Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain (100 page)

[They try to chant like a cantor.[

[ They give up and switch to a very Protestant sound.]

"Harvey Fierstein Tries Tevye"

(Added later in the run)

[After "Cash-maker," HARVEY FIERSTEIN enters,
dressed halfas Tevye and half as Edna from Hairspray.]

HARVEY

Dear God-I mean, Jerry Robbins-you cast many,
many actors in Fiddler on the Roof. What would be so
terrible if someone such as myself, Harvey Fierstein,
got to play Tevye?

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WEAR DRAG,
FLOUNCE AROUND IN FEATHERS
WHILE I SING "L'CHAIM" ACTING CUTE.
JERRY ROBBINS, WAY UP THERE WITH GOD,
DON'T DECREE THAT CASTING ME WAS ODD!
I'D PLAY TEVYE BUTCHER THAN ROSEANNE
IF I WERE A MACHO MAN!

Oy! My throat!

"Bernadette Peters in Gypsy'

OFFSTAGE VOICE

Here she is, boys! Here she is, world! Here's Bernadette.

BERNADETTE

[She speaks directly to the audience.]

Hello, everybody. I'm Bernadette
Peters. Thank you. As you might
have heard, I'm currently starring
in a new revival of Gypsy. Would you like to see a little more of my Tony-losing performance?
Okay, here goes!

[She stammers.]

M-M-M-M-Merman ...

IShestammersagain.]

M-M-M-Merman ... Merman's gotta let go!

IA sign with the names of all the famous Manta RosesMerman, Roz, Lisa Kirk, Angela, Tyne, Bette, and Betty
Buckley - is lowered from the flies. The lights on the sign
flash angrily. BERNADETTE turns around and looks
horrified.]