Forgive Me Father For I Have Loved (13 page)

“Hello...”

“Hey lady, it’s Tyra. What are you up to? Lauren said you were sick.”

“Yeah.” Rhapsody sighed in resignation. “My throat has been bothering me the past few days. I am much better now though. Thanks.”

Tyra was Rhapsody’s friend from the Thursday night class she taught. The woman, only a year Rhapsody’s junior, had some pipes on her that Rhapsody couldn’t believe. With just a little training, she knew Tyra was destined for greatness. They hit it off immediately, their relationship graduating from teacher and student, to the best of buddies.

“Well, that’s good. I missed you in class today, but you have to take care of yourself. We can’t have our favorite teacher being speechless,” she joked.

“Like that would ever happen. When have you known me to mince words or not be able to say anything at all to you guys?” Rhapsody laughed as she leaned back on the bed, looking up at her ceiling.

“True! So, do you want me to stop by or anything? I make some superb chicken noodle soup...straight from the can. No one knows their way around a microwave like I do.” This caused a painful burst of laughter. Rhapsody rubbed her sore throat.

“That is nice of you...but you just enjoy your evening. I’ll see you in a couple of days. Promise.”

“Okay, that’s a deal. Make sure you get plenty of water and rest.”

“I will, thanks... Hey, before you go, can I ask you something, Tyra?”

“Of course, what’s going on?”

Rhapsody sat back up and swallowed. All she could think about was how she needed someone to talk to, someone she could trust to utter the words that were growing in her heart.

“Have you ever had a crush on someone, that you shouldn’t have?”

“Hmmm, what do you mean exactly?”

“Like...a guy that maybe had a girlfriend, or he lived in another country and you both knew neither would be moving, so it made things difficult.”

“Oh yes!” Tyra laughed on the other end. “It has happened more times than I’d like to admit, but yes...why? Are you feeling someone?” Rhapsody could hear a smile in the woman’s voice.

“Well, a little bit. It’s complicated, but yeah.”

“I knew you were hiding something, Rhapsody. Even though I’ve only known you a little over a year, I feel like I know you pretty well. You’re good people.”

“Awww, thanks Tyra. I feel the same way about you, too.”

“Before, you’d hang around with us after class, but now, you rush off, like you have plans but you never say what they are. I suspected you had a boyfriend.” She giggled. “So, why is this complicated?”

“Well,” Rhapsody bit her nail, gnawing the thing to bits as she rocked on her bed, “he isn’t really...actually
allowed
to date. We are only friends.”

“What do you mean he isn’t
allowed
to date? Is he a minor?” Tyra joked. “Jail bait, girl!”

“No, no,” Rhapsody grinned, “Nothing like that. I’m saying, we are only friends and it can’t go any further than that. He isn’t with anyone else or anything like that, but, it just…” She sighed. “He can’t date me and I don’t know,” she said, huffing, “all of this might just be in my mind. I mean, we are only friends and I might be making this into something that it’s not. Tomorrow, I could feel totally different.”

“Well, then, it sounds just like an innocent crush to me, if you think you could feel differently that fast. There’s nothing wrong with finding a friend charming. So, how long have you known him?”

“Well, that’s another piece of the puzzle. I’ve actually known him for years—well, knew
of
him. He went to my high school and then we ran into each other again and have been speaking ever since.”

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Those are the best kinds of love affairs, Rhapsody.”

“You’re making me edgy, don’t call it that!” Rhapsody laughed nervously. “We’re just friends...”

“Yeah, well, when you have known someone for years and then you run into them again, that is a good way to make some sparks fly. It’s like...destiny,” Tyra said, with vivacity in her tone. “The longest and best relationship I ever had, Rhapsody, was with my ex-boyfriend, Jonas. That’s what happened to us. We went to high school, never dated, then met up again after college and were together for five years. The only reason it ended was because his son’s mother kept interfering and he was afraid to lose visitation...vindictive, horrible woman. I didn’t want him to have choose between me and his child. But anyway, those are the best ones...”

Rhapsody rolled over in her mind what Tyra said. The words
did
ring true.

“Well, thanks, Tyra. I believe I’m just thinking too much. He is a great friend, and I’m fine with that. I’m sure my little crush will wane, just like the one I had on El Debarge and L.L. Cool J.”

“I need looooove!” Tyra crooned the hook of one of L.L.’s songs.” Okay girl,” Tyra added, laughing. “If you need to talk again, let me know, okay?”

“Thanks Tyra, I will. Good night.” She disconnected the call.

Rhapsody took another sip of her tea. Her entire body trembled. She was unnerved, because she’d just swallowed a lie. She tried to claim the damned thing as true—the false words she’d said—but she knew they weren’t. This crush wasn’t going anywhere, anytime soon. The man was doing something to her and Tyra was right—she’d been rushing away from class, butterflies in her stomach as she’d pulled up to the park, praying he was there. She felt out of control, but she hadn’t done anything inappropriate, although the whole ordeal was always so tempting. She imagined them kissing, wanted to hold him, feel his heartbeat next to hers.

You always do this...chase after men who are emotionally unavailable.

She chastised herself, guilt now consuming her.

It’s like you want your life to implode over and over again...I thought you said you learned from your past?
She continued to speak to herself in third person.
What is wrong with you? Look, he is going through a hard time right now. He doesn’t need this shit and the last thing you need to do is ruin something perfectly sweet by getting all horny, hot and heavy. You know better than this. The man lost his friend, has been depressed, and this is what you try to go and pull...

Begrudgingly, she searched through her phone for his photos and deleted both of them, hoping, with all of her might, that that small gesture would somehow help cool her heated jets. It didn’t.

When she went to sleep that evening, Dane swirled in her mind, enticing a dust storm of lust. But even more disturbing to Rhapsody was the allure and the sweetness...and the purity of it all. It began as a flesh feast, and ended with her heart pounding, reaching out to him, completely in love—and in those sweet images from her colorful imagination, one more facet entered the picture. She was presented with what had evaded her in real life: a simple kiss. Not just
any
kiss, but a kiss from
him
. It was so real, so enchanting, she’d sworn it was genuine when she awoke and found herself wide awake, her fingertips dancing along her tingling bottom lip...

~***~

Dane crossed his arms over his chest, closed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief. That morning, after breakfast with the priests, he told himself that he was not going to the park. He
promised
himself that he would not go, that he would put some space between him and Rhapsody, and not create a situation he’d find he could no longer control. But of course, that would in turn mean admitting that there was a situation to begin with, or even worse, one that needed monitoring and honing in. Honesty was the best policy, especially with oneself. He thought about their last encounter at the park...

She’d bent over and plucked a wild daisy from the grass, placed it behind her ear and continued to walk in one single bound as if she were one with nature. The way that simple gesture moved him, and the feelings that swelled within from the sight, let him know without a doubt that he in fact had a situation on his hands: he was strongly attracted to her. There was no way to deny the magnetism at this point. While he walked beside her, he felt his heartbeat increase and his palms grew moist as his nerves warned him of what was happening within him. He was lost. Still, he felt terrible for how he’d abruptly left, making up an excuse that he was running late, waving goodbye and promising to see her soon. He knew it looked odd to her, but what could he do?

One moment, the woman was sauntering by his side, telling him about her new student, a young nine year old boy, a musical prodigy, then the next, he was practically flying down the walking path, barreling toward his car as if a fire alarm had gone off. He got in his vehicle and drove and drove and drove, his mind in a daze as he gripped the steering wheel and fought himself at each and every turn. But the next day, it was like nothing had happened. He was right back at Mies Park. He’d lied to himself, broken his promise...

He was there anyhow, waiting for her—hoping she’d come and hoping she wouldn’t. But she did, and he sighed with relief, and then with worry. They had their usual small talk, and occasionally, their hands would brush up against one another as they walked so close together. The mere touch of her finger across his sent him into spells of euphoria. Then, they’d part ways, and he’d go back to the rectory, filled with anxiety, yet simultaneously anxious to see her again.

It’s just a phase...

This was what told himself as he re-opened his eyes and moved away from his apartment door, settling on his couch. He could still smell the scent of grass on his clothing from when he sat down with her on a blanket by the water. He’d failed...

Running his hands up and down his face, he sighed, completely exasperated. Finally, he dropped to his knees, and knelt over his bed. It was becoming too much, the temptation too great to control. This made alcohol feel like the easiest thing to kick. But Rhapsody, well, that was an entirely different matter altogether.

“Father, please help me. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m thinking or feeling anymore. I’ve met someone, and I was already confused...” He swallowed. “And now, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t want to do the wrong thing and disappoint you. I need people around me though. It feels good to be around her. I can be myself, but, I feel like…like I’m doing something wrong. I’m afraid to talk to her now, afraid to see her, but I’m more scared of letting her go and not seeing her at all. Please help me; please show me what to do.”

He got to his feet and sat back down on the bed, trying desperately to push away the fleeting images of recent sources of resentment—the passing of Josh, the Sunday School pamphlets, the old man at the nursing home, all of it was eating away at him, festering, making him fight his own self on a daily basis. He just wanted to be happy...

~***~

Two weeks later...

She pumped her legs, and a squeal of childish delight had escaped from between her plush lips. Dane relished the sight, felt alive just by looking at her, but that in itself gave him pause. He couldn’t help drawing inward, in his own thoughts. Despite his repeated prayers, he once again continued to find himself at the park. For the second time, he’d found a way to suddenly excuse himself, and this time, when he returned to the rectory, he stayed in his room the entire evening, praying for forgiveness. Attraction and lust had merged, causing emotions and fantasies that he found reprehensible. Nevertheless, he couldn’t stop the pull, and went there again, searching for her.

Upon his return, he noticed Rhapsody was a bit standoffish. He promptly apologized for his abrupt departure, blaming it on an engagement he’d completely forgotten about. That was a half-truth. He did in fact have to get back to the parish for a meeting, and time had escaped him, but he couldn’t admit that he was running away from her, he simply couldn’t. After more prayer, he’d convinced himself that she was simply a friend, and the fact that she was attractive to him should have no bearing on that.

He relished the here and now, their friendship building and building. He surmised that she was healthy for him. God hadn’t taken her away. He hadn’t made her less beautiful, nor did his need to be around her become any less strong or tantalizing after many days and nights of prayer. In some way, he felt that he had permission, and it gave him a slight sense of a peace, though deep inside he suspected it would be short-lived and he’d have to battle his own conscious once again.

“Ahhhh!”

She giggled, swinging high up in the air. He swung to her left, ignoring her half-hearted requests for him to slow down as they enjoyed a bit of playful competition. “Dane, Father Dane, Dane of Wrath!” she teased, screaming at the top of her lungs. “I thought you were a nice man?!”

Then she winded down, swinging slower and slower when he sat up from his swing, unable to wipe the smirk off his face. Like two children, they’d swung from the steel monkey bars, glided down the short, stiff slide that was entirely too small for either of them and made a mess in the sandbox. She’d complained that she hadn’t gotten her work-out in ages, and he’d complained that he needed to get back to the gym—but neither of them budged. The sun was beaming, the morning was beautiful, and the park hadn’t yet filled up with the weekend crowd.