Found Wanting (39 page)

"I'm not leaving you for another woman. Winnifred Ellison isn't my mistress. I'm leaving you because I never loved you, Addy. I used you."

She sank onto a kitchen stool, feeling weak, as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Please don't do this."

"You had the life I wanted. A good father. A family. Money. I wanted a key role in your father's business, and I got it through you. I made it what it is today, you know."

She covered her face with badly shaking hands. "Please stop."

"But for some reason, no matter what I did, I could never entirely please your father. Always, just beneath the surface, he seemed disappointed in me, like there was something he wanted from me that I failed to give him."

She raised her head, not caring that her eyes streamed and her nose ran. All she knew was that she was about to lose everything. If he left her, there would be no pretending that everything in their lives was perfect. Everyone would know what a failure she was. She couldn't bear it, couldn't bear the thought of the other corporate wives gossiping about her, speculating about what had destroyed her marriage. Couldn't bear the thought of being alone, of starting over again, disgraced. She would have no one. No one.

"We'll see a counselor, Layton," she said. "We can try again to have a baby. I'll see the doctors, go through the procedures again, whatever you want."

Shaking his head in disgust, he strode to the double swinging doors that led out of the kitchen. But instead of pushing through them, he paused. "You're not barren."

"What?"

"You've never been able to get pregnant because I had a vasectomy before we got married."

She dropped her hands onto her thighs, her jaw going slack. "But the doctor said your tests were fine."

He shrugged. "We made a deal."

Her stomach felt as if the roller coaster had topped its first peak and was plunging. "Why would you do that?"

"The last thing I wanted from you was a bratty kid."

"Why didn't you just say that? Why did you put me through --"

"Your father never would have understood why I didn't want kids. He would have hammered at me about it, trying to wear me down, trying to force me to do what he wanted. But if it was your fault we couldn't conceive, then there wasn't much I could do about it, was there?"

Clamping her hands over her mouth to hold in a sob, she shook her head in disbelief. Something was breaking inside her. She could feel it ripping away from its mooring, buffeted by an inner storm that was only just beginning.

Smiling slightly, he said, "Don't look so devastated, Addy. Later, when you really start to think about it, you might be glad we never had kids. Chances are, they would have grown up to be just like me." He pushed through the doors and was gone.

Broken, Addison put her head down on the counter and wept.

* * *

Mitch paused by the front window of the cabin, nudging aside the curtains to peer outside.

"She wasn't out there a minute ago when you did that."

He glanced over his shoulder at Julia, who was finishing up her Reuben. "I'm being a worry wart, I know," he said.

"I'm sure she's fine. There's no one out there for miles, and she's too smart to get lost."

Returning to the table, he sat. "I don't know how to help her, Jules. It's driving me nuts."

Julia licked Thousand Island dressing from her finger as she studied him. Then, her eyes narrowing, she slowly lowered her hand. "I'll be damned. Are you in love with her?"

He scrubbed his hands over his face. "I thought I was just feeling guilty, but I've felt guilty before and it wasn't like this."

"Like what?"

"There's a knot in my gut that won't go away, and when I'm around her, I feel like a stupid teenager." He gave her a grim look. "I want to tear that fucker Keller in two."

Julia grinned. "My hero."

"I'm serious, Jules. If I get my hands on him, someone's going to have to stop me from ripping his head off."

Her humor faded. "You are serious. In fact, I've never seen you like this." She sat back in the chair, folding her arms. "Maybe you need to back off this one."

He shook his head. "No way."

"I'll stay here with Alaina. You go back to D.C. and handle the security details."

"No."

She leaned forward. "Mitch, emotional involvement screws with our judgment. It's human. Don't put Alaina at risk because you're too stubborn to admit you've gotten too close."

"I won't walk away. I've done that my entire life."

"This isn't your life. It's hers. You're making it too personal."

"It is personal. Keller used me to terrorize a woman he brutalized fifteen years ago. He made me a part of her nightmare, and that pisses me off big time. But what he did to her ... that's what I'm going to kill him for."

"I need you to back up and explain what you mean by that."

Chapter 30

Alaina shivered as she sat on the cabin's front porch steps. She couldn't bring herself to go inside. Not yet. Not when she still felt so close to losing control. It wasn't Mitch's or Julia's fault that Layton had stowed Jonah away behind impenetrable, prison-like walls. She was surprised his estate wasn't surrounded by a moat stocked with starving alligators.

Two weeks.

She and Jonah had never been separated for more than a weekend. Now, it had been eleven days. Who knew how many lies Layton had told him? Who knew what Jonah was thinking or feeling as he lay in an unfamiliar bed at night? Betrayal. Abandonment. Anger. Disappointment.

His wounds would form scars, even after he found out the truth, that would never go away. And once he did find out the truth ... what kind of scars would that leave? How could she protect him from that? How would she ever be able to convince him that how he was conceived didn't affect how much she loved him?

"Hey."

Alaina started, glancing up to see Julia standing beside her, Mitch's leather jacket dangling from one hand, a cup of steaming coffee in the other. "I thought you might be cold," she said, handing down the coffee, then draping the jacket over Alaina's shoulders.

"Thanks." The jacket's instant warmth felt good, and Alaina drew its edges close with one hand, focusing on how it smelled like Mitch, like pine and wood and leather. Like shelter.

Julia sat beside her, hunching her thin shoulders in her own jacket. "It's brisk out here."

"I'm okay," Alaina said, wrapping her chilled fingers around the warm coffee mug. "You don't have to make small talk."

Julia's lips curved. "I don't know you, but you don't seem okay."

"It's been a rough week," Alaina admitted.

Julia laughed softly. "Now that's an understatement."

"I'm sorry I was rude before. I'm having a hard time being patient."

"I can understand that," Julia said. "Being away from your kid like this ... I can't even imagine what it's like."

Alaina buried her chin in the jacket's collar, breathed in Mitch's scent. Somehow, it made her feel stronger. "Thank you for the pictures. They help."

"It's not much, but it's something." Julia clasped her hands in front of her face, blew on them. "Has Mitch told you why he left the Bureau?"

Alaina glanced at her without responding.

"This isn't small talk," Julia said. She obviously had something important to say.

"No, he hasn't. I know Chuck -- I don't remember his last name -- was his partner."

"Reiser. He had an affair with Mitch's wife."

Alaina, about to sip coffee, paused. "Oh."

"I don't know all the details, but it all started after he and Mitch worked a kidnap case. A woman grabbed a neighbor's toddler and took off to --"

"North Carolina. He told me about that."

Julia looked surprised. "He did?"

"He said he had to kill the kidnapper to keep her from hurting the child. It was very difficult for him."

"To put it mildly. As soon as he got out of the hospital, he quit the Bureau --"

"Hospital?" Alaina cut in, as much alarmed by what Julia had said as the way her stomach flip-flopped at the thought of him injured. "Why was he in the hospital?"

"Ah," Julia said, nodding. "He didn't tell you the whole story."

"Apparently not."

"When the woman started shooting at them, Mitch threw himself in front of Chuck and took a bullet in the shoulder."

Alaina remembered the puckered scar, and her insides clenched. He'd been hit in the shoulder, but he so easily could have been shot in the heart.

"In the ER," Julia went on, "Chuck fessed up about the affair. I guess the guilt was too much for him after Mitch saved his life. As soon as Mitch was released, he filed for divorce and turned in his resignation. He lost his wife, his best friend and his job all at the same time. He also had to deal with the fact that he'd taken the life of another human being. A couple years after the divorce -- Shirley and Chuck didn't make it -- Shirley married another guy and moved to another state with Mitch's son. You bet it was very difficult for him. It nearly killed him."

Alaina ached for what he had gone through, wished she could have been there to help him. But why Julia thought she needed to know eluded her. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Mitch doesn't allow himself to feel very much. He considers it too emotionally dangerous. To him, it's easier to close himself off and be alone than deal with the aftermath of a messy relationship."

As what Julia said sank in, Alaina remembered something Mitch had said to her: "You can hold me at bay all you want, but there's no way in hell I'm walking away without a fight."

That from a man who found it easier to shut himself down and be alone? It struck her how difficult saying such a thing had been for him. Yet he had seemed so fearless and strong and confident.

"We've known each other less than two weeks," she said quietly, still trying to wrap her brain around how something so serious could develop in so little time.

Julia sighed. "I've known him a couple years, and I've never seen him look at a woman the way he was looking at you in there."

Alaina's stomach did another nervous roll. "Oh."

"In fact," Julia said with a shrug, "seeing the way he looked at you made me really want to kick your ass."

Alaina laughed. "But you're not going to, I hope."

"Depends on whether you break his heart."

Alaina heard the subtle threat under the joke, but instead of being offended, she was glad Mitch had someone like Julia to watch his back.

Sobering, Julia said, "He's going to get your son back, Alaina. If it's the last thing he does."