Four Summers (32 page)

“I’m gay.”

I stop breathing. Totally not what I was expecting.

The bottle in my hand slips through and falls to the floor, beer foaming out. I don’t even pick it up. “Excuse me?” It’s not that I’m homophobic or anything. Hell, what other people do is none of my business. To each their own, but hearing my brother tell me he’s gay isn’t something I ever thought I’d hear. I never suspected.

“I’m gay, man.”

“Since when?”

“What do you mean since when? Since forever. It’s not just something someone wakes up and decides.” He starts pacing the room.

“Shit.” I run a hand through my hair. “I didn’t mean to ask that. I just…you go out with girls. You talk about sleeping with them all the time. Hell, I saw you having sex with Sadie once.”

“That’s because I didn’t want to be gay!” he yells. “Who wants to deal with that? People judging you and looking down on you. I’m a fucking football player, Nate. You play sports. You know how that is. You hear the shit people say. I just…” He stops moving and looks at me. I’ve never seen my brother look so lost and scared in my life.

“I thought maybe I could fake it…or change it. Didn’t you notice I wasn’t really with anyone after her? It was wrong. I had sex with her and then I went home and ignored all her calls because she wasn’t what I wanted. I felt sick, but then even worse for feeling that way because I
should
want her, right? That’s what everyone says. That would make me fucking normal, right?”

Wow.

Brandon falls onto the couch, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. And I just sit there. I don’t know what to do or what to say.

“Tell me I’m normal, Nate?” Then, my brother starts to cry. It’s not just tears in his eyes, but full out crying. “
Tell me, tell me, tell me
,” he says over and over.

I’ve never seen strength like I see from my brother right now. Because even though he’s breaking down, he’s manning up, too. He’s admitting who he is and I hate the fucking world for making him feel like he should be ashamed about it. “Hey. There is nothing wrong with who you are. You hear me? Fuck anyone who tells you anything differently.”

Brandon looks over at me with red eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He breaks down crying again and this time and I hug him. It’s awkward at first. I don’t think I’ve hugged my own brother since I was five years old, but soon it feels more natural. He’s still crying and I’m still trying to process what he said. It’s hard to work through it, but I don’t want him to see me struggle. I just want to be here for him.

My brother is gay.

He’s been lying to us, to everyone his whole life.

But he told me now.

It feels like forever until he stops crying. I scoot back and Brandon wipes his face with his shirt.

“Shit. I can’t believe I just broke down like that. That makes me feel more like a pussy than being gay.”

He laughs and even though I don’t feel like doing it, I laugh, too. Neither of us feels it, but we need to try to do something to lighten the mood.

“You could have told me,” I tell him. “All these year…you could have said something.” He’s been carrying that alone and it has to be killer.

“Yeah?” he sounds like he’s not sure if he believes me.

“It doesn’t matter to me. You’re still my brother and…I don’t think I’ve given you the credit you deserve all these years. I just didn’t know, man. I didn’t know you were holding all of that in and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry you felt like you had to keep quiet about it and…I want you to know, I’ve never been more proud to be your bother than I am right now.”

I’ve obviously just said the wrong thing because Brandon looks like he’s about to be sick. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

“What is it?” I scoot back, waiting for him to tell me something huge. Nothing prepares me for what he says.

“That second summer…Alec and I…”

“What?” I jerk off the couch and push to my feet. My world tilts, then things start to align. “Alec?”

“I mean, I kind of new that first summer, but I didn’t want to believe it. I tried to fight it, but we talked all that year. I thought maybe if I didn’t go back, I could try and forget everything. Then the second summer…we just got closer then, ya know? I know you hate him, but you don’t know him like I do, Nate. Not a whole lot happened that year, but yeah, we started…” Brandon trails off before picking up the conversation elsewhere. “We kept talking again all year after that, and then last summer…”

I shake my head. Not wanting to hear more. Somehow knowing exactly what he’s going to say. “Don’t.”

“I have to. I need you to understand. We were scared. No one could know. His dad…and college…football…” He’s throwing out all sorts of words, but not finishing a sentence.

“What are you even talking about? Alec’s been all over Charlotte her whole life. He hated me. Kicked any guy's ass who messed with her. He wanted to run The Village with her one day.”

One look at him tells me it was a lie; Alec was lying, just like Brandon did. That Alec wanted to use Charlotte the same way my brother did with Sadie. “Tell me,” I grit out, backing away.

“Charlie caught us that night. Alec went after her. He was freaked out, Nate. He thought she would tell and he was scared.”

“So he kissed her to make up for it? And you knew. You knew I was gutted all year and you never said anything!”

“Fuck you, Nate! That’s easy for you to say. You don’t get it! You’ll never get it unless you’ve experienced it.”

“What I don’t get is letting your brother be miserable for nine months. I loved her, man and you let me think she wanted him!”

“Gutted? What about Marisol? You moved on.”

“The way you did? You just admitted to me that you were with people you didn’t want, so fuck you, Brandon. I love her! We had all these plans and…and you all knew. Everyone knew, but me.” Now it’s me who’s pacing the room. “I was the only one in the dark. I was wrecked and all three of you could have said something to ease it, but no one did!” Another thought hits me and it takes everything inside me not to tackle my brother and kick his ass. “I lost her so you could what? Keep Alec? So you guys could have your secret?”

“No. That’s not it! We didn’t talk last year. It didn’t feel right. You don’t fucking get it, Nate!”

The downstairs door opens, and Alec and Charlotte walk in.

“You didn’t tell me,” is the first thing I say when she walks in.

Charlotte looks at Brandon, then at me and back to Brandon again, putting all the pieces together. Alec is right next to her. I can’t read the guarded expression on his face and I don’t want to.

“How could I, Nate? I wanted to, so bad, but it was their secret to tell. It…it wouldn’t have been right.”

I’ve always felt like I fit with Charlotte. Like we belonged, matched even though there are things about us that are so different. We made sense and I felt like I would always fit with her.

But I was wrong. Just like last summer, they’re on one side, and I’m on the other.

“No matter what, I would always do anything to make sure you weren’t hurt. Do you know what it felt like to see you with him? It was like you punched through my chest and ripped my heart out. You could have found a way. Someway to tell me something at least so I wouldn’t spend all that time wondering what I did wrong or if everything was a lie.”

“I spent months the same way!” Charlotte steps closer to me. “After the first summer you just dropped off the face of the Earth and left me hanging. Don’t you think that whole time I wondered what I did wrong?”

“No.” I shake my head. “That was different. We hadn’t spent the summer saying we loved each other.”

“So? Saying it doesn’t make it truer! I always knew I loved you. I did everything I could to tell you I didn’t want to kiss Alec, without telling something that wasn’t mine to share. You’re the one who chose not to trust me.”

At that, the room goes silent. I’m breathing heavy. Alec has walked over to Brandon. Charlotte and I are standing about five feet apart, staring at each other. She’s right. I’ve probably always known it. I’ve thought about it lately, how I didn’t trust her, when I should have.

Words are lost. I don’t know what to say. Brandon’s cell ringing makes it so I don’t have to.

“Dad? What’s wrong?” I hear my brother say. He pauses. “We’ll be right there!”

Brandon pushes around me and heads for the door. “We have to go! Mom’s having the baby and they can’t stop the delivery.”

Alec drives Brandon’s truck because we’ve both been drinking. How screwed up are we? Our mom is in the hospital, trying not to go into preterm labor, and we’re getting drunk. Not that I feel any kind of buzz now, but still.

No one says a word, except for Brandon reminding Alec how to get to the hospital. We go to Labor and Delivery.

One of the nurses we’ve seen before is at the desk when we get in. She gives us a sad look.

“You guys are going to have to wait here. They’re delivering right now. I should have some news for you soon, okay?”

My hands are shaking as I nod. We take a seat in the waiting room. My right leg bounces up and down, but I can’t make it stop. I feel like I’m going to shake out of my skin.

I don’t know what to feel right now. I’m scared to death for Mom and the baby. For Dad. Scared of losing the baby. Hurt from Charlotte and Brandon. Confused. Guilty for not believing her or not realizing my brother held such an important part of himself from me.

I lean my elbows on my knees, head down, and try to take a couple deep breaths. Without letting myself think, I reach over and grab Charlotte’s hand. None of our problems matter right now. She locks our fingers together and leans into me. Kisses my shoulder and whispers, “I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

Just knowing there’s someone there to share some of the pain, helps.

My eyes find Brandon. Tears stain his face. He’s shaking just like I am. I see the fear in his eyes. Alec sitting beside him…yet he can’t comfort Brandon the way Charlotte does me.

Or I guess he can, but they’re scared. I cock my head, trying to figure out what that would feel like. To be so lost and freaked out of your own mind, but the fear of letting someone else see who you are is stronger.

It’s not only my pain that Brandon’s fear won the battle with, but his own. Yeah, he wasn’t honest with me, but it wasn’t to hurt me. And seeing him hear and knowing he’d probably like to have someone share some of his burden the way Charlotte does with me, shows me he’s suffered too. Longer than I ever have. Alec is within his reach, but he can’t go to him. Someone to support him, but he’d suffer alone. I hate it.

“Go somewhere,” tumbles out of my mouth.

“What?” Brandon asks.

“We’ll stay here. Find a room or whatever you guys need. Just stay close. The second Dad comes out, I’ll text you. You shouldn’t be alone in this.”

Brandon rushes to his feet, grabs me and pulls me into the tightest hug. “Thank you. I’m sorry. Thank you.” Something tells me he’s thanking me for more than just this. Maybe this whole time, he’s been afraid we wouldn’t accept him.

“There’s nothing to thank me for,” I tell him.

When we pull away, Alec looks at me. The guy I’ve hated for four years. The one who’s hated me and maybe loves my brother, holds my stare and says, “Thanks, man. You’re all right, you know?”

I nod. As they’re walking away, I sit down again. I pull Charlotte to my lap, wrap my arms around her waist and bury my head in her neck. “I want my brother to be okay. Both of them.”

“They will be. I think the Chase boys can do just about anything.”

That one sentence gives me hope. It’s not the exact same, but close enough to the same thing I said before.

There are so many words that could be said right now; I’m sorry, forgive me, I trust you, I love you, but I’m not now is the time. Eventually? Yeah, but I think deep down, we all already know them, regardless.

Only twenty-five minutes after we get there, Joshua is born. He weighs 1.5 pounds. His lungs are weak. He has to have tubes all over him, but he’s here. And I know he’ll be okay. He’s a Chase.

Charlotte and Alec stay all night with us. Charlotte doesn’t let go of me the whole time. I don’t want her to. Alec is never more than a foot away from Brandon either.