Following Flora (6 page)

THE SAGA OF BLUEBELL AND JAKE
THE KISS (take 2)

BLUE, accompanied by DODI, comes out of the school gate. JAKE is waiting on the pavement. Dodi nudges Blue, who removes her glasses. She is wearing lip gloss. Jake leaves TOM and COLIN and marches up to her, looking determined and still a little bit tanned and therefore quite handsome.

JAKE

(sounding as determined as he looks)

Walk you home?

 

BLUE

(beaming, trying not to look like this whole episode isn't mortifying)

Why thank you, kind sir.

 

Together, they head off toward the park. Blue steals a glance over her shoulder. Dodi pouts and blows kisses. Colin and Tom see her and snigger. Jake ignores them. Blue carries on beaming despite aching cheek muscles.

JAKE

Shall we sit on this bench?

 

BLUE

That would be lovely.

 

They stop at a park bench. For a while, they sit side by side in silence. Then Jake turns toward Blue. Blue, still manically grinning, turns toward Jake. Jake clears his throat, leans forward and kisses Blue on the mouth. Blue, resisting the very real urge to giggle, kisses him back. Jake closes his eyes. She closes hers.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13

I tried to avoid Jake for most of the week. It was all I wanted to do, after that date. All I could think was if he didn't see me, he wouldn't be able to dump me. Being dumped by Jake would just be the most humiliating thing in the world.

By sliding into lessons at the last minute, eating lunch in the library, and hiding in the girls' bathroom at the end of the day, I managed not to speak to him for days, but there's no escaping Dodi when she's on a mission.

Flora, who heard about the disastrous film date from Cressida's older sister, said I should be the one dumping Jake, not running scared that he was going to dump me. I told her, “If I dump him, it will show he upset me, and that would be embarrassing too,” and she said that was stupid but I'm really, really glad now that I didn't listen to her, just like I'm really glad Dodi's my best friend.

The Earth didn't spin the second time Jake kissed me, but it was a lot better.

In fact it was quite nice.

I'm not sure I can write about it right now. I'm feeling a little bit giddy.

 

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14

Today I had to take Jas to her riding lesson. This is something Dad normally does, but apparently he has reached another critical point in his novel and cannot be interrupted whatever the circumstances.

Riding lessons were Jas's birthday present from Grandma before she left for Arizona. Grandma, who is horse mad, almost wept when Jas asked for them in the summer. She even rang Jas up from the ranch where she is staying on the first night of her holiday to rant about GALLOPING ON THE WIDE OPEN PLAINS and THE BEAUTY OF SIMPLE HONEST HORSE FOLK and how happy she was that she and Jas might one day be SHARING THIS TOGETHER.

The stables where Jas goes are right beneath the moto
rway, a
tiny yard sandwiched between a bus depot and a leisure center. They are about as far from the wide open plains as it is possible to get, but I can see why Jas loves them. It is rather incredible, after walking from the train down an alleyway covered in graffiti, to stumble on a lot of plump, glossy ponies. Jas skipped into the yard like she owned the place and ran up to greet a young woman who was striding around the yard in skintight jodhpurs and knee-high riding boots, cracking a whip and barking orders at about half a dozen children who were scurrying around with saddles.

“This is Gloria,” Jas announced. “Gloria, this is my sister Blue.”

“Very pleased to meet you,” Gloria said. “You can help Jas tack up Mopsy.”

I followed Jas into the tack room, where an old man who looked like a bum sat drinking tea.

“That's Bill,” Jas whispered. “He's Gloria's father. He used to be a jockey.”

Bill looked like he could barely walk, let alone ride a horse. I waved at him. He grunted. Jas reached behind him to pick up a bridle.

“Not that one,” he snapped.

If anyone at home ever spoke to Jas like that, she would probably burst into tears, but here she just laughed, picked up a different bridle, and skipped out again to tack up her pony. The old man watched her go, and I swear I thought he might be smiling, but when he saw me watching he went straight back to being grumpy.

The lesson was a typical riding lesson, lots of girls and one boy following each other nose to tail around the ring, with Gloria shouting instructions at them through a loudspeaker. I watched Jas bounce around an obstacle course. Her pony knocked over two traffic cones and a tub of plastic geraniums. Gloria made her do it again. Crouched over the pony's neck, her black hair falling about her face and her cheeks flushed, Jas was like a different person, happy and confident, like she could take on anything. It was strange, looking at her. It made me wonder if this was the real Jas, as she was meant to be, as opposed to the Jas we see every day, who cries and worries and gets cross. It felt almost like I didn't know her. And then that made me think about how well we know anybody, including ourselves.

Jake's family have friends over from Australia this weekend, which means I can't see him. I asked him if he couldn't sneak away, just for a little bit, but he said no and he would see me at school on Monday.

Monday feels like an awfully long way away. I think I do like Jake now.

I can't believe I have a proper boyfriend! Mum came into my room tonight after I had gone to bed. She hasn't done that for ages. I thought, maybe mothers have a sort of instinct about these things and she has come to talk to me about Jake, but she didn't say anything at all for a really long time. She didn't get into bed with me, either, like she used to, but instead sat on my window seat, looking out at the garden even though it was completely dark.

“We'll have to get a Christmas tree soon,” she said at last.

I got a lump in my throat then, because I thought I knew then what was troubling her. Christmas trees are always difficult in our family, because they always remind us of Iris.

“It'll be okay,” I said.

“Will it?” she asked. She looked like she often looks these days, like she's about to cry, and I finally screwed up the courage to ask what I haven't asked since she had that secret appointment with the doctor.

“Mum, are you sure you're okay?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You seem so sad.”

“I'm always sad at this time of year.”

“Apart from that.”

“There is nothing to worry about,” Mum said, and I know I should have been nice, but I'm really tired of her secrets. So instead I said that if there was nothing else she needed could she please get out of my room because I wanted to go to sleep.

“Don't be cross,” she said.

“Don't be annoying,” I replied.

She left, like I asked, but then I wished she hadn't. I'm not quite sure how you do tell your mum about your boyfriend, but I think it might have been nice to talk to her about Jake. And we used to have this thing in our family, before Iris died, where nobody was allowed to go to bed angry or sad, but that clearly doesn't apply anymore.

THE FILM DIARIES OF BLUEBELL GADSBY
SCENE FIVE (TRANSCRIPT)
The Dinner Party

INTERIOR, NIGHT.

Once again, we are in the Gadsby family kitchen, with MOTHER at the cooking range, this time doing something complicated with prunes. A leg of lamb rests on top of the stove, and an apple tart sits on the side, next to a bowl of custard.

FATHER sets the table. Under strict instructions, he takes unusual care over this, putting out candles and silverware and the tablecloth inherited from Mother's grandmother, vintage linen with lace trimmings. JASMINE sits on the sofa with her nose in a book and the kittens in her lap. Father places plates of smoked salmon on the table.

FATHER

(irritable)

It would be nice if at least one of my daughters helped me.

 

MOTHER

(oddly soothing)

Don't be cross, darling. I asked Blue to film this. I thought it would be nice. Jas, give your father a hand.

 

Jasmine sighs and peels herself off the sofa. The kittens (now over four months old and no longer tiny) start to pad around the room.

JASMINE

(taking in extent of food spread for the first time)

Is anyone coming for dinner?

 

MOTHER

(sounding nervous)

No darling, just us. Your father and I . . .

 

FATHER

(warning)

Cassie!

 

FLORA

(bursting into the kitchen)

He's here! He's nearly here! Is everything ready?

(she takes in the table, the napkins, the roast lamb)

What are you doing? He'll be terrified! I said it would just be pasta!

 

FATHER

What on earth are you talking about?

 

FLORA

Zach! I asked him and Zoran for dinner. Mum, didn't you get my text?

 

MOTHER

(looking appalled)

My phone's dead.

 

FATHER

(looking furious)

Call him right now and tell him he can't come!

 

FLORA

Oh my God, what is
wrong
with you?

 

TWIG enters in his underpants. Flora screams at him to put some clothes on. Twig replies that he doesn't have any clothes because Mother accidentally donated all his jeans to charity. Mother replies he should stop complaining about his clothes being too small. Twig answers that normal people buy replacement clothes
before
giving the old ones away. Flora declares there is no way she is letting her boyfriend see her brother naked. Hermione quietly hops onto the table and starts to eat the smoked salmon. Father bats her away, knocking over a bottle of red wine.

MOTHER

My grandmother's tablecloth!

 

FATHER

(roaring)

TO HELL WITH THE TABLECLOTH! AND TO HELL WITH CATS AND CANDLES AND INCONVENIENT BOYFRIENDS! TO HELL WITH ALL THE THINGS CONSTANTLY CONSPIRING TO DISRUPT EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO!

 

The whole family stares at him, fascinated. Nobody but CAMERAMAN notices the kitchen door open, revealing a worried-looking Zoran and a frankly petrified-looking Zach.

MOTHER

David, calm down.

 

FATHER

THIS IS NOT WHAT THIS EVENING WAS MEANT TO BE ABOUT!

 

ZORAN

(very softly)

What was it meant to be about, David?

 

Father slumps, looking defeated and almost as terrified as Zach. Mother goes to him, takes his hand, then turns to face the camera.

MOTHER

We're going to have a baby.

 

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15

Poor Zach. I bet he thought the first time he met Flora's family it would be all about him. He probably rehearsed it in front of the mirror in Zoran's tiny bathroom, wondering if he should call Dad
sir
or
Mr. Gadsby
, and was it all right to wear a hoodie or should he wear a shirt and should he buy Mum flowers or stuff like that. I bet he had no idea he was going to stumble into a room full of flying kittens and a load of people screaming and crying because they'd just heard life-changing news, straight after hearing himself described as
inconvenient
. I bet that was the last thing he expected.

“This is not unusual behavior,” I heard Zoran reassure Zach as they stood in the doorway, and then he was sweeping into the room and hugging Mum.

“You told them at last!” he said.

“You knew!” I cried.

“I've been begging him to come back when the baby is born,” Mum sniffed. “And I was so worried how you all would take the news, with the age difference and everything.”

I knew that by
everything
, she meant Iris. Apparently Zoran has been saying she should tell us for ages but she was too scared. Then when I got cross with her last night she realized she couldn't keep it secret anymore.

“Are you happy?” she asked me.

“I think so,” I stammered.

“A baby!” Flora looked stunned.

“Will it be a boy?” Twig asked.

Jas didn't say anything to Mum or Dad at all. Instead she moved away from the little crowd gathered around the parents, making a beeline for Zach, looking very shy but also quite determined.

“I loved your song,” I heard her whisper to him. Zach stopped looking scared and looked embarrassed instead.

“Can I ask you a question?” she asked, and then she saw me listening and frowned for me to go away.

Dinner was nice and barely burned at all. I think Mum was so relieved her secret was finally out she couldn't stop laughing. She actually thought she couldn't have babies anymore, so it took her ages to realize she was pregnant. She's known for months, but she and Dad didn't want to tell us until they were used to the idea.

“We were a bit shaken up at first,” Mum said.

I'm not sure Dad is at all used to the idea of the baby yet. When Flora asked if they had thought of any names yet, and Mum said what did we think about Hazel, either for a boy or a girl, he winced, and not just because he doesn't like the name Hazel. Talking about names, he said, made the whole thing feel more real.

“Of course it's real!” Flora cried. “Now I know Mum's pregnant, I can see the bump and everything! I can't believe we didn't notice before!”

“It will be all right, David.” Mum beamed, and Dad gulped down more wine.

Twig, Jas, and I didn't say much at all, but Flora and Zoran made up for it. Some people are like that, they can just chat away nonstop whatever is going on, as if a massive bombshell hasn't just landed on them. Zach sat next to Flora, and at first he was completely silent, but then Mum asked him how his grandfather was and about his music, and Dad started going on about how he was in a band at school and reminiscing about all the gigs he used to go to, and Flora looked like she might die of embarrassment except it turns out that Zach likes a lot of the music Dad used to like. And then Twig, who was sitting on the other side of him, started to talk to him about football, and also asked him if he was any good at carpentry, because would he like to finish building the tree house, and even though Zach didn't become exactly talkative, he stopped looking like the whole plan for the evening was to flay him alive and throw his body to a pack of ravenous vultures.

I didn't talk to him until the end of the evening, because I was building up the courage for what I had to say. But just before they left, when Zoran was hugging everyone and Zach was standing on his own, I went up to him and apologized. I didn't even try to blame it on Dodi. I'd actually rehearsed a whole speech, but in the end all I managed to mumble was, “I'm really sorry about the video,” and he blushed and mumbled back, “Hey, don't worry about it.” I thought we were going to leave it at that but then he added, “Actually, I looked at it again, and it's pretty funny,” and suddenly I completely got why Flora is so crazy about him. I know it's a cliché, but his whole face really does light up when he smiles, and he has this way of looking at you, like you really matter.

Zach is lovely.

The parents think so too. “What a nice boy,” Mum said when they had gone. Dad said yes, and did she think he should take up the guitar again, and then they went up to bed hand in hand like they'd never had a fight in their whole lives. And Flora beamed and floated on upstairs after them, followed by Twig who is pleased because in one evening he has accumulated not only a sort of brother-in-law who plays football and can build tree houses, but also potentially an actual brother.

Which just left Jas and me.

A
baby
.

I can't believe it.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16

A baby. Not a fatal illness or imminent death or divorce. A
baby
.

On the way to school this morning, Flora said, “You do realize what this means, don't you, it means the parents still do it.” Jas said, “Do what?” and Flora said, “Well how do you think babies are made?” Twig made a gagging noise. Jas blushed scarlet and said, “Oh that, I know that!” and then we were silent, all thinking private thoughts about Mum and Dad making babies. It was an enormous relief when Dodi bounced up to us at the crossroads.

“What's up?” Dodi asked. “You all look a bit sick.”

I told her, and then immediately felt guilty because I'm sure her reaction was exactly what mine should have been.

“That's AMAZING!” Dodi shouted. “A baby! I love babies! They're so cute!”

“They cry all night and they poo in their pants,” said Twig. “How is that cute?”

“Oh my God!” Dodi was struck by a sudden thought and just looking at her I could tell what it was. “That means your parents still . . .”

I felt better.

“Babies
are
cute.” Flora brightened. “When it's born, Zach and I can take it to the park and pretend it's ours!”

Twig said that was just weird, but I wish I could be like Flora. Life must be so simple when you're her.

Me and Dodi skipped assembly. Dodi pretended to have really bad cramps and I said I had to look after her, and we settled on the floor of the science block toilets, which are still pretty clean first thing in the morning.

“Are you pleased?” Dodi asked, and I told her I didn't know.

“I bet it's weird,” she said, and I said yes, it was.

“But still, nice,” said Dodi. “And you mustn't think about Iris. It's not about her, it's not about her at all.”

That is why, however annoying she can be, I love Dodi. Because she always knows what I'm thinking.

I wanted to talk to Jake about the baby too, but he was really quiet today. “That's so awesome,” he said when I told him, but then when I tried to explain how I was feeling about it, I could tell he wasn't really listening.

“Boys are rubbish at emotional stuff,” Dodi said to make me feel better.

“Jake never used to be,” I replied. Dodi said that she had read in a magazine that some boys find it quite hard to go from friend to boyfriend, and that I had to try and be understanding and give him time and space. So when Jake told me he couldn't walk home with me after school this afternoon, I just smiled like I really couldn't care less and said that was fine, because I couldn't walk home with him, either, and then I went to meet Mum at her office.

I waited for her outside. She came out looking tired but sort of smiley, and like Flora I wondered how none of us never even noticed how much she's changed. Now that I know she's pregnant, it seems so obvious. It's not so much that she has a big round tummy, but her whole body is so much
thicker
than it used to be. Zoran once told me that people only ever see what they want to see, and I suppose he must be right.

“Blue!” She jumped when she saw me, but I don't think she was that surprised. I said could we talk, and she tucked her arm into mine and said she knew just the place.

The church was small and dark and cold, but it smelled of incense and someone had put flowers in front of the altar. A priest in long dark robes was talking to an old lady in one of the front pews. He raised his hand at Mum and smiled like he knew her.

“I come in here sometimes at lunchtime,” Mum said. “It's a nice place to be quiet.”

She led me to one of those tables where you can light candles and put some coins in the box.

“It's not Christmas yet,” I said.

Christmas is pretty much the only time we ever go to church, to remember Iris, who died on Christmas Eve.

Mum just handed me a candle. I tried to pray, but I'm not very good at praying, so I thought instead. I thought about how Iris would feel if it was her standing here instead of me. Iris loved baby animals, and really a human baby isn't so different from, say, a puppy or a kitten. I thought about how she would never know this baby, and how wrong that was.

“Do you want to feel it kicking?” Mum whispered, and I wasn't sure, but she took my hand anyway and put it against her tummy underneath her coat. Apparently I used to always feel Twig and Jas kick when she was pregnant with them, but I can't remember it and I wasn't expecting it to feel like that, so
strong
. I jumped when the baby kicked my hand, and screamed out loud. The priest and the old lady looked up, saw what was going on and smiled.

“How do you think it feels for
me
?” Mum laughed.

“Do you already love it?” I asked. “Like you love us?”

She took so long to answer I thought maybe she wasn't going to, but then she said that the way you love a baby is very different from the way you love an older child and that sometimes she thought she loved us all more and more as we grew up. She said nothing mattered more to her in the whole world than keeping us safe and that it still destroyed her to know she couldn't stop bad things happening to us, and did I understand?

I nodded. I couldn't speak, because I had such a big lump in my throat.