Fraying at the Edge (39 page)

S
truggling to breathe, Ariana stepped onto the porch. Rudy followed her, but as he was closing the door behind them, Mamm called to him.

Rudy glanced at Ariana. “I'll be right back.”

She nodded, moved to a step, and sat. Why had she blurted out her negative thoughts about the bishop's authority? What had come over her?

Her cell phone vibrated, and she pulled it from the hidden pocket of her apron. It was a text from Quill with two simple words:

She glanced behind her and then quickly responded:

Giving Berta the photo album and using a cell phone so mother and son could talk had been inexplicably gratifying. She was just beginning to realize how much her belief system had changed since she had left here, and she couldn't really wrap her head around it right now. It began when she realized she didn't know God like she'd thought she did. She had once believed she'd known who He was and what He wanted, but that had been shattered when He removed her from her insular world and His will no longer seemed perfectly clear. Her view of Him changed again at the planetarium with Quill. But the most uncomfortable change was realizing how many times God's Word had been translated from one language to another. And once it was in English, it'd been translated from Old English to Middle English to modern English. So believing in a completely literal translation only made sense if the preachers studied the original transcripts to determine the intent, and no Amish preachers had any training in such matters. And the Bible the Amish studied most of the time was the German Bible. Was it the one that had first been translated to English in the Middle Ages or the Gothic translation? She wasn't sure what the difference was, but it seemed there needed to be more grace and less legalism about exactly how to live.

Rudy walked outside. “Are we sitting?”

She slid the phone into her pocket. “Apparently. Do you mind?” She felt as if her legs had been cut out from under her. Her energy was zapped, and her whole body felt as heavy as the conversation she'd just had with her Mamm and Daed.

“Not a bit.” He sat beside her.

She hadn't meant to challenge her Daed. The words seemed completely justified at the moment, but after she'd spoken them and had seen the look on her parents' faces, she knew there was no defense for speaking her thoughts. And what was wrong with her that all these thoughts about the Word were pummeling her now rather than while she was living Englisch?

“You're home.” Rudy gestured at the homestead—the house, the land, and the barns.

“I am.” But the whole time she was pushing Nicholas to let her return, she'd expected her homecoming to be filled to overflowing with peace. Why was the opposite happening? Her head roared with voices that weren't coming from the Old Ways. Was she now a heretic?

“What did Mamm want?”

“Nothing important.” Rudy entwined his arm with hers. “So what's going on?”

“Not much.” Should she tell him about the number of thoughts bombarding her, conflicting ones from the Amish, Nicholas, Brandi, Quill, scientists, and even those taught from the pulpits of non-Amish churches? The list of opinions vying for the top spot in her heart seemed to include every possible group. Worse, she had no idea which one or ones she agreed with when it came to obeying the bishop. With every new voice that rose from within, she wavered, uncertain which was right.

“Not much?” Rudy leaned in and kissed her cheek. “That doesn't sound accurate, does it?”

“I guess not.” How could a person spend three months struggling to get back here and then feel this overwhelmed with churning, adversarial thoughts?

He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. “I'm not here simply to welcome you home. I made sure I was here when you arrived because I knew returning would be an adjustment.”

His words worked their way through her, and she took a deep breath. But then she realized that even he knew her better than she knew herself. She had thought she would be thrilled, ready to begin her life of happily-ever-after.

“Ariana, talk to me.”

If she started talking, he would naturally give his opinion. It's what people did in a heart-to-heart conversation. But she couldn't stand knowing one more opinion right now. She was filled to the brim with what others thought, and everyone except her seemed to know themselves and their opinions quite well.

She curled her hand over his, holding it tight. “I can't. I've been so busy trying to get home, to get back to you and our future that I haven't processed all this new information.”

He frowned. “You can't talk because…why?”

“I need some time to think, to decompress and integrate all I've learned with who I am.”

“That's a lot of big words, and I'm not sure they explained much of anything.”

What could she say directly? Everyone had been waiting for her to return. Her siblings didn't just keep the café afloat. They'd made it a success. Rudy had uprooted his life twice, and he was here to support her.

“Sorry about that. I guess what I'm saying is I've spent my life being told who I am and what I need to believe. Am I still that person?”

“Who else would you be?”

“Good question.”

Rudy moved away from her a bit, angling his body, presumably to have a better view of her face. “This is a scary conversation, Ariana, and nothing like what I thought we'd be talking about tonight.”

“I'm sorry. You're right.” Is this what her life would become—one long series of apologies as she tried to repress any thought that slightly challenged the Amish faith? She took Rudy's face into her hands and kissed him. “Ignore me on all points but this one: I love you.”

“That's what I needed to hear.” He hugged her, and they settled back onto the steps, staring across the pastures and at the horizon. The sun was setting, causing the sky to glow with orange and lavender clouds. If she hadn't known what time of day it was, she might have thought it was dawn. Life could look like a lot of things it wasn't. A person had to know a few grounding pieces of information, a few absolutes that could be relied upon. She knew who had created this world and who died for it, but did she believe in the Old Ways?

As she sat and held Rudy's hand while they stared out at God's green earth, she knew what she needed just as sure as she knew her Creator. She needed time away from everyone, every person she'd ever known, so she could sort through the noise and find peace between God and her and discover who she really was. But doing that would take courage. Did she have it in her to tell her loved ones she needed time away from all of them as well as her Englisch family?

She studied Rudy. It would be the hardest to tell him. Did she possess that kind of strength?

Moreover, if she did, would he wait for her?