For Mac (31 page)

“Simply?” Branson straightened up suddenly. “This is a simple decision to you?”

The doctor softened his voice. “As a medical practitioner, who has sworn to do no harm, it is a simple decision for me. I look at Mac, and I can see that we’re not doing him any good. Continuously bringing him back from the brink of death might possibly be doing harm. In my opinion we’re prolonging suffering long past the patient’s ability to endure it. That, again in my opinion, might be why Mac’s heart is stopping so often. His body is giving out. He’s fought the good fight, but he doesn’t have any fight left, and his body is trying, repeatedly, to be released. We have the technology to continue to bring him back, over and over. But just because we can, does that mean we should?” He sat forward and continued. “I feel it’s my duty to tell you all your options, and I realize that this is not an easy idea for you. And that’s fine, Mr. Farrell. Branson. Whatever you decide is fine, and we’ll abide by that decision. I don’t want to talk you into something you’re not ready for, but it’s been over a year. He’s not going to make any progress at this point. I can say that with some certainty after these latest scans. His physical condition will continue to deteriorate.”

Branson was silently sobbing against Liam’s shoulder.

“Can we table this discussion for a while, Dr. Brooks?” Liam asked. He gathered Branson tighter, preparing to stand up with him.

“Certainly.” Dr. Brooks stood and moved around the desk. “I didn’t mean to upset you. Simply giving you food for thought.”

Liam helped Branson stand, and they left the room.

He couldn’t believe it. He had actually been thinking about Mac’s condition, about how far he had deteriorated, but he had never thought about doing something to end it.
Do I have the right to end things
? Branson thought.
Could I, even if I do?

Liam interrupted his thoughts. “Bran, you don’t have to do anything.” He reached over and laid his hand on Branson’s knee as they both sat at Mac’s bedside. “Things can go on like they have been.”

Branson thought about that for a while. “But I had just been saying that it wasn’t any kind of life for Mac.” He was rubbing his brother’s hand while he talked. “Mac would hate this, lying here so still all the time, not breathing on his own, probably not knowing who’s here or who’s not, not having any say in anything.” Branson looked at Liam. “What if the doctor is right? What if all the times Mac’s heart has stopped were Mac’s attempts at giving up, leaving, going to a better place.” Branson wasn’t sure he knew what he was trying to say. “What if Mac
wants
out, and I’m holding on to him for selfish reasons?”

“I think you have every right to try to hold on to him. I don’t think that’s selfish at all. You love him. You want him back. I think he’d understand that.” Liam scooted closer to Branson. “I wish the doctor hadn’t laid this on you. I understand why he did, and I see his point, but I don’t think you should have to—” Liam seemed to think better of finishing and started again. “I just wish this hadn’t come up right now.”

Branson nodded and looked back toward Mac. “Yeah, me too. But then, I wish the whole last year wouldn’t have happened.” But then he thought of how that might sound, looked at Liam, and quickly added, “I mean about Mac. The other stuff that’s happened this year, the stuff with
you
in it. I like that part. I just wish… shit.”

Liam chuckled and drew Branson into a hug. “I know what you mean. And, I’m really glad I met you, but I wish it could have been under better circumstances.”

Branson chuckled too, but he could hear the slight hysterical edge creeping into it. “Mac would have hated being responsible for bringing us together.”

Liam huffed a breath into Branson’s hair. “I bet he would have.”

Branson had been thinking something for a while now and wasn’t sure if he should actually express it to Liam. He decided to go ahead and say it. “You know,” he said, “I know it sounds nuts, but I can’t help but think that maybe the reason Mac is getting worse again, why maybe he’s giving up, is because I told him about us.”

Liam hooked his finger under Bran’s chin and made him look him in the eye. “You know that’s not true, right?”

Branson thought about his answer for longer than he probably should have had to. “Yes, I know it’s not true. Not really.” But then he added, “It still kind of
feels
true, though.”

Liam gathered him in for a hug, and Branson wasn’t sure what else to say about any of that.

Branson knew that Liam had been working when Mac had had his latest crisis, but he said he needed to be there for Branson and had called in a replacement. Bran hated the idea of Liam missing work for him, but he was glad Liam could be there with him. They sat there for the longest time but were finally interrupted by Andy and Amy entering the room.

“Hey,” Amy stated, as she marched over to Branson and gripped his shoulders from behind. “We got a call that Mac wasn’t doing so well.”

Branson looked up. “Yeah, you could say that.” He wasn’t sure how much to bring up to his friends at all, let alone in front of Mac. He finally decided he really wanted their input. But not here. “How about we all go down to the cafeteria for a while? I could use something to eat.”

Amy and Andy seemed to know that Branson wanted to talk without any possibility of Mac hearing, though they had long since given up any hope that he actually heard them anyway. They followed him and Liam to the cafeteria, and they each got a small snack and took a table in the back corner.

“Dr. Brooks talked to me earlier,” Branson began the conversation he didn’t want to have.

Amy nodded. Branson figured she probably had a good idea of where this was going. She was in the medical profession herself.

“He wanted me to consider pulling the plug,” Branson blurted, but then backpedaled when he saw Amy’s incredulous face. “Not that he put it like that. He also offered the option of issuing a DNR or doing nothing.”

“He shouldn’t have asked you to do that.” Andy was still upset on Branson’s behalf.

“Actually,” Amy countermanded, “I’m surprised he hasn’t had that talk with you earlier. Did he say what Mac’s latest brain scans showed?”

“Exactly what you probably expected.” Branson knew that Amy had thought Mac was probably brain-dead for a while now. Not that she would have ever said anything like that to him, but he had known her all his life; he could hear what she didn’t say.

“Brain-dead?” she asked quietly.

“Little to no brain activity,” Branson confirmed. “And that was before this latest episode.”

“Yeah, I guess the seizures alone would read as some brain activity. Though that’s not my field of expertise, so I’m not sure how that would translate on a brain scan.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Bran admitted, to himself as well as the others. “I’ve kind of figured for a while now that he was gone in all the ways that matter.” He dropped his head, not willing to look any of them in the eye as he said, “I guess I need to decide what I’m going to do with the knowledge.”

Amy covered Branson’s left hand with hers. Branson’s right hand had been captured by Liam as soon as they had started this conversation. “Had you and Mac ever discussed what he would want if something like this happened?”

Branson looked at her and wondered why she hadn’t asked him this sooner. He told himself that she had probably been trying to spare him any more pain than necessary. He had long since realized both of his friends were tiptoeing around him. “You know Mac. Nothing like this could ever happen to
him
. He thought he was invincible.”

“Sounds like Mac,” Andy put in, and when Bran looked at him, he seemed to know what Bran was silently asking. “He never said anything to me about it either. Topics like that didn’t come up.”

“Yeah,” Bran agreed, and they sat there for the longest time, pushing food around on their plates.

Finally Branson couldn’t stay quiet any longer. He really wanted to know. “What do you two think I should do?”

They seemed hesitant to give their opinion on the subject. Branson had never seen Andy reluctant to spout off his opinion at any opportunity, whether people wanted to hear it or not. He was a lot like Mac in that respect.

“I won’t necessarily take it. I just want more information before I make a decision.” Branson tried to address the fear he knew was keeping them quiet. “I’ve recently gotten better about making my own decisions. I would like some input. I don’t want you to tell me what to do.”

They stayed quiet for half a second more, then Andy apparently couldn’t stand it anymore. “He’s been gone for a long time, Bran,” he offered. “I don’t really think there’s much of Mac left. And I can’t think that Mac would want to go on indefinitely like this.”

Amy gave Andy a cross look but spoke to Branson. “I think it’s admirable the way you’ve handled this whole thing, Bran. You have never given up on him. You’ve never written him off and stopped visiting. You’ve kept him a big part of your life this whole time, and given him all your love, as always, in the hopes that he’d return to you… to us.” She squeezed the hand she was still holding. “And you know if there was any way for him to come back, he would have. Mac was totally devoted to you, despite having a weird way of showing it sometimes.” She faltered. “But I think if he was going to come back, he would have by now.” Her voice broke as she stopped dancing around the answer and just gave him her opinion. “I think… if it was my brother… I’d… let him go.”

Branson sobbed a single gasp and then tried his hardest to rein it in. Liam threw his arm around his shoulders and squeezed, and Amy gripped his hand even tighter.

Andy loaned verbal support. “And I think if it were me lying there… I’d want to be allowed to go.”

Branson turned his head toward Liam’s shoulder and sobbed again. Everyone sat frozen for a while until Amy finally broke the silence.

“That having been said”—she squeezed his hand to get his attention—“you need to make a decision
you
can live with. Don’t worry about what anyone else would do in this situation. Don’t even worry about what you think Mac would want. Do what
you
can live with. Because when it’s all said and done, you will be the one who has to live with the decision. Not me or Andy, and not even Mac.”

She had a point. Branson knew that. But he couldn’t help but try to put himself in Mac’s place, think about what Mac would have wanted. When he did that, he couldn’t believe he had let Mac linger in this condition for as long as he had. If he could have, Mac would probably have had his hide for keeping him like this, for not letting him go while he was stronger, while he still had any dignity left. Mac had always been all about dignity.

Had he kept Mac around so long because
he
wanted him there? Because he didn’t want to live in a world that didn’t have his brother in it? Could he really let Mac go, even though he was now pretty sure that was what Mac would have wanted?

He didn’t know.

Liam seemed to clue into his indecision. “You don’t have to be deciding anything now, Bran.” He hooked his finger under Bran’s chin and made him look him in the eye. “Nothing needs to be done right this moment.”

Branson knew that, he was glad of that, because he didn’t think he could make a decision right now. Not for the first time, he wondered how on earth Mr. J.’s son had made the same decision so quickly. And Mr. J. hadn’t even been having heart issues. Whatever decision he made, he knew he’d take his time making it. He knew that nothing needed to be decided right that minute. But he was grateful to Liam for reminding him of that anyway.

“Yeah.” He pulled his head away a little and looked at his plate. Liam and Amy let go of his hands, probably each hoping he’d actually eat. He made himself take a bite or two, but he really wasn’t hungry. “Yeah, I know.”

They went back to Mac’s room and sat quietly for a long while, all four of them. Finally, Amy and Andy said they needed to get home. Branson thought they’d probably decided they couldn’t take any more of the maudlin silence, more than that they had anything pressing to do at home. He understood, though. He was having difficulty with it too, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave yet.

Amy kissed Mac’s forehead before she went to the door, and Andy gripped his lax hand before joining Amy in the doorway. They both looked back before they left.

“Call us?” Amy asked. “When you make a decision?”

Branson nodded. He couldn’t bring himself to speak right then. He knew his voice would break if he tried. Liam seemed to pick up on this and answered for him.

“I’ll make sure you’re kept in the loop if Bran doesn’t feel up to making the call himself.” He looked at Branson, probably to make sure that that was okay.

Branson managed a tiny smile and nod and then leaned against Liam and turned his attention back to his brother.

Liam

L
IAM
HAD
watched Bran sit beside Mac all day long, with the exception of that short time in the cafeteria. Come six o’clock, Liam was beginning to worry about him. He’d stay there at Branson’s side until he was ready to leave his brother, but he really wanted to get Branson out of here—to get him something to eat, to get his mind off this weighty decision, if he could. He rubbed Branson’s shoulder and whispered into his hair.

“Do you want to stay until visiting hours are over?” He kissed his hair. “Or, can I convince you to come away with me to get something to eat?”

Branson sat there for so long without answering, Liam became even more concerned.

“Branny, answer me,
mo chroí
.” He hadn’t called Branson by any Gaelic nicknames, except maybe “dear friend” a time or two. But he found that Branson really was his heart, so the nickname that his ma and da used for each other seemed to flow from his lips without even thinking. “You’re scaring me, Bran.”

That seemed to galvanize Branson. He still didn’t answer verbally, but he covered Liam’s hand and leaned in closer. Liam figured Branson would let him know when he wanted to leave.