Forever and Almost Always (21 page)

She was like a disease, but a disease you never wanted to be cured of. That smile had me mesmerized, until I saw why she was smiling. A guy came walking up to the both of them, and she immediately wrapped her arms tightly around him as they hugged for longer than normal acquaintances should. Because in this moment, I was telling myself that’s all they were. I had to believe that was all they were. When he turned to hug Taylor next, I relaxed a little. Maybe this was someone she knew well, or maybe it was even Taylor’s boyfriend. As they sat down at the table, I noticed the guy go out of his way to sit next to Taylor, and I was secretly thanking my lucky stars for that.

I don’t understand why I was torturing myself this way. I knew I wasn’t going to get out of the car and say hi or anything, but watching her movements and the way she was laughing, all I could think about was what it would feel like to have her smile and laugh with me again. She seemed to be having a good time from what I could tell. Every few seconds her face would light up and that heart melting smile would appear, making my jealousy that much more prominent.

After an hour passed, I thought about calling it a night and just going home. I hadn’t exactly explained to my wife what I was up to after work, even though I didn’t go, but I told her I had some things to do. I reached for the door handle, ready to go and confront my past, my future be damned. For once in my life, I was about to do something for
me,
nobody else but me. As much as I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to see her, that it would be too hard, it was far worse seeing her in front of me and not being able to talk to her.

I stepped out of my truck and stood next to it. I took two steps and suddenly my feet failed me. I wasn’t sure if it was some cosmic sign or if I was just that nervous, but either way, I found myself back in my truck, staring at the one girl in this world that I could never have again. The only thing that made it worse, was knowing that every night her husband got to touch her. He got to be with her, feel her, smell her and have a family with her. My stomach ached when reality finally set in. I couldn’t ruin a marriage, or break up a family. I wasn’t willing to be
that
guy. My eyebrows pinched in confusion as I thought back to our conversation this morning. When I asked her if she had kids or a husband, she has said yes to one but not the other. But, when I had called her that night so long ago, she had told me she was pregnant. She told me that she couldn’t meet me because she was pregnant. Now I was left with even more unanswered questions, and wanting to know the answers was literally killing me.

A short while later, I forced myself to leave and go home. I wanted to stay. My heart wanted to stay with her for always, but the rational part of me, well the rational part of me, put my truck in drive and went home to my wife.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Charlee

I dreaded going home when the plane landed. I knew what I would be walking into, and I would much rather be doing anything else, but going home. As much as I wanted to stop by my new favorite hangout, I found myself driving straight home. I walked through the door from the garage and breathed a heavy sigh. When I made my choice ten years ago, I honestly thought I was making the right one. My gut told me that eventually I would get hurt, and that my family would always be there for me. I never thought about the loneliness that came along with that choice, until today.

I poured myself a glass of wine, and unpacked my suitcase. After an hour of putting away my clean clothes and starting a mountain of laundry, I pulled out my laptop and got to work on my article. I was close to finishing, when my phone started ringing. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody, but after looking at the caller ID, I answered it anyway.

“Hey Tay, how’s it going?”

“It’s going good, hun. I just wanted to make sure you got home okay.”

“That I did. I’ve just been busy writing my article. How’d the rest of your day go?”

I honestly didn’t care. I know that made me a bad person, but I needed the distraction from my over active brain.

“It went good. Hung out with Katie and went to go see my mom.”

“God, I can’t believe you have a ten year old already. I feel so old, like I should be catching up with you.”

“You’re telling me. I feel ancient. So honestly, how are you really feeling?”

“I don’t know, Taylor. It hurts, but I really don’t want to talk about it. I gotta get back to my article. Can I call you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Sleep good. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I hung up the phone and let it drop from my fingers. Exhaustion quickly set in and before I knew it, I was fast asleep.

For the next week, I avoided any unnecessary phone calls and tried my damnedest not to think about him. I threw myself into my work, but even that was starting to pose a problem. My editor called a few days ago about covering an awards show, but it was still a month away. My mind was cluttered with thoughts of Dax, and I needed an escape. I needed something to clear my mind.

I quickly grabbed my laptop and started searching for small hotels on the coast of California. When I came across one that was right on a private beach, I booked it. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t second guess my decision, I just booked it. In two weeks, I would be on the gorgeous sandy beach, soaking up the California sun while I cleared my head and reexamined my life.

Not a day went by over the next week and half that I didn’t think about him on a constant basis. For some reason, he overwhelmed me with emotions that I thought I had buried a long time ago. Some days, I wish I never would’ve bothered looking him up. Things were so much easier to deal with, when I ignorantly believed that he hated me more than anything. But now that I knew the truth, I just wanted to forget.

My phone began ringing in the distance.

“Hello?”

“Hey hun. How are you?” Taylor’s voice was just what I needed to hear at that moment.

“Oh, you know.” I let out an audible sigh.

“Still thinking about him, huh?”

“I guess you could say that. I was doing so damn good not thinking about him, but for some reason today is extra bad.”

“I hear ya, honey. Just try and stay strong.”

“I know.” Staying strong was what I was good at, and with any luck he would be free from my mind soon. That’s the funny thing about true love. It rarely ever leaves you alone.

“You still there?”

Just then, a thought ran through my mind and if I didn’t act on it now, I never would. “Taylor, I have to call you back.”

“Okay.” I could hear the confusion in her voice, but I didn’t have time to explain.

I hung up and started searching through my contacts for his number. This couldn’t wait. I knew what I was about to do had the potential to change everything, but if I were to ever be sane again, I had to do it.

I typed out a quick text to see if he could talk, and then sat and waited. I waited for what felt like an eternity, when my phone finally beeped. He said he had a few minutes and would call me in just a second. My heart was beating so fast, I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. My hands began to shake and my mind was filled with a million thoughts. When my phone started ringing a few seconds later, I had to force myself to take deep breaths before answering.

“Hello.”

“Hey. How are you?” His voice hit me like a ton of bricks, sending shivers down my spine.

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Could you please tell me what is supposed to come of this?” His voice was shaky and he seemed mad.

“Honestly, I don’t know. You seem mad. Dax, tell me why you couldn’t see me while I was in town, please?”

“I’m not mad at all. I explained my reasoning to you on why I couldn’t meet up with you.”

“I know you told me
why,
I guess I more so wanted to know why you decided not to when you said you would think about it.” I held my breath as I waited for his answer, preparing myself for the worst.

“Because, I don’t know what could come of this?”

Bullshit. “Do you ever wonder if maybe seeing me would’ve brought you some closure?” I knew the answer, but really didn’t want to hear him say the words.

“It could’ve gone either way. I just don’t think it’s beneficial to either of us, to be putting ourselves in a situation like that.”

“I feel like I made the situation seem as though it wouldn’t have meant anything to me. You told me you missed me, and I guess, I just felt like I needed you to know that I miss you too. More than you could ever know. I felt that seeing you would’ve made things easier. I don’t know what could come of any of this, but I can honestly say, I just miss having you in my life, in any way.”

“Well, life is complicated.”

Now he was just irritating me. I was trying to be open and honest with him, which was extremely hard for me, and he was practically brushing me off. “I swear I’m not trying to make things difficult. I guess that’s assuming you still have feelings there. I don’t know, it’s hard to talk about any of this when you’re so standoffish.”

“Don’t get me wrong. If it were ten, even five years ago, things would’ve been different.”

We went back and forth for the next fifteen minutes, not saying what we really wanted to say and I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle him. I just wanted to know how he felt. I wanted to hear those three words that I
knew
he wanted to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to say them either.

“You’re still just as stubborn as I remember. Why can’t you just tell me how you feel?”

I closed my eyes, willing myself to tell him. I wanted him to know, but I just couldn’t put myself out there with him again. “Because there’s no point.”

“Even if we were to be all, hey, I love you and you love me, what good would that do? I’m married, you’re married and that’s not going to change. I just don’t see what good it would do for us to talk still. It’s not like when we talk it’s strictly platonic.”

I went silent. I couldn’t bring myself to even breathe. I knew the truth of my situation, but I wasn’t ready to tell him. It wouldn’t be fair to tell him what my life was like now. Because I knew deep down, he would leave his wife and be on the next plane out here, but for all the wrong reasons.

“I’m not going to be completely honest with you. Talking to you last month wasn’t good for me. I couldn’t even jump that day. I went home and went back to bed to try and sleep it off, but I woke up still thinking about you. Instead of being in the moment with my
wife,
I was busy thinking about you.”

“I’m sorry, Dax.” It was the only thing I could think to say.

“Don’t be sorry. It is what it is.”

“Look, I didn’t seek you out thinking that we could be together. I honestly didn’t even think you would call that day. I didn’t think you cared enough to call. Do you regret not seeing me while I was there?”

There was a long pregnant pause. “I don’t regret it for my everyday life and for the sake of my marriage, but I do regret it long term. I just don’t think it would’ve been innocent if we would have seen each other.” He paused, and then asked a question I wasn’t at all prepared for. “Do you feel like you’ve said everything you want to say?”

My heart splintered, and I could feel it begin to shatter. There was no emotion in his voice. He was speaking to me as though I was some sort of stranger he just met. “No, but I don’t want to be selfish and make your life harder, just to make
me
feel better.” The phone went silent. My heart raced in my chest and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I knew what I wanted him to say as well, but I also knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t say it out loud. “I honestly didn’t think it would have any effect on you.”

“Well obviously Taylor knew or she wouldn’t have said I would call that morning.”

Now I was just getting frustrated. “It’s always different from an outsider’s prospective. Did I think you loved me as much as I loved you? Yeah, at one point, but
I
was head over heels in love with
you.
I saw a forever with you, and I didn’t feel like you saw that with me.”

“That’s sad. I’m sorry. I was young and stupid. Do I think I could’ve done things differently in the end? Of course. But now, like I said, it is what it is.”

I was surrendering. I was waving the white flag and offering peace. “I just miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing your face. I don’t even know what you look like now.” Deep down, I knew what I was willing to do, if he would have said he loved me. I knew the choice I was willing to make this time, but obviously it wasn’t the same for him.

“I can picture
you.
Your smile, your face. I can picture it all. I can see you laughing. I can even picture you being upset. I look exactly the same, but better looking.” He let out a loud laugh and I smiled, because I had missed hearing his laugh. “But I’ve seen you.”

“How?”

“Online. I can say with confidence, I have secretly stalked you online.” There was a long pause. “How are you going to deal with this, if you don’t say what you feel you need to say?”

“I’ll deal with it like I always do. I’ll just push it down and deal. I’m not selfish enough not to.”

“Well if you ever figure out a solution to our predicament…”

“You’ll be the first one I call.”

“So where do we go from here?” I could hear hope in his words, and it made me smile.

The tears started welling up behind my eyelids, knowing what I
needed
to say to him. “I’m going to respect your wishes, and we won’t talk.”

“I think it would be harder if we continue to talk to each other. I told you, we’ll talk…someday.”

The tears began to fall and I silently cried as our conversation came to an end. All I could think, was that someday couldn’t come soon enough.

“I’m happy for you, Charlee. I’m jealous I’m not the one that gets to
make
you feel happy, or make you feel loved, but I
am
happy for you.”

“I’m happy for you too.” I muttered.