Forever (21 page)

He didn’t know how, but they’d found out about Annie. The blood pounded in his ears till he could no longer hear even Lindsay’s angry shouts. For one perfectly insane moment, he thought about going back out the door, emptying his bank accounts, and flying to some exotic place where he would live happily ever after.

I’m the man with the plan
.

Lindsay storming into the hall toward the stairs jolted him from his reverie. She paused and pressed trembling fingers to her lips, but the gesture didn’t stop the flow of tears. Without a word, she fled past him and up the stairs. Slamming the door to her room was comment enough.

If I suffered a fatal heart attack right now, not only would it be justified, but I would actually welcome it
. After several seconds, his heart slowed and he accepted that a sudden death was not going to reprieve him. He went in search of Julie.

She was standing at the sink scrubbing potatoes.

“Julie?”

“Is steak all right for dinner?” She turned to face him, waiting for his answer.

He was surprised to see there were no signs she’d been crying. In fact, if he’d arrived home at this moment, he would have had no clue that his wife and daughter had just had a screaming fight. He decided to sing along to that tune.

“Steak sounds great. I’m grilling, right?”

She nodded and gave him a half-smile as if she wasn’t fully aware of what she was agreeing to. But though she was distant, she didn’t seem angry, and that puzzled him. He’d assumed Julie had found out about Annie, but now that he was able to think more rationally, he questioned that she would have gone straight to Lindsay about it. The horror of his next thought made him wish anew for a cardiac episode—what if
Lindsay
had been the one who discovered the awful truth about him?

But no, in that case, Julie would be furious with him for hurting their daughter like that. He took a deep breath and focused on logic. No use jumping to conclusions. It was possible Julie’s argument with Lindsay had nothing at all to do with him. Guilt was a power plant for paranoia.

“I’ll start the grill after I have a quick shower.” Tom ran his hands through his hair and nearly lost his balance. Confusion had him almost swaying as he retreated from the kitchen.

Goddammit
. As he stood under the hot spray, he forced himself to admit he’d become just one more cheating bastard.
He deserved the terror he’d suffered when he first thought Julie and Lindsay had found out about Annie.

What makes you so sure they haven’t
?

Wasn’t this what Julie had been trying to find the courage to talk to him about for two days? Wasn’t this why she’d wanted to have sex with him last night and then—because she was so hurt—had denied herself any pleasure in it? And even if they hadn’t already found out, they still
could
. That threat alone should be enough to make him straighten up his act. Wake up and smell the coffee. Take a reality check.

It should. But when the heat of the water reminded him of the warmth of Annie’s body against his, something in him rose up to wage a mighty battle against reality.

Dinner was ready, but Lindsay had not come downstairs. Tom knocked on her door expecting her to either tell him to go away or call out permission for him to enter. Instead, she opened it a few inches. When she saw him, she flung it wide and surprised him with a hug.

“I love you, Dad.”

“Hey, what’s all this about?” His knees had nearly buckled with relief at her greeting. Neither Julie
nor
Lindsay seemed angry with him. If the shouting he heard when he came home was not because they’d discovered him to be the slime he was, then what
was
it about?

“I just wanted you to know that,” she said solemnly. “I don’t say it enough. I get busy with . . . things. You know?”

“I love you too, baby girl.”

“For always?”

“For always. Never doubt that.” Then he raised his eyebrows in unspoken question.

“I haven’t committed a crime or anything, if that’s what you’re asking.” They exchanged identical grins.

Lindsay released him and sat down on her bed. She picked up one of the many stuffed rabbits that inhabited her room. Although she would be eighteen in less than a month, her all-girl room still retained remnants of her childhood.

Tom feared Lindsay would take the better part of the light from this house when she left at the end of summer. Physically she was the image of her mother, but in temperament she was his match. The two of them were both easy going until pressed to the brink, and then it was no holds barred. Only something serious would have caused her to shout at her mother with such fury.

“Come on down,” he said. “Eat the steak I grilled especially for you.”

She gave him a wan smile, but the look in her eyes revealed something unsaid.

“Sorry, Dad, I’m just not hungry.”

He didn’t understand what was happening in this house tonight, but his conscience advised him it was better not to ask questions. He wasn’t sure he could handle the answers.

“How about having dessert with us later?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” Lindsay lay back and picked up an open book.

He knew from previous experience this signaled his dismissal, so he left, closing her door behind him.

Standing at the head of the stairs, Tom vowed that he would honor his commitments to his wife and daughter. He was not going to be stupid enough to throw away a relationship of twenty-four years for the little thrill he’d had for the past two weeks. Something deep inside his head ripped open and convulsed with pain. But he didn’t give into it. He couldn’t.

As he and Julie ate dinner, Tom considered how he should tell Annie it was over. Finally. Over. When Julie broke the silence, he startled, nearly spilling his wine.

“The steak is perfect.”

He faked a smile. “Tom’s my name, grillin’s my game.”

“Tom—” She swallowed, took a sip of wine and swallowed again. “I lied to you the other night at Delvecchio’s.”

It took him a minute to swim back to that conversation. “Oh. You mean Patricia and Eddie aren’t going into business together?”

“No, I mean, yes, they are. And they’re opening a new real estate office.”

“All right . . .” Because he was packing a heavy load of guilt tonight, he fought down the urge to bristle over the topic of Patricia. Let Julie say what she needed to say.

“She’s had all that money from her divorce settlement and never touched it, so she thinks she can afford to chance it.”

Something in Julie’s eyes, or maybe in her tone, alerted him to
pay attention
.

“Patricia’s sales have been wonderful for the last ten months, and Eddie has all that experience in the business, of course, so I don’t doubt they’ll be successful.” She paused looking at Tom as though she expected a response, so he nodded. She picked up her wine glass and then set it down without drinking. “I’ll be training their office manager.”

Tom opened his mouth to voice his confusion on that statement, but she held up her hand like a traffic cop.

“I know. I told you
I
was going to be their office manager. That’s what I lied about.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve decided to get a real estate sales license.”

“Really.”

“Actually, I’ve been studying for the exam. At Patricia’s. That’s why I’ve been going there so much lately.”

Tom had thought her plan to work full time as office manager was her failsafe, but this was the real plan. He couldn’t fault her. She was smart enough to know she had an idiot husband, one who might be weak enough to leave her for the woman he’d been with that afternoon and many times before. He could tell her there was no need for that fear because he knew he’d done a
very bad thing
, and he promised to never do it again. But this month’s stats on promise keeping was poor. No, let’s be honest, since we’re keeping score—he was batting zero on those promises.

“What do you think, Tom?”

“I’m surprised, I guess. You’ve never mentioned wanting to get into sales.”

“I think I’d be good at it. House sales, at least.”

He nodded and even managed a chuckle. “Better houses than used cars.”

She gave him a ghost of a smile for his effort at levity.

“I’ll only sell part time,” she said, “so it won’t interfere with our weekends. I hope.”

“I’m sure we can work around whatever hours you need to put in.”

“Thanks for being so supportive.”

Had he detected a hint of sarcasm there?
Great going, Tom, now she thinks you’re happy that she’ll be busy so you can have more time to fool around
. Well, all right. He’d destroyed her trust, but she would see that from now on he would be home every minute that he wasn’t at work and she would trust him again—in time.

As they finished dinner, Julie told him more about the new office plans, and he listened, but a part of his mind was trying, again, to figure out the best way to tell Annie he would
not
be seeing or calling her again.

Depending on how he looked at it, Julie announcing after dinner that she was going to Patricia’s for a few hours was either convenient or his bad luck. Tom hooked a leash on Max. As they walked through the neighborhood, he worked on a plan to end his affair.

His indecision was not so much over what he would say but whether he should say it in person. Whether he
could
say it in person. It would be easier for him over the phone because if he was physically near her, this afternoon’s experience told him he wouldn’t go through with it. By the time he got back to the house, he’d decided. After refilling Max’s water bowl, he went upstairs to Lindsay’s room. She hadn’t come down to join them for dessert after all.

Her door was open. She was listening to her iPod, and he stood there undetected, watching her as she lay on her bed reading. It wasn’t for her that he was breaking it off with Annie. Lindsay would be moving out of his life at a rapid pace now—and that’s the way it should be. He was ending it because he refused to go
middle-aged crazy
and abandon Julie for a younger woman. A woman he knew, in his rational mind, could never equal Julie.

“There’s peach pie on the counter,” he shouted.

She pulled out one earbud. “Thanks Dad, I’ll probably eat a piece later.”

“Okay. Listen, you’ll be here alone for a while. Mom’s at Patricia’s, and I’ve got to go out, but I’ll be back soon. In case you want to talk or something.”

“It’s okay, Dad, I didn’t mean you had to be here for me
all
the time. Um . . . you seem kinda down. Is there something wrong?”

Boy, oh boy, is there something wrong
.

“No. Well, yes. It’s something at work. A budget problem.”

(You’re getting too good at this lying thing.)

“Oh Dad, don’t let it get to you. I know you. You’re doing the best you can.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Her genuine look of concern mocked him. It got right in his face and thrust its middle finger at him—and he deserved it. That was the hell of it.

“Anyway,” she said, “I won’t be alone. I’m having some friends over. I hope that’s all right. They’ll be here any minute.”

“I don’t mind at all. But hey, if you decide to go out before I get back, leave me a note. Okay?”

“You’re so old school, Dad. Can’t I just text you?”

“Whatever.”

Lindsay gave him a thousand-watt smile, and Tom felt like he’d been absolved from all his sins—except the really big one, the really
bad
one. The one he hadn’t confessed.

* * *

Annie saw Tom coming before he pulled in the driveway. She felt as if she were smiling with her whole body. As he walked toward the steps she opened the door, gesturing for him to come in.

“My crystal ball predicted a handsome man would come to me this evening,” she said in her best gypsy voice. When Tom didn’t return her smile, dread formed a tiny black bud inside her.

He nodded toward the truck. “Could we talk?”

“I’m not dressed to go out, wait a—”

“We’re not going anywhere.” He took a step back toward the driveway.

Tom hadn’t even bothered to fake a smile, and his deep, sonorous voice that made her heart soar had gone toneless. As they climbed into the truck, the interior light revealed his face was as colorless as his voice. Something had gone terribly wrong since he left her this afternoon. That black bud inside her swelled.

He stared straight ahead, holding on to the steering wheel with both hands, looking as if the whole world might fly apart if he let go. His jaw worked, but he made no sound. Then he inhaled deeply, letting his words rush out on the exhale. “I can’t see you after tonight, Annie.”

The world did not fly apart. It just stopped turning.
Last stop. Get off, please.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

That dark bud blossomed fully and became a clown’s fake flower spurting ice water directly into her veins. She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms, trying in desperation to hold back the tears. A part of her had been expecting this scene from the beginning, but that did nothing to lessen the pain of it now.

Unaware she’d been holding her breath, she exhaled, and her breath felt cold in her throat. January had kidnapped June. All the normal summer evening sounds were muffled to her ears, and Tom’s next words seemed to come to her from a distance.

“I think my wife knows about us.”

Oh dear God, why does he feel compelled to explain why he’s killing me
? If she sat very still, would he stop talking? Would he quit saying these horrible words so her heart could stop its frantic pounding? No. He spoke again and she wanted to escape, to run and run and never stop.

“I just . . . I just . . .” He sighed. “It’s not that I don’t care about you. Maybe if things were different . . .” He shook his head. “I love my wife and daughter. I can’t do this. Do you see?”

From the corner of her eye she saw him turn to her, begging her to understand. She kept her eyes on her hands clenched in her lap. “Yes, I see.”
No I don’t
. Her unshed tears were acid in her eyes. One tiny sob escaped her throat. Words wisped from her lips like smoke. “Please . . . please don’t do this. I love you, Tom. I love you.
Please
.”