child, we have three. And instead of trying to manage in a hotel, we wisely rent a house with a kitchen.
One afternoon, we take the kids out for lunch at a restaurant near the port. It’s one of those idyllic French summer days, when the whitewashed buildings glow in the midday sun. All five of us are able to enjoy it. We order our
food
calmly, and in courses. Everyone stays in their seats and enjoys their food – including some fish and vegetables. Nothing lands on the floor, and there’s no shouting. It isn’t as relaxing as dining out alone with Simon. But it really does feel like we’re on holiday. We even have coffee at the end of the meal.
Glossary of French Parenting Terms
Attend
(ah-tahn) – Wait, stop. A command that a French parent says to a child. ‘Wait’ implies that the child doesn’t require immediate gratification, and that he can entertain himself for a few seconds or minutes.
Au revoir
– Goodbye. What a French child must say when he leaves the company of a familiar adult. It’s one of the four French ‘magic words’ for kids. See
bonjour
.
Autonomie
– Autonomy. The blend of independence and self-reliance that French parents encourage in their children from an early age.
Bêtise
(beh-teeze) – A small act of naughtiness. Labelling an offence a mere
bêtise
helps parents respond to it with moderation.
Bonjour
– Hello. What a child must say when he encounters a familiar adult.
Caca boudin
(caca booh-dah) – Literally, ‘caca sausage’. A curse word used almost exclusively by French preschoolers.
Cadre
(kah-druh) – Frame or framework. A visual image that
describes
the French parenting ideal: setting firm limits for children, but giving them tremendous freedom within those limits.
Caprice
(kah-preese) – A child’s impulsive whim, fancy or demand, often accompanied by whining or tears. French parents believe it is damaging to accede to
caprices
.
Classe verte
– Green class. An annual class trip in which children as young as six or seven spend a week or so in a natural setting. The teacher chaperones, along with a few other adults.
Colonie de vacances
– Holiday camp. One of hundreds of group holidays for kids as young as four, without their parents, usually in the countryside.
Complicité
– Complicity. The mutual understanding that French parents and caregivers try to develop with children, beginning from birth.
Complicité
implies that even small babies are rational beings, with whom adults can have reciprocal, respectful relationships.
Crèche
(kresh) – A full-time French nursery, subsidized and regulated by the government. Middle-class French parents generally prefer crèches to nannies or childminding in private homes.
Doucement
(doo-ceh-mahn) – Gently, carefully. A word that French parents and caregivers say frequently to small children.
Doucement
implies that children are capable of controlled, mindful behaviour.
Doudou
(doo-doo) – The obligatory comfort object for young children. It’s usually a floppy stuffed animal.
École maternelle
– France’s free state preschool. It begins in September of the year a child turns three.
Éducation
(eh-doo-cah-see-ohn) – Upbringing; the way that French parents raise their kids.
Enfant roi
(an-fahn rwa) – child king; an excessively demanding child who is constantly the centre of his parents’ attention, and who can’t cope with frustration.
Équilibre
(Eh-key-lee-bre) – Balance. Not letting any one part of life – including being a parent – overwhelm the other parts.
Éveillé/e
(eh-vay-yay) – Awakened, alert, stimulated. This is one of the ideals for French children. The other is for them to be
sage
.
Gourmand/e
(goohre-mahn/d) – Someone who eats too quickly, too much of one thing, or too much of everything.
Goûter
(gooh-tay) – The afternoon snack for kids, eaten at about 4 pm. The
goûter
is the only snack of the day. It can also be a verb: did you already
goûter
?
Les gros yeux
(leh grohz yuh) – The big eyes. The look of admonishment that French adults give children. It signals that they should stop doing a
bêtise
.
Maman-taxi
– Taxi mother. A woman who spends much of her
free
time shuttling her children to extracurricular activities. This is not
équilibré
.
N’importe quoi
(nem-port-a kwa) – Whatever; anything you like. A child who does
n’importe quoi
acts without limits or regard for others.
Non
– No. Absolutely not.
profiter
(proh-feeh-teh) – to enjoy the moment and take advantage of it.
Punir
(pooh-near) – To punish. To be
puni
– punished – is serious and important.
Rapporter
– To tell on someone; to grass. French children and adults believe that it’s very bad to do this.
Sage
(sah-je) – Wise and calm. This describes a child who is in control of himself or absorbed in an activity. Instead of saying ‘be good’, French parents say ‘be
sage
’.
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