Fox Mate (Madison Wolves) (6 page)

I stared at it. I knew this was what I
had been working on, but I hadn't really thought about being finished, about ever holding so much as a high school diploma. I looked up at Francesca. "I really did it? This is real?"

"It's real, Michaela," she said.

"And it's about time!" said Angel, who immediately stood up and began clapping. Everyone else joined her. Kaylee ran forward and hugged me then ran back to her brothers, Alan and Jeremy.

I looked down at t
he diploma, reading every word. I stared where Francesca had written very clearly, "Michaela Redfur".

I looked at Lara, and she was beaming at me. I didn't think I deserved that smile. It was just a high school diploma. Everyone gets one, right? But I was proud. I turned back to Francesca. "Did I really earn this?"

"Yes, honey," she said. "Our requirements are for you to demonstrate competence in the material of each class. And you have demonstrated far, far more than basic competence. You earned it."

"Woo hoo!" Angel said. "A high school degree in three short months." She looked at Francesca. "Why do the rest of us need to go for four years?" There was laughter, and Francesca treated the question as rhetorical.

"Because," I said, "You don't want to miss my sailing class this summer."

"True," Angel said. "So true. Alpha, if I win the next pack night, is it too big a favor to ask the pack to buy a sailboat?"

Lara laughed. "You win, and we'll talk."

I tuned the rest of the conversation out but instead stared at my diploma. The conversation went on around me, and I received hugs I barely noticed, and then in the middle of things, I said, "I want a college degree."

The room grew silent.

"What?" asked Lara.

"Um. I want a college degree."

Lara grinned at me. "I rather thought you might say that.
"

I continued to meet with Vivian for my therapy twice a week. We varied the schedule and the location. Lara's involvement became less frequent as I grew more comfortable with Vivian.

Vivian told me right away this was going to take time. She told me I would need to confront my fears and my memories from the past. I couldn't continue to hide from them.

"I don't want to confront them," I said. "I want them to go away."

"How has that worked for you so far?" she asked. I didn't have an answer for her.

In some ways, it was easier for me when Lara was with me. When I started to panic, she could calm me down, and I was less likely to panic while she was holding me.

But in
other ways, it was also easier when Lara wasn't there. There were things I didn't want to say in front of her. But Vivian had to be careful, because poking into my past always generated an overwhelming need to run and hide.

During one solo session, Vivian asked about my younger years. "What's your earliest memory?"

I thought about it. "I don't know."

"Sure you do. Think of a memory. Tell me about it."

"All right. I remember one night playing 'Für Elise' on the piano. Mother seemed pleased at how well I played, but I knew she played it far better than I did."

"
'Für Elise' doesn't seem like an easy piece to play," Vivian suggested.

"It's not bad."

"Tell me about learning to play it."

I tried to think about learning to play the song. I tried to think about learning to play any song. I couldn't imagine I just sat down, looked at the music, and played it. But I couldn't remember struggling with any pieces. I made mistakes, and I r
emember mother giving Jean and me lessons.

"I don't remember," I told Vivian. "It was a long time ago."

"Of course. Did you play simple pieces on the piano?"

"
'Für Elise' is simple."

"I mean children's songs.
'Mary Had a Little Lamb', for instance."

I smiled. "If a wolf played that song, wouldn't it be
'Mary Ate a Little Lamb'?"

"Perhaps. Tell me about the children's songs you played when you were younger."

"I suppose if Mary was a lesbian, and her girlfriend was really innocent and sweet, then maybe 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' would be the right words for a wolf."

Vivian didn't even crack a smile. "Michaela," she
said firmly.

"Although I guess a dominant lesbian wolf still might prefer 'Mary Ate a Little Lamb'."

"Michaela!" Vivian said. I grinned at her. "Tell me about the children's songs you played when you first learned to play the piano."

"I don't want to talk about this, Vivian."

"Why not, Michaela? We're just talking about piano songs."

"I just don't," I said somewhat belligerently. I didn't look at her when I said it. "Aren't we almost done today? May I go?"

"In a minute," she replied. "Right after you tell me of a children's song you played."

I thought about it. "Fine.
'Brahm's Lullabye'."

"That's a very pretty piece. Can you envision yourself playing it?"

"Sure."

"Close your eyes," she said. "And imagine your fingers are on the piano keyboard. Can you show me how you play it?"

"All right," I said. "But this is silly." I placed my hands on my lap, thought about the piece, and began playing air piano, both hands moving through the notes and chords of the song for as much of it as I remembered. "I'm sorry, I used to have it memorized, but now I guess I need the sheet music."

"That's all right, Michaela. You did well." She handed me the box of tissues.

* * * *

Vivian seemed preoccupied with my childhood. It seemed like she brought it up at every se
ssion. I had to hand it to her: she was at least as stubborn as I was.

She came to
the compound for sessions sometimes. Lara would attend if she could, but she frequently had other duties. We had set up Vivian with an office in the school; it was small but quite comfortable.

"Did you ever have a boyfriend, Michaela?"

I looked at her. "You know I like girls, right?"

"Yes. But oftentimes teenage girls don't figure that out about themselves right away. Did you ever have a boyfriend?"

"I-" I stared at the floor. "I like girls."

"I know you do, Michaela. Tell me about your boyfriends."

I didn't look at her. "I like girls," I repeated again. I couldn't figure out why she always wanted to talk about all this ancient history. I looked up at her. "Nothing about my past matters," I said. "You're supposed to be helping me cope better, not dredge up things that are best forgotten."

"The best way to cope," Vivian said. "Is to confront the fears."

I glared at her. "The best way to confront the fears is with silver! You lure the fear into the trap. You kill the fear. Then you kill the memory of the fear." I punctuated my remarks with a slicing motion.

I looked up
at her. "You're always trying to lure me into traps."

"No traps, Michaela. Why do you talk about fears when I asked about old boyfriends?"

I looked away. "I like girls."

"When you were young, did you have a crush on any boys?"

"I guess," I said. "Once. His name was Jimmy."

"Tell me about Jimmy," Vivian said.

"There isn't much to tell. He lived near our family, a valley or two further east. I used to watch him and wish-"

"Wish what?" Vivian said when I didn't continue.

"Nothing. Just that he liked me. I was very pretty, even at twelve. He should have liked me."

"When did you first meet Jimmy?" Vivian asked.

"I guess I always knew him," I told her. "I don't remember not knowing him."

"So you remember being twelve, and wanting him to be your boyfriend, but you don't remember meeting him?"

"He was older than I was," I said. "Do you remember the first time you met people you've known your entire life?"

"All right," she said. "What happened to Jimmy? Did he become your boyfriend?"

"No," I said. "He- Um. His family moved. I don't know where. One day they were there, the next day they were gone."

"Did your parents talk to you about why they moved?"

"No," I said. "We didn't talk about people who moved."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. We just didn't. I was twelve. I didn't ask my parents questions like that."

"Do you remember the last time you saw Jimmy?"

"Sure," I said. "I was- I'm not proud of this. I was spying on him."

"What was he doing while you were spying on him?"

"He was- I- I don't remember. I remember hiding in the tree. I was hiding. I didn't want them to see me."

"Them?"

"I hid in the tree and was very quiet, high in the tree where they wouldn't smell me."

"I thought foxes hunted by sound and sight," Vivian said.

"We do."

"Who were you hiding from, Michaela?" Vivian asked.

I began rocking back and forth in the chair, then pulled my feet underneath me and hugged my knees. I didn't answer her.

Vivian waited a while then asked, "That was the last time you saw Jimmy?"

"Yes," I said. "I watched him leave, and then I listened for a long time. And he went home. The next day they were gone."

"You were in a tree?" Vivian asked.

"Yes. I liked climbing trees."

"You still like climbing trees."

"Yes. Trees are safe."

"I imagine," she said. "What did you do when
you climbed down from the tree?"

"I- I went home."

"Straight home."

"No, I don't think so. I had something to do. Then I went home and told Mom and Dad that Jimmy and his
family had moved." I looked at her. "I was crying. He was the only boy I knew, I guess."

"What did your parents say?"

"Mom wouldn't hug me at first. She made me take a bath. I was dirty. The water turned dark brown. Then while I was in the tub she told me over and over never to talk about it. To forget it happened."

"To forget Jimmy moved?"

I looked away. "I guess."

"What did you do between climbing down from the tree and going home," Vivian asked. Her eyes were boring into me, evil wolf eyes, and I couldn't tell her.
She was wolf. I couldn't tell her.

"Nothing," I said
in a small voice. "Daddy did it." I began rocking. "Daddy did it. It wasn't me. Daddy did it."

"Honey. Michaela."

"Secrets! Don't remember. Don't remember. Mommy said don't remember! Don't remember. Don't remember." I began keening and rocking back and forth. Vivian leaned forward and I shrunk further into the chair. "No! Don't think about it. Don't remember!"

I don't know what else I said. Lara wasn't there, and then she was. I tried to pull
away from her, screaming, "No! Secrets! My secrets!"

And then I was in Lara's strong arms. She pulled my face to
her, and I buried my nose, breathing deeply.

"What set this off?" she asked Vivian.

"No!" I said. "My secrets!" I glared at Vivian. "You can't tell my secrets! I won't tell my secrets!"

I tried pulling away from Lara. I needed to run away, run away before she found out. She couldn't find out, but Vivian wanted to make me tell.

But Lara held me tightly, not letting me go, and I began keening again.

"Shhh," she said. "Shhh. Michaela, shhh... No one is asking any more questions today."

It took her a long time to calm me down. Finally I apologized to Vivian. "I'm sorry. I guess I just really miss Jimmy and his family."

"You're an amazing woman, Michaela," Vivian said. "You've been so brave."

"No," I said. "Foxes aren't brave. We're just very good at hiding. But it's kind of you to say so." I allowed Lara to lead me home.

I refused to see Vivian for our next meeting. For the
one after that, I scheduled a conference with Scarlett's parents to talk about her academic progress. She was doing amazingly well, and I thought it was important for them to know.

I cancelled the third meeting, claiming I had too much grading to do.

Lara stopped by my office in the school. I looked up to see her standing in the doorway. "Hey," I said. "I wasn't expecting to see you until later."

"I finished early. Walk with me?"

"I have all this grading," I said.

"Short walk."

"All right," I said. I came around my desk and folded myself into her arms first, accepting a strong hug and brief kiss. Then she wrapped an arm around me and pulled me out into the hallway.

Elisabeth was there. So were Karen, Eric and Rory. The latter three were in fur.

"I don't have time for a run," I said.

"Just a walk," Lara said. She pulled me to the entrance. The other wolves followed us in flanking positions, keeping a respectful distance, but clearly on protective duty.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"Then why do we have such a sizeable protective detail in our own compound?"

"Don't worry about them," she said. "Walk with me."

She led me across the courtyard to our athletic field. We wandered the field; it felt aimless. The enforcers followed us at a careful distance, and it was making me nervous.

"What's going on, Lara?" I asked
. "Whatever you have to tell me: just spit it out."

"There's nothing to tell. I had a few minutes and I wanted to spend them with you."

She was full of shit, but it was clear she'd tell me in her own time. I told her she was full of shit, then bumped her with my hip so she knew I was okay. She squeezed my shoulder with her arm, and we walked around quietly, not talking.

Finally she led me back to the school. But instead of bringing me to my office, we went upstairs, the enforcers flanking us.

I didn't realize where she was leading me until we were standing outside Vivian's office door. I looked up at her. I looked at the enforcers. They were between me and the exits.

"Shitty trick, Lara," I told her.

"I know."

"No one is supposed to know
about this," I said.

"No one does," Lara replied.

"Well they do now."

"No. I told them to escort me around for a while, that there was something troubling me, and I couldn't figure it out, and just to give me some time."

"But they're here so I won't run."

"Yes," she confirmed.