Fractured (31 page)

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Anna put two cups and saucers down next to the teapot and milk jug on the wooden garden table. Emily came out behind her with
a lemon madeira slice that she’d bought on the way over, two plates and a knife. She set them down in the shade and they both
sat. Anna poured the tea.

The garden was overgrown. Insects buzzed as they flew between the long blades of grass and the pink hydrangea mopheads. It
had drizzled overnight but now the summer sun shone and the damp garden glistened. Anna had always kept the garden so neat
in the past, but she liked the wildness of it today. Perhaps she’d let it ramble from now on. She found herself thinking of
the things she needed to do now that she was back home, and realised that it was the first time in months she’d thought about
her future.

‘So, did you manage to get any sleep last night?’ Emily said, wiping a crumb of sponge from her chin.

Anna shrugged. ‘A little.’ There was no point worrying Emily by telling her about the night in the nursery.

‘Your mum looks a bit more relaxed today.’

‘I suppose she is. She won’t stop watching me though. The only reason she’s gone out now is because you’re here to babysit
me.’ She heard the bitter tone in her voice and blushed. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.’

‘Don’t worry – you’re right, I’ve got my orders not to let you out of my sight.’

Anna looked at her best friend and raised her eyebrows. Of course she couldn’t blame her mum for being worried. She’d put
her through so much. ‘I know it’s horrible, but I wish in some ways she’d go home. A part of me just wants to be on my own
now. I need to be a grown-up again.’

‘There’s plenty of time, Anna. It was only yesterday you were in court!’

‘I know.’ She shouldn’t have said anything. It would hurt Wendy so much to hear that she wanted her to leave. ‘I just feel
like I need to see if I can cope on my own. I don’t know, maybe it’s not that. Maybe it’s just guilt that she’s had to give
up so much to be here all this time. God, when I think of what I’ve put everyone through …’ Her cheeks flamed with shame.

‘Have you heard from Tony?’

Anna looked down and shook her head. ‘Not yet.’

‘You will.’

‘Do you think I should call him?’

Emily stretched her bare legs out into the sun. ‘I don’t know. Maybe.’

‘I don’t know what I’d say to him. What can I say?’ Anna looked up at the sky. ‘I’m worried that when I see him, I’ll just
… freak out, lose it.’

‘But what would be so wrong with that? It’d be a normal reaction. You don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not.’ Emily
tilted her head. ‘You’ll be fine, Anna. You will be able to cope. You’ve been through probably the worst thing that anyone
could ever experience, and it can only get easier.’

Anna smiled through her tears. ‘I didn’t cope before,’ she said in a small voice.

Emily frowned. ‘You’ve got to stop this! You need to stop torturing yourself. You were
ill
. It’s no different from someone who gets cancer – you wouldn’t blame them for that, would you?’

Anna felt herself tense. ‘But what if you’re wrong? What if the doctors and the lawyers and the judge were wrong?’ She knew
then
what she was terrified of. ‘What if this happens again, Em? What if I do something like this again?’ She covered her face
with her hands.

She could never have another child. Never.

Emily was silent while Anna cried. She waited until Anna’s sobs began to quieten before she spoke again. ‘Anna, it wasn’t
your fault.’

Anna waited a few minutes to compose herself and then she looked at her best friend. She had to believe Emily. She had to
stop feeling sorry for herself. How else was she going to move on? ‘I just wish I could go back. I’d do anything …’

‘But you can’t. You can’t. It’s happened.’

Anna’s voice was hoarse. ‘I know.’

And she did know. She couldn’t change what had happened that day. She had to let it go.

* * *

Once Wendy had returned and Emily had gone home, Anna knew what she had to do. While her mum was unpacking the shopping, Anna
looked in the fridge, then the pantry, then the bread bin, knowing she needed an excuse to leave the house without Wendy.

‘Mum, I really fancy sushi for lunch. I think I’ll just walk round to the Japanese down the road. Do you want some?’

Wendy paused and looked up. ‘I’ll come —’

‘No, it’s OK,’ Anna said and smiled. ‘What would you like?’

‘Do you think —’

‘It’s only round the corner. I’m fine.’

She could see that Wendy was struggling with the idea of letting her go out on her own. She felt a surge of irritation, then
guilt. She lowered her voice. ‘Sorry, Mum. I’d just like to have a bit of a walk on my own. I promise I’ll be fine.’

‘OK. Just get me whatever you’re having.’

Anna nodded. She saw her mum’s pale face and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek. Then she picked up her bag and walked
out.

As soon as she was out of view of the house, she opened her bag and took out her mobile phone. She scrolled through her contacts
until she found Tony’s name; her finger hovered over it and she
paused, tapping her foot. God, what was she going to say? Maybe he wouldn’t answer; then she could leave a message. That would
be easier. She took a few deep breaths, then quickly touched the screen before she could change her mind.

He answered. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi. It’s me. Anna.’ She shook her head. Of course he knew it was her.

‘I was going to call you today, sorry,’ he said quickly. ‘I meant to call you yesterday …’

She didn’t know whether to believe him or not. She wanted to.
Don’t cry, don’t cry
, she told herself silently. ‘I need to talk to you.’ Her voice shook. ‘Tony, I’m so sorry. Can I see you? I really need to
see you …’

His voice shook too. ‘Hold on, let me just go outside.’

Anna pictured Ursula hovering in the background, trying to work out who he was on the phone to. Did Tony know about what had
happened between her and Ursula at the courthouse? In a way, she hoped he did know, and that he’d be proud of her for standing
up for herself. But what if he sided with his mum? What if he agreed with Ursula, and didn’t want to see Anna again? She swallowed;
her avoiding Tony wouldn’t change that. If he didn’t want to see her again, it was better to know. It was the only way she
could move forward.

His voice returned. ‘Sorry. I’m outside now.’

Anna could hear a car driving past and some birds cheeping. ‘Are you at home?’

‘Yeah. Should we go out for dinner or something, talk properly?’

Dinner? Anna gasped. Dinner was a couple of hours together, more than she’d dared hope that he would give her. She closed
her eyes and smiled, wishing she could hug him. She knew he was struggling to keep control of his emotions, and felt such
fondness and love for him. ‘Yes, yes, it sounds great. When?’

‘Tonight? Why don’t I pick you up about seven?’

Anna let the tears roll down her face, but tried to keep her voice
even so as not to give herself away. ‘Great. That sounds great. Yes, I’ll see you then.’

She replayed the conversation in her head as she sauntered towards the Japanese restaurant. He had said he was going to call
her; he wanted to go for dinner. Could she dare to hope that maybe there was some chance for them after all?

Tonight, she would know for sure.

* * *

Anna sat on the couch next to her mum as the six o’clock news started. Wendy was sitting with her legs tucked under her, frowning
at the crossword in the paper. The French doors were open to the back garden to let in some air, and the room was filled with
the heady scent of jasmine. Anna couldn’t concentrate on the news. She had spent the rest of the day trying not to think about
tonight. It seemed ironic that after so many imagined conversations with Tony, she now had no idea what she would say to him.
But first she had to tell Wendy. She took a deep breath, kept her eyes facing forward, and spoke as casually as she could.

‘I’m going out for dinner tonight, Mum.’

Wendy lifted her pen into the air and turned to her, peering over her reading glasses. ‘Oh?’

‘With Tony.’

Wendy smiled. Anna relaxed a little. She felt like a teenager telling her parents about a first date, hoping for approval.
And her mother approved. ‘When did you talk to him?’

‘I called him earlier, when I went to the shops.’

‘Are you OK?’

Anna forced herself to sound nonchalant. ‘Yes, fine; it has to happen sooner or later. I need to talk to him properly.’ She
got up and yawned. ‘I suppose I should go and get ready.’ Before Wendy could say anything else, she walked out of the room.

After showering, she stood in the steamy bathroom and blow-dried her hair. She opened her make-up bag and put on some foundation
and mascara, then added some blusher and just a touch
of eyeliner. She looked in the mirror: too obvious. She picked up her phone from the vanity and swore: she was running out
of time. The make-up would have to do. She found a hairband under the sink and tied her hair back in a ponytail. That was
better. She looked nice but not like she was trying too hard.

She hurried through to her bedroom and put on some jeans and a sheer pink floral blouse that Tony had always liked. Some tan
wedges and she was ready. She glanced in the full-length mirror on the back of her door and paused. She looked normal; she
looked like herself. If someone didn’t know, they’d never guess to look at her.

She went back into the living room to say goodbye. Wendy was outside, pacing around the garden smoking. Anna slid open the
glass door. ‘I’m off, Mum. Do you want me to order you some takeaway?’

Wendy dropped her cigarette and scrunched her foot on it, then took a step back towards the house. ‘No. I can drive you if
you want, then you can have a drink. I can get some food on the way back, then pick you up later?’

‘No thanks, Mum, Tony’s picking me up. I’ll wait out the front. There are some delivery menus in the bottom drawer in the
kitchen, so order yourself something nice.’

Wendy looked down, and Anna sensed her disappointment. It must be hard for her mother to let her go again, just like when
she left home for the first time, off to university in another city, no longer in need of her mother. Now, like then, Anna
needed to step away. And now, like then, she was overwhelmed with guilt at leaving her mother alone. But they both needed
to learn how to be themselves again. She looked at her phone: almost seven. ‘I’ve got to go, Mum. Thanks. I love you.’

Wendy raised a hand to wave goodbye and blew Anna a kiss. Anna walked through the house to the front door and then closed
it behind her.

* * *

Tony turned the taps on full to rinse the shaving cream and dark stubble from the sink, then patted his face dry with a hand
towel.
Glancing up at himself in the mirror, he could see he’d lost weight. He looked pale too, and his dark eyes were dull. He sighed
and hung the towel back on the towel ring.

He knew that this conversation with Anna had to happen. While he knew what he ultimately wanted to say to her, he was scared
that when he actually saw her, he’d change his mind. Part of him wanted Anna to convince him that he was making the wrong
decision.

Once he had dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved checked shirt, Tony hesitated outside the lounge room. The door was ajar,
and he could hear the television. He pushed the door open and leaned around it. Jim and Ursula both looked up.

‘I’m off,’ he said, hoping they wouldn’t ask questions.

‘Anywhere nice?’ Ursula said, smiling.

Tony took a deep breath; they’d find out anyway. ‘Yeah. Just into Bondi for dinner … with Anna.’

Ursula’s eyes widened and she said nothing. Jim looked at her, then smiled at Tony. ‘You OK?’

He nodded and tried to make his voice sound casual. ‘Yeah, of course.’ He could see that the colour had drained from his mother’s
face and she was floundering. He felt a pang of tenderness for her. She was trying her best, he knew that, and she was just
doing what she thought was right. He let go of the door and walked over to the couch, then crouched down next to her. Seeing
that she was trying not to cry, he put his hand on her shoulder. She clasped her hand over his.

‘Mum, don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.’

Ursula nodded and tried to smile.

‘Well, have a good time,’ Jim said.

Tony smiled in gratitude at his quiet old dad, with his grey stubble and dirt under his fingernails from a day’s gardening.
Jim had always trusted Tony to make the right decision – even if it turned out that he’d chosen badly, Jim still trusted him
to fix it. He was just the kind of father that Tony hoped he would be one day, if he had another chance.

‘I won’t be late,’ he said softly, and then he stood up again and walked out.

* * *

Ursula sat motionless as Tony walked away from her. She listened to the front door open and close, and heard his car engine
start up then fade as he drove away. Her bottom lip began to tremble. Jim turned off the television, moved closer to her and
put his arm around her. She bowed her head.

‘He’s gone, Jim.’

‘He’ll be back.’

She shook her head. ‘Tony’s gone. He’ll go back to her.’ She managed to lift her face up to look at her husband. ‘We’ve lost
him …’

Jim sighed. ‘Don’t be silly, love.’

‘I knew this would happen. Everything I’ve done in my life has been for my kids, and they just throw it back at me!’

‘Don’t cry.’ Jim squeezed her towards him. ‘He’s not throwing anything back at you. It’s only dinner with Anna. It’s something
he needs to do – he can’t avoid her forever.’

She felt herself crumple up in his arms and her shoulders heaved with sobs. ‘I can’t help but feel this is all my fault.’

‘Oh love, not this again. Don’t be silly, it’s —’