FOR MEN ONLY (9 page)

Consider times when you have actually been in the type of situation described in the previous question. Setting aside how you feel about your husband/significant other’s emotional support, how useful or valuable are his actual suggestions? [Choose One Answer]

Virtually all the data in this chapter point to one often-overlooked principle for a man who wants a happy relationship:
The person who listens well holds enormous power.

If we can learn to listen the way she needs us to, we have great power to defuse conflicting emotions, power to acknowledge and affirm—and yes, power to
then
help find solutions.

Most of all though, when you and I listen, we wield great power to tell the woman we care about most that she is truly loved. As one woman told us, “After a great conversation I just want to kiss him and tell him how very, very much I appreciate him.”

Physically, women tend to crave sex less often than men do—and it is usually
not
related to your desirability

T
his chapter will be the ultimate test of your manhood.

I’m going to ask you to do two things, and do them at the same time:

1. Think clearly

2. About sex

I’ve noticed, and probably so have you, that what us men do so well as separate tasks—clear thinking and sex—we routinely, embarrassingly, miserably fail at doing together.

As I found out after I got a full dose of the honest truth from about 450 women in Colorado. There I was, the only guy, listening while Shaunti presented what she’d learned about men while writing
For Women Only.
It was a weird and wonderful experience.

And here was the wonderful part—at least at first. During a lively question and answer session, almost
all
the questions focused on sex! I was so amazed at the ladies’ one-track minds, I could barely listen to the questions. Back home in Atlanta, my buddies and I were ecstatic at the idea that women really
did
want sex more than we’d thought.

Fast forward to Jeff and Shaunti doing in-depth focus groups of women for this book. I am over the weirdness by now, but unfortunately, the wonderful is no longer in sight. Instead, what I’m hearing doesn’t jibe
at all
with the good news I’d heard in the Rockies. Finally, I do my best to describe for these women the absolute obsession with sex among their counterparts at higher elevations.

The women stare at me politely. Then one breaks the news. “Well, um, since Shaunti’s book emphasized how central sex is to a man’s emotional well-being, the women were probably wondering how to handle their man’s requests.”

Okay
, I think to myself.
Cool. Nothing wrong with that!

She sees that clear thinking has yet to occur. “And it was
not
because they want sex so much,” she continues. “A lot of women don’t have that same need to
pursue
sex as much as guys do. So they were simply trying to figure out what on earth to do!”

In desperation, I shoot a questioning look at my wife. But Shaunti is already nodding. “I’m afraid so,” she says. “That’s exactly what was happening.”

The Big, Whopping Miss

How could I—a smart, married, and extremely likable man—have completely missed a full dose of the honest truth about sex from 450 women? And I hadn’t just missed it. What I had
thought
I heard was almost the
direct opposite
of what they were actually saying.

After spending hours going over surveys and listening to focus groups, I’ve come to believe that my big, whopping miss is pretty much what men do in marriages every day. We think male and female humans are the same creatures, only with different and nicely matching body parts. We assume we have the same sexual wiring. So when there seems to be a mismatch, we have no idea why. As one of my puzzled buddies put it, “If sex is free and it’s fun, why does she not want
lots
of free fun?”

“If sex is free and it’s fun, why does she not want lots of free fun?”

Now, we do know that in some marriages it’s the woman who is pining for more—one in four, according to our survey. So if you are in that situation, you are not alone. And of course some wives indicated that they and their husbands were happily on the same page—to the envy of all. But since we have limited space, we’re focusing just on the apparent majority of husbands that want “more and better,” and don’t know what to do about it.
^*3

Thankfully, solutions exist, and our research confirms good news for men who find themselves in that situation. In particular: Most women do care about what their man wants. And they
do
care about sex. And they
do
want great sexual relationships with their husband.

But to get there, we need to do that “thinking clearly” thing.

The Impossible Surprise About Sex with Her: “It’s not you…”

If you’re a typical married male, you probably want more sex with your wife than you get. But that’s not the end of the story. I know, because in Shaunti’s professional survey for
For Women Only
, 97 percent of men said “getting enough sex” wasn’t, by itself, enough—they wanted to feel genuinely wanted.

Men are powerfully driven by the emotional need to feel
desired
by our wives, and we filter everything through that grid:
Do I feel desired or not desired by my wife?
If we feel our wife truly wants us sexually, we feel confident, powerful, alive, and loved. If we don’t, we feel depressed, angry, and alone. And this goes way beyond the amount of sex we’re having.

But here’s where the first breakdown in communication comes between the average husband and wife. Our surveys showed a startling, hard-to-believe, but oddly encouraging truth for men:

While you want to be genuinely desired by your wife, her lower level of desire for sex likely has nothing to do with your desirability.

You might want to read that again. And if you think about it, that’s actually good news for the 99.9 percent of us who don’t look like Tom Cruise.

Here are the facts: Among survey takers who wanted less sex than their husbands, fully 75 percent indicated that it had
nothing
to do with his desirability, sexual prowess, or general studliness. In fact, of the remaining 25 percent, less than
4 percent
said their lower interest in sex was specifically because their husband was “not attractive or desirable”! (The hesitation of the other 21 percent primarily had to do with not anticipating pleasure, including for physical reasons.)

While you want to be genuinely desired by your wife, her lower level of desire for sex likely has nothing to do with your desirability.

One survey taker spoke for that whopping 96 percent of women when she said that the one thing she most wished her husband knew was “that just because I do not want sex as often as he does, I still love him deeply and find him very attractive.”

Look on the next page at the top three reasons (by a wide margin) that women gave for wanting less sex.

Our results show that although there certainly are factors that can be addressed, the frequency gap is usually
not
because a wife doesn’t desire her husband. In the great majority of cases, the cliché is actually true: “Look, it’s not you. It’s me.”

Answered by women who said they wanted less sex than their husbands.
^*4

The frequency gap is usually
not
because a wife doesn’t desire her husband.

If you’re still thinking clearly, your brain has ground to a halt on an apparent impossibility:
But I can’t imagine finding my wife very attractive, being in love with her, and not wanting to have sex with her often! So how could she be that way?

But remember, that’s guy thinking, and we’re trying to learn
her
thinking. For the moment, take a step away from that seeming impossibility, and let your driving question instead be:

“So if it’s not about me, what
is
it about?

“So if it’s not about me…?”:
Five Truths About Women and Sex

Shaunti and I want to relay what women around the country told us about their sexual wiring, and what they want to give—and get—from their man. These five revelations, should you choose to believe them, have the potential to radically improve this area of your marriage.

Truth #1. She has a lower sex drive than you—and she’d change that fact if she could.

Physiological fact #1: Experts explain that the average woman simply has less testosterone and other sexually assertive hormones than the average man, and therefore has less of an urge to
pursue
sex. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it, or won’t enjoy it once it’s happening, but just that seeking it out isn’t usually on her mind.

This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it, or won’t enjoy it once it’s happening, but seeking it out isn’t usually on her mind.

Most men know this fact, but—physiological fact #2—we forget it on a regular basis. Like every evening. We forget because we can’t really feel the truth of it, especially when she says or implies “no” the minute we show sexual interest. Admit it—analysis of physiological differences is not where your mind goes following another nonencounter.

So let’s step back and look at some implications of her physiology:

         
Lower level of sexually assertive hormones = less craving for sex

Not
no
craving, mind you, just
less
. It’s a fact, and we need to stop assuming it has something to do with
us
.

As several experts explained, this is a complex issue, but it boils down to the fact that there are actually two different types of desire. Where men have more testosterone-type hormones linked to “assertive” sexual desire, women have more estrogen, which is tied to what is called “receptive” sexual desire. Which means that they tend to be
available
, but simply don’t have as much craving to pursue it.
^*5
And recent studies have shown that a common form of birth control (the Pill) can reduce libido even further.

It doesn’t help that movies, television shows, and advertisements seem to imply that all women would be sexually charged bimbo wannabes if you were just enough of a stud.

On the survey, when we asked women what they most wished their husbands understood, one wife put it this way, “I want him to know I don’t love him less just because my sex drive isn’t as strong as his.”

         
Lower level of sexually assertive hormones = less likely to initiate sex