Forget Me Not (30 page)

‘Patrick,’ I said as I put the exposed frame in the extractor. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’

‘What’s that?’ he asked casually without looking at me. ‘If it’s that you don’t like honey, I already know and have reluctantly come to terms with it.’

‘No. It’s that … Xan’s coming to London.’

For a moment Patrick didn’t reply, apparently engrossed in the uncapping process. ‘For how long?’

‘Two months.’

‘Two
months?
’ he repeated as he turned the frame over.

‘Yes. His posting in Indonesia’s ended …’

‘I see …’

‘So he’s going to work in the newsroom until his next one starts.’

‘Which will be where?’ he said as he picked up another frame.

‘He doesn’t know. But the thing is, he wants to spend time with Milly.’

There was a pause. ‘Of course he does,’ Patrick said calmly. ‘He’s her father.’

‘Which means … he’ll be coming to the house sometimes so … I just wanted to tell you that now, before he arrives.’

‘Well … Thank you for letting me know.’ He began slicing the new frame, keeping his head down as he concentrated on the task, still not meeting my gaze. ‘You’ll have to tell him that we’ll be away in August.’

‘Oh yes,’ I said with a stab of regret. Now I wished I hadn’t committed myself to Cornwall when it would mean that Milly would lose a whole week with her dad.

‘So when does he arrive?’ Patrick asked as he put the finished frame in the extractor.

‘Erm … Tomorrow.’

‘Oh.’ He picked up another frame. ‘So soon.’ He lifted out a dead, sticky bee with a fork. ‘How odd that you’ve taken so long to tell me.’

‘But … I only knew myself a few days ago and I’ve been … busy.’

‘Where will he stay? Not with you, I hope.’

‘Of course not – at his flat in Notting Hill.’

‘Well … I hope you won’t … want to …’ Patrick’s voice trailed away. ‘I think you know what I mean, Anna,’ he added quietly.

‘It’s OK,’ I murmured. ‘I won’t.’ I removed an amputated wing. ‘I don’t know why you think I would.’

‘Because whenever you’ve talked about Xan I can see that you once … loved him.’
Yes! I did!
I suddenly wanted to say. ‘And so,’ Patrick went on, ‘I hope that …’

I shook my head. ‘Our relationship ended a long time ago. Xan’s with someone else – and has been for ages – and I’m with
you
now, Patrick, aren’t I?’

Patrick looked at me for the first time since I’d broached the subject. His eyes were a clear amber, flecked with gold, like the honey. ‘Yes,’ he said softly. ‘You’re with me.’

TWELVE

‘And I thought Jakarta was sweaty,’ Xan breathed as he arrived at the house two days later. He kissed me on the cheek and his stubbled face felt moist. His sky-blue T-shirt had navy stains across the chest and back, like a Rorschach print. ‘London’s not meant to be like this.’

‘I know,’ I said as he followed me down the hall. ‘We’ve all flopped like a bunch of wilting pansies.’ Suddenly Milly came running down the stairs on her sturdy little legs. I’d only told her about Xan’s arrival the day before.

‘Daddy! Iss my
daddy
!’ she shouted exultantly. As she threw up her arms for a hug I remembered her insistence, on her birthday, that Xan
was
coming. I wondered whether, in some preternatural way, she’d known.

‘My little girl,’ he breathed as he scooped her up in his arms. Then he dangled her above him, her legs kicking, their noses touching, both of them laughing. It made me feel elated, but at the same time outraged. Because if Xan had chosen to live with me – or at least stay nearby – then Milly could have cuddled him every day of her life.

‘You’re such a big girl now,’ he exclaimed as he held her close.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I getting bigger.’ She expanded her hands. ‘And bigger and
bigger
!’ She suddenly clapped her palms to Xan’s cheeks, then rubbed his five o’clock shadow with a slightly affronted expression.

‘I think your dad needs a shave,’ I said as Xan carried her down to the kitchen. ‘What would you like?’ I asked him as he put her down. ‘Water? Coke? PG Tips?’ I added with a smile – I wanted to keep things friendly, for Milly’s sake.

‘A Coke, please. Her dress looks sweet.’ I’d put her in one of the batik print dresses that he’d sent her for her birthday.

‘It does.’ I opened the fridge. ‘And it’s cool. So …’ I got out a Coke for Xan and gave Milly her beaker of apple juice. ‘How often will you be coming over?’

‘That’s largely up to you,’ he replied as I handed him a glass, ‘but I’d like to see her at least twice during the week – say on Mondays and Wednesdays, after work. I’ll mostly be on day shifts, finishing at about six. We could play in the park.’

‘We go park now, Dad,’ Milly said, grabbing his hand with both hers and trying to pull him off his chair. ‘Come, Dad!’ she commanded.
‘Come!’

‘Let Daddy have his drink first, darling,’ I said as I handed it to him. ‘He’s very tired. You must be horribly jet-lagged,’ I added.

He nodded blearily. ‘I still can’t get used to it despite all the travelling I’ve done. But I’d like to have some weekend time with Milly too,’ he added. ‘Maybe I could take her swimming.’

‘Yes. Maybe.’ I sat down. ‘Thanks for being so understanding about not bringing your girlfriend here by the way. I just wanted to keep everything …’

‘It’s OK,’ Xan interjected. ‘You don’t have to explain. In any case Trisha isn’t in London.’ Such had been my obsession that it hadn’t occurred to me that she wouldn’t have come with him. ‘In fact’ – he sipped his Coke – ‘we’ve gone our separate ways.’

‘Oh.… I’m sorry,’ I lied as euphoria flooded my veins. ‘I thought you’d be engaged by now.’

He shook his head. ‘She’s a lovely person, but we were growing apart. Then she was made bureau chief for CNN in Japan and I decided that I didn’t want to follow her to Tokyo.’

‘Why not?’ curiosity prompted me to ask.

‘Because the BBC doesn’t keep a correspondent out there, so I would just have been a stringer. Plus Japan isn’t seen as a particularly prestigious posting.’

‘Then why did she go?’

‘Because for her, at thirty, it’s a great break. But I’m forty-one. So I have to make the right career moves otherwise I’ll end up in a backwater.’

‘Where will you go next?’

He opened the fridge. ‘I don’t know. I threw my hat into the ring for Israel,’ he added as he took the ice tray out of the freezer compartment. ‘And Washington.’ He dropped some cubes into his Coke. ‘I’ll have a clearer picture next month.’ He lifted his glass. ‘Cheers, Anna. It’s good to see you again.’ He smiled. ‘You look … well.’

‘Thanks,’ I said, wondering how much of a compliment ‘well’ was. Did ‘well’ mean ‘pretty’, or ‘not too bad for your age’, or ‘nothing special’? Then I wondered why I was wondering when I had Patrick.

‘Xan …’ I had to tell him about Patrick. ‘Xan …’

‘Where’s Milly?’ he suddenly asked.

‘I heard her go upstairs. I’ll call her.’ Then I heard her descending footfall and saw her looking at herself in the big round mirror at the bottom of the stairs.

‘Look, Dad!’ she said as she ran into the kitchen. She’d put on her fairy costume, which now sported green leaves and a liberal sprinkling of dainty blue flowers. ‘Iss for my show!’

‘What show, darling?’ he asked.

‘My in a show.’

‘How lovely. When is it?’ he asked me.

‘Next Thursday. At her nursery school.’

‘I’d like to come.’

‘Oh. But …’

‘Can I come to your show?’ he asked Milly.

‘
Yes
, Dad!’ she shouted. She began to dance on the spot, waving her ‘magic’ wand about. ‘You come to my show!’

‘Is that all right, Anna?’ Xan asked.

He was her father. How could I possibly refuse him – or Milly for that matter?

‘That’ll be … fine,’ I replied.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said to Patrick when I went to see him the following evening. ‘But Milly wants him to be there.’

‘Of course she does,’ he said mildly as I set the table for supper. ‘He’s her father. It’s quite understandable.’

I breathed a sigh of relief at how reasonable he was being. ‘I feel bad about it,’ I added, ‘but I have to put Milly’s feelings before my own.’ I looked at the rows of honey jars, now filled, sealed and labelled, glowing in the sunlight.

‘Of course you do,’ Patrick agreed.

‘And it would be awkward if you were both there.’

‘Extremely awkward.’ He tossed the salad. ‘There’d be gossip.’

‘Anyway I’m really sorry,’ I repeated. ‘I hate standing you down like this but I don’t see what else I can do.’

‘It’s quite OK.’

‘And you see I …’

He banged down the bowl. ‘I’ve
said
I won’t come so can we just drop it?’ I stared at him. ‘I’m … sorry,’ he said quietly. He leaned against the sink. ‘It’s just that I feel … so …’

‘It’s … OK,’ I murmured. Xan’s arrival had made him feel threatened and hurt. ‘I won’t mention it again.’

He got a bottle of wine out of the fridge. ‘Does Xan actually know about me, Anna?’

‘Well …’

He looked at me in dismay. ‘You mean you haven’t told him yet?’

‘No.’

He shook his head in bewilderment. ‘Why not? He’s been here for three days.’

‘Well, one thing at a time. It’s a little awkward.’

‘Why? All you have to say is “I have a boyfriend now, Xan. His name’s Patrick. It’s serious.”’

‘I will tell him that. Tomorrow.’

‘Please do.’ He filled my glass. ‘And when will he be seeing Milly?’

‘He’ll come on Mondays, Wednesdays and Sundays for a couple of hours each time. So you and I can work around that,’ I added with more optimism than I felt. ‘OK?’

Patrick didn’t reply.

To begin with, Xan stuck to the designated times. He’d turn up at six, when Luisa went off duty; then he’d play with Milly in the house. If he took her to the park she’d invariably want me to come along as well. Her happiness at seeing us together pierced my heart.

‘My mummy and my
daddy
,’ she’d say, looking from one to the other of us as she walked along between us, gripping one of our hands in each of hers.

‘How’s it all going?’ Jenny asked me over the phone a couple of days later.

‘It’s … OK … although … Actually, Jen, it
isn’t
OK. It’s very awkward.’

‘Already? What’s the problem?’

‘The problem is … that I feel reluctant to invite Patrick round while Xan’s in London. I haven’t said this to him, but I think it would confuse Milly.’

‘It might well,’ she agreed. ‘You don’t want to have Xan in the house one day, then Patrick the next.’

I sank on to a chair. ‘That’s just what I mean. It would feel strange and somehow tasteless, as though I’m juggling two men.’ Which in a way I was, I reflected ruefully.

‘Would you consider letting Xan take Milly to his flat?’

‘I’d rather he didn’t. It’s much easier for him to play with her at my house because all her toys and books are here. It also means that I can keep an eye on things. What if there were some choking hazard at his place, or he gave her the wrong thing to eat – she has an egg allergy after all.’

‘Then do what you’re doing. If Patrick loves you he’ll understand and it’ll be a test for him.’

‘Quite a tough one,’ I pointed out.

‘But it’s not for that long.’

‘No, it’s not.’ I felt a sudden dart of regret. ‘That’s true.’

‘Then when Xan leaves you can gradually reintroduce Patrick to Milly,’ I heard Jenny say. ‘But you’ll have to spend time with Patrick if you want to preserve your relationship with him. Plus he’ll need a lot of reassurance.’

‘Yes. Of course,’ I replied distractedly. ‘You’re right.’

I am making a mess of this, I told myself as I got ready to go to Milly’s show on the Thursday morning. I still hadn’t told Xan about Patrick. I didn’t know quite why. I’d had enough opportunities to do so. But I had to grasp the nettle or things would get messy. I got out my mobile and dialled.

‘Hi, Anna,’ Xan said. ‘I’m glad you called. I’m just leaving. Where’s Milly’s school again?’

‘It’s on Brook Green, to the left of the Chinese church. But Xan …’

‘Do I need a ticket?’

‘No. Just say you’re with me.’

‘Ah … if only,’ he said with extravagant regret.

My heart looped the loop at his flirtatious tone. ‘You should be so lucky,’ I teased. ‘But can I just tell you … that … actually, Xan … I do have a boyfriend now. He’s very nice – and he’s sweet with Milly, and he’s a hard-working, decent guy, who loves kids and he’s called –’

‘Jamie,’ Xan interjected in a bored tone. ‘I know.’

‘Jamie?’ I repeated. ‘No. It’s not Jamie. Why did you think that?’

‘Because that’s what Milly said.’

‘What?’

‘I asked her if Mummy had a special friend, who was a man, and she said Jamie.’

‘Oh. Well, I don’t know what you’re doing asking her such an inappropriate question, but I think she’s a little confused. Jamie is my business partner – he builds the gardens I design, so yes, I see a lot of him and he’s great with Milly; but my boyfriend’s name is Patrick.’

‘Ah.’

‘And I need to tell you that Patrick, Milly and I are going to Cornwall for a week in August. We’ll be away from the eighteenth to the twenty-fifth.’

‘Oh,’ Xan said. ‘I see.’ There was a funny little silence. ‘Then I guess I’d better come too.’

‘What? No way!’

‘I don’t want to miss seeing Milly for a whole week, do I?’

‘Xan, you’ve been missing seeing Milly for a whole three years.’

‘But now I have the chance to make up for lost time –
TAXI!
In any case I don’t know how I feel about another man taking my daughter on holiday.’

‘Listen, Xan,’ I hissed, ‘you don’t have much choice. You
left
me, remember? When I was
pregnant
– remember? I’m very happy for you to spend time with Milly, but in the circumstances you can’t be too possessive.’

‘Let’s not fight about it now. I’ll see you at the school in twenty minutes.’