Forever for a Year (37 page)

*   *   *

Alexander Taylor yelled out, “You sure you want to fight?”

Trevor didn't say anything.

Alexander yelled again, “Too scared to say anything, freshman?” His swim team friends laughed.

Trevor still didn't say anything.

Alexander then said, “You don't want to fight. This is a waste of my time. We're leaving.” Then Alexander turned back toward the trucks.

Only Trevor finally said something, even though he hadn't looked up. He didn't say it. It was like he bellowed it. Just so, so loud you could feel the words hit your chest. Trevor bellowed, “I'M THE ONE STANDING HERE IN THE CENTER, AND YOU'RE THE ONE STANDING BY YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS!”

*   *   *

Oh. Myyyyyyyy. Gosssssshhhhhhh. Trevor was so cool. That was the coolest thing anyone has ever said ever. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. People were laughing at Alexander. Even some of his team. Oh my gosh. Trevor was so amazing. How did he even think to say that? How could he say something so perfect and so cool at the exact right moment? Oh my gosh. This was like a movie. But … wait … if this were a movie, would the audience be rooting for me or against me? I mean, they would definitely be rooting for Trevor, but gosh, was I the bad girl the audience hated for cheating? Oh my gosh, I wasn't. I kissed another boy because my dad was having sex with Trevor's mom and Trevor didn't tell me and I was scared and I made a huge mistake.… Oh, I wanted to be the one they root for too. I did. So I yelled, “I LOVE YOU, TREVOR!” So loud. As loud as Trevor yelled. My gosh. I just had to. And I was crying. I couldn't even tell if they were happy tears or sad tears. I don't know. I just loved him so much I had to yell and cry and guess what? GUESS WHAT? He turned. Everyone turned toward me. But most important by a trillion, Trevor turned. And he looked at me. And he smiled. Not a big smile. I don't even think he moved his lips. But his eyes. I could see the smile in his eyes. Because we're soul mates, and soul mates can see those things.

Then Trevor turned back toward Alexander, looking right at him. And Trevor's eyes were so intense again. Like terrifying. Like he was insane. But I knew he wasn't. Maybe he was. But I loved him anyway. Maybe I loved him because I was insane too.

The crowd chanted, “FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,” again and Alexander Taylor finally took a few steps toward Trevor, though you could tell he didn't want to go. I wouldn't either. There was something in Trevor's eyes that would make the strongest person in the universe scared to fight him, I think.

Alexander yelled, “You're dead, freshman!” But it was kind of lame-sounding and then he ran at Trevor and Trevor ran at him, but Trevor crouched low at the last second and, like a football player making a tackle, lowered his shoulder into Alexander's stomach, wrapped his arms under Alexander's butt, and then Trevor screamed, “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” like a wild animal, except animals couldn't make that noise, and then Trevor lifted up for a second and slammed Alexander down into the parking lot cement. Alexander's head whiplashed against the ground and he cried out. Like really cried out. Like a little boy.

Alexander held up his hands, saying, “Wait, wait, I hit my head … wait…”

Trevor screamed another “AAAAAAAHHHHH,” and then he turned and walked away.

Alexander managed to stand, wobbly, but still trying to be tough. He yelled, “I didn't say we were finished, freshman!”

Trevor turned fast, like super fast, like Superman fast, and started charging right at Alexander, only Alexander ran away, ran to his swim team and hid behind them. And everyone laughed. Even all his swim team. And Trevor stopped, turned, found me, and walked right toward me.

Oh my gosh. It was like a movie star was walking toward me. And those eyes. It was so sexy. I was so excited. You know, excited down there. That had never happened when I had my clothes on. Oh my gosh, this is love. I didn't say anything; he didn't say anything. He just grabbed my hand and he started walking across the parking lot, and I went with him, obviously, and I didn't turn around and he didn't turn around and we just kept walking and then there was this path and we walked down it and suddenly we were alone. And I tried to look at him and say something, but I was too nervous. I didn't want to say anything wrong. I know I said Trevor and I should share everything. But that was before, when he was so far away. But now I had him again. He was so close. I couldn't say or tell him anything that might ruin anything. This was the greatest moment of my life, I just knew it was.

And then, when were in the middle of some trees, Trevor let go of my hand and collapsed to the ground, right in some mud, and he started hyperventilating and his eyes filled with tears. And my superhero movie star became this shaking mess and I got so confused so fast and, oh, why can't life be a movie where the hero girl never makes horrible mistakes and the hero boy never hyperventilates in the mud?

He said, his chest heaving up and down, “I fucking hate you, Carolina.”

And I almost cried and yelled at him, I don't even know what I would yell, but instead I sat on the ground next to him and started kissing him. All over his face. His eyes and his tears and ears. I said, “I'm so, so, so sorry, Trevor.”

“Why…?” he said, but I knew what he was asking.

“I was mad at you for not telling me about my dad and your mom, I think.”

“I'll tell you everything forever, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Just never hurt me ever again, okay?”

“Never,” I said. “Never, ever, ever.”

*   *   *

A while later, we were both so cold, so we stood up and we walked all the way to his house. His dad was out of town, but Lily and his mom were reading in the living room.

“I'M SO HAPPY!” Lily screamed and ran and leaped into my arms. Even though it had only been three days since I found out Mrs. Santos was having sex with my dad, it felt like five lifetimes. Plus … I had cheated. I was like her. Gosh. Maybe I would try to kill myself like her someday. But I don't think so. That sounds so impossible no matter how sad you feel.

Trevor's mom said, “You two look cold and dirty. Why don't you clean up. I'll take Lily out for pizza. We'll bring you back a fresh pizza in about an hour. Okay?”

“But, Mom, let's wait for them so they can go with!” Lily said.

“I think they should be alone, Lily,” his mom said.

“Thanks,” Trevor said. Mrs. Santos took the still-protesting Lily by the hand and led her toward the kitchen and out into the garage.

*   *   *

I followed Trevor up to his room. We went into his bathroom and started kissing and took off each other's clothes. We got under the hot shower and he was excited and I wanted to have sex with him more than ever in my life and we tried but it was really hard to make the angle work standing up so then we tried to lie down in the tub and I was on bottom and it was super uncomfortable except it was also amazing to be having sex in the shower with the love of my life. We didn't use a condom. Can you even use condoms in a shower? Duh. Obviously you can. But neither of us would have ever stopped to put one on. We wanted to be together forever, and you can't stop to put a condom on if you want to be together forever. That makes no sense, I know, but it made sense at the moment to me.

 

82

Trevor passes a test

Carolina and I are back together.

It's great.

It's better than any other dimension of existence in which we are broken up or where we had never met.

But it's not better than the dimension where she never cheated. I believe her that she didn't plan on kissing him. Didn't really kiss him back. Didn't really touch him. I do. Maybe I have to. But I do believe her. Carolina has talked a lot since we were back together about telling each other every single thought that goes through our brains. She said it would prevent me from hiding stuff from her (like our parents' affair and stuff) and it would prevent her from ever hurting me again. It would be pretty nutty to talk about telling each other every thought and then lie about what happened with Alexander Taylor. So yeah. I believe her. I still hate her sometimes when I think about it. But I believe her.

So. Yeah. Being with Carolina is better than not being with her. I love her. So fucking much I double over from feeling how much I love her sometimes. But I can feel this really angry voice in my head that wants to yell at her every time I see her. I don't do it. It goes away after we kiss and I smell her. I'm just saying it's there. This voice. And I don't know how I'm going to get rid of it. If there was a way to go to other dimensions, one where Carolina never cheated, I'd go. In a heartbeat. Even if I go to one where she did it but I never found out, I think I'd go. Because knowing she betrayed me feels like it's never going to become unknown. Never forgotten. Never even made smaller in my head. It's just going to tick, tick, tick away like a bomb until it explodes. I hope it doesn't explode. Because I love Carolina so much and if it explodes, it will probably kill us both.

*   *   *

Two weeks after we got back together, I took the driver's test, passed, and got my license. My dad and I went car shopping and he bought me a Ford Edge. It's nice. I got a blue one. I always liked black best, but Carolina didn't want me to get a black truck so I didn't. I'm super spoiled and lucky. My parents are totally screwed up, but all kids' parents are probably screwed up and not all kids get a new car for their birthday. I wish I was so cool and strong that I could tell my dad I didn't want a car. But I'm not.

Carolina and I drove downtown to celebrate, just the two of us. On the way home, she said she wanted to give me my birthday present but that I couldn't drive on the highway while she gave it to me. That's when we pulled off to drive on neighborhood streets without much traffic. She undid her seat belt, leaned over, and unzipped my pants. Eventually I had to pull my pants down. She used her mouth. You know, road head. I had never really thought about it before but now I don't know if I can ever be in a car with Carolina without thinking about it.

*   *   *

One week after my birthday and three weeks after we got back together, Carolina came over after my first indoor track meet. I had run well. Won the freshman mile. Coach Pasquini said, “You seem even tougher now,” and patted me on the head.

It was March 16. Carolina had been strange in texts the past couple days. I worried she didn't love me as much anymore. I hadn't been the same since we got back together. I tried. I tried to be so nice. But it's hard to be nice sometimes if you've got that angry voice inside you, and Carolina was the one who put it there. Or made it come back. But when she came over on that Saturday, you could tell she loved me still. She was scared. But different than I had ever seen her. She could barely look Lily in the eyes, told Lily she was sick, but I knew she wasn't.

We went in the basement, and she lay down and said, “Cuddle with me,” and so I did even though I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. Carolina couldn't look at me. She was shaking even though it had been super warm that day for March and it was almost stuffy hot in the basement. Someone must have died. Her dad. She hadn't talked to or seen her dad in three weeks. Now she had found out he was dead.…

“What's wrong, Carolina?” I asked.

She tried to open her mouth, she tried to look at me, but her face quivered and—what the fuck was going on?

“Carolina? Did I do something? Man, I'm sorry. Was I mean? I love you. Tell me what's wrong.”

“I think, I think…” she started. Her whole throat shook and her lips vibrated with all this intense emotion. “I haven't … gotten my, you know, period.”

I didn't really know what this meant for about two seconds. Just confused. Like, why is she telling me about her chick stuff? But then I remembered. I'm not a moron. Holy. Crap. She's …

She's pregnant.

“You're pregnant?” I said.

“I don't know!” she wailed, and that “I don't know” felt like a yes. And. Pregnant. Pregnant. Baby. I just turned learned to drive! My life was over. Over. Carolina and I would be together forever now. We would have to be. She was stuck with me! No. I don't like that. I do. But not really. We'd both be stuck. For the baby. I'm too young. Crap. I love her. I love everything about her. I don't even care now that she cheated. I love her. But a baby … pregnant …

“Have you taken a test?” I asked after a whole long time of just trying to make sense of what might be happening. I couldn't really think straight. Baby. Pregnant. I wanted to play video games.…

She shook her head. “It's been a week. It's never been late a week. I looked online, and everything says I'm pregnant.”

“But how?” I asked.

“Trevor! We never use a condom half the time!”

“But…” I started. But what was I going to say? She was right. We only used it if it was convenient. And … crap … I'm that guy. I'm that idiot who got his high school girlfriend pregnant. I couldn't go to college now. I'd have to work. What would I do? I had to support a baby. I had to get married. For real. Not imaginary. For real. And raise a baby. What the hell did I know about raising a baby?

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Abortion. My mom did it. We should do that. Yeah.

“We can get an abortion,” I said before thinking it through.

“Oh, Trevor, don't you love me?”

“I love you, Carolina! But you're so young and our lives will be over!”

“I KNOW! DON'T YELL!”

“Do you want to have it?”

“I don't want to be pregnant! But I don't know! Like, I'm supposed to know better! I'm supposed to be the girl that knows better! And if I just get an abortion because I was stupid, I don't know! It doesn't seem right! I feel like I should have to have it and my life will be changed but it's what I'm supposed to do!”