For Nick (31 page)

Zach went to her and knelt in front of her chair, clasping their hands together. “Andie…I can’t make that decision for you. In order for you to be at peace with yourself, it has to come from you. If you listen to me or anyone else, you’ll resent them one day for influencing your decision. For selfish reasons, I don’t want that to happen.” Zach thought for a moment. “But I will say this. There’s no right or wrong answer here. You can’t possibly know for certain what will happen in the future. Whatever you decide will be what you thought was best at the time. You can’t play the ‘what if’ game or second-guess yourself. It will only bring heartache. You have to think of Nick and what she wants. What is best for her right now? What will bring her the most happiness in her short life?” He took a deep breath. “Have you asked Nick what she wants? She’s the most grown-up eight year old I’ve ever met. Her answer may surprise you.”

“Ask Nick?”

“Yeah, let’s ask her what she wants.”

“I don’t want to ask her. I think I know what she’ll say.”

“I think I do too. And as painful as it is, we have to respect her wishes.”

“I’ve made her suffer all this time because I don’t want to lose her,” she wailed and burst into heart-wrenching sobs.

“Don’t say that, don’t even think it. You’ve been her champion, fighting for her life. You even married me, a total stranger, just to help her. She’s the luckiest little girl in the world to have a mother like you, someone who would never give up on her, someone who would do anything because of her deep love for her child.”

Andie fell into his arms easily as he carried her to the couch. He held her till her crying subsided and she fell into an exhausted sleep. Zach watched her in quiet slumber, pondering over her words. Nick was an amazing child. She’ll know what she wants to do, he was sure of it. And whatever it is she decides will be the best thing for her. Zach wondered again at his grandfather’s shenanigans. Had he taken one look at Andie and known she was the one for him? He knew how much he’d regretted not having a family with Emily. Had Andie’s undying loyalty towards her daughter impressed his grandfather? Had he somehow known this was the kind of woman Zach needed in his life?

He’d never know the answer to that question. He didn’t need to. He already knew for himself.

After a long while, he carried Andie up the stairs, noticing that she felt as light as a feather in his arms. She’d lost too much weight lately and he worried over her health. Zach tucked her into bed, longing to climb into bed with her, but knew it wasn’t the right time. “I love you, Andie,” he whispered and wished he had the guts to say it to her face.

One day very soon, when the moment is right, I will tell her.

For now, I will simply show her.

“Nick, sweetheart, I need to talk with you about something very important,” Andie began, dreading this conversation. She and Zach flanked her hospital bed, holding her hands.

“Okay, Mommy,” Nick answered, looking up at them with trust in her eyes.

“I had a long talk with the doctor yesterday. He said the new medicine isn’t working to make you better. I know you’ve been feeling pretty yucky on this medicine and I wondered…”

“Can I stop the medicine, Mommy? I don’t want to take it anymore. It makes me feel sick and it makes the seizures come. I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Andie felt as though she’d just been sucker punched. “Nick…there’s still a chance it could work to make you better. If…if you don’t take it then…”

“I know, then I’ll go to heaven.” Nick held out her arms for a hug. “I’ll miss you, Mommy. I don’t want you to be lonely. Will you be okay?”

Andie was stunned by Nick’s words—completely staggered. Nick’s easy acceptance of the situation left her reeling. She didn’t want to do this anymore, she’d had enough. She’d only been enduring this for her. Tears poured down her cheeks as her precious daughter’s words sunk in. Nick was worried about
her
.

“Don’t cry, Mommy. You can have another baby.” Then, rather intently, she said, “I want a baby brother.”

Of all things she could request, this was the one thing they couldn’t give her. She didn’t have enough time to see it happen.

Zach smiled at her. “We’d love to give you a baby brother, Nick.”

“I’m serious. I want a baby brother.”

“Nick…” Andie began, feeling taken aback by Zach’s words. A baby meant intimacy, something that was sadly lacking in their lives right now. Did Zach feel they had a future together? In spite of her wandering thoughts, she said, “Even if I become pregnant, there’s no guarantee it will be a boy.”

“Yes, it will. I know it will. I dream of him sometimes. I see him in heaven waiting to be born. He wants to come and be your baby.”

Incredulous, Andie remained silent. Zach recovered first. “Well then, I guess we’ll be having a baby boy around here very soon,” he said lightly, clearly trying to underplay Nick’s request, perhaps hoping Nick would forget about this line of thinking.

“I’ll give him a big hug before he comes to you. I’ll tell him what a wonderful mother you are, Mommy.”

“What do you mean, sweetheart?” Andie asked, her heart racing in her chest.

“In heaven…before he leaves, I’ll give him a big hug. Then when he comes to you and you hug him, it’ll be just like hugging me.”

A tear made its way down Andie’s cheek. “Nick…”

“I’ll be in heaven soon, Mommy. And you need a new baby.”

Andie embraced Nick tightly. Sometimes she spoke as if an adult filled with the wisdom of age. She’d grown old before her time. “I only want you, Nick. Only you,” Andie told her mistily. Pregnancy didn’t seem likely to happen again, not when she and Zach were sleeping in separate beds. Nick’s words were so pure and innocent. It told Andie where her thoughts had been. Nick had been thinking about this. At eight years old, she’d already deduced what was happening to her…and she knew it was the end.

Andie was crying softly, so Zach took over. “Is this really what you want, Nick? To stop the medicine?”

“Yes. I don’t want to be in the hospital anymore. I’m sorry, don’t be mad. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Andie was trying desperately to put on a brave front, but she couldn’t stop her tears. “I’m not mad at you, Nick. I could never be mad at you.”

Zach took over again. “Nick…do you know what will happen to you if you stop the medicine?”

“Yes. I’ll go to heaven.”

Even Zach could no longer speak after hearing her innocent answer. They hugged, they cried, and they told Nick how much they loved her and how proud they were of her for being such a brave little girl.

Then Zach said, “I have an idea. As soon as you’re better, you know what we’ll do?”

“What?” Nick asked excitedly.

“We’ll go to Disneyland and ride every single ride in the park.”

Andie was astounded at Zach’s idea and Nick’s eyes widened. She smiled with glee and clapped her hands. “Yes. I’m so excited!”

“Then we’ll go to the Grand Canyon and go horseback riding,” Zach went on. “Then we’ll go to Hawaii and swim in the ocean with dolphins. Where else do you want to go, Nick? We’ll do it all.”

Andie’s eyes traveled from Zach’s face to Nick’s face. They were both getting completely worked up. Suddenly, there was color in Nick’s cheeks and she seemed somehow…energized.

“I wanna go to the movies and eat popcorn!”

Zach laughed. It was such a simple request. “You got it.”

Zach turned to Andie. “What do you think, Mom? Is it a plan?”

Her lower lip trembled of its own accord as she said, “Yes, it sounds wonderful.” They spent the afternoon excitedly talking about their ‘adventures,’ as Zach and Nick had quickly labeled their plans. It had been a long time since Andie had seen Nick so animated, so vibrant.

That night as they retired to their bedrooms, Andie hugged Zach fiercely. “Thank you, Zach. Thank you for making Nick happy.”

“Are you at peace with the decision?”

“Yes. It’s what she wants. She’s suffered enough. I can’t deny her this chance at happiness.”

It would be Nick’s last days on this earth and they would be happy days.

And she owed it all to Zach.

-25-

Andie reclined on the beach with her feet buried in the warm sand, while watching Nick frolic. Yes, frolic. It was an endearing sight. Zach held her in the water, helping her bodysurf with the waves. She squealed with delight, her smile so big it nearly covered her face from ear to ear. Andie smiled to herself. Seeing Nick happy made her heart soar.

With Zach close behind, Nick ran ashore, limping ever so slightly as she returned to the huge sandcastle she and Zach were building.

Andie sighed. Nick was so cheerful, so carefree; it didn’t seem possible that she was remotely ill.

February had been their month of ‘adventures.’ As soon as Nick had regained some strength, they’d spent one week at the Grand Canyon and two weeks at Disneyland. As promised, Zach and Nick rode every ride in the park. Andie pleaded for mercy and they allowed her to sit out some of the more crazy rides. While they made Andie motion sick, Nick loved them, the faster, the better.

Zach had purchased Mickey Mouse ears for each of them, with their names embroidered across the top. They’d worn them every day for two weeks as they explored Disneyland from top to bottom. Andie was still in shock that Zach would be willing to wear the silly looking hat, but he loved the darn thing. In fact, he and Nick occasionally wore them on the beach when they took a walk.

Sweet surprises.

Nick was doing so well it was hard for Andie to fathom that she wouldn’t live for another year and prove the doctors wrong. As soon as the drug therapy was stopped, Nick had become almost vivacious in comparison to how she’d been, coming to life before her very eyes. She slept for at least fifteen hours a day, but when she was awake, she was positively vibrant. In spite of the fact that she was anemic and tired easily, she wanted to do everything and experience anything, and she pushed herself till she could hardly hold her eyes open, only giving in to sleep when she absolutely had to. Thankfully, the constant ache in her bones and joints was relieved by a pain patch. The slight limp in her gait was the only reminder of her pain.

Later, she’d need something stronger, but for now it was working. It was the perfect time to go out and see the world—it was her only time.

Andie loved the house Zach had rented on the beach in Hawaii and they planned to stay there
indefinitely
. She knew that meant until they lost Nick, but indefinitely sounded so much more positive. Their first few weeks at the house were absolutely idyllic, the March weather cooperating beautifully. They’d spent their days lounging by the ocean, sunbathing lazily.

Courtesy of Zach, one wall of the house boasted a huge full-color framed portrait of Nick hugging a dolphin. Of everything she’d experienced on their ‘adventures,’ Nick said swimming with a dolphin was her favorite moment.

It was Andie’s favorite picture and she knew she’d cherish it forever.

Zach was amazing. He’d sat Charles and Andie down one day and demanded to know the extent of Nick’s medical bills. No doubt, he was staggered at the remaining amount. The million had gone a long way, but it still hadn’t been quite enough. But then, he took care of it. All of it. His medical insurance covered the rest. The relief Andie felt was beyond compare. There was no way she could’ve paid off Nick’s bills in this lifetime.

Zach also invited Charles to come along on their adventures, but Charles declined, saying he felt they needed some family time together, just the three of them. He asked that they give him a call when the end was near. Charles couldn’t face the long goodbye, and Andie didn’t blame him. It was a bittersweet time. She sent him lots of pictures and he basked in Nick’s happiness.

She learned new things about Zach every day. He was an amazing man who felt and loved deeply. Hence, his reaction to believing Andie had been cheating on him. Perhaps he’d overreacted, but there was a compliment hidden in there somewhere. If he hadn’t cared at all, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Right?

She simply wasn’t sure.

Further evidence of his compassionate nature was revealed by how long it’d taken him to get over his first wife, but Andie was impressed with his loyalty. His true feelings were often hidden behind his business persona. He’d learned to mask his emotions at a young age.

Andie found herself watching Zach at the oddest times. She watched the way he ran his hand through his hair, the way his fingers curled around his fork when he ate, the way his lips touched the glass when he drank, the way his fingers stroked his chin when he was deep in thought. She watched him buckle his belt, tie his shoes, and don his jacket. She watched his eyes move back and forth as he read a book and his lips curve into a smile when he watched a comedy on the TV. Every little nuance of touch and action became fascinating to her. Her eyes followed him, yearning for him. She longed to be the highlight of his life, the person who put the sparkle in his eyes. If only it were so. He was a compassionate man and she wouldn’t refuse what he was offering to do for her daughter. Sometimes she dwelled on those early days of their marriage, the days when they could hardly stand to be separated, almost unable to stop kissing and touching each other. She’d confessed her love for him, but the more she thought about it, she realized that he’d never said he loved her. He felt sorry for her and Nick. He was attempting to make amends for everything that had transpired. She appreciated the effort. She needed him right now. She couldn’t face the loss of Nick without him. He was her rock, her pillar of strength when she was emotionally weak. Still, she wanted to scream at him, what about now, Zach? What about now?