Forbidden Pleasures (NSC Industries Book 11) (4 page)

“You should tell him.”

I stared at Noah like he’d got six heads. “Are you
crazy?”

He smirked at me and picked up his pint, taking a large
gulp at the frothy bitter. “We both know I am, that’s why I’m your favourite
brother.”

I laughed but nodded in agreement. Noah was the only one
out of the five of my brothers that ‘got me’. He’d been there for me every day
of my life and we’d shared things no brother and sister ever should have to.
Just six years older than me, Noah was more laid back with my life’s decisions,
giving me the space I needed whilst being there when I needed support and a
shoulder to cry on. He had been the one I had turned to when my marriage went
sour, and he’d been the one who had beaten Graham to a pulp after ‘the
incident’. However, Noah currently had his own demons to deal with and I was
reluctant to add to them.

“It’s fine. He screws around too much, Noah. I don’t want
nor need a man like that.”

“But you admit there’s something between you.”

I sighed, debating his claim then nodded sadly. “Yes.”

Leaning across the table, Noah covered my hand and
squeezed. “Bea, I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt or frighten you. You know best
that some men are…” he trailed off, wincing at his own words.

“I know,” I cut him off quickly, hating the shame
displayed on his face “But...”

“But?” he pressed when I paused.

Looking down at my drink I swirled the remaining wine
around the deep curve of the glass and blew out a breath. “It sounds silly.”

“I’m absolutely positive it won’t be. How can my sister
be silly?”

I smiled, linking my fingers through Noah’s when he moved
his fingers into mine. “I don’t think I’m… what Jay wants.”

“What do you mean?”

I shrugged, struggling to word my instinctive thoughts.
“I don’t know what it is, but I get the sense he’s very… dominant in bed,” I
revealed as I lowered my voice.

Noah nodded slowly. “And after Graham…”

I shrugged and nodded. “I’m not sure I’d be able to
handle that.”

He sighed heavily and motioned to the bartender for
another round. “Bea, tell me to mind my own business but I know you, I’ve grown
with you. I have watched you turn from a girl to a married woman. I’ve seen and
experienced your ups and lows and I have also witnessed the amazing strength
that you have inside.”

My eyes filled with tears but Noah clenched my hand
harder. “I know.”

He nodded and dipped his face so I looked at him. “And I
know that what you went through with Graham has made you this independent and
strong woman that you are today. If any man made you do anything you didn’t
want, you would find the Beatrice that no longer stands for it. You might amaze
yourself if you let her free. And for fucks sake, we both know you need to let
her take you where you need to be.”

He pulled back and smiled up at the barman as he placed
our drinks down on the table in front of us. Noah pulled out his wallet but the
barman shook his head. “Courtesy of the man at the bar.”

I smirked at Noah as I looked across to the bar. I had
never seen Noah blush like he did when the hot guy lifted his own glass to Noah
and smiled widely.

“Fuck!” Noah seethed as he turned back round. His
embarrassment turned from shame to anger, his teeth digging painfully into his
bottom lip.

“Why are you fighting this?” I was so angry that he
denied who he was. It didn’t make sense. Noah had always been an outgoing man.
He was frightened of nothing, yet his sexuality or rather his own personal
confliction with his sexual preference was agonising him to the point of
changing my brother from a soft hearted, laid back kid into an angry and moody
man.

“I’m not fighting anything, Bea,” he spat, his face
glowing with anger and disgrace.

“Yes – you –are!” I hissed. “Why won’t you let yourself
be the real you?”

“This
is
the real me, Bea!
That
isn’t who I
am!”

My blood was boiling. I was so damn angry with him. And
me being me put my foot in good and proper, right down my own throat. “You have
been in love with Jamie for eight years! It’s about time you made that move!”
Jamie had been Noah’s best friend since childhood but I saw the way Noah looked
at him, with need and a yearning that broke my heart. I’d also seen the way
Jamie looked at my brother and I was positive if Noah finally made the move he
wouldn’t be scorned. But Noah refused it, denied what was in his belly and his
heart.

I’d witnessed Noah’s violent side on few occasions and I
knew then that I was going to witness it again. Both of us were terrified of
that side of him. I knew he couldn’t help it but as I watched the frost seep
into his eyes I braced myself. His fingers curled deep into my hand and he
yanked me so hard across the table, my glass shot off to the side and smashed
on the hardwood floor, the contents spraying my legs with red wine.

“Don’t fucking start, Bea!”

I nodded quickly, forcing a smile at the two blokes who
were rushing over to help. “It’s okay. I’m okay,” I urged quickly.

Noah blinked and dropped my arm like it was on fire. His
red eyes found mine and the devastation in them caused my chest to tighten.
“It’s okay, Noah. I’m okay.”

He sucked his lips behind his teeth, then picked up his
glass and threw it across the room before he stormed out.

Quickly making my way over to the broken glass, I bent
down and picked it up, hissing when a sliver cut into my hand. “Fuck!” I
moaned. “Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!”

“You okay, love?”

I nodded to the man who squatted beside me. Taking my
hand gently away from the glass, he held it to one side as he picked up the
glass himself. “Boyfriend?”

“Sorry?”

He nodded towards the door. “Was he your boyfriend?”

“Oh no,” I smiled at his concern but my cheeks flushed
with shame for Noah. “He’s my brother.”

His eyes widened but he nodded. “Does he always treat you
like that?”

It was then I realised it was the same man who had bought
Noah and me a drink. “No,” I sighed then gulped and took a gamble. “He’s
struggling with the part of him that dismissed your offer.”

He stared at me then nodded slowly. “I get you. It took
me a while as well.”

“And how did you learn to accept it?”

He shrugged and pursed his lips. “I woke up one day and
decided not to be ashamed.” I smiled softly. “I’m not saying it will be that
easy for your brother, but one day, who knows.”

“I hope so.”

He grinned. “Me too.”

I laughed when he waggled his eyebrows and winked. “Thank
you.” He nodded and walked away leaving me watching the swing of his tight
backside. “Fuck Bea,” I grumbled as I shook my head.

I needed to seriously get laid if I was lusting after a
gay man! I shook my head again when Jay’s face filtered in. I couldn’t go
there. I wasn’t what he needed and vice versa. He would ruin me and I could
never be what he craved. I sensed it deep inside him, the need for something
darker than I was used to, and I knew, no matter how many times I knew he would
make me come, it was whether I was enough to make him come that was the
question. A question I already knew the answer to.

“What’s up?”

I looked up at my dad when he handed me a cup of coffee
and sat on the sofa beside me. It was the Sunday after the night before and I
was at my parent’s for lunch. Bea’s reaction to my kiss had given me a
sleepless night, the bags under my eyes proof of my restlessness. I wasn’t even
sure why she worried me like she did, but I knew she felt the connection
between us too, I’d seen the same heat and need in her eyes as what I saw in
mine ever since I’d spoke to her in Pulse.

“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly.

My father nodded slowly then sighed but watched me
closely. “Beatrice Vine was Beatrice Havers when she started working at NSC five
years ago.”

I stared at him. I knew he’d read me, even though he’d
only been back in my life for the last ten years, we both had an uncanny
ability to understand one another. “You knew her before she was married?”

“I did, yes.” He frowned, taking a sip of his own coffee.
“She was very outgoing when she started as a temp for me. She was always the
life and soul of the party and people gravitated towards her instinctively.”

“I get that.” And I did. Beatrice was quirky and funny
but she was also soft and genuine, very rare in people now and that in itself
gave her an appeal that I knew I was drawn to, never mind others.

“She came to me one day asking for a few days off.
Apparently,” he sighed and frowned again as if questioning the memory, “she was
getting married.”

“That suddenly?”

“Mmm, I remember about six months later Ben who was the
head of her department then came to me with some concerns about Bea, she’d
become withdrawn and timid. I had a word with her but she said everything was
fine and nothing else came to my attention about her until I heard she’d got
divorced a couple of years later.”

Knowing how sore a subject it was in my family, I braced
myself as my gut twisted with my next words. “I think he hurt her.”

He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes. “Have you
asked her?”

“No, just a feeling I get.”

He nodded then shuffled his body so he was turned towards
me. “Jay,” he placed his hand over mine and I looked up at him. “I love you,
you know that I do.” I nodded. “But I also know what you and your mother went
through with James. And I also know that it still haunts her even now.”

“What are you saying, Dad?”

“I dunno what I’m saying but I do know that you’re… you.
You can’t just bed Bea. She isn’t the type that will cope with…”

“Dad, come on!”

“No Jay. Be honest with yourself. You play around but
more than that, you… have needs that, and I’m not judging, that some women
can’t cope with. Beatrice Vine is one of those women.”

I cringed, shame heating my face as I looked away. “I…”

“Don’t apologise for who you are, Jay. You’re a good man
and both your mother and I are proud of you. But I know more than you think I
do. I know how your childhood haunts you and I know how you cope with that.”

“Dad...”

“No!” he said firmly. “I’m just saying that Bea won’t
cope with that. At all.”

“I know,” I admitted quietly, “and that’s why I’m
fighting… whatever this damn thing is. But…” I shook my head, “I dunno, she’s
just got this thing about her that I can’t let go of.” I blinked at him and
closed my eyes, unbelieving of my next words. “But
I know
without a
doubt that I don’t want to hurt her, physically or emotionally.”

“I know you don’t want to Jay,” he smiled, “But it’s a
question of if you
won’t
.”

We both blinked when Erin walked in with my mum, her
bouncing brown curls reminding me so much of my mother when she was younger,
but unlike my mum, Erin had a happiness in her eyes that had always been
missing from my own mother’s eyes.

“Dad,” Erin whined as she fluttered her eyelashes at him.
“Can you look at my car? It was jumping all over on the way here.”

He rolled his eyes but nodded. “Do I ever get a day off?”
he grumbled as he bent to kiss Mum on the head on his way out with Erin.

“You love being wanted!” she shouted after him as she
settled beside me.

“Always, Angel!” he reciprocated with a chuckle.

She turned to look at me and smiled softly.

“What?”

Her expression softened and she tipped her head. Then all
of a sudden she reached out and cupped my face gently. “You’re a better man
than you think Jay Carter.”

I paused, my throat tightening. The last thing I ever
wanted was for my mother to find out what a monster I was. “I’m not sure…”

“I am,” she stated adamantly. “Talk to her, Jay.”

“I… uhh…”

“Beatrice Vine?”

“How the hell?”

She laughed quietly. “I’m your mum Jay, I can see it in
you. I also know as a former abused wife that Beatrice is also one.” I
swallowed but she shook her head resolutely. “But I also see the fight in her
Jay and I see the way she looks at you. I know you’re scared and angry at what
you yearn for…”

“Mum, Christ, is there anything you don’t actually know?”

She shrugged. “Pi’s always been one I’ve struggled with.”

I smiled and nodded but the restriction in my chest was
becoming too much. I could feel the heartache pour from her and I shook my head
when she started to cry. “Please don’t.”

She coughed and smiled. “I know it’s still so raw Jay but
I can’t help you move past it if you’re unwilling to.”

“I’m not unwilling to,” I argued softly. “I just… I just
can’t seem to… shift from the damn nightmare inside me.”

“Sweetheart,” she whispered, “look at me. Look in my eyes
and see what’s there now. See what your father gave me back.”

I wiped her eyes and kissed her forehead, nodding. “I
know, I know.”

She grabbed my hand when I stood up. “Promise you’ll talk
to her.”

I shrugged and nodded. “It’s all I can do.”

“You’ll be fine.
It
will be fine.”

“I hope so.”

And I did. Yet something inside me was telling me to stay
away from Beatrice Vine, that I was no good for her. My demons would swallow
hers whole if I allowed them to take control. Usually the thought of setting
that side of me free, although it disgusted me, gave me an excitement that was
beyond anything, however Beatrice Vine had me wanting something I had never
craved before. Something that I swore I would never want. Something that scared
the motherfucking shit out of me.

Intimacy.