For Adriano (9 page)

In hindsight, I also let him use me as I used him. I used him for protection. Somehow, I felt I was always safe with him, until a few weeks before I disappeared. We had already been drifting away from each other for weeks, and we were heading toward a collision that broke us indefinitely.

Only once did I have the courage back then to ask him if he felt anything more for me. It was one morning while he was getting ready for work after a night with me in our private room. It was the only time I asked him for more; and he wasn’t even surprised by my confession, yet his answer shattered my heart into a million pieces.

“Love me and all of my flaws. I’m far from perfect, but love me nonetheless,” I say in an uncertain voice.

“It’s not that I can’t – I won’t, Cam. I won’t bring you into my world.”

This was the turning point. Even during my imprisonment, I never felt as bad as with his blatant rejection, because back then, I was numb from heroin injections. Somewhere, I was grateful for the drugs since they made me forget a lot about those five months. I blacked out so often – that was my saving grace. But Adriano’s rejection was received loud and clear in my mind. That day, I decided to stop our dysfunctional relationship. Perhaps if I’d had the courage to ask further and communicate more, I wouldn’t live with so many regrets nowadays. It’s true what they say, it’s better to regret something you’ve done, than to never even try.

CHAPTER 8

Adriano

The three of us stare into the distance in James’s office. Henry, James, and I, all at our wits’ end about how to locate Cam.

James speaks up first from behind his desk. “We need to go back to the beginning, which is Club 7. Someone at that club knows something more. We need to bypass Fat Sal.”

He’s right; it’s our only chance to retrieve new information. Luca and I discovered Cam used to work at Club 7. And not Club 7, the legal dance club, but the underground fight and sex club – where medieval fights and all forms of sex take place – one of the creepiest places I’ve ever seen. The problem lies in gaining access to that area of the club. We do have a working relationship with Fat Sal. He buys batches of drugs from the Syndicate, but I don’t trust him. So far, we’ve never had any conflicts, yet he hasn’t been helpful in finding Cam.

Cam’s scars and the fact that she worked at the fight club are related; I’m positive of that. She’s been through so much more than I’d ever thought possible.

I’m done playing it safe. “We need to speak with a high ranking soldier on Fat Sal’s team. The lower ranks won’t have anything we don’t already know.”

James nods an approval and tells Henry, “Damian’s going to contact you with a name to track this afternoon. You can go.”

“I’ll be ready for his call.” Henry adjusts his glasses as he says goodbye.

After the door closes, James tells me, “Instruct Damian to locate a first soldier. You have carte blanche for interrogations if you think he’s withholding.”

He just gave me permission to torture a first soldier however I see fit.

His fingertips drum on the desk in agitation. “I want her here and safe,” he confesses.

“Me too.” I’m already typing Damian a text with orders.

Damian answers that he’s working on it now. “Damian will have someone soon. He works fast.” I might not always like the guy, but he’s been a good soldier and a decent member of this Syndicate.

“Good,” James comments. “I want you to contact me the second you find out anything.”

“Si.”
Yes. Then I remember that I also need to contact Luca and inform James about the issue at Security Simplicity. “I’m going to call Luca to return.”

His stunned gaze is fixated on me.

“I’ve got a problem at Security Simplicity. Money’s been disappearing, large amounts. My financial director is investigating it as we speak. I need Luca to oversee SS so I can focus on Cam.”

James’s eyes narrow; he knows that Cam and I had a more-than-friendly relationship. He didn’t like it back then, and he’s forbidden it now. Before, he hadn’t told us she was his daughter, but since he doesn’t need to keep it a secret anymore, I’ve been told she’s off limits.

“How bad is it?” he asks.

“More than a million dollars.”

“We’ve got a huge shipment coming this weekend for Sal’s club. It will mean a lot of cash to transfer and whitewash.
Consigliere
Salvatore and I are already pumping too much into our own company because of your company’s decreasing profits,” James explains.

“I’ll have exact numbers later today. Until then, I have no answers for you.”

With a cursory nod, he accepts the current situation. “I’ll contact Salvatore. We meet as soon as Luca’s back.”

“I’ll call you later.” And I go toward the strip club’s private room where Cam and I spent our first night.

I enter the room and shift to the king-size bed. Leaning against the post, I run my hands through my hair, clasping my fingers behind my head.

Memories of the morning after we had sex for the first time wash over me, stabbing me with desire. I can see Cam lying on the grey sheets with her long legs wrapped around my middle as I push into her, and she thrusts her hips to meet me.

I left hurriedly because of work, which was true. And she wouldn’t leave my mind that whole day. Before, when I fucked, I was done with a woman. They knew, and they accepted it. But Cam captivated my thoughts, and I lost it when I discovered she went home with Damian. I never told her, but that was the main reason for my distance those few days.

Still, she dismantled my determination to never associate with a non-Syndicate related woman. I told her the truth; that with too many unknown factors, it was a risk to be with me. That was her confirmation that I was a criminal, but it didn’t push her away. That was caused by my own stupidity.

When I’d see her or see someone else talking to her, a possessive urge took over, and I’d always yield. And she’d let me; she’d allow me in again.

But when feelings became involved, it was a mess. With her, it wasn’t only sexual. If I could only hold her, it would be enough. I wasn’t used to explaining or defending myself, and even coming from Cam, it grated on my nerves. Mostly because she refused to open up, yet expected more from me. As long as she withheld, so did I.

We couldn’t live with or without each other. We messed up, time and time again, but we kept going back to one another. And this went on for months.

I had to work twice as hard during the last few weeks she worked for us because we were growing apart.

I was also confronted with the realization that one day she’d leave this place, and I would be left behind, forever stuck in this world. It was the first time I resented being a
Capo
, being part of the Mafia. At the end of the day, it’s a solitary existence, and I think we constantly sought company with one another because we both felt that – that disconnect within our connection. I fucked her ten ways to Sunday, even in her luscious ass, and she always obliged me. She didn’t want to, but I took it anyway, and she loved it when I used her for my pleasure because between the sheets was when I’d felt most linked to her.

She wasn’t like others. I understood that. I wanted her to forget anyone before me and never even think about anyone after me, without offering her any kind of commitment. Her reluctance to open up would constantly fuel mine, and we never got the chance to cross the boundaries we set.

And when she was finally fed up and confessed she loved me after more than twelve months, I was so not prepared for it that I just blurted the truth. That I wouldn’t bring a regular citizen into my world. I’ve seen what that does to people and how difficult it is with Luca and Fallon. Maybe I was so adamant about not offering her more because she was my friend first, but it was also because I wasn’t prepared to commit while she held back.

She asked me to love her, and I told her that I wouldn’t. And that moment took place a few weeks before she vanished.

Then she began lying and omitting things, and I recognized that we were ending. It was the night before Fallon was kidnapped and brought to our headquarters. That night, I caught Cam with Damian – after she told me she loved me that morning – and it made me realize that I had to break off wherever this ‘relationship’ was never going.

*

Ten months ago

I arrive at the deserted strip club with two of my soldiers after a rough night. Cam and I had another argument this week about one of the girls, and I left her annoyed. The rumors about me are getting to her. Where she used to defend me and not let it rile her, she’s growing more and more suspicious that I don’t want her because I’m incapable of swearing off other women. But I’ve always been faithful to her while we’ve been together – without her even asking. I won’t betray her. Yet the way she questions my honesty, while she isn’t being forthcoming herself about her scars or past, elicits my frustration. I do still flirt with other women and refuse to change that, but I’m faithful in this relationship we don’t define. She isn’t, I discover that night.

Of course, as always, I missed Cam after a few days apart and did spend last night with her, yet this morning, she professed that she loves me, and I revealed I won’t offer her more than this.

The two men who are with me scatter off with some girls, and I go toward our private room in search of Cam, feeling remorseful for the umpteenth time.

The door creaks open, and I can hear her husky voice. She isn’t alone. She’s with Damian, talking in an intimate pose, sitting on the bed, hips touching. My fists clinch, but I decide to eavesdrop before letting any unwarranted anger dominate my state of mind.

They’re whispering, and he inches toward her. I witness him kissing her, and a red haze overtakes my sight. I’m ready to barge in, but her words stop me dead in my tracks.

“I should’ve never fallen in love with him.”

She stops the kiss – thankfully, because I’m on the verge of blowing up. Why are they so chummy? Couldn’t she wait a few fucking hours for me to return and confide in
me
? I know too little about Cam. And I detest that she lets Damian get so close. A surreptitious fury sweeps through me, and I can’t guarantee that I can control myself, so I decide not to confront her now.

Cam stands, and I hide in another room, making sure these two part ways. And they do – I spy on them until they’re outside and I witness Damian leaving and Cam going with David.

*

The mattress dips as I sit down and lean forward with my elbows on my knees, dropping my head into my hands.

Love doesn’t fit into my world. I’m a
Capo
, not a boss or underboss. Bosses and underbosses have more power to protect their loved ones. But none of that mattered at the time; I had made up my mind. She kissed another man, and I was ready to murder him. She had too much control over me. The insight that I had to end our undefined friendship settled over me like a silent mantle.

The next day, I was shitfaced, and a stripper was giving me a lap dance when Luca and I learned Damian had taken Fallon – Luca’s then girlfriend, who didn’t know Luca was the underboss of our organization – and everything moved in fast forward from there.

I was busy with work. Cam was slipping away, and I had let her. I was still protective of her those last few days, and once, when I was filled with fear she’d defied an order from Luca to help Fallon, she even let me kiss her, and that night, I made her sleep with me in our normal private room in the strip club. She stayed, reluctantly, but we didn’t talk, both feeling we were at the end of our play. It felt like a goodbye. And I think she was planning to help Fallon escape when she lay in bed with me.

A few days later, Luca and I indeed caught them escaping. Cam had placed herself in the middle of Syndicate business in one night. And when she admitted to Luca and me that she kissed Damian again to get her hands on his car keys so that she and Fallon could escape in his BMW, I was too irate to be rational.

Luca was handling Fallon in his room, and I was pacing and clutching my hair with Cam sitting on this bed. For a tall woman, she looked small and fragile. I remember the conversation word for word.

*

Nine months ago

“What the fuck was your plan?” I bark.

Silence.

“Start talking before I start smashing.” My jaw clenches painfully.

“Only…to help Fallon get out of here,” she stutters and avoids my furious face.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I look down at her. Cam, this elusive woman who has me questioning my sanity. “You’ve put yourself in danger now, and you’ve put me in an impossible situation. This was a really stupid move. How long have you been sitting on this master plan of yours?”

“What do you mean?” Some of her adrenaline and fear from the attempted escape is fading, and I can clearly she see’s pondering what to say.

I make a scoffing sound. Not a peep about Damian. “When did you come up with the plan to help her escape?”

“Right before I did it,” she lies; I’m certain.

“I don’t believe you.”

“What have
you
been doing these last few days? There’s a captive woman in this house! And you all act like it’s the most normal thing.” Defiance wells in the moisture in her eyes.

“I told you what you needed to know. That was for her, but also your, protection! Now you’ve put yourself in the middle, and I don’t know what Luca will do. Or what James will do when he finds out. You’re messing with dangerous men.”

She’s wringing her hands together in her lap.

“Do you think Damian will protect you?” I snap in the quiet room.

She jumps at my harsh tone as I sneer at her lips, her tainted lips. “When did you kiss him?” She has kissed another man twice in one month. She planned to seduce Damian, conniving thing. I test Cam and give her one chance to tell me the truth. If she’s honest, she’ll say either yesterday or before. If she’s playing me, she’ll say today.

“I don’t know, fifty minutes ago.”

Well, that’s strangely specific. She’s being very calculated; I can see it in how her hands are now planted on her hips, preparing for a clash.

I take a handful of her hair, so she’s forced to look up at me. “I warned you about lying to me.”

Distress colors her eyes. “Is that a threat?”

“Yes,” I answer, and she gasps in fear, so I release her hair.