Focus (17 page)

A
ll that night
, I dreamed of Nathaniel. It was all becoming more and more clear to me, in my dream, what had happened. I remembered that I was afraid to leave the house for six months. I was terrified that the world was a scary place, and that a bad guy might appear at any moment. Home had seemed like a safe place to me for all those months.

I woke up feeling more in control of everything. What was hidden, previously, had now come to light, and I got through it without breaking down.

Asher was already awake, and laying right next to me. I looked at him, and he kissed me. “How are you feeling this morning, CJ?”

“It’s hard to say. I had more memories coming back to me while I dreamed. I remember now that I was agoraphobic and had panic attacks anytime I went outdoors.” I shook my head. “It’s frustrating, though, because I still have giant holes in my memory. I don’t remember meeting you, and I don’t remember anything about our relationship before. I don’t remember going to the hospital the second time, and I don’t remember Emily. I wish that my entire memory would come back, but, so far, it seems to be limited to remembering Nathaniel’s death and the aftermath of that.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “It’s a good sign that something is coming back. This might just be the start of all of it coming back to you. And, if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t. To be honest with you, I hope that you never retrieve the memories of what happened to you when you were kidnapped. I don’t know, but I would imagine you were traumatized by all of that, and you probably don’t need to see that in your head every time you closed your eyes.” He paused. “Marisa, the girl who was abducted with you, was in the hospital for awhile because she was so much in shock. You’re probably lucky that you don’t have to relive that.”

“I know what you’re saying, Asher,” I said. “But it would be nice if I could remember you. I have strong feelings for you. I would imagine that these strong feelings come from something inside of me remembering you. I just wish that these memories would be clearer.”

He kissed me again. I sighed as he moved closer to me, and I could feel his erection pressed against me. He put one of his legs over my body, and he rubbed my stomach lightly. “This might seem like a bad time,” he said, “but I really want you right now.” He kissed me deeper, and his hand gently went up to my breast and cupped it lightly.

As I turned to him, and put my hand on his manhood, which was throbbing, I realized that maybe he was right. It didn’t really matter if I couldn’t remember him from before. What mattered was how I felt about him right at that moment. And what I felt for him was pure love.

He rolled over on top of me, and I spread my legs to receive him. I sighed as he rolled on a condom and entered me slowly. My nether regions were so swollen and ready for him that it was almost painful. But the pain gave way to sweet release as he slowly and methodically rocked in and out of me while he kissed me on the lips the entire time.

I breathed in his scent of clean soap, slightly spicy cologne and pure man. I reveled in the way that he tasted on my tongue, which was pungently sweet. As he continued to rock in and out of me, I felt orgasm after orgasm wash over me like a flood. A flood that I couldn’t stop, and didn’t want to. This was exactly where I was supposed to be – right there with him in this beautiful hotel room in our nation’s capitol. The past, the part that was traumatizing, was brought to light, again, and it wasn’t so scary anymore. I had to admit that this was part of the reason why I was able to let go with Asher in that bed, really let go and immerse myself in what he was doing to me. How he was making me feel, which was erotic and sensual and pleasured beyond belief.

I knew that there would be more memories that would strike me at different moments. Some of them might not be so good. But, right at that moment, there was only Asher and me in the world, and this world was pretty damned good.

T
he feeling
that I had with Asher in the bed
lasted most of the morning. We were just so hungry for one another that it was hard to be sated. I was loving having him inside of me, wanting me, making me feel as if nothing bad had ever happened to me. And he was doing his best to make sure that I was comfortable and secure. I had never in my life had a man make me feel that way.

But, of course, that feeling, like all fleeting feelings, had to end. Because I still had questions for him.

Like how it was that he found me so fast when I was kidnapped.

We showered, as we prepared to find a place to eat lunch, and I casually decided to drop that question on him as we dressed. “Asher, there is one thing that I have been curious about,” I said.

“What’s that, my love?”

“How did you manage to figure out where I was when I was kidnapped?”

Asher’s face flushed 18 shades of red, and I knew that there was one more shoe that was going to be dropped.

C
J just asked
another question that I couldn’t answer. Or, rather, didn’t want to answer. That was going to open up an entire can of worms, I knew, and I didn’t exactly know how to explain any of it to her.

I was going to have to tell her that Sophie was the one who helped me find her. She didn’t even remember who Sophie was. The only good thing, right at that moment, was that I wasn’t supposed to reveal to her that my deal with Sophie dealt with a false paternity oath.

Unfortunately, I was going to have to lie to CJ and tell her that I was the father of Sophie’s unborn child. If I went back on my word, and told CJ the truth – that I agreed to a paternity oath with Sophie in order to find out where CJ was – then CJ would be put into mortal danger. Again.

That was a conversation that I wasn’t eager to have, of course. To say that it would cause friction would be a massive understatement. The only silver lining was that the timing of conception of the child, which clearly came after CJ and I were broken up, made it seem like I wasn’t exactly cheating on CJ with Sophie.

Nevertheless, CJ was going to be upset by this. I knew this.

For now, though, I simply needed to tell her that Sophie told me where she was, and give her a brief description of who Sophie was. And, if she asked why Sophie would give me this information, I would have to lie and tell her that Sophie had a change of heart about her. How I was going to tell her this with a straight face was anybody’s guess.

I knew that the shit was eventually going to hit the fan on this whole thing. It was going to blow up in my face. That much was inevitable. I only hoped and prayed that I could contain the damage when that happened.

“CJ, do you remember, at all, a woman named Sophie?”

CJ shook her head.

“Okay. Sophie is an ex-girlfriend of mine. She turned into a stalker. I don’t want to bring this up, but I feel that I must. After you and I met, I wanted you to pose as my fiancée, as I told you before. I wanted Sophie to give up on being with me, so I paid you to pretend that you and I were engaged. That caused quite a problem at first, because you felt that I saw you as a charity case.”

“That sounds like me,” she said. “I hate it when people make me feel inferior. But go on.”

“I will say that there’s no love lost between you and Sophie,” I said. “The reason why you entered the hospital the second time, the time that you apparently met Emily, was because Sophie made a particularly evil remark to you in front of several of my friends. She asked you, point blank, why you weren’t in prison for child endangerment.”

CJ’s face went white, but she just nodded her head.

I took a deep breath. “But, apparently, Sophie has a heart,” I said. I hated lying to her, but, remembering that Sophie threatened CJ’s life if I told the truth about this whole paternity mess, I knew that I had no choice. “She knew where you were. She was obsessed with me, so she hired Yuri, who bought you from the Albanians, to track you. When you went missing from the street, as you were living with the homeless, he found out who took you and then he bought you.” I didn’t mention, of course, that Sophie was pregnant with Yuri’s brother’s child. His married brother’s child. That was something that I couldn’t tell her, either.

“So, Sophie told you where I was?” she asked. “She doesn’t seem so bad if that was the case. Unless she shook you down before she told you about all that. Then she’s as bad as you say.”

Time for more lies. I was going to tell CJ that Sophie gave me the information from the goodness of her heart.

Then again, maybe that wasn’t the best course of action. Perhaps I could minimize the damage when the knowledge of Sophie’s paternity came to light.

“CJ,” I said. “Sophie and I slept together once after you and I broke up. Unfortunately, that one time was enough, because she’s now pregnant with my child.” I hoped that CJ couldn’t tell that I was lying.

CJ’s face got even whiter when I told her this. She swallowed hard. I could tell that she was working on making sure that she didn’t break down in front of me, and I felt horrible. “Pregnant with your child?” She shook her head. “How could you keep this from me?”

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “I just wanted to minimize your suffering. I couldn’t hit you with everything at once. I wanted to wait until you knew about Nathaniel and could recover from that before telling you other upsetting news.”

She got up and started to pace the floor. Her breathing was coming faster and faster. “I remember now,” she said. “It’s fuzzy, but I remember something about you springing some kind of bullshit on a boat.” She was shaking her head and darting her finger in the air. “Yes. You told me that you couldn’t love me, but that you wanted to pay me to fool this Sophie person.” She looked right at me. “This memory makes me remember how I felt about you at that moment. I hated you. You were deceptive then, and you’re deceptive now.”

My heart started to sink as I listened to her. Not that I didn’t anticipate this reaction, because I did. I was going to have to contain the fallout.

I reached for her, and she recoiled. “Don’t touch me,” she said. “You dumped me, right? You dumped me because of lies, too. At least, that’s what Scarlett told me about why you and I broke up. She told me that you lied about your past, and then when your past came to light, you dumped me. So, what, you dumped me and you ended up in the bed of your ex-girlfriend? What kind of bullshit is that?”

“CJ, I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. I love you. But, yes, she and I ended up sleeping together for one night, and now she’s pregnant with my child. I wish that weren’t true, but it is. That doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Let me list all the deceptions that you’ve sprung on me just since I woke up and saw you by my bedside. You failed to tell me about the abduction. You kept the information about Nathaniel from me until the other night. Now you’re telling me that you’ve kept this huge issue of fathering another woman’s child from me. That’s all in the past few weeks. That’s all on top of the deception that you kept from me about your past. I don’t remember that, but I know that this happened. Hell, you tried to hire me to deceive your ex. What else is going to come to light, Asher? What other shoe is going to drop? You’re a liar, Asher, and I can’t trust you.”

Her words struck me like daggers, especially since this whole Sophie mess came about because that was the only way I would be able to find CJ in time. If not for Sophie, I might have gone down a million blind alleys and would never have found CJ. Who knew what would have happened to her if not for Sophie giving me that information when she did? And all of the other “deceptions” that CJ was recounting – about my not telling her about her abduction and not telling her about Nathaniel until just recently – were designed to protect her. That was all I wanted, really – to protect her.

Yet, she thought that I was a big liar and deceiver. That really hurt, to say the least.

At least she no longer thought that I was behind her disappearance. That was the only silver lining in all of this.

“CJ, just stop,” I said. “You’re spinning. It’s true, I have kept things from you. But it was always for your own good.”

“Don’t patronize me.” She narrowed her eyes. “I hate, more than anything, being patronized. You should have told me all of this weeks ago. I certainly would have respected you more, and now what have you done? You’ve made it to where I can’t trust you. And I was starting to trust you. Starting to believe that you had my best interests at heart. I could have forgiven you for all the other deceptions, because I could understand that your heart was in the right place. But this…this takes the cake. It’s the last straw.”

It was then that I blurted out what was in my heart. Something that I was intending to ask her, anyhow, but I was waiting for the right time. “CJ, I’m sorry. But I need you to forgive me. I made a huge mistake, but we’ll get through it. Because I want you to be my wife.”

That stopped her pacing. She looked at me. “You do?”

“Yes. I do.” At that, I got down on one knee. “I’m sorry that this is coming out like this, but there’s really no taking that back. CJ Parker, would you become CJ Sloane, and allow me to wake up to your beautiful face beside me for the rest of my life?”

She didn’t answer at first. “I don’t know,” she said, and my heart sunk. “I love you, but what else is going to come to light?”

“Nothing,” I said. I was still on bended knee. “You have my word on this. I need you, CJ. I need you in my life. I made the mistake, once before, in saying goodbye to you, but I won’t make that mistake again. Please, CJ. Please say yes.”

She shook her head. “No, Asher. I can’t say yes. Not yet. Not in this way. I need to think about this. You just told me that you fathered a child with another woman. Now you’re asking me to marry you. I have whiplash, Asher, and I need to think about this. I’m sorry.”

I bowed my head, feeling humiliated. “I understand,” I said. “Take all the time you need. The question will still stand. It will always stand.”

She started to cry. “I wish I could say yes,” she said. “But I need to think, that’s all. That’s all.”

I took a deep breath, knowing that there wasn’t going to be a rush on this. CJ had to come to her own conclusions about me and my honesty and forthrightness. She was going to have to see, for herself, that I never meant to deceive her, and that, if I did, I did it for her own good. She was going to have to understand that I loved her and I would never lie to her again. Unless there was a damned good reason to lie, as in, if I didn’t lie, CJ’s life would be in danger.

“Take all the time you need,” I repeated. “I’m not going anywhere.”

And I knew I wasn’t.

I just hoped that she wasn’t, either.

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