Four Week Fiance 2 (11 page)

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said, my voice growing louder. Where was this coming from?

“Just that you always seem to be thinking of another guy or chatting one up,” he snapped.

“What guys have I ever been chatting up?” I snapped back at him.

“Aside from that twat that was at the table with you?”

“We were talking.”

“Is that all you wanted?” he asked, his fingers pushing their way up to my panties. I felt his finger rubbing against me roughly and I gasped as my legs unconsciously spread to give him better access.

“Stop,” I said, my eyes watering as I felt his fingers starting to move into my panties.

“Is this what you want?” he said as his finger rubbed my clit under the table. “It feels like it,” he said as he continued to rub me. I knew I was wet down there and I hated myself for it. How could this be turning me on?”

“No,” I said and snapped my legs shut.

“Okay,” he said and withdrew his finger from my panties and then moved his hand back down my leg slowly. I watched as his hand made its way back to the table and then he placed a finger into his mouth and sucked on it slowly. “Sure seems like you wanted it.” He looked at me; his eyes hollow as I watched him. My face was hot with shame and I looked away from him. Why was he being like this to me?

Madeline made her way back to the table. “Here’s your water,” she said, placing the glass in front of me. “And your whiskey, sir.” She placed it in front of him and stood back to watch him. “I can’t wait to see if you enjoy it.”

I wanted to shout at her to “just move it, bitch,” but I didn’t. I just sat there, feeling even more inferior and cheap.

“Let’s see.” TJ sat back, a wide smile on his face for the waitress, his eyes looking at her admiringly. Gone was the cold, calculating look. And in its place, instead, was an interested, happy face. My heart dropped as I watched him pick up the glass and take a sip. He swallowed slowly and then he looked at Madeline in approval. “Very, very nice. You have good taste.”

“Thank you.” She blushed and ran her hand through her hair. “I’ll be back to take your food order in a few minutes.”

“Sounds great,” TJ said. “Though maybe I’ll let you pick for me.”

“You’d trust me for that?” she asked with a huge smile.

“I’d trust you with a lot more than that.” He winked at her and then I saw him give me a quick look, as if to see if I was paying attention. His eyes met mine, and he looked at me and studied my face for a second before I turned my face away from him.

“Okay, I’ll be back,” Madeline said and I watched as she and TJ exchanged one last smile. The look on TJ’s face was one of teasing happiness and it made my heart fall heavily. The happiness and excitement that I’d been feeling earlier in the day was completely gone. I’d been fooling myself, telling myself that TJ wanted me and was falling for me as well. This was nothing to him. I was nothing to him and I never would be.

***

T
J dropped me off after a very quiet dinner and said he had to go back to the office to do some work. I just nodded and got out of the car without even looking at him. I felt completely broken and dejected. My spirits were low and all I wanted to do was call Sally. I couldn’t deal with this. I couldn’t deal with TJ treating me like this. I couldn’t deal with being around him and not really having him.

It had never really hit me until that moment that there was never going to be a happily-ever-after with TJ. He just wasn’t into me in that way. All he wanted was sex and to have a good time. I couldn’t even be mad. He’d never given me any reason to think any other way.

My body flashed hot and cold as I walked into his apartment and I immediately walked to his bathroom and started running a bath. All I wanted to do was soak and cry and get it out. Then I’d call Sally. Right now, I needed hot water over me.

I took off my shoes and started to take off my skirt and underwear. Tears started streaming down my face as I got undressed. I grabbed my phone and clicked on my music icon so I could listen to some James Bay while I had my bath. I loved his music, it was emotional, and while I knew I should listen to something hard and more rock-like to get over my depressed state, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I stepped into the bath and squealed as the hot water burned me, but I didn’t jump out. I deserved the pain for being such a dumbass. I slowly started to sit down as the water continued to sting me. And then the song, “If You Ever Want to Be in Love” started playing through my phone. The tears came even faster as I finally submerged myself in the water and sat down; the tears were both for my heartache and the scalding the water was giving me.

I leaned back and closed my eyes as I let the water crash over me. The tears streamed down my face and all I could picture was TJ’s face as he’d smiled at the waitress—how happy and light-hearted he’d been as he’d innocently flirted with her. I’d seen the look he’d given her. It was fun, flirty, carefree and she’d responded in the same way. I couldn’t ever remember him ever giving me that look. When I was younger he’d looked at me as his best friend’s younger sister who was dorky, and he’d teased me relentlessly. Sometimes he’d looked at me with more emotion, when he’d listened to me talk about exams or heartaches or other silly things that had bothered me. He’d given me hugs, been caring, but he’d never given me a look of instant attraction, of love, of real interest.

And now, now that we were older and doing things I’d only hoped we’d be doing, some of his looks had changed. I’d seen lust in his eyes. I’d seen bare-naked want, but I’d not seen that innocent attraction, the admiration, the stirrings of a beginning love. I’d only fooled myself into thinking that we could have something real. He’d told me over and over again that this was a contract. He’d told me over and over he didn’t do love. He’d reminded me that he wasn’t the man for me. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t listened to him.

Actually, that was a lie. I knew why I hadn’t listened to him. Because my heart was holding on to a string attached to the moon and the stars. My heart was hoping that God would answer my prayers and that TJ would fall head over heels in love with me. I thought that God loved me. I thought he answered prayers. I’d been asking him for years to let TJ fall in love with me. I guess this was one prayer he wasn’t interested in answering.

I reached over and grabbed my phone and called Sally. I needed to hear her voice. I needed her to tell me it was okay. I needed her to tell me that one day, I’d meet my Prince Charming. One day someone would love me as much as I loved them. Even if that someone wasn’t TJ.

“Hello?” Sally answered the phone, her voice out of breath.

“Hey, you busy?” I hiccupped.

“Just got done jogging. What’s going on?”

“Not much,” I said, my voice barely able to work through the tears.

“Are you okay?” She sounded concerned. “What’s going on, Mila?”

“I want to ask you a question,” I said, my voice wobbly. “You need to answer me honestly, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, her voice light. “What’s the question?”

“Did you ever think I had a real chance at a real relationship with TJ?”

“What?” she said.

“You heard me. Did you ever really think TJ was interested in me?”

“You mean did I ever think he liked you before this?” she said, her words slow.

“Yeah, or did you ever think he would ever really want me? Like a man wants a woman he’ll love for the rest of his life?”

“Why are you asking me this, Mila?” She sighed.

“Just answer me honestly. Answer me as a friend. Answer me as my best friend. And do me the honor of being straight. Not the best friend that wants to protect my feelings, but the best friend that wants to let her best friend know the truth.”

“Mila.” She sighed. “What is going on?”

“Answer me,” I cried out. “Just answer the question.” I sobbed for a few seconds. “Please.”

“No,” she said quietly, and her voice caught. “I’m sorry, Mila, but no, I never thought you and TJ would end up together, but that doesn’t mean that . . .” Her voice trailed off as I screamed into the phone.

“Stop. Don’t try and make me feel better. Just be honest with me. My heart is going to break either way. You trying to help my feelings isn’t going to make me feel any better.”

“You can do better than TJ, Mila,” she said softly. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’ll call you later,” I said and hung up the phone quickly and then turned it off. All of a sudden, I felt tired, deathly tired. My body ached and I just wanted to lie down on the bed. I got up out of the bath and grabbed a towel. I dried myself for a few seconds and then waddled to the bedroom and walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it and started crying uncontrollably, TJ’s handsome face filling my mind. I cried and cried until I started punching the pillow with my fists. I was so angry with myself. I felt so stupid. Like a fool and an idiot. How could I have put myself into this position? How could I have even thought for a minute that this was based on anything other than sex? TJ had never been interested in me. He’d never wooed me. He’d never come to me. Never asked me on a date. This was just a convenient hook-up for him. I wanted to scream at myself. Wanted to slap myself for thinking that he could ever love me.

What did I have to offer him? I wasn’t beautiful. I didn’t have a perfect body. I didn’t look anything like the other girls he dated. I wasn’t super smart. I wasn’t sporty. I wasn’t witty and intelligent. I didn’t follow the news or international affairs. We had no real interests in common. I had nothing to offer him. He had the whole world to give a woman. I was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My sobs were so loud that I didn’t hear the front door opening. I didn’t hear him walking towards the bedroom. I didn’t hear him stop at the entrance to the bedroom door. I didn’t hear him standing there, staring at me, crying my eyes out and punching the pillow like I was being killed or that someone in my life had died. I didn’t hear anything. I just cried and cried because my heart was being pulled out of my body and I was slowly losing all will to ever feel good about myself or my life again. I felt like I was being broken in two. I felt like I was losing a part of myself in my despair. I’d never known what it was like to lose someone important before, but as I lay there crying, I knew that I was losing a part of my heart. A part of my innocence was forever gone.

And then I heard him. And then I looked up, my heart pounding, my face red and splotchy. I froze as our eyes met and his face was a mask of worry and concern.

“Why are you crying, Mila?” TJ walked into the room, his face grim and twisted as he approached me, his eyes studying my face. “Who hurt you? What happened?”

“No one hurt me,” I said as I looked away from him. How could I tell him that I was crying for myself because of him? Because he made me feel invisible? Because he’d never once looked at me in the way I’d seen him looking at the waitress in the restaurant? How could I tell him that I was crying because for once in my life I wanted to matter? I wanted to be the one someone wanted. I wanted to be the one admired. For all my laughter and plans, I was hurt inside. I was more than hurt. I was broken.

I’d tried to hide the fact that it hurt me that he didn’t care for so many years. I’d lied to myself that I wasn’t hurt and dejected. In my head and heart, I’d known that it would happen. I ignored the fact that he didn’t pursue me. I made all these excuses to myself for the reasons why, when the real reason was in front of me. He just didn’t care about me. Yeah, maybe he wanted to sleep with me, but I wasn’t his
one
. I wasn’t anything special. And knowing that, knowing that he’d never looked at me with that glint in his eyes that I’d seen when he’d looked at Madeline, killed me. It made me feel weak and empty and alone and there was nothing I could do to fix that feeling. There was nothing I could do to make him love me. There was nothing I could do to make him feel for me the way I felt for him.

I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand how I could feel all these feelings, love him so much. I didn’t understand why I would want him so much, when to him, I was nothing.

“Tell me why you’re crying, Mila.” He frowned as he sat next to me. “Who do I have to beat up?”

“No one. I’m fine.” I gulped as he sat down on the bed and gingerly touched my shoulder.

“You’re not fine.” He lay down next to me and reached over to my face. “Tell me what’s wrong, Mila. Please.”

“Nothing is wrong.” I kept my eyes down. How did you tell someone that their not loving you had broken you without seeming pathetic?

“Mila.” His voice broke and I looked into his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” I tried to wipe my eyes. My whole being felt embarrassed and awkward.

“It matters to me,” he said softly. “Please Mila, talk to me.”

“You were mean to me tonight,” I said softly, not knowing why I was letting the words out. “I was just waiting on you. And that guy approached me and you were mean.”

“I didn’t intend to be mean,” he said stiffly.

“And then you were flirting with the waitress. I thought you were going to ask her out. It was so disrespectful.” I looked down.

“I didn’t realize I was flirting with her.” He sighed. “Is that why you’re crying?”

“I’m just emotional because I’m getting my period,” I lied. I didn’t want him to know I was devastated.

“I might have been flirting with the waitress because I wanted to make you jealous.” He touched my cheek lightly and I looked over at him and he had a weird look on his face.

“Make me jealous?” I asked him, confused.

“I was looking forward to our dinner all day and then I walk in and see you flirting with some guy.” He shrugged. “It made me upset.”

“We weren’t flirting.”

“He wanted you.”

“He was just being friendly.”

“Guys are only friendly to women they want.” He made a face. “He wanted you.”

“I didn’t want him.”

“I acted irrationally, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I took a huge breath and my heartbeat started to slow down as I calmed down a bit. So maybe he didn’t think the waitress was his soul mate, after all. Though, I still thought it was pretty shitty that he’d been flirting with her right in front of me.