Following Your Heart (40 page)

They entered the house. Teresa and Susan laid their supplies down by the front door and removed their bonnets. Spider webs hung on the corners of the ceilings, and dust covered the hardwood floor. Susan didn't look at Teresa as she waved a paper bag around before placing her bonnet on the floor.

Yost didn't seem to notice.

“The kitchen would be a good place to start cleaning,” Yost said. “Teresa can begin in the living room after I've said what I need to say.”

“Okay,” Susan said, marching past him.

Teresa stayed beside the dusty couch even though Yost motioned for her to be seated. He sat down in a broken rocker, the handrails on both sides split in the middle.

“I hope you won't take this too hard, Teresa,” he said, looking up at her, “but I have decided it's best that we not be wed on your baptismal day.”

“That's nice of you, Yost. Menno will be glad to give us a real Amish wedding sometime afterward.”

Yost cleared his throat. “No, that's not what I meant. This is hard for me to say, but I must make myself clear. I do not wish to hurt your feelings. You have already had many things in life go wrong for you—like your son being born without a father to give him a good name. Yet I must tell you, Teresa, that I've decided I will not wed you.”

“What!” Susan poked her head through the kitchen doorway and stared at Yost.

“You've decided you won't marry me?” Teresa asked, her face white. “Is it because I have sinned in bearing a child without a father?”

Yost hung his head. “I would not put it in such words because
Da Hah
forgives us all for our sins. But,
yah
, your past bothers all of us, I'm sure, but this concerns another matter.”

“Now this I've got to hear,” Susan said, coming into the living room.

Yost looked at her. “I'm talking with Teresa, but I suppose you might as well stay and hear what I have to say. You are, after all, seeing Thomas, so you will surely understand this matter.”

“I am
not
seeing Thomas!” Susan sputtered.

Yost ignored her and turned to Teresa. “It is like this. I am older now, going on in the years
Da Hah
has given me on this earth. True, there are still some years left, and I had hoped to have a wife to spend the remaining years with me. These are the thoughts I had the first day I visited you, and I pushed them away, believing they were not from
Da Hah
. Now, though, I must face them. If I wed you, we may have children—many children in the years to come. Even when I am an old man children may come. I am not poor, as you can see. I have cattle and a farm that is paid for. But I do not want to have children in my old age. Especially long after I am too old to work in the fields. The expense would be great. So I must tell you, Teresa, that we will not be wed. I know you want a father for your son, but it cannot be me.”

“Cast me over the barn roof!” Susan said. “Now I've heard everything.”

Yost ignored her again. “I will tell the community I have chosen to not honor our promise to each other. I will take on that burden if you will allow me one request,” Yost offered, holding up his hand.

“Yes?” Teresa asked, her eyes intently looking at his bearded face.

“I ask that you clean the house like you planned,” he said. “And that you cook a meal.”

“We brought along a fresh loaf of bread,” Teresa said. “Will that work for the food?”

Yost smiled. “That is a
gut
start, but I am hoping for a full supper—with mashed potatoes, gravy, and maybe even pie.”

“We'll do what we can,” Susan interrupted. “We have to get back before dark, so we need to get to work.”

Yost jumped to his feet. “I will get to work in the barn then.”

As soon as Yost was out the door, Susan put her hands on her hips and faced Teresa. “Well, now doesn't that beat everything! There's got to be more to this than what Yost told us. The old fellow wouldn't change his mind that easily. There has to be something else.”

Teresa burst into sobs. “I wonder if Deacon Ray knows about this? Will I still be baptized and accepted into the community? And what about Samuel? What will happen to him?”

“Now, now,” Susan soothed. “You haven't been listening to a word I said. Teresa, be thankful Yost turned you down! He has more sense than you do. I must say, this is the best news I've heard in weeks. Now let's get busy and then get out of here before he changes his mind.”

“How can you be sure I won't be thrown out of the instruction class?” Teresa wailed.

“We'll take that when it comes,” Susan assured her. “I don't think we should ask many questions right now. I think we should get to work, leave, and when we get back home not say a word about anything until Bishop Henry pours the holy water over your head.”

Teresa nodded and grabbed the broom. She attacked the cobwebs on the ceiling.

O
n the Saturday night before baptismal Sunday, James came in late from the barn. He took a seat on the couch across from where his father was reading
The Budget.

When his father kept reading, James cleared his throat.

“Is there something you want?” his
daett
asked, still not moving the paper or looking up.

“I need to tell you something,” James said. “Something about Teresa.”

The paper came down and Deacon Ray glared at his son. “I hope you're not having wild thoughts about that girl. Because I will hear none of that nonsense. I already told you that.”

James sighed. “
Daett
, we can make this easy or we can make it hard. It's up to you. I'm asking Teresa if I can take her home after she's baptized. You know that Yost broke their engagement.”

“Yes, I know that. And that means nothing to you.” The paper went up again. “Why are you bringing this up on the night before the baptismal? Are you trying to get me to object to Teresa's baptism?”

“Of course not! Let me put it clearly,
Daett
. Do you want there to be a stink over this or not?”

His
daett
lowered the paper again. “Of course I don't want a problem.”

“I'm telling you this because I don't want there to be hard feelings between us when this is over. The truth is that I am hoping Teresa will become your daughter-in-law.”

Deacon Ray stared at his son for a long moment. “You've spoken with Teresa on this matter? She has agreed and is promised to you?”

“No, but she will agree.”

“You are always sure of yourself, son. But this situation with Teresa is going too far.”

“I know the woman,
Daett
,” James said. “She has a heart of gold. And she will consent to marry me.”

“And you think she's
gut
enough for you? Even with her little boy born out of wedlock? You realize he comes with the package, don't you?”

“It's not a question of who's
gut
enough for whom. We can all become better persons,
Daett
. Didn't you and
Mamm
grow after your marriage?”

Deacon Ray grunted.

“Now that I've told you this, I hope you won't object to the baptism tomorrow.”

“Are you ordering me around, James?”

“No,
Daett
. I'm asking as your son. Will you please not make trouble? I love Teresa,
Daett.
”

“And if the girl eventually leaves you after you're married? What am I to say then? That I told you so? That would be small comfort for everyone.”

“Teresa will not leave me,” James said. “With all you've put her through, she would have left long ago if she were the type to give up.”

Deacon Ray grunted again and raised the paper. “I'll have to think about this.”

“Thanks,
Daett
,” James said, getting to his feet. “You will learn to love her someday.”

“I'm not promising anything about tomorrow.”

“I know,” James said, a soft smile on his face. “You have a
gut
night now.”

The next morning, a blaze of bright sunlight spread across the hardwood floor, bouncing upward to illuminate even the darkest corners of the Millers' living-room ceiling. Ezra Miller's wife had done her Saturday cleaning well, Teresa thought, watching the line of boys follow the ministers up the stairs as the congregation sang. Not a cobweb in sight. But then, this wasn't Yost Byler's house.

Yost looked happy enough this morning. He was sitting over in the men's section.
He must still be thinking about the big supper we left him
. Teresa thought, holding back a smile.
Likely he lived on the leftovers for days
. This was her baptismal Sunday, and not the time to be smiling on such a somber occasion. The other girls getting to their feet were keeping their eyes on the floor, as properly befitted the day. Teresa fought against the wild happiness springing up inside her. Any minute now she was going to laugh out loud if she wasn't careful. Surely it must come from the fact that she'd been raised in the
Englisha
world so she'd always be a little different.

Teresa waited until the last girl was on her feet before handing baby Samuel to Anna. He wrinkled up his face to cry, but Teresa looked away. Samuel would just have to fuss. Anna would take care of him. Slipping down the aisle, Teresa fell into the end of the line. That she was last hadn't mattered all summer, and it didn't matter now. The only thing that was important at the moment was making it through the last instruction class and having Bishop Henry baptize her.

Susan had pressed the point on the day they'd driven home after cleaning Yost Byler's place. “First of all, don't even tell
Mamm
how happy you are that Yost backed out.”

“I'm not that happy,” she had protested, her hands tight on the reins.

“Yes, you are,” Susan said. “You just don't know it yet. Keep your voice down on Sundays when you speak with the other women. Try not to draw attention to yourself. Ask
Mamm
or me any question you might have about the
Ordnungs
brief. You don't want to break any rule—spoken or unspoken. And above all else, don't speak with James no matter how much he tries to speak with you. He's up to something, but trust me, it will only make trouble for you if it happens too soon. Time is your best friend now.”

Well…Susan had been wrong about one thing. James hadn't made any attempts to speak with her. Which shouldn't have troubled Teresa, but somehow it did. Her whole future was troubled now. At night she lay awake, looking at Samuel's crib and crying. Samuel had no father to look forward to now. She had failed her son miserably. And Deacon Ray had forbidden James to speak with her—which was clearly the reason he hadn't tried.

Really, she ought to be crying this morning too instead of feeling this joy bubbling up from her heart. Perhaps the Lord—
Da Hah
— was looking out for her in some way she couldn't understand. That must be what it was, and this was His sign. He would help her raise Samuel as a Father Himself. Were those not the words Menno read the other morning from the Scriptures? Something about God being a father to the fatherless?