Forsaken (31 page)

Levi walked Hannah back to the house. Even though he was physically beside her, he seemed distant, as if his thoughts were far away and his emotions locked inside his chest. Had he locked her out? Was he disappointed in her? Angry? Her steps harmonized to his pace, but he didn't offer her his arm or even a hand. And she realized she wanted that connection, needed it more than she had ever imagined.

Their footsteps clomped loudly against the porch steps, and she hoped they wouldn't awaken her grandfather. At the door, he faced her, his eyes dark and serious, his jaw tight. “I will be here all night if you need me.”

“Levi, it isn't necessary.” Her hand lifted as if to reach out to him, to assure him, but she held back. “Jacob will not hurt me.”

“His intentions are not pure. I will be here.”

His tone ignited a spark of fear inside her. Fear for Levi. Fear for Jacob. “What will you do?”

“What I must.”

“But—”

“Hannah”—the timbre of his voice resonated through her—“it is no secret, my feelings for you. I love you. I want to marry you.”

Her heart beat in a heady rhythm, but her throat tightened, closing down on the words she would say, wanted to say, and that Levi was waiting to hear.

“But this thing with Jacob,” he continued, “it must be decided once and for all. I do not understand what he has become and I'm not sure I want to. But a line has been drawn and decisions have to be made. Do you understand?”

She nodded, her throat convulsing with all the emotions bombarding her, and she laid a hand directly over his heart and felt the rhythm of it matching her own. “You know my choice. You cannot doubt it. But I must be the one to tell Jacob. I must speak to him.”

“It's more dangerous than you know, Hannah. It is not our way to fight, and yet, I feel that is what we are in: a fight for our lives…for
your
life. It is too late to save Jacob or I would fight for him too.” He ran a hand through his hair and settled his hat firmly back in place. “I always thought the armor of God was more symbolic but now…” He glanced downward. “Maybe it's not. The Old Testament is filled with battles waged.” His gaze returned to hers, imploring in their slant. “I wish you could understand the danger you are in.”

“Jacob will not hurt me. This I know.”

Levi grabbed her by the arms, pulled her toward him so that their hearts were but a beat apart. She raised up on her tiptoes. His gaze bore into her. “Didn't you hear what Roc said? Jacob is not who you believe he is. How can you know how he will react? He is an animal.”

“You don't know that!” She jerked back until his fingers released her.

He pulled away then, stared at his hands as if surprised by his own actions, and then he rubbed them against his chest. “Hannah, we're talking about
my
brother. Do you think I would make that claim lightly? Without much prayer and thought?” His tortured features compressed. “He is my
bruder
.” His voice cracked, revealing his heart, the pain and struggle he'd been through. “And yet he is not. Not anymore.”

A long silence separated them and yet at the same time pulled them closer. Finally, she drew a ragged breath. “I will go to him. He will listen to me. He told me it is my choice.”

“But he has ways of convincing you.”

“I understand he”—her voice cracked into shards of brokenness—“he deceived me. He lied to me. Jacob would never have lied.”

“I am not so sure about that.” Levi's statement made Hannah wonder if he had experienced a different side of Jacob than she had. “But you are right, this Akiva has deceived you. And he might yet again.”

She inched closer to him, touched his hand, and felt his fingers fold over hers possessively. “It is as much my fault as Jacob's. I opened my heart…my mind…to him. I missed him so and wanted his return. I allowed this to happen.”

“No,” he whispered, “I allowed this to happen. I should have told you long ago about Jacob. But I didn't think anyone would believe me. This is my fault. My father ran from the truth, but I should have owned up to it. I should have warned the bishops, the district, you. But I promised…”

“What would you have told them or me?”

“I don't know. I don't know if they would have believed me either. My father was probably right about that.”

She slid her hand along his arm and shoulder, noting the slope and strength beneath the cloth and understanding finally the fibers of strength embedded in Levi's character that they needed now to get through this.

“We cannot allow fear to rule our lives.” Levi slid his hands around her waist, holding her next to him in a no-compromise manner. “But that is exactly what I've been doing. I have feared living, loving, losing.”

Tears sprang to her eyes at the truth in his words. “Me too, Levi.” Her fingers tangled with the hair along his neckline. “I too kept my feelings inside out of fear that no one would understand. It kept me isolated. And alone. And vulnerable. But no more. Now we have each other.”

He cupped her face, his thumb brushing over her skin in a light caress. “It's a tool used by a predator, getting a weak animal off from the herd where it is defenseless and more easily killed.
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.
”

Hannah shivered at the implications that Jacob would harm her in such a way.

“Are you all right?” His hands squeezed her waist and she leaned into him, needing his warmth, and yet needing more…needing him.

The seconds pulsed as she relied on his strength, his warmth, and his steadiness. She thought back to that day, so long ago, when she awoke in Jacob's arms. Many times Dat had asked what happened when she almost drowned and she never could remember. It was as if her memory had been wiped away like the chalkboards in school, the images smudged and smeared, blurry and unrecognizable. “Levi?”

His arms tightened around her, as if he refused to release her.

“What happened…that day I almost drowned?”

He smoothed a hand along the side of her face and lifted her chin until her gaze met his. His fingers followed the curve of her cheek, along her neck, and settled at her shoulder where he fiddled with the tie of her prayer
kapp
. “What do you remember?”

“Nothing. I don't even remember going to the creek that day. I've tried. Really I have.”

He nodded. “All we could figure out was that you slipped on the rocks and hit your head. Jacob and I had gone there to fish, because it was a beautiful day, perfect for catching fish. As I crested the hill I saw you floating face down. Of course I didn't know it was you.

“I hollered out for Jacob to get help.” His jaw tightened and his gaze drifted away, as if seeing it in his mind's eye again. “I ran down to the creek and jumped in. I should have taken off my coat or shoes first because they weighed me down, but I reckon I wasn't thinking clearly. And of course the water filled my shoes, tugged on my coat, and made pulling you out twice as hard. I got you to the bank but the mud pulled at me, trapped my feet. Jacob took you from my arms.” His voice stretched and cracked on those words as if he feared the same thing would happen again.

He drew a slow, shuddering breath. “It took me a few minutes to strip off my coat and shoes and join Jacob on the bank. You were lying on the grass. Not breathing.”

She felt her breath trapped in her lungs then, as she listened to Levi's side of the story and imagined it so differently than the way Jacob had described it. “And Jacob,” she ventured, “what was he doing?”

“Panicking. He didn't know what to do. Finding a girl in the creek, unconscious and not breathing is not something we came across every day. He feared you were already dead. And I have to admit, you looked that way—all pale and still.”

She sensed Levi was trying to protect Jacob in a way. Even with all they were facing, turning his back on his brother, divulging the truth, was not easy. “But you didn't think so?”

“I wasn't sure.”

When he grew silent, Hannah pushed him with, “What did you do, Levi?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “If you were alive still, then I knew time was critical. But Jacob was…”

She waited, watched Levi's lips twist as if trying to figure out the best way to say it. Finally she offered a suggestion. “Not helping?”

“More in the way,” he rephrased her words. “I shoved him aside. Sent him to get help, but I'm not sure he did. He was frozen, unable to move, but I wasn't aware of anything but you. And trying to get you breathing. I was terrified. Scared I would cause you more harm than good, frightened I didn't really know what to do. But I remembered when my father helped birth a colt and it wasn't breathing, and he had to take action to help it. So I turned you on your side, pounded your back, pushed against your chest, tipped your head back, and gave you my breath.”

His words made her tremble.

His blue eyes darkened to the color of the sky at dusk. “All the while I was praying. Praying God would save you.”

Those words told her what she needed to know. Jacob had never said that in his tale of her rescue; he'd always given himself the credit. But Levi was different; Levi could be trusted. She rested a hand against his heart, felt the rapid beat pumping hard against her palm. “And the good Lord did. You did.

“When you coughed and spit out water, I fell away, exhausted, trying to catch my own breath. And Jacob scooped you up and cradled you in his arms.”

“And that's my first memory.”
Jacob.
But as she peered into that long ago moment and examined it, she remembered Jacob's hair was dry, as were most of his clothes. How then could he have pulled her from the creek? “All this time…I believed…” She lifted her chin toward Levi. “I wish I had known the truth.”

“So do I.”

But it wasn't in Levi to brag about his actions, and so he hadn't said anything. Hannah raised up on tiptoes, angled her mouth toward Levi's, and whispered, “Thank you, Levi.”

He closed the gap, pressed his lips to hers. The textures brushed and blended, folded over each other, and swept away any doubts. It was Levi: Levi who loved her, Levi who held her, protected her, cherished her. He could be counted on. He was dependable. And she clung to him now.

When he pulled back, only an inch away, his breath and her own still mingling and crystallizing in the cold night air, he whispered, “I love you, Hannah Schmidt. I have for a long while now.”

“I know.” Her heart fluttered and raced, the beats growing stronger and more sure. “And I love you, Levi Fisher.”

His eyes contracted. “Do you love me because I saved you?”

“I love you because you are the best man I have ever known. I love you because you never gave up on me. I love you because that's all I know to do. Because you are willing to risk everything. To save me from the creek. And to save me now.” She smoothed her hand along his chest and shoulder, luxuriating in the solidness of him, the sturdiness of him, his faith.

And he kissed her again, his arms tightening, banding around her waist, holding her as if he would not let go. Breathless and full of hope, she felt herself respond to his kiss in ways she'd only imagined.

But before anything went further than it should, he set her firmly back on her own feet, inching them apart, his pupils dilated, his breath harsh, his chest hot to the touch, and she knew what she must do. No longer were there shadows of doubt or dark areas of resistance in her heart. Her path was clear, a light of truth leading the way. She didn't believe Jacob would harm her. But would he hurt Levi? She'd seen the way Akiva had responded when she'd spoken Levi's name. She hadn't understood then but she did now.

“Let me take you away from here, Hannah.”

“And go where, Levi? How far would we have to run? Would
he
follow?” She shook her head. “No. We must face this fear. We cannot outrun it.”

His nostrils flared slightly and his jaw set. “Then I will go. I will tell Jacob—”

“No.” Her tone was stronger than she felt. “You do not have to risk anything else, Levi. I will go to Jacob—Akiva—and tell him I have chosen another.
You
. This life. Not his.”

“You can't go alone.”

“But it is my problem—”

“Our problem,” he corrected.

“I allowed it, and I must stop it now.”

A frown tugged his brows downward. “How will Jacob react?”

“He will not be happy but he will go away. He's given me a choice and he will honor it.”

“I am not so sure.”

“I am.” She smoothed her hand over Levi's chest in an effort to calm his heart, his questions, his doubts. “Jacob will accept my choice since he never had one. He cannot help what he is, or what he has become. It was not his choice.”

“It is always a choice, Hannah. Always.”

She stared at her hand, solidly against his chest, and he covered it with his own. He was right. She'd made small, seemingly inconsequential choices, choices in the dark of night and secrecy of her own bedroom, choices that had allowed this problem. Maybe Jacob had invited the trouble too. What did Mamm always say? “Don't go looking for trouble or you'll surely find it.” Jacob had found trouble. As she had. And he had brought that trouble to Promise. “This,” she said firmly, “is my choice now.

“I could not bear it if something happened to you. Jacob will not hurt me. But you—” She couldn't tell him of the hate she'd seen in Akiva's eyes when aimed at Levi.

“Roc believes—”

“Roc is but an
Englisher
. What does he know of this? Of us?”

“He understands what Jacob has become better than we do.” Levi bracketed her shoulders. “Jacob must be destroyed. And Roc will help us.”