For Mac (18 page)

Branson had a ball, though. He liked them all. They were fun to be with, and the whole day was a much needed celebration of life. For most of the day, he was actually able to forget all his problems. He forgot that he was fighting an attraction to Liam, he forgot that he was trying to figure out who he was and how much of that he could actually accept, and he forgot about Mac. He forgot that his brother was hooked up to machines, had been for almost a year, and was being kept alive by those machines alone. He forgot that he was losing his brother bit by bit.

By the time Liam dropped him back off at his house, Branson was consumed with guilt for forgetting all of that. As soon as Liam drove off, Branson got into his car and went to see Mac. He still had about an hour before visiting hours were over.

Sitting by his brother’s bedside, he felt all the heaviness of his life come back. He wasn’t surprised. He hadn’t expected one day with Liam’s family to fix everything. He hadn’t really expected anything from the day, except maybe a couple of pleasant hours. He certainly hadn’t expected to feel as welcomed as he had.

He sat beside Mac’s bed and told him all about the day. How happy he had been. How happy he almost always was when he was with Liam.

“Mac.” Branson held his brother’s hand. “I don’t think you were right, man. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay. I know what Dad told you, and I know what you’ve always said, but you should see Liam with his family, Mac. They know he’s gay, and they love him anyway. He’s comfortable with them. He knows he can be just what he is, and he will always have their support, no matter what.” He paused, but found that he wasn’t finished yet. “All of them, Mac. You should see them. They all are so comfortable in their own skin. They have an emotional support system, not just financial support. They have nothing to prove to gain each other’s love and acceptance.” He didn’t know if he should say this next part but found that now that he was on a roll, he couldn’t stop. “We never had that, Mac. Not when Mom and Dad were alive, and not after either. I know you did your best. I know that deep down, you do love me, no matter what… but I always had to do things your way, Mac. I always felt like I had to please you, or you’d be gone… in one way or another. Well, look where that got me, Mac.

“You’re gone anyway, and I’m too damned scared to be myself. I found a man I could very likely be happy with for the rest of my life, but I can’t turn off twenty-four years of believing that it’s wrong to be attracted to men. How do I fix this, Mac?” Branson realized his voice was getting loud, so he tried to calm down and quieted his voice. “Mac, you know, part of me is still that little boy who has always tried so hard to please you. You were my hero long before you were my guardian. Once Mom and Dad were gone, you were literally all I had. I was afraid to piss you off for fear of losing you too. Part of me still is.” He lowered his voice even further. “Mac, as stupid as it sounds, part of me is afraid that if I act on my attraction to Liam, you’ll leave. Like that makes any sense at all. I know, intellectually, that nothing I do can make you stay or cause you to go. That part of me is pretty sure you’re gone already. But still, that other part is there, and if I act on this thing, and then you do… leave… I’ll have to live with that small part that will think I caused it.” He fell silent for a long time, then finally whispered, “What am I gonna do, Mac?” He shook Mac’s arm. “Wake up, Mac, and tell me what to do.”

He sat there for a long time, so deep in his introspection that he didn’t know how long it was, lost in his thoughts, in his guilt, in his worry, in his fears. He was brought back to the moment when Mac started to convulse. The nurses had told Branson on the way in that Mac had had a rough day. It had actually caused more guilt at the time, but Branson had been so lost in his declarations to Mac and then in his thoughts, that he had forgotten that. So he was surprised when Mac’s seizure didn’t immediately subside. It was another bad one. Nurses rushed in, as did the doctor. Mac had already had several grand mal seizures that day, and the on-call doctor had stayed on-site after the last one, a half hour before Branson had arrived.

Bran moved out of the way and let them work, but the heart monitor started that high-pitched squeal again. Branson decided that that was the worst, most hated noise in all the world. He was frozen. As always, he couldn’t leave the room, though he knew he should. The staff pushed around him but didn’t spare him enough time to actually try to move him. By now it was a familiar dance of hospital staff and machines around Branson’s unmoving form. This had happened so often, there had become a sort of routine.

The sound seemed to go on forever. He watched, dumbfounded, as they used the paddles again and again. The seizure had subsided by now, of course, but so had everything else. Mac had voided and defecated, and Branson knew that wasn’t good. To give the staff their due, they weren’t giving up on him. After what seemed like forever, the heart monitor started making its usual measured be-beep instead of that god-awful wail. Bran still stood rooted to the spot. His brother was back. He hadn’t left him. He hadn’t deserted him because he was gay—or for any other reason in Branson’s addled mind. Mac was still there.

But Branson was beyond reason right then. When he could finally move, he ran out of the room and down the hall. He wasn’t sure where he was going. He ended up going into the bathroom and locking the door. He vaguely heard knocks and shouts, but he didn’t answer. He sat in the corner and curled in on himself, holding his knees tightly against his chest. He laid his head on his knees and rocked as he sobbed.

The next thing that he noticed was Liam sitting on the floor in front of him, gripping his arms and calling his name over and over.

“Branny.” Liam’s voice sounded desperate. “Please answer me. You’re scaring me here, bud.”

Branson finally focused his eyes and met Liam’s. “What are you doing here?”

“Kathy called me.” Liam sighed in relief. “It’s almost nine o’clock, Bran. Kathy and a few of the other night nurses have been trying to talk to you for over an hour. Kathy saw how upset you were when you ran into the bathroom. They knocked on the door and tried to get you to answer, to let them in or to come out. When you had been in here for over twenty minutes, not answering at all, they got the doctor to use the key and come in to check on you. He was the only male on the floor, and they wanted to make sure you weren’t indecent or anything. When he came in, he found you here in the corner, rocking, and you seemed to be in some kind of trance or something. You wouldn’t talk to anyone or look at anyone. They finally called me and hoped I’d have better luck.” When Branson said nothing in reply, only dropped his head, Liam continued. “I know Mac has had a bad day, ending with that horrible incident while you were there. And I know you well enough to know you’re probably blaming yourself for some reason, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”

Branson sat quietly for a few seconds more and then finally responded. “I had fun today.” When Liam obviously didn’t understand, Branson continued. “How could I do that, Liam? He’s lying here dying, or already dead in all the ways that count, and I’m out having fun? He’s been having grand mal seizures all day, and they didn’t call me. And I didn’t give it one thought that I should be here instead of with you. That’s not right. How can I do that? How can I—”

“Bran.” Liam hooked a finger under Branson’s chin and made eye contact with him. “You deserve all the happiness you can find. You didn’t die in that accident. You didn’t cause Mac to be in this condition, and I can’t imagine your brother would really want you to feel like this for being able to set things aside for one day and be happy for a while.” When Branson didn’t answer, Liam continued. “And if Mac
would
want that for you, then he’s not really someone you should be trying to please.”

“He…,” Branson started, but then stopped, not knowing what to say to that.

“Come on, Bran.” Liam stood up and offered Branson a hand. “Let’s get out of here so these fine nurses can do their job and not have a collective heart attack worrying about you too. Let’s go to your house, and we’ll talk further. I’m driving, so don’t bother with your keys. You are not going to drive in this state. And we can figure out everything when we get there, okay?”

Branson began to argue. “I need to be here, in case that happens again. I can’t
not
be here if….”

Liam answered quietly, “I’ve already made them swear they’d call us if anything changes. They thought they were doing a good thing letting you have fun for a change, and before this last time, Mac’s heart hadn’t actually stopped, he’d only been having seizures. That wasn’t anything new. They didn’t think it was call worthy. They know better now. They’ll call if anything at all happens. Okay?”

Branson didn’t know what else to do, as long as they would actually call him, so he accepted Liam’s hand, stood, and followed him out of the room. He didn’t even remember to tell Mac good-bye.

Liam

T
HE
DRIVE
home was silent. Branson was obviously lost in thought, and Liam was lost in worry. As soon as they got to Branson’s house, Liam opened the car door and bundled Branson out of the car and up the walk to the front door.

When Branson only stood there, Liam asked, “Where are your house keys?”

Branson handed them to Liam without comment, without looking up.

By the time Liam got Branson into the house and seated on the sofa with a cup of what Liam hoped would be soothing tea in his hand, Liam was getting worried for his friend all over again.

“You want to tell me what happened?” he asked as gently as he could. “In the bathroom, I mean. Your not hearing or answering anyone.”

Branson sat there for a second, but as Liam was starting to think he was back in the trance or whatever it was, Branson finally spoke. “I’m not sure.”

Liam waited for a more complete answer, but none was coming. “Branson, you were gone. You weren’t responding to anyone, not even to me for a little while.” He hoped that would spur Branson to say something, but it didn’t. “The medical training in me jumps to the possibility of absence seizures, but it didn’t really look like one, and it lasted way too long. The only other time I know of that you did something like that was when you were sitting in the bathtub with that damned gun.” That brought Branson’s head up, but Liam wasn’t finished talking. “Are you suicidal again, Bran?”

“What?” Branson finally spoke. “No!”

“Then what the hell was that?”

“I really don’t know.” Branson’s voice was quiet. “I don’t do that often, but I never know I’m doing it, so I don’t know why either.”

“You’ve done that more than the one other time?” Liam had to know more about this.

Branson nodded. “Maybe four or five times in my whole life… but yeah, I have.”

“Can you tell me when?” Liam’s voice was gentle but still worried.

“The first time I remember was when Mom and Dad died,” Branson started his list. “Once when a friend of mine died in my sophomore year of high school. Mac brought me out of both of those and yelled at me for moping around like a two-year-old.” He took a breath and then continued. “Another time right after the fiasco with the girl down the street, and then a couple of weeks later with the gun. Then no more until now.”

Liam sighed in relief. “So after traumatic events mostly. That explains why it happened tonight. Sort of, though Mac has had close calls before, and you didn’t respond like this.”

“I don’t know.” Branson dropped his head. He couldn’t hold Liam’s gaze any longer. “Maybe because I didn’t have anyone with me this time. Maybe because I felt like I caused it, because I forgot him today, because I challenged him about the homosexual thing. I don’t know.”

“How would you have caused it?” Liam wasn’t sure where Branson was going with this. “Make me understand that, Bran.”

“If I forget him, if I go on with my life like he wasn’t there, especially if going on with my life means I forget what he’s always told me, what he’s always wanted me to be.” Branson paused. “I’m afraid I’ll lose him completely.”

“You think Mac will die if you don’t sit by his bedside and depress yourself into not having a life? Or if you decide to have the life you want, instead of living it for Mac?”

Branson nodded.

Liam moved closer, to look more intently into Branson’s eyes, and asked, “You know that sounds a little crazy, right? You don’t have that kind of power, Bran. Whatever happens to Mac is going to happen whether you are happy for a few moments or not, or whether you ‘decide’ to be gay or not.”

“I know, but….” Branson dropped his head, and Liam gathered him into his arms.

“Bran, life has really done a number on you, hasn’t it?” Liam held Branson’s head close to his shoulder and dared to place a kiss on the top of his head. “Oh,
chara
. You don’t have to take the world on your shoulders, Bran. Not everything is your fault. The world isn’t going to crumble if you have a little fun, and it certainly isn’t going to stop if you’re finally true to yourself.”

After a long silence, Branson spoke quietly, “But the reason I had so much fun…. Mac wouldn’t like that at all. I had such fun because I was with you. Because I imagined that your family was actually mine, a family that would love me no matter who I was, no matter who I loved, because I let myself imagine that it could be that way for the rest of my life, if I let myself be with you.”

Branson hadn’t pulled away, and Liam wasn’t about to let go until he did, so he chanced another kiss on the top of his head. “It could be like that for the rest of our lives… whether you’re with me or if we’re just friends. Me family loved you, Bran, and they think that all we’ll ever be is friends. So if you’re making that contingent on us becoming more… don’t. You will have me and me family in your life as long as you want.” Branson was stiff in his arms but wasn’t pulling away, so Liam began to rub his back. “I don’t know how to convince you that I’m okay with being friends, will always be, if that’s what you want. Nothing I do, none of the time I’ve spent with you, is to try to convince you to give more. It’s really not. I love being with you. It doesn’t ever have to be more than that.”