Fragile Bonds (10 page)

My first assumption is that she wants me to be there in the days and weeks after she passes. But then, my mind drifts back to Christmas, when she asked me to make sure Jacob knows she’s with him. As she waits for me to respond, I get the impression she isn’t talking about immediately following her death or sporadic visits. She’s asking me to be a part of their lives in her absence.

My knuckles turn white from how tightly I’m holding the arms of the chair. If I don’t, I’m afraid I will run out of the house and never return. Months of lies are exploding around me as Alyssa pleads with me to take care of her husband and son when she’s gone. She sees me as this amazing friend to her in her time of need, someone she can trust, when the truth is that our entire friendship is based on a foundation of lies.

“Alyssa, I need to tell you something,” I say quietly.
I have to stop for a moment, trying to clear the sour taste from my mouth. My head tips forward, allowing my long brown hair to create a shield so Alyssa can’t see the emotion in my eyes. I want, more than anything, to promise to help Xavier and Jacob any way I can, but I can’t do that with secrets between us.

“What’s up? I’m sorry, maybe it’s out of line for me to ask you to come back here after I’m gone,” she cries, turning to look out the window. It’s the beginning of March and the snow is finally melting. It’s stupid, but as I watch her staring into the backyard, I wish it was a bit later in the year so the world wasn’t in this in-between stage where everything is shades of brown and gray.

“No, it’s not that.” I give her hand a gentle squeeze. “There’s something you need to know about me and Xavier.” Now, I have her attention. She turns back to me, shifting her body so she’s laying on her side. “We didn’t meet the day I took your case. He and I--”

Alyssa holds up her hand to silence me. I wonder if I’m making the wrong decision. Right or wrong, I pray Xavier doesn’t walk in because I want to give him a warning that she knows the truth about our past. “You don’t have to say anything about you and Xavier. I know.”

I’m not sure which confuses me more, her telling me that she knows or the softness in her voice. It’s as if she’s trying to ease
my
pain while I’m preparing to cause hers. I shift in my seat, trying to get comfortable. My hand moves to my chest, covering my racing heart. At this point, I figure it’s best to see
what
she knows before saying anything else. “You know?”

“Sweetie, I’ve known for a while.” This time, she’s the one reaching for me. I take her hand, resting it on the edge of the bed. “I started to wonder that first day Braydon stopped by. After that, I started paying attention and it became clear that you’re the one.”

I’m the one?

If she knows, how does she not hate me? No matter whose fault the demise of our relationship was, I can’t believe she didn’t kick my ass.

“That’s why it has to be you. I can’t think of anyone else who will love them as much as I do, but I know you love them both.” I feel as if we’ve been thrust into some parallel universe as she continues to speak. Where there should be anger and hatred, I hear only kindness in her voice.

“Alyssa, you have to know I didn’t take the assignment in order to come back into his life,” I blurt out, as much for my benefit as for hers. “And I’ve wanted to tell you since that first
day, but every night that I went home without saying anything, the harder it became. I didn’t plan any of this,” I cry.

When Alyssa reaches out both of her arms to me, I crawl beside her on the bed and we hold one another as we bawl. “I know you didn’t, Mel. And when I realized that you were
that girl,
I’ll admit, I wished you weren’t such a good person. I’ve spent a whole lot of years calling you some of the nastiest names in the book, but then I got to know you and I couldn’t hate you.” We both let out weak chuckles at her admission. I totally understand what she’s saying because I felt the same way from the minute I found out that Xavier had moved on until I walked through her bedroom door. “And I do understand why you didn’t tell me. I don’t think I would have if our roles were reversed. Then again, I probably would have overdosed you out of spite, so maybe I should thank you for that as well.”

“Yeah, killing patients really doesn’t bode well for longevity in my field,” I say weakly. Dammit, I’m going to miss this woman.
She
is the true friend to me, willing to see past the fact that I once loved the man she’s married to. Beyond that, she seems to get that I still love him, but in a different capacity than I once did. “And I promise you, I will do everything Xavier lets me to make sure your guys are in a good place.”

I lay with her until she falls back to sleep. Listening to the rattling in her chest as she breathes, I force myself to get out of the bed. I need to get Xavier and Jacob so they can be with her.

Melanie and Braydon are out in the living room, watching a movie with Jacob. I knew as soon as Mel came out of the bedroom that we’re getting close. She is better at it now, but when she’s distressed, she sucks at hiding her emotions. Now, I’m staring at Alyssa’s chest, watching the shallow rise and fall. The sun setting is the only indication I have that it’s been hours since I came in here.

“Alyssa, I need you to wake up, baby,” I beg her selfishly. As much as she needs to rest, I need this time with her. If she doesn’t wake up, I’m terrified that she never will and we’ll never get to say goodbye to her. “Jacob will be going to bed soon and
you always read to him.”

Tears glide down my face and I wipe them with the back of my hand. I don’t want the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes to be me having a breakdown. I lean in, bringing her frail hand to my lips. She looks so small lying in front of me. “Please, baby, we still need you.”

Alyssa’s eyes flutter open but she doesn’t seem to focus on me. “Xavier?” Her voice is raspy and weak. “Where’s my baby? I need to tell him goodnight. It’s time.”

Until those last words, I thought she had heard me and wanted to read to him. Now, I don’t hold back the emotions as I realize what she’s telling me. She wants me to walk out to the living room and bring our son to her so she can say goodbye to him. We’ve talked about this, but I guess I somehow ignored the fact that this moment was going to come. How am I going to walk out there and look my little boy in the eye, knowing that he’s about to see his mother for the last time?

“Okay, Al,” I whisper, leaning over to kiss her forehead. She squeezes my hand before I turn away from her.

Melanie curls into Braydon’s side when she sees me walk into the room. He nods his head, letting me know he’ll take care of her, that I need to focus on my family right now. I whisk Jacob out of the room before he can see the way Mel’s body is heaving as she sobs.

After Alyssa passed away and all of the necessary paperwork is completed to close my assignment as her companion, I know it's time to make a decision. I love my job. But this time, I allowed myself to get too close and it crushed me. It was ridiculous of me to think I could work with the Ross family without becoming attached, but I allowed my
stubbornness to silence the voice that told me to ask for reassignment. I sealed this fate for myself at the beginning of November.

Dear Mr. Harris,

Please accept this message as notification that I will be leaving my position with CompCare effective April 15th.

I appreciate the opportunities that you have given me over the course of the past four years, but at this time, I feel it is prudent that I explore other opportunities.

If I can be of assistance in the training of a new hospice companion, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Melanie E. Erickson

A stronger woman would have walked into Dan Harris's office and faced him as she put in her notice. I barely have the strength to get out of bed in the morning and shower, much less prepare myself to go through the torture of watching
another patient fade away. I didn't spend thousands of dollars on nursing school to watch people die, I did it to help people. When I first took the position with CompCare, I told myself that I would be fine because I was helping my patients maintain a quality of life, however short the quantity.

That worked, until I watched one of the strongest men I knew fall to his knees as we realized Alyssa had taken her last breath. Until I had to pronounce the death of a woman I had grown to love as a friend. Until the moment Xavier reached out to me, begging me to give him a little more time before calling the funeral home.
Until the first time I held a little boy as he cried himself to sleep because he misses his mom.

After burrowing under a blanket on my couch for three days, watching movies and living off snack foods, I decided to take a page out of Xavier’s book. He and Jacob have been gone for a week now, visiting North Carolina.
I didn’t bother questioning him when he said he has family down there. It’s been a long time since we were a couple, so I suppose it’s possible he has an aunt or cousins he never mentioned. Although my official last day isn’t for nearly a month, I still have ten days of mandatory time off, required after the close of each case, and enough vacation time that I won’t have to go back in. There’s no better place to figure out where I want to go in life than on the open road, with no reminders of how crappy my life back home is.

As I load Brody and his supplies into the car, a single tear trickles down my cheek. I’ve never been the type of person to amass a huge network of friends, but I could always count on Stacey to be there when I needed her. And then I started looking forward to my time with Alyssa and Xavier. Even Braydon became someone I love as a friend. But now, I’m folding myself into my Prius and there’s no one to tell that I’m going to be gone. No one to call at the end of the day and tell
them I’m safely at my next destination. It’s the first time I’m truly alone and I hate it.

The sun is just barely peeking over the edge of the horizon when I pull out of the parking lot. I hadn’t planned on leaving so early, but seeing as sleep hasn’t been my friend lately, I see no point in waiting. There’s something peaceful about driving down the freeway before it’s congested with morning commuters. When I look around, I notice that the last bits of winter are finally gone. The grass is starting to turn green again and the trees are filled with buds. It always amazes me how easy it is to get used to the drab shades of winter and how beautiful it is when spring finally arrives.

I allow myself to think about Alyssa as I ease my way onto the Interstate. If we had met under different circumstances and she wasn’t married with a little boy, I could see the two of us hitting the road,
Thelma and Louise
style. I laugh as I think about her having to come out to the parking lot of a honky-tonk in the middle of nowhere, threatening to kill someone for me. I’m the good girl and she’s the bad-ass.

The
first time in the eleven days since she’s been gone that I allow myself to smile as I think about the adventures we would have taken. There were so many places Alyssa wanted to see that she’ll never get to now. On the days when she wasn’t feeling great, we had plenty of time to daydream about all the things we would do if we had unlimited money and time. At the top of her list; Memphis so she could walk down Beale Street. My Louise might not be sitting next to me, but I’m determined to make the trip for her.