Four of a Kind (47 page)
Authors: Valerie Frankel
BEVERAGE OF CHOICE: Cheap whisky in a dirty glass. Use a rusty nail to stir.
Ranking Poker Hands Guide
From best to worst:
ROYAL FLUSH: ten, jack, queen, king, ace of the same suit (you will never get this, but dare to dream)
STRAIGHT FLUSH: any five cards of the same suit in order (for instance, all hearts, 6-7-8-9-10)
FOUR OF A KIND: four of the same card (a hand might look like this: Q-Q-Q-Q-4)
FULL HOUSE: any pair plus any three of a kind (say, 7-7-7-5-5)
FLUSH: any five cards of the same suit
STRAIGHT: five cards in order of any suit
THREE OF A KIND: three of the same card
TWO PAIR: two pairs of any cards
ONE PAIR: you know what this is—two of a kind
HIGH CARD: None of the above? Player with the high card wins. The ace is the highest card.
If two or more players have a flush, then the “higher flush” wins. To have higher flush, or higher straight, your high card must be better than your opponent. For example, say you have five diamonds (4-6-7-9-J), and your opponent also has five diamonds (2-6-7-9-K). Your opponent wins because she has a king high flush vs. your jack high flush. If you have a straight (8-9-10-J-Q), and your opponent has a straight (7-8-9-10-J), you win with a queen high straight vs. her jack high straight. Same thing with full houses. If you and another player both have a full house, the player with the higher full house wins. Say you have 6-6-6-7-7, and your opponent has 7-7-7-6-6. She wins because her three of a kind is higher than yours.
For at-home poker, you can use any damn terms you want. It’s your house. Your friends. Your
booze
. Your special brownies. You might not want to say, “I fold.” You folded three loads of laundry today already, and don’t want the reminder during your fun night of greed and lying. “I call” might remind you that you forgot to return your mother-in-law’s five urgent messages. “I check” naturally brings to mind the pile of bills on your desk. Substitute word choice at will. Personally, I prefer to say the noble “acting” to “bluffing.” It sounds more creative and artsy.
If you plan a trip to Atlantic City or Las Vegas to play poker against real gamblers with real money, you need to understand and speak the language. Some essential words and phrases:
ACTION: The speed and intensity of play at the table
ANTE: The amount each player adds to the pot at the beginning of each hand
BAD BEAT: Losing with a pretty good hand. If you have an ace high straight, and are beaten by a flush, that’s a bad beat.
BET: Putting money in the pot to stay in the hand
BLIND (BIG AND SMALL): The blinds are forced bets that are made before each poker hand. The big blind is made by the player second from the left of the dealer. (In a real casino, there is only the professional dealer, so a dealer “button” moves around the table instead.) The small blind made by the player immediately to the left of the dealer (or dealer button). Typically, a small blind is half the big blind ($3 and $6, for example). As the button moves around the table clockwise, so do the blinds.
BLUFF: Pretending you have a better hand than you really do to make a sucker fold—or, as I like to call it, “acting”
BURN AND TURN: The dealer puts one card to the side before dealing a faceup community card
BUTTON: A plastic button that moves clockwise around the table, denoting the dealer
CALL: Betting the minimum amount to stay in the hand
CHECK: Staying in a hand, but declining to bet. If another player bets, however, you will be forced to call or fold.
CHIP: A troublesome object sometimes found upon one’s shoulder, or a yummy morsel of chocolate, or a colored plastic disc used to represent an amount of money
FLOP: The first three community cards in Hold ’Em games
FOLD: What is done with laundry, or dumping a bad hand
HEADS UP: Play between only two players
HOLE (AS IN, “IN THE HOLE”): Facedown private cards
POCKET (AS IN, “IN THE POCKET”): Facedown cards; see “hole”
POT: A metal vessel for cooking which you will not be using tonight, or the big pile of chips in the middle of the table that the winner of the hand will claim while whooping
RAG: A dishtowel you will not be using to clean up with tonight, or a low- or off-suit card that does not help you make a winning hand
RAISE; RERAISE: Adding to the bet another player has made
RIVER: The fifth community card in Hold ’Em games
SHOWDOWN: When players reveal their pocket cards to see who won the hand
STEAM: What happens when a player gets frustrated and starts making emotional, reckless bets
TURN: The fourth community card in Hold ’Em games
WINNER: What you will surely be if you (1) understand the rules, (2) practice your poker face to Lady Gaga-esque perfection, and (3) accept risk as part of poker and life. As winner’s say, “Bet big or go home.” Since you are, possibly, already home, you’ve got nothing to lose.
Dedicated to
Dana Isaacson,
my hero
V
ALERIE
F
RANKEL
received critical acclaim for her bestselling memoir,
Thin Is the New Happy
. She was Joan Rivers’s co-writer on
Men Are Stupid … and They Like Big Boobs
and she collaborated with Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi on the
New York Times
bestselling novel
A Shore Thing
. Val is the author of fifteen novels, including
The Accidental Virgin
, and is a journalist much in demand. Her writing has appeared in
O Magazine, Allure, Self
, and
The New York Times
, among other publications. Her Q&A Love column in
Mademoiselle
was a popular favorite for many readers. She lives in Brooklyn Heights with her two daughters and husband, opera singer Stephen Quint.
