Free Fall (14 page)

As I read the correspondence, it was clear the two of them knew each other on a personal level. I remembered Justin’s warning from the past about trusting Roc. Was it possible that Roc would betray the very organization he’d founded? Even though the e-mails appeared to be proof positive of Roc’s involvement, I couldn’t believe he would become a traitor. I knew Roc better than anyone did. I would have known somehow, surely. Roc would have given something away.

But then Roc was good at keeping his secrets. How many times lately had I wondered what his true feelings for me were? If Roc could fool me about even the basic things in our relationship, then what else was he keeping hidden from me?

Like it or not, I was right back in the middle of the danger I’d desperately wanted to walk away from. But this time it was different. The stakes were much higher. This time my unborn child was in danger along with me.

I awakened the following morning to the heavy scent of rain in the air. Lightning flashed in the distance as I sat up in bed, still fully dressed. The usual rush of morning sickness assaulted me. While Margaret assured me this was normal and would eventually subside somewhat, I had to wonder if the present circumstances surrounding my life were a contributing factor. My stomach felt wrapped up in a bundle of nerves lately with all this cloak and dagger stuff. I raced for the bathroom and made it just in time.

Exhausted, I stood beneath the warm shower for what felt like hours before finally feeling human again. I slipped on my robe and went back to my bedroom to find Roc waiting for me there. One look in his eyes told me he’d guessed the truth.

“You’re pregnant?” he asked incredulously. He’d obviously heard me being sick. I watched him mentally do the math and come up with the wrong answer.

“It’s not mine…so whose is it? How could you do this to me, Rainie?” His instant distrust was hard to hear. I couldn’t answer him for a moment. “Oh, God, I’ve got to get out of here,” he said, before turning toward the door. Roc moved like a man twice his age, shocked by what he believed to be my unfaithfulness.

“How can you say that? Of course it’s yours. Damn you, Roc.” I marched over to where he stood and slapped him as hard as I could. Roc wasn’t expecting my reaction. The blow sent him stumbling back against the door. “You’re just going to walk away like you always do when things get a little too normal for your taste, is that it?” I said when I feared the worse. That he would leave me without as much as another word.

It took him a second or two to recover, although I hadn’t hurt him. Roc reached for me and brought me up hard against his body.

“And you answer the damn question. You actually had me believing I’d hurt you by leaving the way I did, but now I find you’re pregnant with another man’s child. You haven’t exactly been the grieving widow, have you, Rainie?”

“Roc, you have it all wrong. It is your child. I was pregnant before you left.” I let my body relax against his because it was useless to struggle. The more I fought to be free, the tighter his hold on me became.

“I don’t want to hear it, Rainie, because frankly I wouldn’t believe anything you told me right now.”

I reached out to slap him again, but Roc anticipated my reaction and grabbed my hands, pinning them behind my back.

“Roc, I am telling you the truth.”

“Stop it, Rainie. What kind of game are you playing?”

“It’s not a game.”

The color left his face. “Is it Doren’s? I knew he’d been in contact with you, but I never thought…Rainie how could you? What on earth were you thinking? You let him touch you?”

I tried to pull out of his grasp but Roc’s hold on me tightened even more. “I didn’t. How can you even think that about me?”

“Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in right now? You’re sleeping with Doren. You’ve been in contact with the enemy—who just so happens to be your brother, I might add—and you never said a word about it to me, your direct superior. You think there’s anything you can say to me that will ever make me forgive you for what you’ve done? You know I could have you locked away for the rest of your life?”

“I’m not sleeping with Doren, or anyone else, and you can believe that or not. I really don’t care. Why are you here anyway, if that’s your opinion of me? You’ve made it clear you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

“Stop changing the subject. You know I could kill you right now and that bastard you’re carrying and no one would fault me one little bit.”

“Roc.” For the first time since his return, I was frightened by the controlled anger in his eyes, remembering all of my brother’s warnings about Roc. Had I been foolish not to listen?

“I could kill you now with my bare hands. I wouldn’t need a gun to do that, Rainie. It would be a pleasure to do it with my hands.” He spoke so softly that I almost didn’t hear the words.

“Roc, please…” My words were barely audible. I couldn’t finish. Raw fear clogged my throat.

When he looked into my eyes, something changed. And then, Roc lifted me up into his arms and carried me back to the bed. No matter how angry he was with me, Roc wanted me just the same.

For a moment, I fought him and my own needs before letting go. I didn’t want to fight Roc anymore.

For a little while, it was just the two of us again. There was no past, no future, and no doubts between us. For that moment in time, we weren’t angry at each other.

But sometime much later, as we lay exhausted in each other’s arms, Roc’s anger returned. He got out of bed and searched for his scattered clothing.

“Where are you going?”

“Out. I can’t stay here with you any longer, Rainie. I won’t. I won’t be a part of this. I can’t believe you’d do this to me.”

“I didn’t do anything. Why won’t you believe me? Nothing happened between Doren and me.”

His bitter laugh sliced through my defense, saying it all. Roc would never believe me. “Oh, yeah? Well it just so happens I know he’s in love with you. I see it in the way he speaks of you. So stop lying to me!”

“What are you talking about? How do you know Doren?” Roc didn’t look at me as he pulled on his shirt and tried to button it with fingers that shook. “Roc, nothing happened between us. He never touched me.” His expression told me he didn’t believe me.

“Really? Well, you’ll understand when I tell you I don’t believe you. Here I was thinking this change in you was all because you wanted out, but maybe you wanted out of more than just The Agency.”

“You left me, remember? You left me without so much as a single thought and you’re going to accuse me of having an affair? You couldn’t care less what happened to me.”

“You don’t really believe that. After all we meant to each other? You read the damn report. You saw the photos. How can you still believe I faked those injuries just to get away from you?”

“Oh, I saw the photos all right, and the report. Who was he, anyway? What poor soul gave his life so you could escape yours?” My voice shook with emotion.

Roc ripped off his shirt and hauled me up into a sitting position, forcing me to see for the first time what I hadn’t noticed before. Roc’s chest was riddled with scars from bullet wounds. There was one through his stomach and another in his chest, far too close to his heart. The man in those photos had been Roc—there was no doubting that anymore. My fingers traced the scars.

“That was you? Dear God, Roc. Are you okay?” Suddenly, nothing else mattered but hearing his answer to that question. I needed to know that I wouldn’t lose him again.

“Yes, but I was lucky. I came close to dying several times. I’ve had countless operations to remove bullet fragments. And I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life.”

My glance went to his bare thigh and I saw the scar across it. When I met his eyes again, Roc read my unspoken question.

“One bullet shattered the bone and tore away the muscle. The doctors suggested we try a couple of other operations, but this is the best it gets. I’ll never be whole again.”

“Oh, Roc…” I no longer tried to control the tears that fell from my eyes.

“So you see, Rainie, I’m not out. You think it’s over for me. It’s never over, Rainie. I’m still part of it. I told you that before you joined. I tried to warn you. You knew the risks going in.”

“Yes, I knew…” I shook my head and tried to make him understand. “Roc, I’m not involved with Doren. How could I be? You are still my husband, although I have no idea why I should have to explain myself to you. You left me. You let me think you were dead!”

He released me and got out of bed again.

“You know what, Roc, believe what you want. But answer me this—what have you been up to? How involved are you with the FLA?” He looked away. Roc was hiding something that sent chills through me.

“I told you. I’m not going to discuss that with you. I can’t, so just drop it.”

“Why not? If you’re so squeaky clean, why can’t you be honest with me? Seems I’m not the only who’s been keeping secrets here.”

Anger flashed for a moment and then he smiled. “You think I’m in with the enemy and yet you let me make love to you? What does that say about you, Rainie?” The condemnation in those words hurt to hear.

“Why didn’t you try to reach me? Surely, you could have gotten word to me somehow. Do you have any idea how it felt believing you were dead? Believing I’d lost you forever? I thought I would go out of my mind. I never believed it possible to get over that pain. And whether or not you want to accept it, this is your child.”

“Oh, please. You expect me to believe in all that time, knowing how lonely you were, and how attracted Doren was to you, nothing happened between you two?”

I realized it wouldn’t matter what I said, I would never be able to convince Roc of my innocence.

“How did you find out about Justin?” I asked.

“Did you really think I wouldn’t know what you were up to? Why do you think the Bureau never found out about your connection to Justin? Of course I knew.” He stood watching me for a second longer before adding, “You’d better tell me everything you know about this, Rainie. And you’d better be honest with me this time.” Roc sat down on the bed next to me and waited.

“He found me. It started with Justin leaving messages on my phone a few weeks before you left. At first, I didn’t believe it was really Justin until I met him. Roc, you remember I told you my brother went missing when I was still young…” Roc was the only member of the team that knew about my brother’s disappearance.

“I remember. Your parents thought they found him in North Carolina.”

“Yes. Somehow, Justin got involved with the FLA back then. Whether he was brainwashed or joined on his own accord, I don’t know.”

“Does it really matter how it happened? He’s responsible for all the things Silvers stands accused of committing. And you let him simply slip through your fingers. You had him and you let him go. You let him play you, Rainie.”

“That’s not true. He’s my brother. I had to try and help him for my parents’ sake.”

“So you’ve decided you couldn’t trust me to help you? Why didn’t you tell me about any of this?”

“Because I was afraid. Can’t you understand that? I was going to tell you but then you left on assignment.” Roc shook his head and got to his feet. “Where are you going?”

“I’m going downstairs. I can’t listen to this. Do you have any idea how bad this is?”

“I couldn’t tell you. I was afraid you would take him in.”

“I would have. I wouldn’t have had a choice in the matter. You shouldn’t have had a choice. What side are you on here, anyway? It seems to me you haven’t decided that one yet. I thought…because of your parents.”

“Stop it. I loved my parents. You know that. But Justin is my brother. What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know,” he said. He came back to me. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you of all people. Do you have any idea how badly you’ve compromised The Agency, not to mention the Bureau, by what you’ve done? You realize you could be locked away in a federal prison for this. I shouldn’t even be here with you now.”

“I know I should have told you about Justin, but I’m telling you now.” When he didn’t appear to be listening, I tried one last thing to reach him. “Roc, the baby is yours. You have to believe me.” He stood and walked to the door before facing me again.

“Don’t bother, Rainie, because I don’t believe you.”

I got out of bed and went to him, not caring that I was naked.

“I can’t do this, Rainie,” he insisted, stepping closer to me, his eyes slipping over my body.

“Roc, please. I can’t lose you again.” I took another step closer and we reached each other at the same time.

Roc took me back into his arms. “This is getting us nowhere. Let’s just drop it for now. I’m exhausted.” He looked down into my eyes. For the first time, we didn’t know what to say to each other or how to get beyond this awkward silence. We weren’t supposed to be lovers, but we couldn’t simply be friends.

* * * *

Roc spent the rest of the day locked away in the great room, which I suspected he’d converted into a makeshift office. When he didn’t emerge for lunch or throughout the day, once it grew dark I stuck my head in long enough to ask if he was hungry.

“Yes.” He glanced up from his computer screen and smiled at me. “Let me help you, okay? I could use a break.” Throughout most of our marriage, Roc did the cooking. I could manage boiling water, but that was about the extent of my talents in the kitchen.

I sat watching him prepare a beautiful meal from a couple of boxes and cans, and as always, Roc’s creativity amazed me. It almost felt like old times.

“Some things never change, do they?” He smiled at my embarrassment.

“No, I guess that’s true enough. I don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of cooking. My poor son will have to learn to cook for himself.” When I mentioned the child, Roc’s expression sobered.

“Your son. I still can’t get used to the fact of you having a baby. How do you know it’s going to be a boy?” he asked, holding my gaze just long enough for me to see a small amount of hope in his beautiful eyes.

“I don’t know. I just do somehow. I know I’m going to have a son.”