For the Girls' Sake (25 page)

And she must. She must! She was so lucky, had so much, she wouldn’t be foolish enough to let herself ache for the little that Adam couldn’t give her.

"Did I tell you what Rose said today?" she asked with a smile so bright it felt brittle.

Without moving a muscle, Adam relaxed. Lynn sensed it with every fiber of her being. He had feared she would ask him something he couldn’t answer, or didn’t want to answer. Like,
Can I break your heart?
Or even,
Are
you
happy?

Instead she was deliberately reminding him of what they had in common: their children.

He laughed in the right places at her story, told one of his own, then commented on the book he was reading. The evening was ordinary, pleasant; outwardly both were comfortable.

After turning off the lights and going upstairs to bed, Lynn sighed and turned away from Adam as if already half-asleep.

They could be content, even happy, without both being deeply, passionately in love. And so she reminded herself again: enjoy what you have, be grateful for Shelly and Rose’s sake, and don’t grieve for what you can’t have.

Hot tears, falling silently, wet her pillowcase.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"C
OFFEE
,
SIR
?" The waiter accepted Adam’s nod and refilled his cup. "Our cheesecake is excellent."

Adam skipped the dessert; Lynn decided to indulge. The three partners in Adam’s firm were having dinner with their wives at a Portland restaurant. This was throwing Lynn in with a vengeance. She had never met these friends and colleagues, and both they and their wives had known Jennifer.

Now, amid general chatter as the others debated dessert, she touched Adam’s thigh and murmured, "I’m going to the restroom. Will you ask if they have herbal tea? I forgot."

"Anything but peppermint." He knew her tastes.

When she rose, Jillian, another of the wives, stood as well. "I’ll join you."

As Jillian passed Adam to follow Lynn, she leaned down and murmured in his ear, "I like her. You’re a lucky guy."

Erica, sitting on Adam’s other side, had overheard. With the other two women wending their way between tables toward the back of the elegant restaurant, she said, "I’m so glad this marriage has worked out for you, Adam. Ron told me the circumstances, I hope you don’t mind. It sounded like a prescription for disaster, and instead the two of you are a pair of lovebirds!"

Lovebirds?
Adam thought incredulously. Where had she gotten that idea?

"You do look happy," agreed her husband, who had been Adam’s best friend since university days. Ron Chainey was the only one here who’d met Lynn, as he’d been the best man at the wedding. "You’ve been keeping Lynn tucked away." His grin was wicked. "Now we know why."

Erica, a curvy redhead who was unapologetically plump, patted his hand. "I’m so glad, after Jennifer, that you’ve found someone."

"He always was a lucky guy." Ron aimed a mock punch at his shoulder.

When Adam failed to volunteer details about his married life, conversation drifted again. Eugene Warren, the third partner in their brokerage, wanted to complain about his clients’ demands for certain stocks, an old refrain.

Waiting for his wife to return, Adam couldn’t keep his mind on a discussion about business. He hadn’t seen Lynn in a dress more than a time or two. She was beautiful tonight, in a simple teal-colored sheath of rough silk. That glorious hair was anchored in a French roll on the back of her head, the tiny runaway tendrils appearing intentional.

When she’d twirled for his approval, she’d smiled impishly. "This dress is courtesy of your credit card, I must warn you."

“It’s stunning." Her legs went on forever. "
You’re
stunning," he amended, probably sounding as dazed as he felt. "Worth every penny, and a lot more."

"Why, thank you."

She sounded the tiniest bit breathless, which made him wonder whether it was so obvious that he would have liked to wrap his arms around her and pull her in for a long kiss.

Whatever else you could say about their marriage, the chemistry between them was good. Better than good. Incredible. No wonder they looked happy.

They
were
happy. He was reasonably sure she felt the same.

The old axiom echoed in his ears.
If it looks too good to be true, it probably is.

This was no time to adopt a pessimistic outlook, Adam thought in irritation. Just because life was good didn’t mean something had to go wrong. His arrangement with Lynn was giving them both what they wanted. How could that go sour?

Sure, you’re getting what you want,
an inner voice jeered.
You’re getting everything: a beautiful, caring partner, both daughters, all the trappings of a happy marriage. In return you’re giving...what?

Knowing he was being defensive, still he fired back,
The same.
Lynn wasn’t suffering here.

He wasn’t the only one who thought she was happy. Even these old friends had a similar impression. He and Lynn had everything going for them. The only part of a conventional marriage they’d skipped were the words
I love you,
and neither he nor Lynn needed them.

Deep in his brooding, he didn’t hear her footsteps. She was already pulling out her chair and saying, "Ooh. Look at that cheesecake" when he caught her scent. Adam stood and pushed in the chair after she’d sat. He hadn’t even noticed the dessert arrive.

"Thank you," she murmured, and began talking to Jillian across the table. Something about an art fair for children that was being held at a school.

"Face painting," Jillian was saying, "you know the girls would love that! Oh, and there’s always sand art and finger painting for the little ones, and origami. And swirl art!" She laughed. "Now, there’s a mess to clean up! But the kids have a great time. Do bring Shelly and Rose."

Adam wanted to kiss Lynn’s neck, right where those tiny wisps of auburn hair curled like miniature tumbleweeds. She had incredible skin, milky pale with just a hint of peach, like the redhead she wasn’t quite. He’d pull out the pins securing her hair one at a time, until the thick mass of curls tumbled into his hands and over her bare shoulders, and kissing her thoroughly. Her kisses were shy, not provocative. Sweet, as if they meant something beyond the moment.

One of the men asked him something about the Trail Blazers, Portland’s pro basketball team, and Adam answered, but as briefly as possible. Impatience barely in check, he waited for Lynn to finish her cheesecake.

As she swallowed the last bite, he tossed some bills onto the table and said abruptly, "We need to get home. Grandma is baby-sitting, you know, and it’s after her bedtime."

A wide smile spread across his buddy Ron’s face. "Uh-huh. Sure. It’s Grandma’s bedtime you’re worrying about."

"Shut up," Adam said amiably. He took Lynn’s hand and tugged her to her feet. "We’re newlyweds, aren’t we? We’re entitled."

They escaped only after a couple more minutes of razzing. In the lobby, Lynn shrugged into her coat when he held it for her. Neither talking, they went out into Portland’s usual chilly, damp night.

"
Are
you concerned about Angela baby-sitting?" she asked, as he unlocked the passenger car door for her.

He pulled her to him for a quick, hard kiss. "Nope. I got to imagining how much I was going to enjoy having you all to myself."

“Oh." He could hear her blush, if such a thing were possible.

On the drive home, Lynn agreed that she liked his friends, liked their wives, had indeed made plans to take Rose and Shelly to the art fair at the elementary school where Jillian served as PTA president. Yes, she thought she could be friends with Jillian in particular; did Adam know that she’d written a children’s book and was seeking a publisher?

Despite her willingness to answer direct questions, Lynn was rather quiet. It seemed to Adam that her voice was constrained. Maybe she was tired, he decided. Could be she’d been nervous about meeting his friends and was relieved it was over. Or she was anxious about leaving the girls with Angela. There were any number of reasons she might be a little distracted.

But on top of his earlier brooding, it bothered him that she wasn’t as open as usual, that she seemed to be doing some brooding of her own.

If it looks too good to be true...
The wail of a distant siren seemed to whisper just to him.

He had too many moments like this, when he felt as if he were balancing a dozen wineglasses on his nose like the Chinese acrobats he’d taken Rose to see last fall. Any misstep and he’d see them teeter, arc in slow motion through the air, shatter on the floor. Maybe it was losing Jennifer the way he had. He knew how quickly the rug could be yanked out from under you.

Especially when the only promises given were "I’ll try my best," and a more formal "I do."

At home her smile seemed forced, too, when Angela jabbered about the cute things Shelly said and how smart she was and wasn’t it nice that the girls loved each other like sisters?

"Thanks for baby-sitting, Mom." Adam kissed her cheek and managed to get her heading toward the front door. He walked her out to her car, thanked her ten more times, and stood with hands in pockets watching until the brake lights winked once and her BMW disappeared into the trees. Asking her to baby-sit had been Lynn’s idea; he had always waited in vain for her to volunteer. She’d agreed with such alacrity, he guessed she had
wanted
to be asked. Apparently he and she were two of a kind. Thanks to Lynn, his relationship with Angela and Rob was the best it had ever been.

More surprisingly, he’d realized recently that he was seeing more of his own parents, too. Just today, his mother had called to chat. She’d asked a few probing questions about his marriage, which made Adam wonder if Lynn hadn’t been right after all. His mother might care more than he’d suspected. These past weeks, they’d come to dinner several times and had Lynn, Adam and the girls over to their place. His mother had even given Shelly and Rose a tour of her studio! Adam was coming to the unwelcome conclusion that he had shut his parents out, not the other way around. He was lucky that Lynn was around to mend fences he’d evidently damaged in his clumsiness.

Lynn.
He locked the front door behind him, anticipation quickening in him. He could take his wife to bed. At last. There, at least, they were close, their moods invariably in sync. Physically, at least, she wanted to be close to him, he had no doubt about that much.

She’d left lights on downstairs but had apparently already gone up. Disquiet touched him. Was something wrong? Had somebody said something tonight that upset her? Why wasn’t she talking to him?

Irritably he asked himself why he was jumping to conclusions. Maybe she’d slipped upstairs to get ready for bed. He might find her waiting for him with a sweet smile. He just hoped she hadn’t let her hair down. He wanted to save that pleasure for himself.

Flipping off lights as he went, Adam paused in the upstairs hall, as he knew Lynn would have done a few minutes before, to step into the girls’ bedroom and assure himself they were both safely tucked into bed, healthy, their sleep untroubled. As he stood beside the bed, Rose’s eyes opened and she gazed sleepily up at him.

"Daddy," she whispered.

He bent down, cupped her face and kissed her forehead. "Mommy and I are home. You sleep tight, sweetheart."

"’Kay, Daddy," she murmured even as her heavy lids sank closed. After a moment of stillness, a small snore escaped her parted lips and she rolled away, nestling closer to Shelly.

Adam’s smile died when he reached his bedroom and saw Lynn. Her back was to him. She’d already unclipped her earrings and let down her hair. As he watched, she massaged her scalp, then ran her fingers through the curls and shook them out.

He stepped silently behind her and brushed his lips along her nape. She started, then bowed her head. The skin was so soft here. With his fingertips Adam traced the column of her neck. She sighed softly.

"Are you tired?" he asked. "You didn’t wait for me."

"I am tired," Lynn admitted.

"If you want to go right to sleep..." Hoping she’d say no, Adam nuzzled the curve between neck and shoulder.

She sucked in a breath. "I thought I would." Her voice was throaty, not much above a whisper.

Disappointment smacked him in the face, fear in the gut. She might just be tired. But what if it was more?

He straightened away from her. With determined civility, Adam said, "Then you’d better get right to bed. Would you rather I read downstairs for a while?"

"No." Lynn turned suddenly and wrapped her arms around his neck. "No, don’t go. I’m not that tired."

"If you want to sleep, it might be best..." The translation, he thought grimly, was,
I need to put some distance between us if I can’t be with you.

Her eyes were huge and dark, and he felt tension quivering through her. "You’ve changed my mind."

The disappointment evaporated like a cold sweat; the fear lingered. She tugged his head down to hers with a hint of desperation. Her mouth was needy.

* * *

T
HERE WAS NOTHING
romantic about what had followed, but he’d been past caring. Now, when he tried to wrap Lynn in his arms, she stiffened.

"I’m cold," she said in a small voice. "I think I’ll take a shower. If you don’t mind."

That brought his eyes open. "Why would I mind?"

"I’ll be back in a few minutes." She was definitely beating a retreat. A second later the bathroom door shut and he heard the shower start.

Sighing, Adam got up. He hung up his slacks and tie, draped the shirt over a chair, and pulled on his pajama bottoms. He brushed his teeth and splashed water on his face at one of the two sinks outside the bathroom. Leaving on the lamp at Lynn’s side of the bed, he switched off the overhead light and climbed into bed.

Her shower wasn’t a quickie. It ran and ran, as if she felt the need to scrub every inch of her body, or simply to let the hot water unknot the tension he’d felt. Guessing that she’d prefer it, Adam pretended to be asleep when she finally, quietly, came out. Water ran briefly in the sink as she too brushed her teeth. A moment later the mattress gave as she sat. The lamp went out, and she slipped in on her side of the bed, seemingly careful not to touch him.