Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain (20 page)

[She speaks while fidgeting all around the stage.]

Oh, God! I love showbiz! The lights! The audience! The
curtain! The piano player ... whoever he is. But, no,
really ... he's terrific, he's just terrific. And speaking of
terrific: I feel terrific! How do you feel? Good. You know,
I recently played Carnegie Hall just like my Mama, Judy
Garland, did thirty years ago ... but better! Ahh! Ahh!
Ahh! Hello, I love you! Thank you so much for coming.
Touch me. Would you like to? Go ahead ... it's all right.
Goon.

[She reaches out to an audience member, then pulls
away sharply. ]

That's enough. Can I be serious for a minute? Okay.
You know, now that we're here together like this, I just
want you to know how truly terrific it feels so sing
one note the way I do. So when I get to the part of the
song where I sing AAAAAAAHHI IHH!!!! Do you know
the part I mean? Oh you do, you do! I love you! Both of
you. Well, we're going to sing it together, and it's really
terrific because-Oh! Oh! Ahh! Ahh! I have an idea! We
will have ... a practice! We'll have a practice! Now when
I count to three, we'll all sing together. Ready? One ...
two ... three ... AAAAAAAAHHHHHH}I!!!!!

[She is humiliated that no one joins in.]

Darlings! It was this close, but you see, in order for
this to work, all my darlings have to sing with me! You
see, all my darlings have to sing together [She giggles
nervously.] at ... the ... same ... time!

[She giggles even more nervously, then suddenly turns
threatening.]

Look, if you won't do it for me, do it for
Mama. Okay, ready? One ... two ... three ... AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIHFIHH!!!! Oh, that's
terrific. We'll sing 'em all, we'll stay all night!
AAAAAAAAAA I I H H H H H H!!!!!

In the 1980s, Broadway was in a bit of a slump. For aspiring performers like me, Forbidden Broadway was the perfect playground in which to sing, dance, and poke fun.
The show was a hit, and lots of big stars came to see it. We were thrilled to get the
chance to meet so many legends of theatre and film.

One of the oddest experiences I had was meeting composer Richard Adler. He had gotten wind that we were using the tune of "Hernando's Hideaway" from The Pajama
Game, one of the two shows he co-wrote with the late
Jerry Ross. Although music rights were always cleared for
our show, he felt that he had final approval on our parody.
A press kit was sent to him, and an invitation to the show
was extended. He declined and insisted that we come to
his home and do the number for him personally.

Roxie Lucas.

The parody was of Tango Argentino. I was dressed in
a black strapless gown with slicked-back hair, and I sang
and danced the tango with my partner, Mark Martino.
At the climax of the number, I spun offstage and was
replaced by a dummy dressed exactly like me; it was one
of those life-size blowup dolls from a porno shop, with
an O-shape for a mouth. Mark flung the doll around,
pounded it on the piano, and generally abused it before throwing it offstage. That's when I staggered back
on. This was extreme physical comedy, and we were a
bit apprehensive about doing the number in someone's
apartment.

On the appointed day, we all met at the theatre to get
into costume and pick up my twin. Hailing a cab on West 72nd Street when we were dressed like that, with a matching blow-up doll in our group,
was perhaps the silliest situation I've ever been in. But at Mr. Adler's apartment on
the East Side, the mood was serious. A grand piano dominated the living room, with
two leather-bound scores on top: The Pajama Game and Damn Yankees. Mr. Adler
pulled up a chair and we began. As he listened to the lyrics, he began to smile, and by
the end, he was laughing and grinning broadly. He loved it, and he invited us to stay
all afternoon. We had gotten his blessing.

Years later, when I was appearing in a revival of Damn Yankees on Broadway, Mr.
Adler came in as a consultant. I asked him if he remembered me, and with a twinkle
in his eye he said, "How could I forget?!"

In 1986-87, we were still playing at Palsson's, and it became apparent that there was
less and less on Broadway to make fun of. There just weren't many new musicals, due
in part to the AIDS crisis in the industry. For a while, we started our show by saying,
And now, Forbidden Broadway spoofs the hits of the 1985-86 season." The lights would
come up on an empty stage, and then go down again.

In 1985, Quilters had gotten a Tony nomination for Best Musical, and Big Riverwon
the award. That's not an inferior show; it's a very nice musical of Huckleberry Finn,
but it never really caught the public's imagination. This was also true of Edwin Drood,
but that show was great fodder for us. We were able to spoof the idea of the audience
voting for who the murderer was by having our audience vote on which star we would
murder. Almost every night, they wanted to see our version of Linda Ronstadt in La
Boheme as she sang to the tune of "Musetta's Waltz":