For Every Evil (29 page)

Rudy didn’t smile. “Meaning?”

“Look, you have to understand one thing. You’re like someone from another planet. That’s what threw me at first. Every time I assumed I knew what was going on with us, I’d change my mind. You had me completely confused, and
that
doesn’t happen very often. I realize, because of your background, you’ve got lots of spiritual questions to come to terms with, but I also know it’s more than that.” He hesitated. “Come on, Rudy. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Abruptly, Rudy began making himself a sandwich. His movements were jerky, his face tense.

“You can’t hide forever. Your will to experience life on your own terms is too great. We’re a lot alike. You don’t want to live someone else’s dream. You want your own. It’s what made you leave your home in Montana and come here. You broke with everything you’ve ever known, Rudy. That took a great deal of courage. You may not believe this, but I know what that feels like. Not the religious part. I was never religious. But I left home, too. Many years ago. I know what you’re going through.”

Rudy’s face flushed. “You couldn’t possibly,” he said, slapping the top piece of bread over the cheese.

“But I do,” said John, taking hold of Rudy’s arm. “When are you going to say it out loud? After the first time, it gets easier.” He paused, waiting. Finally he said, “You’re gay, Rudy. So am I. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Carefully, Rudy placed the sandwich on the side of the tray and pushed it away. “I — I don’t understand how you knew.”

John smiled. “Radar.”

“Huh?”

“I thought I knew the first time we met. Normally, I’m not so shy about introducing the subject, but I guess I was afraid. I wasn’t completely sure, and I didn’t want to scare you off. I enjoyed talking to you when I’d come to the gallery, liked the way our friendship was developing. Later, even though I still didn’t understand how your background fit into your life now, I did see what was happening between us. That was unmistakable.
Have
I scared you off?”

Rudy stared into the fire, his body trembling. “No.” Tentatively he reached for John’s hand.

John held on tightly. “Good,” he said, his voice gentle.

“But … I mean …” He let his head sink forward. “How am I ever going to tell my mother? The night the police searched my room, I was terrified they were going to find those … magazines.”

“Gay magazines?”

Rudy nodded. “And then, of course, they did. Cross thought it was hilarious. Thank God he didn’t say anything.”

John had suspected it was something like that. Rudy had been so upset that night, almost beside himself with worry. “Rudy?”

“What?”

“Maybe it’s none of my business, but I know you can trust Sophie and Bram. As a matter of fact, I think you’re pretty lucky. They both have gay and lesbian friends. I asked Kate and she confirmed it. They’re not remotely homophobic.”

Rudy raised an eyebrow. “It’s one thing having
friends
who are gay. It’s another having a gay son.”

“Maybe. But in this case, I think you’re wrong. You have to realize, you’re not home in Montana anymore. You don’t have to hide what you’re thinking and feeling. There are people here you can talk to — people who won’t condemn you. But,” he added, “I do think you may have a harder time with your father.”

“Lord!” whooped Rudy. “Don’t I know that. I had to get away from him just to get my head straight. I don’t believe the same things he does anymore, but even so, I can’t chuck every moral precept I’ve ever been taught. I don’t know how I’m going to defend my sexuality — biblically, I mean. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on about what the Bible has to say about homosexuality. It doesn’t look good.”

John nodded. “I’m sorry. It’s not a problem for me, so I don’t know much about it.”

“Well, it is for me.” His jaw set angrily. “But at least I don’t think it’s a sin anymore. I never really could bring myself to believe that. In some very fundamental way, I’m much more afraid of my father than I am of God. Afraid of his anger, of disappointing him. I just wish there was a place for me somewhere within Christianity. If there is, I haven’t found it.”

“I think you should keep looking,” said John, squeezing his hand. “I’ll help all I can.”

Rudy’s eyes filled with tears. “John, I — you’re so important to me.”

“I know,” said John, smiling tenderly. “You are to me, too.”

“Promise you won’t give up on me just because I’m weird.”

“I happen to like weird.” He glanced at the jawbone of a moose and two rabbit skulls resting against the side of the fireplace. “Don’t worry. I’ll be the solid, sensible one in this relationship.”

Rudy followed his gaze. “Right,” he said, shaking his head and smiling.

It was nearly midnight by the time Sophie arrived home. As she pulled her car into the drive, she noticed the lights were off in the upstairs bedroom. The study was also dark. Bram must have finished his evening with Ingrid Bergman and hit the sack. Drat. She needed to talk, to unwind and process what had happened today. Oh, well. It could wait until morning. She switched off the motor, climbed out of the front seat, and headed for the back door.

Dragging herself up the steps, she realized she was beat. Even the prospect of a good night’s sleep wasn’t enough to put the events of the last few days into perspective. On that depressing note, she turned the key in the lock and entered die kitchen.

“Hi,” said Rudy, holding up his mug in greeting. “I thought I heard your car.”

Sophie nearly dropped her briefcase. He’d been avoiding her for so many days, seeing him now, sitting so casually at the kitchen table, she was at a complete loss.

“Care for a drink?” he asked, nodding to the carton of chocolate milk next to him.

“Don’t mind if I do,” she answered, without missing a beat. She couldn’t let on how surprised she was. Quickly she removed her coat, grabbed another mug from the cupboard, and sat down. The room was dark, except for the small hood light above the stove. She assumed he was waiting for her. No other explanation seemed reasonable. “So,” she said, making herself comfortable, “did you just get home?”

“About half an hour ago. John and I had dinner together over at his apartment.”

He
had
been waiting for her! She poured herself some milk. “I haven’t … seen you in a while. How is everything?”

He stretched, leaning back in his chair. “School’s fine. I’ve got a paper due next Monday. And I’ve been pretty busy at the gallery. Kate’s been too occupied with other things to get much framing done, so she asked me if I’d put in some extra time. She even gave me a key so I could work after hours.”

Sophie nodded. “And how about
you
?”

He took a sip from his mug, turning it around several times in his hands. “Okay, I guess. Actually, John and I had a long talk tonight. He helped me make a decision.”

She could feel the muscles in her neck tighten in anticipation. “About what?”

Rudy looked down. “He told me I should trust you.”

Sophie’s heart beat faster. She knew this might be the breakthrough she’d been waiting for. It was terribly important how she responded. But how
should
she respond? “You
can
trust me, Rudy. John was right.”

His set his mug down. “I hope so.”

“What’s this decision you came to?”

“I want to tell you … something important.”

She waited, her fingers knotting together under the table.

“See … Mom, the thing is —”

“Yes?” she said, sensing he needed her reassurance before he could continue.

“I guess there’s no easy way to do this other than to come right out and say it.”

Why was this so hard for him? Did it have something to do with Hale’s murder? Was it possible — could he know more than he was telling?

“What I want to say is … I’m gay.”

She blinked. “What?”

“I’ve known ever since I can remember. Dad would never have understood. That’s why I left.”

Instinctively she reached for his hand. In the brief moment their eyes met, she saw what his life must have been like during the years of their separation. All the anger and sadness she’d ever felt came rushing back to her. “Oh, sweetheart,” she whispered, her eyes brimming with tears, “surely you know that’s not a problem for me. I’m sorry this was so hard for you.”

“You really don’t care?” he said, his eyes opening wide.

“Why should I care? I want you to be happy! If that happiness comes from loving a man, that’s fine.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “John said you’d say something like that.”

“Rudy, listen to me. I don’t believe being gay is wrong, or sinful, or evil. I don’t even think in those terms anymore.” She could feel him pull away. What had she said?

“That’s exactly what you don’t understand,” he said angrily. “I can’t ever turn my back on God the way you have. I can’t just chuck it all.”

“Is that what you think I’ve done?”

“Haven’t you?”

“And you think I expect you to make the same choices?”

He nodded. “More or less.”

How did these things become so confused? “I suppose, in your eyes, it might look like that. You’re right. I’m not a Christian. And I’m not going to apologize for that, any more than I’d ask you to apologize for being gay.”

He looked down at his hands. “You tossed your religion out the window, Mom. I’m … relieved that you don’t have a problem with my sexuality, but the
reason
you don’t
is
a problem for me. I can’t do what you’ve done. I have to understand my life within the context of my beliefs.”

“So do I!” She paused for a moment to regroup. Losing her cool now wasn’t going to get them anywhere. “Look, this isn’t going to be a one-time conversation. For each of us to understand where the other person is — how we reached the point we’re at — is very complex. But rest assured, my spiritual life is every bit as important to me as yours is to you. I don’t expect you to be a mirror image of me, of my values and beliefs, just because you’re my son, and I hope you don’t expect me to mirror you. We’re separate people, Rudy. We get to live our own lives. But we’re also a family. As a parent, I want to support you. I want to be there for you when you need my help. And most of all, I want to love you. I haven’t had the chance to be a mother since you were
six.
From my standpoint, that religion you’re so quick to defend has caused a great deal of pain.”

“I know,” he said softly. “I don’t really understand that. It’s not the way it should be.”

“No, it’s not. And I’ll be damned if I let any religious dogma divide us now that we’re so close to having the relationship I’ve wanted for so long. Of course you have to be free to believe what you want, Rudy. Just don’t shut me out.”

He stood and moved to the counter. “I never wanted to shut you out. It’s just … I’ve had so much to think about since I moved here. I don’t know where things fit anymore. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode.”

Her heart went out to him. She knew what he was going through, even though he would never concede that she understood. She’d gone through a similar process herself many years ago.

“And with this murder investigation,” he continued, “I wasn’t sure what you thought of me. I didn’t kill Hale, Mom. I have no idea who did.”

“I know that!”

“Do you? Do you really believe me? After all, we hardly know each other. I wouldn’t blame you if —”

“Stop it,” she insisted. “I’ve never doubted your innocence.”

He slumped back into the chair. “I just wish the police would find out the truth. Then my life could get back to its normal chaos.” The edges of his lips curled into a slight smile.

Sophie smiled back. “We’ll figure it out. It’s just going to take some time.”

“Yeah. John said you’d been doing some snooping.” His expression relaxed. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” She paused, not sure how he’d take the next question. “Rudy? Why did you lie to the police?”

He hung his head. “This is such a mess.”

“Explain it to me.”

“Well,” he said, folding his arms over his chest, “the night of the party, Bram was introducing me around to a bunch of your friends. When I looked up, John was gone. I searched, but I couldn’t find him anywhere.

That’s when I got the idea to look outside. I stepped out the back door and almost immediately heard what I thought was a gunshot. It seemed like it had come from the gate house, so I took off running. The front door was unlocked.”

“Unlocked or ajar?”

He thought for a minute. “It was open slightly. Like it hadn’t been shut all the way.”

“Good. Go on.”

“I raced up the stairs and that’s when I found Hale’s body. He was completely still. Somewhere in there I heard a door slam. I looked up and saw the back stairs. Mom, you have to understand. I was terrified John had done it. I know it didn’t make any sense, but that’s the first thing that came into my mind. I was paralyzed with fear. Then, without thinking, I just bolted down the back stairs. I kept calling John’s name. When I got to the bottom, I looked outside and saw a woman going in the back door of the house. I wasn’t lying about that. Maybe she was the murderer!”