Forever After (24 page)

They’d lost husband and father—had almost lost Lucas—in the Grove Street fire, and yet the pall of tragedy didn’t lie over this house the way it did the Morgans’. They’d honored Manny’s memory, speaking of him freely and fondly, even in Geoff’s presence.

She tried to put it into words. “You guys seem so … at peace. About your dad, about everything you’ve been through.”

He shrugged. “Christmas was a little easier this year. As hard as it is
to see Ma with someone else, it helps to see her happy again.” A shadow passed over his face. “Forgive me. I’m sure it hasn’t been easier for you—this year, I mean. Especially with things the way they are between you and Zach’s parents.”

“Lucas … I wasn’t in love with Zachary.” Why had she just blurted it out like that?

He drew back, looking stunned. “I don’t understand. Is that why the Morgans are angry with you?”

“No.” She shook her head. “No one knows—except Bryn. It’s the whole thing with Bryn that set Clarissa off,” she reminded him. “They don’t know … the other. Please don’t say anything.”

“Of course not. But … how could you not—” He shook his head. “Zach was crazy about you, Jen.”

“I didn’t know. Until you told me that night at the coffee shop.”

“How could you not know? The man was absolutely nuts about you. It’s why—one reason—I’ve been so hesitant to—”

“Zach never knew. I … was a great pretender. I never should have said anything. Let’s change the subject.” She pressed her lips together. Why had she started down this road? It was Christmas Eve. She was a guest here. This was not the time. If there ever
could
be a time for such an ugly admission.

He turned toward her on the sofa and reached for her hand. “Why do you do that?”

She shook her head, not understanding.

“Every time we edge close to sharing something personal, you back away like a scared kitten.”

She forced herself to look into his eyes. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t know why.” She was evading again, and it wasn’t exactly true. She was starting to understand why. But she couldn’t explain it to him.

“Well, stop it.” His tone was gruff, but his eyes held that twinkle that warmed her from the inside out.

“There you go being bossy again.”

He gave her a smug look.

But she couldn’t tease him back. She wanted to change. Especially since Lucas seemed determined to get to know her—the real her. But surely that would scare him off. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about him—or about learning to be more “real.” She forced a smile. “Okay. I’ll try.”

His gaze traveled to her throat, and she realized she had a death grip on her necklace.

“You always wear that.” It was a statement, but his eyes held the unspoken question.

She nodded, then laughed as she realized the irony. “Clarissa gave it to me—the first Christmas Zach and I were married.”

“It’s a fish. Is that supposed to be like an ichthys?”

“Ick-what?”

He laughed. “The Christian fish symbol—” He drew a fish shape in the air. “You know? It was like a secret code so the persecuted Christians would recognize each other?”

She shook her head. She’d never heard such a thing. She held her fish out and examined it, wondering if she’d been wearing a Christian symbol all these years without knowing it.

Lucas looked closer. “Oh … yours is more like a goldfish.”

She nodded. “That’s what it is. It’s a Chinese symbol for prosper—” She stopped short. More irony. “It symbolizes prosperity and wealth.” She laughed. “I wouldn’t run out and buy one if I were you. I don’t think it works.”

He gave a wry grin. “I’ll make a note. And hey, just to set the record straight, the ichthys isn’t a charm. It’s just a symbol.”

“I wish I could believe like you do.”

“What
do
you believe?”

She shrugged. “I used to think I believed in God. Now”—she shrugged—“I don’t know.”

“Because of Zach?”

She shook her head. “No. Zach … he was a good man. Our problems were mostly my fault.”
Or Clarissa’s.

“Then why?”

“I didn’t grow up like you did, Luc.” She panned the cozy scene in front of her, and a wave of longing roiled inside her. “I didn’t have a loving dad to teach me about those things. I didn’t have a dad, period. And my mom—I don’t think she believed in anything. She was trying too hard just to survive.”

“I bet that was tough. For you, I mean.”

She shrugged. “I didn’t know there was anything else—” She caught herself and put her head down. “No—you’re right. It was very hard. When Zach asked me out on our first date, and I saw how the rest of the world lived—or at least it seemed that way—it did something to me. I would have done anything to hang on to him at that point.” She bowed her head, feeling the shame all over again. “Actually, I did do ‘anything’ … and I ended up pregnant.”

His eyes went wide. “You—had a baby?”

She shook her head. As long as she was being real … “I miscarried a few weeks after our wedding. It took Clarissa years to forgive me.”

“
Forgive
you? For what?”

“If you know Clarissa, then you know I wasn’t exactly her first choice for her darling son. I think she thought I trapped him into marrying me. And … maybe I did.” Her own words shocked her—because she recognized them as truth.

“Well, you were Zach’s first choice. I know that for a fact. But he never said anything about you having to get married.”

She nailed him with a look. “I really hate that expression, you know? We didn’t
have
to get married.”

He held up a palm. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.” He repositioned himself on the sofa, stuffing one of the cushions under his leg and scooting closer to her in the process.

“I know. I’m sorry … I didn’t mean to snap at you.” She wished she
could take back the whole conversation. Seeking to lighten the moment, she affected an exaggerated cringe. “Actually, remembering how Clarissa reacted back then, we probably
did
have to get married. She would have killed us if we’d disgraced her.”

He winced. “That bad, huh?”

He leaned closer. Close enough she could smell the citrus tang of his aftershave.

“It was not a pretty scene.”

“I’m sorry. But to hear Zach tell it, you hung the sun and the moon and most of the Milky Way, for that matter.”

Why did he have to bring Zach up again? And the baby.
Babies
… But that wasn’t a place she was willing to go. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.

Some secrets were meant to stay locked up. But a niggling fear wouldn’t let her forget. Lucas would make a great husband … a great father. She could see that just watching him with his family tonight.

What if …?
She stared at the lights twinkling on the Christmas tree and let herself inhale its piney scent. She pushed away the thoughts. She didn’t want to ruin what was turning into the kind of Christmas Eve she’d always dreamed about.

He’d been
that
close to doing something he would have regretted.

27

L
ucas heard Ma’s footsteps on the stairway and sent up a quiet prayer of thanks. He took his arm off the back of the sofa and leaned away from Jenna.

He’d been
that
close to doing something he would have regretted. But oh, those pouty lips of hers begged to be kissed. He ran a hand over his face, trying to wipe the idea out of his mind. But how could he when she was sitting right here beside him looking like an angel in the soft light from the Christmas tree and Ma’s candles?

If he hadn’t had this bulky cast to deal with, he would have removed himself from the sofa—or maybe the room—by now. She was too close.

Geoff and Ma appeared at the top of the stairs. “We’re making some hot cocoa,” she said. “You guys want some?”

“Sounds good. How about you?” He looked at Jenna and thought her expression said she wanted an excuse to stay, but he didn’t want to take that for granted.

She smiled. “That would be nice. Thank you.” After the couple disappeared into the kitchen, she repositioned herself on the sofa.

He didn’t think it was his imagination that she’d done it purposely, to move closer to him.
Lay off, Vermontez. You’re asking for trouble.

He lifted his casted leg off the coffee table and hollered into the kitchen. “You need help, Ma?”

“We got it,” Geoff called back. “You two stay put.” Great. They were no help at all.

“Geoff seems really nice,” Jenna whispered.

He nodded. “He’s a good guy.”

“He’s a good guy, but …?”

“What?”

“You said that with a shrug … like maybe you had some reservations.”

“I didn’t realize I shrugged. I thought I nodded.”

“You nodded”—she narrowed her eyes—“but you also shrugged.”

“Sorry. I didn’t realize—”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did have reservations. But it’s obvious your mom is really happy. And he does seem like a really nice man.”

“Point taken.”

“Not that it’s any of my business. I just thought in case you hadn’t noticed, I’d point out that he’s really nice.”

“Right.” He raised his voice pointedly as Geoff appeared behind Jenna with a tray in hand. “And speaking of hot chocolate … Thanks, Geoff.”

Lucas curbed a grin as Jenna’s cheeks flushed three shades of pink.

Geoff helped her clear a space on the coffee table in front of them. “You guys want whipped cream?”

“No, thanks,” Jenna said, finally risking a glance at Geoff. “This looks great. Thank you.”

“Yeah, thanks, Geoff. That was really
nice
of you.”

Geoff gave him a look that said he knew something was up, but then Ma appeared with a can of Reddi-wip. “Anybody want whipped cream?”

“Geoff already asked,” Lucas said. “But thanks, we’re good.”

“Okay. You two enjoy.” Ma beamed.

When she and Geoff disappeared back down the stairs with their own tray of hot chocolates, Jenna turned to him, cringing. “Did he hear me?”

Lucas burst out laughing. “No, but I wish you could have seen your face.”

She hid her face in her hands, then looked up, feigning anger. “Thanks for the warning … and thanks a lot for your ‘nice’ comment.”

“Sorry. Couldn’t resist. He was just being so nice.”

“Haha. Very funny. Well, he
is
nice. That’s all I’m saying.”

He laughed harder and she joined in.

They sipped hot cocoa in comfortable silence, letting the Christmas lights mesmerize them.

Lucas drained his mug and set it on the coffee table. “So, are you going home for Christmas tomorrow?”

“Home? No. There’s … not exactly a home to go to.”

“Your family’s not in St. Louis anymore?”

“My mom died last March.”

He tried to hide his surprise. “I’m sorry, Jen. I didn’t know.”

“How could you? I know I probably seem calloused about it, but we were never close. And where I grew up wasn’t exactly … the kind of place you go home to for Christmas.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, still stunned at her matter-of-fact revelation.

She squirmed a little and set her empty mug beside his. “I didn’t grow up the way you did, Luc,” she said again. “What you have is special.”

She looked so wounded behind those soft hazel eyes. He remembered their earlier conversation and felt bad that they kept coming around to this. It was Christmas Eve after all. “We do have something special,” he acknowledged. “I’m glad you could be here tonight. To share it with us.”

“Me too.” She looked as if she might cry.

“And just for the record …” He swallowed hard, praying for words that would heal and soothe—and feeling wholly inadequate to find them. “What Christmas is all about—it’s … God making things right
between us and Him.” It felt odd, sharing his faith this way when he’d had so many doubts this past year … times when he wondered if he could keep on believing. But saying the words to Jenna now, he was convinced all over again.

She put her head down as if his words made her uncomfortable, but when she looked up again, there was a faraway glimmer in her eyes. “I remember going to this church one summer.” Her voice was almost a whisper. “It was a Vacation Bible School or something—and they invited all the kids in the neighborhood. Mom made Becky and me go, and they talked about that—about Christmas. I thought it was so weird … talking about Christmas in July. But there was something I always liked about that.”

“I’m going to go out on a limb,” he risked, “and say maybe God planted a seed in your heart way back then.”

She looked skeptical. “A seed that’s supposed to grow into what?”

He grasped for an answer that wouldn’t scare her off. “Into knowing Him. I think God knew we’d have this conversation one day. And I think He wanted you to know that you can know Him … just like you know me.”

She gave a humorless laugh. “Wow. You and God are pretty tight, huh?”

“Oh, yeah”—he held up a hand and crossed his fingers—“we’re like this.” He wiped the smile from his face. “I’m only partly kidding, Jenna. I do feel that close to God. I’m dead serious about that part.”