Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved (33 page)

And now—the same haunted, hollow look he’d just seen from his father, after Dane confessed to him that he knew about him and his whore. The woman he went around town with, hand in hand, laughing their cares away while he and his brothers and sister were collecting foreclosure notices and burning them in the fireplace for heat.

Then, there was Anthony, who simply floated through life, detached from reality, just like their mother, but he was the sanest of them all, despite his four leaf clovers and grungy music. Nevertheless, he was a walking liability, and had no clue of the truth of the situation, nor a shared desire to be taught. The family was a stack of cards, and something from up above had blown the whole damn thing down.

All the lies became too much, and the occasional nipping turned into an all-out alcohol induced stupefied love affair. The bottle became his best friend, and he loved it so as the liquid fire slid down his parched throat, sometimes straight from the glass bottle. The alcohol promised to make all the secrets go away, to make the dark thoughts dissipate in his head—so he surrendered to it. Let it slowly destroy him.

Then his saving grace arrived, and he was saved. He owed God...God that loved him in spite of himself, and so, it was written—Bible passages, strange dreams, a willingness to let go and transcend the flesh, to become holy...

He could help others; pour some of that energy into something positive, wrap it in the soiled cloth that covered Jesus’ beaten and bloodied body, nail it to the cross, sacrifice the pain and trade it in for something bigger, brighter and better. Oh yes, you could sell sins to the lowest bidder, you could sell the sins of others, take on their pain, let it ride on your broad back until it broke you down into nothing but ashes, and not only on Wednesdays...

Shhhh....don’t say a word, don’t cry, don’t scream...simply help. Help and help and help, until you can’t help anymore, and then, help again, any ol’ how. Every face that turned his way, needed him. A prayer, a kind word, a donation...Help us Fr. Caruso! Help us, please! The voices grew louder and louder until he’d scream and gnash his teeth, praying for God to wipe it out, like a memory that was never meant to be. But instead, it only got worse...

The loneliness crept in on its tippy toes, stole him away as if he were a rare jewel, stole him from his declaration, his promise. It had little to do with sex; it all had to do with love. For the past year, he’d kept it at bay, and then God drove the final nail in his hand—he took Josh away, his only slither of sanity, the one person he could depend on, the man that he’d emptied all of his pain into, confessed, and felt clean, whole and pure again. Did the secrets sleep with a corpse? No, they rose from the grave and came after Dane, telling him that he must take them back, let them live inside of his heart and consume him while his heart still beat. They’d returned for their pound of flesh, because he owed them. Yet, all of that did nothing but kill him inside, crush him under their weight.

Because in the end, no one was happy, still. However, it was also understood that if he let the secrets fly free, that everyone would be unhappy. How can you go from ten to one, when you are already at negative ground zero?

Shhhh....don’t tell, Mom got rid of her baby, the oldest sibling of them all...

Shhh....don’t tell, Joseph sold drugs and liked it...and he took a few too....

Shhh... don’t tell, you are an alcoholic, Dane...

Shhh....don’t tell, Dad is screwing another woman and doesn’t give a crap about his family of five nor his damn self.

Shhh....don’t tell, Daisy is a lesbian and would rather be unhappy and live a lie than let anyone find out the hard, honest truth.

Shhh....don’t tell, because you promised...you promised us, Dane...

He was trying to keep alive a dying ogre, a demon that demanded he give it CPR, every morning,
noon and night. He hated how it smelled and begged and threatened, but he’d promised...he promised to make it all right, to make it all better. So he slept with the beast, so that no one else would have to...

Dane was the protector, and that is what protectors do...but now, something had happened. He’d fallen in love, and he would be damned if he was going to continue to carry the burdens of others, leaving no room for Rhapsody in his heart. Things had gotten so crowded, he was suffocating. He wanted to offer her a mortgage there, deep inside him, and thus, he was prepared to swiftly issue an eviction to the demon that refused to budge. He picked up his crucifix and prepared to slay the ghastly vampire of secrets that had feasted on him for far too long, plunging it deeply into the heart of the creature. He heard the monster cry out, but its pain did nothing but please him as it fell helplessly, moaning, clawing on the disturbed ground of
Calvary...

He held his mother’s hand tightly as they sat there, emotions running high. The sun begun to set, giving one final show of lights. Filtering rays flickered through the trees, casting shadows along the lawn, beaming in front of them politely, bowing her heavenly golden head before closing her eyes for the evening.

“So...who is she?” her voice broke the silence, but barely.

“A singer, musician...a beautiful person.”

A woman walked her dog down the street while Dane stared at the lady that gave birth to him, taking note of her laughter lines, and the beautiful eyes that were now swollen with tears.

She smiled. “So, you really love her?”

“Almost more than life itself...”

A brief pause.

“Okay.” His mother laughed nervously and slowly turned toward him. “Okay,” she repeated, smiling wider, another fat tear rolling down her tanned cheek. “So, my son, the priest, is in love...” She shook her head, still obviously trying to process it all.

“I...want you to be happy.” Her voice quaked, but this time, Dane knew she meant the words. She grabbed him around the neck, bringing him down to her to embrace him like she needed it for her very survival. Something changed then, an understanding between them.

The woman knew what it felt like to be in love—whether it was with a bad boy next door, who was too young to handle the responsibility of being a new father, or falling in love with a blue collar guy named Tony, who worshipped the ground she walked on, so much so, he took her father’s abusive words throughout the years, that he was no good for his daughter. So when he failed, he was afraid, and ran from her, too—the one woman he’d tried to always protect. It didn’t make sense, it hurt, but affairs of the heart are often not black and white. Things happen, people change...mistakes are made, but Dane understood now that running from the past never made the present a gift or the future brighter.

He kissed his mother’s cheek and lightly laughed. “We can close our eyes, Mom, to all the things we don’t want to see, that
none of us
wanted to see, but we can’t close our heart to the things we don’t want to feel...”

Several hours later...

Rhapsody kicked her feet up on the pillow she’d tossed at the bottom of the bed as she watched the small flat screen television in her bedroom. She pushed the bread pieces around on her saucer before casting it all to the side. She’d devoured the grilled cheese sandwich, but the half bowl of tomato soup had grown cold. The phone rang...

“I want to see you.” His smooth voice came through the line, surprising her. She figured it wasn’t him as she hadn’t recognized the digits, and thought possibly it was a wrong number. Normally, she wouldn’t have answered at all, but she was in a generous mood.

“Dane, you need to stop.” She looked at the time. “It’s a little late. Besides, you stood me up and didn’t bother to call.”

“I know. I had a bit of a family emergency. You know I wouldn’t do that without good reason. I’m the one that is always early, you are the one running late.” He laughed.

She grinned. He was right. “Hmmm, everything okay?”

“Not completely, but it will be. I need to talk to you.” His breathing was deep and labored, as if he were trying to calm down and rest after a vigorous jog. Running her fingers along the spaghetti strap of her white nightgown, she thought about his proposal.

“I won’t stay long,” he assured.

“Oh.” She sighed. “Okay. I have to go to work early tomorrow so...”

“I’ll be in and out.”

She fought the sexual thoughts that tried to twist his words into something she could chew on, and just smiled.

“Okay, see you in a bit...”

~***~

Dane stepped out of the shower and pulled on a black shirt, followed by boxers and faded jeans. Freshly clean shaven, he winced as he splashed on a little cologne. He looked at the clock—it
was
late. He didn’t even bother to check after he’d spoken to his parents in detail regarding his vocational plans and called her from their house immediately afterward. The evening was tense, but it ended with a family embrace and an earnest attempt at understanding.

Before long, he was standing outside Rhapsody’s door. He rang the bell and waited impatiently, his foot tapping and his hands on his waist.

What is taking so long?

A light turned on inside, and he saw movement through the front window. He walked closer to look inside, his nerves getting the best of him. The sheer curtains were layered, so he peered harder, cupping his hands around his eyes as he leaned into the window. A figure, long and lean, approached the door and he quickly stood at attention, pretending he’d not just been a peeping Tom. She opened the door and stood there, looking stunning, her thick black hair hanging about her shoulders and her prominent cheekbones glistening as if gold dust had settled upon her magnificent face. Her bottom lip, full and shiny, drew his gaze, made him long to kiss her. He smiled down at her, and she cracked a grin, then a laugh, as he presented her with a large bouquet of purple and white ombre orchids.

“Oh my goodness.” She smelled the flowers, inhaling deep, pleasure on her face. “They are beautiful and smell so good. Come on in.” As she moved out of the way, her silky white gown moved over the curves of her body. He walked in, shooting her long shapely legs a look out the corner of his eye. He sighed, rubbed his hands together and smiled at her, not even sure where to begin.

“Why do you seem ever taller now?” She laughed as she closed and locked the door behind them.

“Because you have on no shoes.” He casually glanced down at her bare feet, then back up at her face, swallowing.

Such perfect feet.

She pointed to the couch. “Come on and have a seat.”

Rather than take her cue, though, he took her into his arms and kissed her softly, quickly, then again, a lingering kiss—and again, soft kisses, over and over, until her breathing accelerated. Only then did he take her by the hand to a chair, where he sat and pulled her on his lap.

He leaned back and closed his eyes.

“Dane, what’s wrong?” she asked after a few quiet seconds.

He slowly opened his eyes and ran his hand over his hair, messing it up, bringing it toward his face. It had been a long, emotionally exhausting day, but he needed to do this. The time was now.

“Baby, I need to talk to you about some things,” he said, and felt her stiffen. “I’ve—”

“Well, the last few days, you’ve been acting strange...” She slid off his lap, leaving him by his lonesome.

“Rhapsody, I know. I had a lot of things on my mind, and I was trying to sort it all out. Look, I need you to just listen to me for a moment,” he said, “and once I’m finished, ask all the questions you want, okay? This is a discussion, but first, I need to get it all out.”

She seemed to relax. He hated to admit it, but it pleased him that she, too, feared he could disappear, that the threat was very much real. Though she didn’t say it, her eyes let him know. She’d played it so cool for so long, and all of that was finally over. Reaching out, he gently grabbed her and made her claim her original position on his lap.

“I’m leaving the priesthood.”

Their eyes locked. Then, as if they were in some old, black and white horror movie with Vincent Price making a grand announcement, a strike of lightning lit up the room, and soon, soft rain began to hit the windows, just like earlier in the day. The rain was back. They looked at each other and laughed at the irony.

“Uh, when…” She stopped and cleared her throat. “When did you come to this decision?” she asked, her voice soft and low, as if she were afraid she may wake someone sleeping in the next room.

He ran his hand slowly up and down her back, resisting the urge to kiss her again. “When I realized I couldn’t live without you... Since the church will make me choose, well,” he looked away, a slight bit of sadness stabbing at his chest, “then I choose
you
...”

He didn’t miss the way her face brightened. Leaning a bit forward, she ran her hand along the bottom of her foot, massaging it gently.

“I am going to request a meeting. I already gave a written heads up, without saying what it entailed as I want to get my affairs in order first. So this will take a little while, but I let the bishop know I needed a moment with him.”