Forgiven (22 page)

“Well…” He laughed, but he was buying time. “It’s a long story,.”

Ashley looked straight ahead and motioned to the next street. “Turn left here.”

He did as she asked. If he was going to survive the conversation, he had to take the lead. “How long have you lived here? in Bloomington?”

“All my life.” She let her head fall back against the headrest. “I spent a little time in Paris, but otherwise, I’ve been right here.”

“Are you married?” Dayne knew that she was. The private investigator had found out that much—he had five siblings, and the last of them to marry was Ashley.

Her wedding took place the previous summer, just before his visit to Bloomington.

“I am.” She angled herself so she could see him better. “We have a little boy, Cole. He’s the love of our lives.”

The ache grew. “You’re lucky.” He refused the emotions that surged in his heart.

“Family is important.”

She was quiet for a minute, telling him to take another left and then a right.

When they finally pulled up in front of her modest 179

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house, she seemed in no hurry to get out. She folded her hands in her lap and sized him up. “Dayne… I know who you are.”

He wasn’t sure what to do next. Should he pretend he hadn’t heard her? tell her he had places to go and that he couldn’t talk? Looking at her was like seeing a part of himself in the mirror. She looked like Luke, and Luke looked like him.

But he hadn’t thought it would be so obvious to her.

Maybe John Baxter had told all the kids the truthmthat they had an older brother and that he might come looking for them someday. Or maybe she’d spotted him last year at the hospital, after all. Maybe Elizabeth had told them about meeting him. In that moment the last thing on his mind was the fact that he was a Hollywood movie star. He was Ashley Baxter Blake’s brother, and she knew it just the same as he did.

In that case.., in that case he was about to become part of the Baxter family whether it was the smart thing or not. He shook his head, his eyes wide, unblinking. “What… what do you mean?”

She smiled and patted his hand. “I know you’re Dayne Matthews.”

Just like that the moment changed. He realized he’d been holding his breath, and now he exhaled, consumed by relief and regret in equal amounts. She was waiting for him to say something, so he chuckled and gave her a slight nod. “Katy told you, didn’t she?”

“She told me about last summer.” Ashley watched him. “When I saw you back there, I knew. I read the papers. I know you’re supposed to be in town next week.”

“So…” He lifted his hands and let them drop again. Who cared if she knew he was Dayne Matthews? He had thought she meant the other part, the fact that he was her brother. If she didn’t know that … then, well, maybe she never would. He grinned, but he felt empty, defeated. “Thanks for not saying anything back there.”

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“No problem.” Ashley hesitated. “I guess things will be differ ent for you next week when the filming begins.”

“A lot different.” Inside, a part of him screamed to tell her the truth. I’m your brother, Ashley. We have the same parents! But he squashed his feelings and smiled. “That’s why tonight was so special.”

“I won’t say anything.” She smiled at him again, opened the car door, and climbed out. She ducked to look through the win dow. “Thanks for the ride, Dayne. It was nice meeting you.”

“Nice meeting you too…” His last words were still dying on his lips as she turned and walked up the sidewalk and through the front door of the house where she and her husband lived with the little boy they loved. Cole, right? Wasn’t that his name? The boy would be his nephew, a child Dayne would never meet, never know.

His eyes blurred. The film crew would arrive in Bloomington on Monday, and after that he wouldn’t have another moment like this, another chance to sit beside his sister and tell her the truth about who he was. If he couldn’t do it now, if he wouldn’t do it now, then he never would. He had promised himself he’d do everything in his power to keep the Baxters out of the lime light, but now.., letting Ashley walk inside without telling her .. it was one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

He looked at her house as he pulled away. He couldn’t help but think of something sad, something that made the ache inside him worse than ever. The time he’d just shared with his sister might be the only time he’d ever share with her. As long as they both lived.

In fact, it was possible he’d never see her again.

And that was the saddest thing of all.

181

RAIN WAS IN THE FORECAST AGAIN, but the morning was clear and cool. John Baxter had picked up Elaine Denning at six o’clock this morning for a second trip to the farmers’ market. He had enjoyed the squash and tomatoes, for sure. But he still had some left. If he was honest with himself, his reason for agreeing to go this time was less about the vegetables than it was about spending time with a friend. And Elaine was turning into an important friend with every passing day.

They’d talked on the phone several times this week, working past the formalities and shallow conversations to a place of talk ing about their children and their loneliness. “Sometimes,” Elaine had told him last night, “I can’t believe God took my hus band from me. I almost want to be mad at Him.”

“I know.” John had closed his eyes, not wanting to admit the truth about the matter. “My kids all think I’m strong, that I’m a rock living here by myself, able to carry on in every area that once belonged to Elizabeth. But most of the time I feel like lying down and never getting up, as if when God took her, He cut my legs out from under me.”

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Conversations like that one had worked a closeness between them. John had enough alone time to examine his feelings, and what he felt for Elaine was nothing more than companionship. Elaine was his friend. Neither of them was looking for love to re place what they’d had with their spouse. He could live the rest of his days looking, and he’d never find what he had shared with Elizabeth.

Still, the kids were grown and busy with their families. Hav ing a friend was a good thing, and today he felt fresh and alive as he walked beside Elaine down the aisles of the market. Even so, something bothered him. Over and over, Elaine had commented on his honesty, how rare it was to find a man of his integrity.

And each time she said that, he wanted to tell her she was wrong.

He was hiding the fact that he had six children. Hiding it from his family and his coworkers and now from her. The more time that passed, the more John thought about it, and today he was determined. It was time to tell someone, and Elaine was the clos est friend he had outside of his relationships with his kids.

They bought coffee and a few baskets of blueberries and sat at a picnic table a little ways from the chaos of the market. John breathed in the morning air and smiled at her. “I still need my squash and tomatoes.”

“You do.” She picked at the blueberries and popped a few in her mouth. Then she waggled her finger at him. “They’re good for you. Everyone should come here Saturday morning.”

Something about her comment made him sad. It was what Elizabeth would’ve said.

Fresh fruit, vegetables—they were the stuff she always tried to feed him and the kids as they were rais ing their family. It had only been in the past year that he’d gotten away from buying fresh foods. Frozen dinners and fast food were easier than cooking for himself.

He took a sip of his coffee and smiled at her. “I felt healthier this past week than I have in months.” “Good.” She took a few more berries and chewed them 183

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slowly. “I’m glad the week’s over. I couldn’t stand another sad story about CKT

in the papers.”

“It was hard. Ashley went to the funeral. She said it was a celebration, but still it was one of the hardest days she’s had.” He leaned on the picnic table and watched a family passing by. The four children tugged on their parents, running ahead and skipping with glee over the prospect of being out at the marketplace. He narrowed his eyes, and for a moment the family was his, he and Elizabeth and their five kids ….

Only he didn’t have five kids, did he?

“Elaine—” he switched his attention to her—”I have to tell you something.

Something I’ve wanted to say for a few days now.”

Her expression changed. “If it’s about this … about being with me, then I understand.” She shook her head. “I don’t want you to feel funny about coming out with me like this or—”

“Elaine.” He leaned closer, hoping that his eyes were as tender as his voice.

“I’m enjoying my time with you. That’s not what I want to talk about.”

“Oh.” She laughed, and her cheeks grew a shade redder. “I just.., well, I don’t want you to feel awkward.”

“I need friends. You do too.” He sat up straighter. “Nothing awkward about that.”

“Okay, good.” She stirred her coffee. “What did you want to talk about?”

He exhaled, amazed at himself. All those years and he and Elizabeth never told anyone, not even Pastor Mark. But now, he wanted someone to know. He wanted Elaine to hear the story. He couldn’t have her thinking that he was a man of integrity, telling the truth all the time, if he couldn’t be straight about this. But there was more to it than that. He wanted her opinion, her feedback.

Because Elizabeth’s letters still sat on the top shelf of his closet, and he still wondered about what to tell the kids.

Without someone to talk to, he wasn’t sure what to do. He 184 A pair of blue jays hopped close to the table, then flew away ‘, between two nearby maple trees.

Elaine uttered a confused laugh. “John, what do you meani He looked down for a moment and then forced himself toll make eye contact with her. “We had six.” He paused, giving her time for the truth to sink in. “Elizabeth got pregnant when we were dating. We weren’t that young, really. But her parents wouldn’t consider letting her keep the baby. She was unmarried and pregnant, so they sent her away.”

Across from him, Elaine’s mouth hung open. “You’re serious.”

“Yes.” He felt better already, just being able to talk about it. “Her parents knew, but mine didn’t. We never told anyone else, not through all the years of marriage and raising children. Our other kids have no idea.”

“Elizabeth gave the baby up for adoption—is that what you’re saying?”

“She had no choice.” He wrapped his fingers around his warm cup and squinted against the morning sunlight. The noise of the farmers’ market faded into the background. “The baby was a boy. Our firstborn son.” He watched her reaction, looking for shock or judgment. There was none. “When Elizabeth was sick with cancer the first time, we tried to find him.” He worked the muscles in his jaw, the disappointment over that time still raw. “The records were sealed. We got nowhere.”

“Wow.” Elaine set her coffee down and stared at him, her eyes full of amazement.

“Elizabeth and I spent all those hours together, working with cancer patients, visiting them. I never knew.”

“That was our promise.” A brilliant red leaf drifted down and landed on the table beside him. The trees all around were beginning to turn colors, bright reds and pretty yellows. He dusted the

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leaf onto the ground. “We would go years not talking about it even with each other. Most of the time we tried to believe we’d never had him. But when the cancer came back–” he glanced at his wedding ring—”finding our firstborn son was the most important thing in the world to Elizabeth.”

A shadow fell over Elaine’s face. “You didn’t find him?” “No.” John’s heart hurt, remembering those final days with Elizabeth. “She kept praying, believing God would let her meet him before she died. She wanted it so badly that right at the end she actually convinced herself it had happened. She was.., she was delusional, fading away a little more with every hour. But in her mind, he’d found her; he’d walked into her hospital room and told her he understood why she’d given him up.” He breathed in through his nose, willing himself not to let the memories get to him.

“So, she had peace.” Elaine’s voice was clear and kind. “God in all His mercy gave her that. I think it’s wonderful.”

“That’s what I told myself. Never mind that it wasn’t true. At least she thought it was. It’s like you said. The delusion allowed her to die at peace with all of us.”

“Did the other kids.., did they wonder what she was talking about?”

“No. They weren’t in the room when we had the conversation. We’d just returned from dinner, and they were visiting in the hall, giving us a few minutes together before coming in.” He hesitated, wishing he could go back to that moment once more. “Everyone knew they were her final hours.”

“And—” Elaine lowered her voice, looking to the distant places of his soul—”why are you telling me?”

He took another drink of his coffee. “You keep saying how honest I am, how I’m a man of integrity.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I guess I wanted it to be true.”

She watched him for a moment, and then she shook her head. “No, John. That’s not why you told me.”

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He chuckled and popped a few blueberries into his mouth. “Okay, then why did I tell you?”

“Because you don’t have closure.” She angled her head, her smile as genuine as the fall morning. “You don’t, do you?”

“No.” He sighed. He watched a squirrel grab hold of a nut and race up the side of one of the distant maples. His eyes found hers again. “No, I don’t have closure.”

“Elizabeth wanted to find him, and she didn’t. Now it’s up to you.”

“That’s just it.” John swished the coffee around in his cup. “I can’t look for him without telling the others. And Elizabeth and I were always set on not telling them. Not giving them a reason to spend a lifetime wondering, the way we had done.”

Elaine agreed. “I see that.” A group of older kids jogged by on the sidewalk.

Their shirts all read Clear Creek Cross-Country. Elaine waited until they were gone. “What would Elizabeth

want now? now that she’s gone and he was never really found?” “That’s what I don’t know.”