Freed by You (11 page)

“Where’s Ryan?” I asked, wondering if he was still in ears shot.

“He left while you were putting Maia to bed.”

“Oh, um.”
Damn
, there goes my excuse for not talking.

“Emily, if you don’t want to tell me then that’s fine, but I was hoping we could be honest with one another. Plus, I have a much better chance of finding this bastard if I have a little background information.”

“Why is it so important to you, Julian?” I saw his expression tense as I spoke so I carried on quickly. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that you want to help but I just don’t understand why, if that makes any sense?”

He took a deep breath and held his palm to his forehead before taking a large gulp of wine and swallowing it loudly. “Yes, it makes sense. Your question I mean, not the answer. I honestly don’t have an answer to give you, Emily. I don’t know why I care, or how, but I do know that, for some strange reason, I can’t bear the thought of you in danger and I will do whatever it takes to eliminate that danger.” As he paused he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply and slowly, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was counting his breaths.

“Jay is a dangerous man, Julian. I wouldn’t want you putting yourself in danger to try and save some random damsel in distress.” My eyes shot up to meet his as he slammed his glass down loudly on the coffee table.

“You are not a damsel in distress, Emily, and you are most certainly not a
random
one.” His deep green eyes portrayed an array of emotions, anger and hurt being the primary two. “Don’t think, or talk of yourself in that way! I told you earlier this evening how I feel about you, Emily. And no, I don’t understand it, but I
do
feel it. I feel alive when I’m near you. No woman has ever made me feel that way before. I’d like to get to know you,
all
of you and I won’t let anyone take that opportunity from me. That is assuming you want the same?”

My face flushed and I lowered my eyes to the glass in my hand. “Yes, I do, Julian. Somehow I feel like I know you already.”

“There’s plenty you don’t know about me. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and I’ve never been the easiest person to be around but, I need you to trust me when I say I’m willing to try.”

“I trust you, Julian, I’m here aren’t I?”

“Then tell me why you fled tonight. Tell me why this bastard is taunting you!”

“I’m not sure it’s me he’s after,” I whispered.

“Maia?”

“Possibly, she is his daughter after all, what would he want with me?”

“I don’t know, Emily, because you won’t tell me what he did to you.” His eyes dropped to the floor, his forehead creased with anxiety.

“It’s not something I can just blurt out, Julian. It has dominated my life for the past four years, filling my head every night with nightmares, every day worrying when he’s going to show up to try to take her from me. It’s not easy to relive it and I’m not sure that I could.” Tears pooled in my eyes as I shouted at him.
Why
was I shouting at him? He just wanted to help me, but I had kept my barriers so high for so long that I was finding it very difficult to let him in, no matter how sure I was of my feelings for him.

“I understand all that, Emily, trust me, I really do, but I can’t help you if you won’t let me. Do you know how angry it makes me to see you so upset and knowing that I can’t help you? Because I don’t know how to help you. You’ve got to trust me with this. Please!”

“He raped me, okay?” I shouted at him before I could stop the words escaping. “And I stuck around to let him do it again and again! There, is that really what you wanted to hear?” I screeched through my tears.

I watched as every muscle in Julian’s face dropped, his mouth hung open. Then I watched as every emotion was replaced by sheer anger as his jaw tensed, his mouth set in a tight line and his eyes burned with fury. And, then I watched as his glass left his hand with considerable force and shattered into tiny pieces as it hit the opposite wall.

What have I done?

Did those words really just come out of my mouth? I felt like I was in a daydream. Thoughts swirled around my mind and emotions washed over me but it was all a blur. I couldn’t make out a single one of those thoughts or a single one of those emotions. I was numb. Completely numb. I stared lifelessly, my vision clouded, focusing on nothing.

“Fuck!” I startled as Julian shouted and brought me back to the now. I looked up and saw him standing with his forehead against the furthest wall, his fist thumping against it in a steady rhythm. “Fuck, Emily!” he cursed as he spun around to face me. His beautiful face twisted with agony. His head moved from side to side as his eyes scanned the room, seemingly looking for something to do, something to say. Why did I say that aloud? What the hell have I done? This would surely be the end for us now. Before
us
had even begun.

He had once apologised to me for allowing such innocent eyes to witness his animalistic behaviour, his very words repeated over and over in my head.
'My deepest regret, Emily, is
that I allowed such beautiful, innocent eyes to witness me behaving like a deranged animal
.’ But now he knew these eyes were very far from innocent. Had his assumption of my innocence been the very thing that had attracted him to me in the first place? Tears began to blur my eyes. My most painful secret, my degrading, disgusting secret and I had just blurted it out in front of the only one man I had ever seen some sort of future with. The only man I had ever come close to even considering a relationship with since having Maia. As little as I actually knew Julian, I felt as if I had known him forever. I felt an intense connection between the two of us from the very first time we had met and he had told me he’d felt it too. Now, I had ruined that, I may as well have just taken that connection and snapped it into two, breaking the link, before throwing it in his face.

It was agonising to think how much I had probably just hurt this beautiful man with my revelation, even more so than the thought of losing him. I hadn’t intended to tell him, not yet. Not until I was sure it wouldn’t turn him away from me. But I hadn’t had enough time with him before Jay had made his presence known. I had once thought that Jay had ruined my life completely but I had been wrong then. I came through his torture and I had gained a beautiful miracle at the end of it, but, this time I was certain that he would succeed in destroying me. There would be no more I could gain.

Tears stung my eyes as the reality set in. Julian didn’t want me anymore. The evidence was clear. I had just told him I had been repeatedly raped, and instead of comforting me he was across the room, still motionless as he stared not
at
me but right
through
me. Mind or body, I was sure he couldn’t be any further away from me. I had repulsed him. And with good reason. What sort of person was I to stay with Jay and live with his constant abuse for a long six months just through fear of leaving him? Fear that if I left him humiliated that he would come after me.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to just blurt that out. If you wouldn’t mind calling me a taxi, we’ll get out of your hair,” I said as I stood wiping the tears from my cheeks.

“Why would I do that?” he replied, his eyes narrowing with confusion.

“Because I’ve said too much and I’ve obviously repulsed you, Julian.” I snapped as I turned away and began towards the bedroom where Maia slept. Before I reached the door, Julian grasped my hips and spun me around to face him.

“Oh, Emily,” he whispered as he pulled me close to his chest, his strong arms holding me firmly.

“Don’t touch me,” I spat as I pushed against his hard chest, freeing myself from his clutch. His arms dropped to his side.

“Don’t you ever say that! How could you think that you could ever repulse me?”

“
How?
Because you can’t even fucking look at me, Julian!”

“I’m looking at you now.”

“But you’re not really, are you, Julian? You’re looking in my direction, yes, but with pity written all over your face! I don’t want your fucking pity!”

“I don’t pity you, Emily! I’m sorry that my reaction has upset you, I didn’t intend it to. It was kind of a shock.” His face flushed and a deep frown set across his forehead.

“Your reaction is honest, Julian, that can’t lie. Now move out of my way I want to go home.”

His fist slammed against the wall, hard. “Goddamn it, Emily!” he shouted as his fist smashed into the wall again, this time leaving a roughened hole. “My reaction wasn’t one of pity! It was one of pure fucking hatred! How fucking dare he take that choice from you?”

Tears streamed down my already dampened cheeks. “I guess I’m not as innocent as you once thought,” I replied, unable to meet his gaze.

“What are you saying? You are innocent! You’re nothing but innocent. You really think that I’d think any less of you after what you’ve just told me?” When I didn’t reply he carried on. “Emily, I think even more of you after what you’ve just told me! Saying those words aloud must have taken guts, and, the fact that you’ve trusted me enough to say them, well, that speaks volumes. You are so brave.” He came to where I stood motionless and kissed the top of my head firmly. “My brave, brave girl,” he said as he kissed my head once more.

“Yeah, I’m so brave that I was too scared to leave him,” I replied, my tone full of sarcasm.

“How long did you stay?”

“About six months.” I took a deep, steadying breath as I mentally prepared myself to go through it all again. I had to tell him sometime, that time may as well be now. I walked slowly back to the sofa and reached for my wine glass before carrying on. “The first few weeks he was lovely, you know, the perfect boyfriend. Looking back I suppose in that time he was showing me exactly what he was really like. He took me everywhere with him. To parties, to expensive restaurants. I even had to accompany him on numerous drug runs. I realised what he was capable of when he took me with him when he paid a visit to some guy that wouldn’t pay what he owed him. He forced me to watch, he wouldn’t let me leave the room until he had finished. I’m surprised the guy lived. I suppose, from that moment, I was genuinely petrified of him. Throwing a few punches at someone was one thing, but to force your girlfriend to watch while you literally torture someone…it was horrible.” I paused and shook my head as if to be rid of the sickening images of a battered and bloody body slouched over in the chair that he was tied to. Julian remained silent as he waited for me to speak again. I couldn’t look at him, I was too afraid of what I might see. Anger? Hurt? Or disgust. “After that he changed. I think he knew how I frightened I was of him so he knew he could get away with whatever he wanted to do to me. I suppose that’s why he had made me watch in the first place.”

“Did he ever hit you?” I chanced a quick glance at Julian but his eyes were closed. He was breathing heavily and it looked as if he was doing all he could to remain calm.

“Only if I said no to him. It was more sexual with him. I was like a trophy to him, I had to go everywhere with him and act like the doting girlfriend, then when we were alone he expected me to please him in any way he saw fit. If I refused, he’d hit me.”

“He forced you to do things to him?”

“Not very often. He said I wasn’t any good at it.” I felt my cheeks heat as my words caught in my throat. I couldn’t believe how much I was revealing. That was never my intention, but now I had started I was struggling to stop. For some reason I wanted to tell Julian everything. “It usually just boiled down to sex. After the first couple of times I found any excuse possible not to be alone with him. It worked for a while but then my dad had to go away to some sort of conference thing and Jay knew I was home alone for the weekend. I lost count of how many times he did it in those two days. I tried to fight him off but I wasn’t strong enough, I tried to run but I wasn’t fast enough. I just made him angrier and angrier until he had beaten me so badly I could no longer protest.” I paused as I glanced over the rim of my wine glass to try to gauge Julian’s reaction to what I was telling him. He simply stared at the floor, his fists clenched tightly in his lap, his jaw tensed, and I realised he had heard enough. “Anyway, as soon as my dad got home and found me he took me to the hospital and called the police. I told them everything and they took Jay straight in. I don’t think he honestly believed that I would ever tell anyone what he did, and I nearly didn’t testify. Then I found out I was pregnant and I knew I had no choice.” I placed my glass down on the table, deliberately louder than necessary to signal the fact that I had finished my story as Julian still stared at the floor.

“I promise you, Emily, I will find him and I will kill him. I will not let him hurt you again!”

I looked up to meet his furious glare. “And where exactly will that get us, Julian? You in prison and me by myself, yeah, that would work out really well, wouldn’t it?”

“I will not let him hurt you, Emily,” he repeated through tightly gritted teeth.

“And I will not let you put yourself in danger for me.”

“We’ll see.”

Julian held me for what seemed like a long time before I finally admitted defeat and retired to my temporary bed, beside my sleeping angel. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to sleep as I replayed the day’s events in my head but Julian had promised to keep us safe and, for reasons I didn’t understand, I believed him. I trusted him with my life.

I lifted my head from the pillow as the bedroom door opened. There was no light, and it was still dark outside the window but I could make out the shadow of the tall man that stood beside my bed.

“Julian?” I questioned, wondering what was going on. Had something happened? I blinked rapidly, trying to fully awaken as I waited for his reply. It didn’t come.

Suddenly he was on top of me, his heavy body crushing mine. He panted hard as his wet mouth kissed up and down my neck .I couldn’t struggle, I couldn’t scream. Maia was in the room, if I woke her with my pleas he might go to her, he might hurt her! I sobbed as quietly as was possible as I prepared myself to endure whatever he had planned for me. A deafening cry escaped from my lips as his rough hand yanked my thigh up around his hip
. Please god, no!
I prayed;
please don’t let him do this to me!
His hand found my backside and he squeezed, hard. I cried out in pain as his fingernails dug into my soft skin.