Forever Blue (23 page)

"He's there? While you're sleeping? That's creepy."

"I know."

"No. It's really creepy."

I shrugged. "Well, he is a ghost. He says that if he touches me while I'm sleeping, he can enter my dreams, only, what he sees and feels is different than what I see and feel. It's like I'm drowning."

"And that's what happened? You fell asleep in class and he was there, touching you?" He hunched his eyebrows together. "I hope he knows how damn stalker-like that is."

"He says he wasn't there this time."

Judah crossed his arms. "But you think he was?"

"That's the problem, I just don't know anymore. I didn't fall asleep. Well, I must have, but it didn't seem like I fell asleep. I saw him outside, but then he was inside and it started to rain."

Judah lifted his eyebrows but didn't say anything.

"I know how it sounds, but it seemed perfectly normal at the time. And then there were fireworks, and in the darkness between the flashes we were in the forest, but then, when the light flashed again, we were back in the classroom."

"Strange."

"You don't say much, do you?"

"I haven't got much to say."

"Can I ask you something?"

Judah shrugged. "Go ahead."

"Why haven't you asked me anything about him? You believe me, don't you?"

"It's not that I don't believe you, I do. It's just that he doesn't seem real to me. He might to you, but you see him, you talk to him. For me, he's not here. He's not real. He doesn't exist anywhere apart from in your mind."

"Do you think that's what is happening? That this is all in my mind?"

Judah kept his eyes trained on the ground and shrugged. "Could be. I don't really know what to think. His name in the dust on the windowsill, hearing that music, if it's all in your head, then parts of it must be in mine too."

"But put that to the side for a moment, pretend that you think he's real. Isn't there anything you want to ask? I tell you that I see him, I speak to him, he can speak through me, and you don't say a word about it."

Judah shrugged again. "I've got nothing to say."

"Nothing?" I repeated.

"Nothing," he said again. "Ruben was the one who had a thing for words, not me. I never found them to do me any good. There was a time when I should have spoken up, I should have helped, but I didn't. Now, it's too late. I already know everything I need to."

I pressed my lip between my teeth until the pain was too much to bear. "What if it really is just all in my mind?"

"Is that how you feel?" I turned to find Ruben standing beside me.  "You think I'm a figment of your imagination?" he said.

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Don't know what?" Judah asked.

I shook my head. "Never mind."

Ruben reached out and turned me towards him. "How could you say that?" His eyes flashed darkly.

"Is it him?" Judah asked. "He is here?"

"Yes," I said and covered my face with my hands.

Judah looked around as though somehow, this time, he might be able to see his brother.

Ruben crossed his arms. "Why is he even here?"

"He returned Elmo," I replied.

Judah looked over questioningly. "Oh." Realisation dawned. "You're talking to him."

"Don't let him tell you I'm not real." Ruben walked in front of Judah, blocking him from my vision and took my hands. "I'm as real as he is. I'm here. You can feel your hands in mine. You can see me. Don't let anyone take you away from me. Not even him."

"Is he still here?" Judah asked as I stood before him, hands resting in unseen hands, eyes fixed on his unseen brother.

"You need help, both of you," Cara said, stepping out from behind the workshop. "Professional help." She crossed her arms and cocked her head to the side, looking at me. "It happened to your grandmother, didn't it? It could happen to you. Insanity might run in the family."

Ruben dropped my hands.

"Cara," Judah growled. But she just lifted an eyebrow, challenging him.

"You know nothing about Grams," I said, and when I turned back, Ruben was gone.

"I know enough to realise that no one lives in a nursing home for that many years without there being a reason for it. What was the name of the home she lived in before this one? Hollow's Rest for Peace of Mind, or some such thing. You know that was originally a lunatic asylum. Hardly what you'd call a raging endorsement for sanity."

Mum pulled up before I could respond, and got out of the car, her arms filled with grocery bags. "Will you stay for dinner, Judah?"

Judah stepped back. "No. I mean, no thank you Mrs—" He paused.

"Mrs Armistead," she finished for him and I saw Cara wince. "And of course you'll stay. Flynn and I have something to announce." A flash of panic ran through me. What was the announcement going to be this time? I was still getting used to the last one.

"Sounds like a family matter," Judah said. "I wouldn't want to impose."

"Don't be silly," Mum replied, walking up the worn steps to the house. "It's something that concerns you too."

Judah, Cara and I all sat in the lounge with the TV on but none of us watched it as Mum prepared dinner. Judah attempted to excuse himself a number of times but Mum refused to let him leave. She chatted away from the kitchen, calling out questions, completely oblivious to the tension that existed in the next room. By the time dinner came, Judah was almost as pale as I was. His teeth were gritted together and his smile was too tight. Cara didn't smile at all. I stared at the bowls on the table, one filled with rice and the other with a casserole, or something that resembled a casserole, at least. I thought Mum's cooking skills may have improved, until I tasted it.

"What is this?" I asked, forcing myself to swallow.

"You need iron," Mum stated.

"Okay," I said slowly and stabbed a piece of the meat with my fork. "But what is it?"

Mum took a mouthful and chewed for a few moments before swallowing painfully and answering, "Lamb's fry and bacon."

Cara pushed her plate away. "Liver?"

Mum nodded and took another mouthful. Flynn reached across and covered her hand. "Shelley thought it might do Lennon some good to have more iron in her system. She looks so rundown these days. She just wanted to help. Eat," he instructed Cara.

"No," Cara said, shaking her head. "I'm not eating that."

Both Cara and I had stopped eating but Judah was still lifting spoonfuls to his mouth. "What?" he said. "I've got no problem with it."

"So what's this big announcement you want to make?" Cara asked, crossing her arms and pushing her chair back from the table. "I've got homework to do."

Mum and Flynn shared another of their secret smiles and clasped hands again. "Since neither Shelley nor I went on a honeymoon the first time around," another stupid shared grin passed between them, "we've booked a cruise. We're leaving tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I repeated.

"Oh, I know it's bad timing with you feeling unwell and everything, but Flynn got a fantastic deal. I've been counting down the days." Mum squeezed Flynn's hand.

"Judah, I've organised for Simon to look after the shop, but I will need you to increase your hours for the next two weeks. Is that okay?"

"Two weeks?" Cara repeated. "You're leaving me here, alone, for two weeks?"

"Not alone, honey," Flynn said. "Lennon will be here with you. We feel you girls are responsible enough to look after yourselves for a couple of weeks. We will leave you enough money, you both own cars, and you never spend any time with either of us anyway, so I don't see what the problem is."

"You don't see what the problem is," Cara repeated.

"Must you repeat everything I say?" Flynn said, frustrated.

"Way to be there for me, Dad," she shot back, getting up from the table and storming to her room, slamming the door.

Judah stood. "I think I should be going."

Flynn pushed out his chair and extended his hand to Judah. "I'm sorry about that. She hasn't been the same since—" He didn't say any more, but Judah nodded and shook his outstretched hand. "I'm sorry she still blames you," Flynn added.

"So am I," Judah said.

Chapter Thirty Six

Ruben – the previous year

The police never arrested Judah. Even though everything pointed to him being the driver of the car, there was no way to prove it. And thanks to the vandalism of the Fairlane, there was no way to actually prove that it was even the car that hit Lana.

The day of the funeral dawned bright and crisp. I was awake to see the sun spread over the grass, watch the way the frost twinkled in the light of the early sun. It was becoming somewhat of a routine for me, watching the sunrise. Sleep was filled with too many nightmares.

Judah and I wore our school uniform. Judah had even tucked in his shirt and straightened his tie. Mum tried to convince him not to come, but he wouldn't hear a word of it. He insisted he needed to be there for Cara, though I know that she hadn't returned his calls in days. And I hadn't returned hers.

The church was small and quaint and unaccustomed to this many people descending on it at once. The entire rugby team formed a line in front of the steps. They separated when Mum and Dad approached and let them walk in. They clapped me on the back and shook hands with sombre respect. But when Judah approached, hands stuffed in his pockets and head down, they closed ranks and blocked the entrance. Judah sighed and attempted to pass, but Ross shoved him back.

"You're not welcome," he spat at Judah.

"Come on, guys," I said, walking back down the steps. "Let him pass."

Ross crossed his arms and shook his head. "No way. Do you really think they want him here?"

"Let me by," Judah said and attempted to push past Ross again.

"No," Ross said firmly. "The police may not have been able to prove that you killed her, but we all know you did."

The door to the church opened, letting out faint strains of organ music, and Cara walked out. She came to stand beside me, wearing a simple black dress and kissed my cheek. I recoiled from her touch but she didn't seem to notice. Her gaze was fixed on Judah, her eyes glimmering with spite.

"Cara," Judah called out.

Cara ignored him and looped her arm through mine, pulling me towards the door. "Come in," she said. "It's about to start. I want you with me in there. I need you."

"Me?" I questioned. A thick knot formed in the back of my throat.

"Cara," Judah called out again, but it was weak, desperate and broken. Cara looked through him, then tilted her chin, twisting away from him, and dragging me towards the door.

"She doesn't want you here," Ross said.

"It's got nothing to do with you," Judah growled. "Cara! Cara, it wasn't me. You've got to believe me."

But Cara yanked on my arm just as Judah ran at Ross, trying to tear his way through the line. I watched as they shoved him away and he fell to the ground. The door closed just as they kicked him in the gut.

"We can't leave him out there," I said to Cara.

But she wrapped her hand tighter around my arm. "He killed my sister, Ruben."

"But the police—"

Her eyes flashed. "I don't care what the police said. I saw you give him the keys, Ruben, I know it was him. He may have fooled me before, but he won't do it again."

Cara sat stiffly through the service while her mother sobbed in the seat next to her. Squished between Cara and the end of the aisle, I felt out of place. Every word spoken was an accusation. The walls seemed to be chanting, 'we know you did it', and I was certain a mark of guilt was burned on my forehead. The photo of Lana at the front of the church followed me with her eyes. I tried to avoid it, but once, when I braved a glance, she was pointing straight at me with those chipped nails and bloodied fingers.

"Leave me alone," I whispered as a cold sweat crept over my body.

"What did you say?" Cara asked as the minister droned on about Lana's love of horses and her dream to one day own one. "Are you alright?"

I jerked my head to look at her. "I'm fine." But the words sounded foreign, as though they came out of someone else's mouth.

"You're shaking." She clutched onto my arm, trying to still my quivering with her own strength.

"I'm fine." I smiled weakly and patted her arm, hoping she didn't notice the sweat beading on the back of my neck.

Judah was waiting as soon as we walked out of the church. "Cara," he said, breaking through the crowd and walking over to us.

Ross blocked his path, having appointed himself Cara's defender.

"Move," Judah ordered.

Ross crossed his arms and glared at him. "Don't you get it? You're not wanted here."

Judah pushed past and reached for Cara's arm but she recoiled. "Don't touch me," she hissed.

"Cara, please." Judah's voice was drenched in desperation. "Please Cara, it wasn't me. You've got to believe me." He looked at me. "Tell her I didn't do it, Ruben, tell her," he pleaded.

"There were witnesses, Judah," she roared at him. The people gathered in the carpark started to whisper and stare.

"They're lying," Judah said weakly.

"You're accusing your own brother of lying now?" Cara said. She tightened her grip on my arm. "You hear that, Ruben? He's calling you a liar."

"It's not what you think." But I couldn't say any more without revealing the truth. And it was a truth I couldn't live with.

"Stop defending him," Ross interjected, stepping between Judah and Cara. "We all know he did it, and the feeble excuses of his brother won't change anything. Distance yourself from him, Ruben, or you'll end up getting the same treatment. We don't want his kind around here. God doesn't look kindly on killers."

Anger coursed through Judah's veins. I could see it in the flush of his cheeks, the desperation in his eyes, but he took a deep breath and stepped back. "If you would just listen to me, Cara," he said.

But Ross blocked his path and Cara walked away, leaving me to face the daggered and pained look from my brother.

"I don't care what the other's think. I don't care if the whole town believes I'm guilty, but not Cara. You've got to put this right, Ruben," he said coldly.

I glanced around at the people watching and spoke quietly. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" Judah hissed.

"Because she'd go to the police and it would ruin everything. I'd get convicted of manslaughter. I can't go to prison."

"I can't have Cara thinking I killed her sister. I won't do it. I'll come clean, tell the police everything," he warned.

I hated doing it. I hated looking into his eyes and speaking the words, but if I didn't, he could ruin everything, and I just couldn't run that risk. "And who would believe you?" I said.

I walked away and left him alone in the carpark surrounded by people who believed he was a killer.