Frat Boy and Toppy (20 page)

Sebastian’s hand on Brad’s back was soothing. Occasionally sweeping across or down or just taking a lazy trip around, palm pressed against Brad’s skin. Sebastian rose up on one elbow, propping his head on his hand, but not like he wanted Brad’s attention. He was just there, looking out the window. It was a beautiful day. Starting to cloud up, but nice enough now. The kind of day you wanted to go out and take a walk before it rained, stroll along with your boyfriend’s hand in yours.

He had the strangest urges lately.

“Sebastian?”

“Yeah, hon?” Sebastian leaned down and kissed his temple, still staring out the window, lost in some kind of thought. About ancient pottery, probably. Brad rolled over onto his back, tucking himself almost under Sebastian’s scruffy chin. He stretched up to press his lips against Sebastian’s jawbone where it curved out and defined the underside of his face.

“What if I never come out? Will you dump me?”

Sebastian looked down at him sharply. His eyes were so brown. He leaned forward again and kissed his lips. “I don’t really want to answer that, Brad.”

“I wanna know.”

Sebastian was silent a long time, his eyes flickering around Brad’s face. He sighed. “Not right away. It’d probably take a while before I got sick of being your shameful secret.” The teasing smile flitted across his face, but didn’t seem to want to hang around.

“How long is a while?” Brad said to the underside of Sebastian’s chin, and to his whiskers. He let his eyes roam down Sebastian’s neck.

“Bradley, hon,” Sebastian sighed, stroking Brad’s short hair back from his forehead with the flat of his hand. He cupped Brad’s cheek. “I like you. A lot.
A lot
, a lot. I’d probably stick it out longer than I should, months for sure. But the minute the pain outweighs the fun? I’m gone, honey.”

Brad swallowed. “Is that all I am? Fun?”

“Hon, you’re lots of things for me.”

Brad stared at the wall across from the foot of the bed. It was blank. Just a white wall with nothing on it. Wasn’t like he was really seeing it, anyway. Could you listen with your eyes? ’Cause that’s what he was doing, maybe.

“No, hon. You’re so much more than fun.”

Brad let out a slow breath. Sebastian wouldn’t lie to him. But . . . “There’s probably a better deal out there for you than me. Someone who’s out.”

“I don’t want a better deal.” Brad turned back to Sebastian. He was smiling and his eyes had gone all liquid. Melted chocolate. He leaned in and kissed Brad, lips clinging, pulling away slowly. “‘Not right now. Maybe not for a long time.”

Brad’s heart started pounding away in his chest, sudden and loud in his ears. “You know I’m in love with you, right?”

Slowly, Sebastian lost his smile. He smoothed his thumb across Brad’s temple, looking very, very serious. “Yeah. I had pretty much figured that out.”

Brad’s heart clenched up a split second, even though he’d been sure he didn’t need to hear Sebastian say it back. He cleared his throat, tried to work up saliva. “Is . . . that all right?” He couldn’t seem to look away from Sebastian’s eyes, even though he was damn sure he didn’t want to watch Sebastian say no.

Sebastian stroked back his hair one more time. “Yeah, hon. That’s all right. Better than.”

Thank God
. That was all he needed from Sebastian for now.

Sebastian’s kiss was perfect. Starting out slow but quickly getting aggressive, hot and desperate, Sebastian pressing his body to Brad’s then lifting himself over him, grinding him into the bed, thrusting short and sharp into the furrow between his hip and pelvis.

Brad scrambled to get the blankets out of the way enough to feel skin against him, but he barely made it before he was coming, crying into Sebastian’s mouth, letting Sebastian take it in. Everything got slippery and then slipperier when Sebastian came, too.

Five minutes after telling Sebastian he loved him, Brad was drifting in a post-coital haze, and he never wanted to come out of it.

He eventually did float out of the haze when Sebastian pulled him into the shower. Sebastian stood behind Brad, soaping him up, when he said softly, “Don’t do it for me, hon. Do it for yourself.”

“I know,” Brad said, trying to swallow the sharp pain in his chest.

Sebastian went on—something Brad had been desperately hoping he wouldn’t do. “What if we break up? You might regret coming out because of me.”

Brad stepped forward, Sebastian’s hands slipping off of him. He started to rinse himself clean. “I’m gay. I told you.”

Sebastian stepped up behind him, circling his waist loosely. “I don’t want to be the reason you come out.”

“You wouldn’t be.” His voice wasn’t as strong as he wanted it to be. “Not the only reason.”

“Honey,” Sebastian murmured. “I need to be sure after what you just said in the bedroom, yeah?”

Brad swallowed, wondering why he wasn’t mad.
You should have known he wasn’t taking you seriously
. Tears prickled behind his eyes. He didn’t wait for Sebastian to say any more and make it worse, just stepped out of his arms and right out of the shower, grabbing a towel on his way out of the room. He needed to get out of here so he could breathe. He found his clothes on the floor of Sebastian’s bedroom, and he was trying to zip his jeans when Sebastian appeared in the doorway.

“Honey, c’mon, please. Just think about it, yeah?”

“I am thinking about it.” Brad couldn’t see his fingers; they were all blurry. He could feel his zipper though, sort of. He finally got the fucking thing up and dropped to the floor to pull on his shoes.

“Brad,” Sebastian said, voice rising. “I’m not saying I want to break up with you. I already told you I’m okay with how you feel—”

Oh. There was the mad. “
Okay
with it? You’re okay with me acting like a fool for you? Being in love with you when you don’t give a shit about me? When you don’t even take me being gay seriously?” He stared up at Sebastian a second before yanking on his shoes. Fuck the laces.

“That’s not fair, Brad! You
know
I care about you, I—”

Brad stood up. He had to go past Sebastian to get to the front door.

“Brad!” Sebastian’s voice followed him down the hall. “We need to talk about this. I don’t even know what being in love
is
. Maybe—”

Brad stopped and turned back to Sebastian. “I’ve known what being in love is since I came home with you that night,” he said, suddenly very steady and calm. Sebastian’s jaw worked, but he was speechless. “I never asked for anything from you. I didn’t need you to say it back. I just needed you to believe me and maybe, I don’t know, be okay with how I feel. I need to just . . . I need to go to the fucking library.”

He waited for a response, but Sebastian just stared at him with those chocolate eyes. For a second, Brad wanted to walk back and let Sebastian hold him, maybe even cry, because he had a feeling these weren’t angry tears balling up at the base of his skull.

Instead he turned and walked out, and Sebastian let him.

Brad hiked out to the organic garden plot on the edge of campus and weeded peas again.

Well, more like he sat in the dirt between rows and let the big ball of unshed tears and the slicing pain in his head and throat eat at him. Take up residence in the bones in his face, making his cheeks and skull ache.

The sky was gray with clouds now, maybe in sympathy. A southwesterly wind was whipping at him, and he was all by himself. In the garden, but also everywhere else, right? This was exactly what he’d known would happen. He didn’t deserve to be in love. Or maybe he deserved to be in love with someone who didn’t want him to be.

Because he’d been such a jerk to all those girls before.

Because Sebastian probably didn’t want someone who wasn’t as smart as he was. Brad couldn’t even remember what an amphora was.

Because he wasn’t the right guy for Sebastian. He was just some naive, inexperienced kid who’d fallen in love with the guy who’d taken his virginity.

He was doomed to a life of pain and solitude.

You’re being a drama queen
.

Brad ignored the little voice in his heart. It seemed best.

You overreacted
.

But he made me love him!
So much for ignoring the voice.

You could have talked to him
.

What if he really
can’t
love me? Isn’t he just supposed to
know,
like I know I love him?

His heart didn’t seem to have any answers for that. That showed the smug bastard organ. He wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his forehead on his clasped hands, watching tears hit the dirt between his feet. If he had to cry out the ache in his chest, he probably needed to start, because it looked like a monumental job.

Unfortunately, he didn’t seem capable of endurance crying. When his tears dried up, the ache in his chest was pretty much the same.

To make matters worse, he started thinking again.

The day he’d admitted to himself he was gay was the day he’d started to feel really real. He’d known since then that he was going to come out to the world. His family—done—the frat, all his exes, people in general. Why would Sebastian think Brad would only come out for him?

Maybe because you’ve done and been what others expected you to be your whole life
.

Goddammit. The little voice was back.

You wouldn’t even admit you’re gay to yourself because it didn’t fit others’ image of you
.

Oh God. Make the little voice stop being right.

You’re majoring in PE because everyone assumed you would. You don’t even like football that much. Not playing it
.

He didn’t want to get dragged into arguing with the little voice again. The bastard always won, but this time Brad had him.
I’m minoring in home ec. I’m in charge of the frat kitchen. I did eventually admit I’m gay.

Glimmers of light in the dark.

Do you have to get all melodramatic about it?

Hellooooo! This is your inner drama queen speaking! I’m you, you asshole
. You’re
melodramatic. You think I liked being trapped in here since we were fourteen?

Hey, you called me a drama queen earlier!

No, that was you
.

That took a minute to puzzle out, and by then Brad was seeing the truth of the whole argument. Except maybe the drama queen part.

Okay . . . so it was time to just do it. Suck it up, stand up and tell the frat tonight and the world tomorrow. All those girls he’d used.

Uh, yeah
.

Suddenly the conviction was there. He was going do it. He’d tell the frat at the meeting. Then he needed to talk to Sebastian. Brad wasn’t giving up that easy ever again.

First step: set up his support network.

When the door clicked shut behind Brad, Sebastian stared at the carpet, bewildered, something weighing down his chest. It was kind of an ache. He sat down where he stood, in his bedroom doorway.
What the actual fuck just happened here
?

He could still see the look on Brad’s face when Brad had asked if it was all right to be in love with him. The ache in his chest twanged, like something had plucked its string. That look had changed
everything
, hadn’t it? Instead of letting Brad down gently, like Sebastian had meant to—because he’d seen this coming, of course—he hadn’t. Hadn’t said any of the things he’d planned to say. Nothing about infatuation and being Brad’s first. No bittersweet achiness because he knew things were going to end and the fun would be over.

He’d even told Brad it was okay—and how fair was that to Brad? He’d let Brad think there might be more to this than stellar sex and close friendship. He’d hurt Brad.

And now the fun was over, anyway.

That’s what the weight in his chest must be. Knowing how much damage he’d caused. Letting Brad think he might be in love with him, when he wasn’t. If he
was
in love with Brad, he’d know it, right? Didn’t love come with little tweeting cartoon birds flying around? Okay, yeah, well not that, but something that made it obvious and unmistakable. He didn’t know anything for sure, so it must not be love. All he knew was that he’d made Brad sad. Worse than sad.