Freeze Frame
Authors: Heidi Ayarbe
Heidi Ayarbe
For my big sister, Carrie, and husband, César.
Thank you for believing.
1
Gray slats of light slipped between the bars, only toâ¦
2
I opened my eyes. The tiny cell was bright. Theâ¦
3
I looked at the cop standing at the door. Iâ¦
4
The same two officers from yesterday were in a crampedâ¦
5
Gollum scratched his pointy chin. He looked at Dad, atâ¦
6
Dad waited for us at the emergency room entrance. Heâ¦
7
Gollum and Igor cleared their throats.
8
Mark and I walked down a hallway. We passed byâ¦
9
The courtroom smelled like lemon furniture polish and old men'sâ¦
10
I walked to Dr. Matthews's office. She had a stackâ¦
11
I returned to my plate of cold lasagna and watchedâ¦
12
“There isn't one clock working in this house, Michael.” Momâ¦
13
“Kyle! Kyle, wake up!” Mel leaned over and shook myâ¦
14
For the disposition, Mom wore the blue dress she savedâ¦
15
The house was quiet. I trudged up to my roomâ¦
16
Inertia is deadly.
17
“Kyle, come down for breakfast.” I looked up to seeâ¦
18
The hallways hummed with that prelunch electricity. I walked intoâ¦
19
I picked up all my papers and stuffed them intoâ¦
20
Nobody was around. I guess not many people take timeâ¦
21
Riding home, I felt a little bit of relief. Iâ¦
22
Tuesday morning was more brutal than Monday, like the dayâ¦
23
“Hey, Shadow!” Pinky came up to me and threw meâ¦
24
I shade my eyes, trying to block the glare ofâ¦
25
Lunchtime in the library was like a frame still. Iâ¦
26
Tuesday morning, Dad took me to school. “Kyle, you needâ¦
27
After Mom and Dad's conference with all the Carson Cityâ¦
28
I stood behind the Dumpsters. The bell rang and kidsâ¦
29
“How could you do this, Kyle? This isn't you.” Momâ¦
30
They wanted to take me to the ER to makeâ¦
31
When light from Mom and Dad's room spilled into theâ¦
32
I woke up to Mom and Mel arguing in theâ¦
33
I stared at the shed. It had been there sinceâ¦
34
The light in the shed wavered, dimmed, then died. Everythingâ¦
35
I woke up to the sound of pebbles hitting myâ¦
36
It was weird to be alive. Everything was under myâ¦
37
One morning, Mr. Cordoba was busy in his office. Iâ¦
38
In-house suspension were some of the best weeks I'd had.
39
I held Jason's Dimex in my hand, just one ofâ¦
40
Everybody was psyched for Christmas break and the Winter Ball.
41
I tried to find Chase at school, but Mike toldâ¦
42
Since the day with the poinsettia, I hadn't seen Mr.â¦
43
At dawn I snuck out. The moon still hung lowâ¦
44
“Any New Year's resolutions, Mr. Caroll?” Mr. Cordoba asked, placingâ¦
45
Everything started going back to normal all around me. Almostâ¦
46
I started to sleep better at night, but I'd alwaysâ¦
47
Dr. Matthews strummed her fingers on her desk. She'd beenâ¦
48
I heard hooting early one morning. Chase stood below myâ¦
49
Every day I'd wake up hoping to find Mr. Bishop'sâ¦
50
I pedaled as hard as I could, zigzagging puddles andâ¦
51
All night I thought about how I would direct theâ¦
52
That Tuesday, I waited for Dr. Matthews in her freshlyâ¦
53
Weeks passed as Chase was passed back and forth betweenâ¦
54
The next couple of weeks, Kohana and I worked nonstopâ¦
55
“C'mon.” I tapped on his window.
56
Early on April 23, Chase, Kohana, and I got together.
57
When I got home, Mel was all ready for theâ¦
G
ray slats of light slipped between the bars, only to be swallowed by blackness. I shivered and pulled the colorless blanket around me, squeezing my eyes shut, holding my breath until the pain swelled and exploded in my chest. I exhaled and counted. Each breath took me farther away from where I wanted to be. But I had to go back. I had to change it.
Almost all of yesterday played like a movie in my head. I could start it, rewind, stop, fast-forward, and replay scenesâexcept for one. That scene never came clear. It was as if the film from the reel had been exposed to sunlight and gotten blotchy.
In some scenes, I even thought about making changes, doing a director's cut.
Melanie, go back and flip your hair to the other side.
When I thought about it like that, I felt like I had control, like it was a Quentin Tarantino movie, all out of order. I could change anything. But then I would remember. No matter how much changed inside my head, it was the same everywhere else.
October 8, 8:52
A.M
., Scene One, Take One
We got up from the table because Jason had used all the syrup. The guy really poured it on. Dad ran down to the store to stock up, as if he knew I needed breakfast to be perfect.
Mom ordered us to get ready for the homecoming game and scooted us out of the kitchen. “You can eat in a couple of minutes.”
“Sorry about the syrup, Mrs. Caroll,” Jason said.
I shook my head. “My pancakes are gonna get cold. You could've saved a drop.”
“Big deal, Kyle.” Melanie flipped her hair. “God, Mom, he can be such a dumbass.”
“Mel, watch your language.” Mom glared.
Jason swallowed a laugh. In his house, he'd be nailed for saying
dumbass
. “Sorry, man. I like a lot of syrup.”
“I guess so.” I rolled my eyes. “Pig.”
“You shouldn't insult your
guest
,” Melanie huffed. “Grow up, Kyle.”
Jason wasn't a “guest.” You can't consider your best friend since kindergarten a guest, even if he hasn't been around for a while.
I glared at Mel. “It sure wouldn't have hurt you to save some either.” I puffed out my cheeks and gut. “If I were you and had to wear that cheerleading skirt, I definitely wouldn't be eating pancakesâand especially not with syrup.”
“Mom!” Melanie yelled. “Did you hear what he just said?”
Mom shot me her you're-a-step-from-deep-shit look.
“What?” I asked. “I didn't do anything. I swear!” But by that time Mom was after me with a spatula, and Jason and I ran out the kitchen door before she began screaming too.
“Oh, man,” I grumbled, standing barefoot out on the frostbitten grass. I danced from one foot to the other. The cold burned my toes.
“Things don't change around here, huh?” Jason's teeth chattered. “It's cold, man. I'm, like, still in my pajamas.” He looked around. “Remember when we decided to go snow camping out here after watching
Vertical Limit
?”
We'd thought it'd be pretty easy, pretend like we were mountaineers or something. Eat beef jerky for breakfast. We didn't even last an hour. We might've lasted longer if Jase hadn't insisted that he had frostbite. And I didn't want to have to explain to his mom why his toes fell off.
I laughed. “Maybe the coast is clear. Let's go back inside.”
Jason and I peeked in the kitchen window. We saw Melanie blabbering away at Mom. Mom pushed a plate of half-eaten pancakes in front of her.
“It doesn't look good. Mel's pretty pissed.” Jason turned toward me. “You might not get to go to the game.”
“Nah.” I shook my head. “You think?” I was standing on my toes, trying to keep my feet from freezing off.
“Yeah, man. That's the kind of shit that gets me sent to Pastor Pretzer.”
Jason's family was really churchy, and he always had to talk to his minister when he got in trouble. Whenever we did something wrong at his house, Mrs. Bishop quoted something from the Bible. Her favorite was “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
When we were in ninth grade, I asked Mrs. Bishop if that meant we could do unto Kayla Griffin as we would have her do unto us, and she sent me home. I didn't think Mrs. Bishop would get so worked up. It's not like we were twelve or anything, and it
was
pretty funny.
Mom told me I was being disrespectful. I had to write a letter of apology to Mrs. Bishop and was put on Jason's “probation friend” list. After nine years of being best friends, I became a probation friend. Only Mrs. Bishop could think of crap like that.
“Well, I wouldn't have called her fat if she really was,” I told Jason. “I'm not
that
big of an asshole.” I looked back in the window. “Plus, when did our sisters become such freak shows? I mean, Mel used to be pretty cool before all the cheerleading and diets and shit.”
Jason shrugged. “I dunno. So, what's next?”
“Let's hang in the shed until things cool down, unless you want to go around through the front door.”
“Our feet would freeze off before we got there.”
We crossed the backyard to Dad's work shed. The dew soaked my pajama pants. The door was locked, but I knew where Dad kept the key and grabbed it from the ledge. The shed had metal doors, kind of rusty; they screeched when we opened them.
“Shhhh,”
Jason said. “Keep it down.”
The shed smelled like a mixture of oil, fertilizer, and wood shavings.
Â
If I were a director, I could change everything. Jason and I could've gone into the garage and waited. We could've sucked up the cold and snuck in the front door. We could've gone down the street to his house. Maybe I wouldn't have told Mel she was fat. As a director, I had so many choices.
That's why this movie in my head sucked. It didn't change. Nothing was under my control.
I shoved the palms of my hands into my eyes, pushing so hard, I could feel the thumping in the back of my brain. I heard the
tick, tick, tick
of the seconds marking the time in my head.
I smelled burning.
October 8, 9:03
A.M
., Scene Two, Take One
Jason and I sat on the workbench. Light filtered through the grimy windows; everything looked distorted and gray.
“It's not much warmer in here than outside, Jase.” I shivered.
“Yeah, but it's all right. We should come in here more often. We could call Alex and the guys over. There's a lot of cool stuff.” Jason got up and started to look around.
The hair bristled on the back of my neck. “Last time we got busted.”
“Well, we wouldn't have if you hadn't set the wood shavings on fire. Your dad and mom just about shit when they saw the flames.”
“I didn't really think I could do it with a string and stick like they do in the movies. It was kinda cool, though.”
Jason rolled his eyes. “Yeah.”
Mom and Dad had acted as if we'd set the whole state on fire. They came running out with the fire extinguisher, screaming and hollering. The side of the shed turned black.
And Jason and I had to go to a fire safety course at the community center.
“What's your dad do in here, anyway?” Jason opened some drawers.
I shrugged. “Stuff, I guess.” I looked around. Shelves sagged with the weight of paint cans, tools, tattered boxes, and unfinished projects. “I think he likes it because he doesn't have to clean it up. Mom doesn't even come in here.”
“Check
this
out.” Jason handed me a huge pair of curved, rusty scissors. They looked like a medieval torture tool.
“Let's see what else there is.” I jumped off the bench and started going through drawers and boxes. “Hey, look!” I pulled down Grandpa's old 8 mm film projector. “I'd forgotten about this.” A box of home movies was tucked behind it. I pulled out some reels and blew off the dust. The film still looked pretty clean. “Maybe we can set it up later, huh?”
Jase didn't answer. He was distracted.
“Whatcha got, Jase?”
Jason jimmied the lock on a metal box. He whistled. “Check this baby out.”
I put the movies down. Jason's find was much better.
