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“I don't know,” Coop said. “I love Ben. God, I love him. But it's like . . . where's this going?”

I was floored. It wasn't even my relationship and I still felt like Coop had sucker punched me. “Where are you and Ben going? Is that what you're asking?”

“Yeah.” Coop hung his head and I gave him some room to breathe. “Graduation's not far off. We're growing up, Simon. How many high school relationships do you know that work after high school?”

“Whoa, Cooper. Just slow down here.” I was shocked that I was about to be the voice of reason, but it did happen occasionally. “You're not getting married. It's just sex. You love Ben and Ben loves you and I can't imagine two people who deserve to get biblical more.”

Coop chuckled. “I'm pretty sure the Bible has rules against what Ben and I are planning to do.”

“Yes, well, two-thousand-year-old rules are meant to be broken.”

“True,” Coop said. He relaxed a little and took another of his deep breaths, letting all his tension go. “When did you become an expert on this shit?”

I shrugged. “What's that supposed to mean?”

Coop rolled his eyes like I should have known exactly what he meant, but since I didn't, he said it out loud. “You've had two opportunities to get with girls that actually liked you, but instead, you're going to spend your whole night on
a fruitless quest to win the heart of a girl who will probably never feel the same way about you that you feel about her.”

“Two? Natalie and who else?”

“The girl you showed up with?” Coop smacked his head. “You're a moron.”

“Stella's cool and all, but she and I would never—”

“Bullshit,” Coop said. “She's perfect. Weird, hot, and totally into you.”

“No way,” I said, slightly uncomfortable with the way Coop had turned the focus of the conversation to me. “She's hanging out with Ewan.”

Coop's groan was drowned out by a rambunctious collection of howls from the living room and we both turned in time to see Trey Howser drink the last cup on the table and then fall to the floor.

“You really are going to die a sad, lonely virgin,” Coop said. I turned back around. And I didn't argue. I couldn't. Not with Coop, anyway. Over the years, we'd dissected every moment of my one date with Cassie and every interaction I'd had with her since. If she smiled at me in the hall or when we were hanging out at Ben's, I picked it apart until Coop threatened to garrote me with a guitar string.

After a minute, Coop said, “So, just out of morbid curiosity, what was Stella's plan for helping you score the girl of your dreams? I mean, a girl who brings a blind dog to a party has got to have something slick up her sleeve.” There was a note of sarcasm in his voice that I chose to ignore.

“Her best idea involved singing—”

“Don't.”

“Obviously.”

I was saved from further interrogation by Ben running down the hall from wherever he'd been, yelling, “Someone give me the password to AJ Tucker's Facebook account! It's a matter of life or death!” He skidded to a stop, nearly slamming into the front door. When he saw us, he bounded up the steps to slap a quick kiss on Coop's lips and whisper something in his ear. Then he jumped down the steps and ran back the way he'd come, shouting, “The purse is mine!” and laughing manically.

Coop chuckled. “And that's my boyfriend.”

“How could you not want to have sex with him?” I asked. I was being sarcastic but Coop answered soberly.

“It makes it real.”

“You've been together for three years,” I said. “
That
makes it real.”

Sitting on the steps felt lame now. There was a party going on, and Coop and I were sitting around talking about our feelings. Not even talking. We'd spent most of our time dancing around the things neither of us wanted to talk about. “I need a drink after all this whining,” I said. “Unless you want me to go buy you some condoms. Do they make micro-size?”

“You should talk. I've seen you naked.”

I stood up in mock outrage. “You said you didn't look! Anyway, that lake was freezing. There was definite shrinkage.”

“Calm down, Tiny Tim, I'm only messing around.” Coop used the railing to haul himself to his feet. “I should find Ben before he sells my mom's car for the condom.”

“That car's not worth a condom,” I said. “It's not worth a used condom.”

Coop grimaced. “Gross.”

I jumped down the last couple of steps and came to a stop by the front door. It was cracked open and smoke from the nicotine junkies was seeping inside. Cassie hated smokers, so I kicked the door all the way closed.

When I turned around, Coop was standing uncomfortably close. “Can I give you some advice without you getting all pissy?”

“Always.”

“Forget Cassie.” Coop had more to say, so I kept my mouth shut. “I know I said I'd back you if you decided to go for it, and I still will, but you should forget her. Put her out of your mind. You'll be better off.”

“What if I can't?”

Coop sighed. “Then you need to forget about grand gestures or your deal with Stella. No plans, no singing. Just walk up to her and tell her how you feel.”

“Just like that?” I asked.

“Just like that.” Coop patted me on the arm and headed toward the back of the house, trading fist bumps and smiles with most of the people he passed.

And then I was alone. It was a huge party with more
people than I could count, but I was alone. Stella, who didn't know anyone at this party an hour ago, was having more fun than I was. Which made Coop's advice that much sweeter. If Stella could walk right up to Ewan and strike up a conversation, I could tell Cassie—the girl I'd known for years—that I loved her.

With that in mind, I marched through the house on a mission to find Cassandra Castillo and make her mine. I dropped by the kitchen for a shot of vodka that burned like a jalapeño on the way down but then spread through my limbs, carrying courage to every cell in my body. Cassie wasn't in the kitchen, but Ben and Coop were, and I passed Coop a knowing smile. He mouthed “good luck” before returning to Ben, who was yelling at Maya that she owed it to his penis to give him her purse.

Stella and Ewan had disappeared from the living room, and I didn't see them dancing, either. I maybe felt a slight pang of jealousy as I imagined where they might be and what they might be doing. But it passed and I genuinely hoped that if Ewan turned out to be Stella's first kiss with a guy, that he made it a damn good one.

As I searched the first floor of the Castillo house room by room, my courage began to flag. Cassie was nowhere. Not by the pool or in her parents' room, which was occupied by a group of kids who looked kind of shady, like the types who rummage through other people's medicine cabinets for pills to steal. But they weren't my problem. Finding Cassie before my spine turned to jam was my one and only goal.

My focus was so myopic that I nearly walked right by Cassie on my way upstairs. She was sitting in the courtyard, this little space in the middle of the house that's open to the outside. An oasis, Ben had called it. Tonight it was decorated with Japanese paper lanterns that cast long shadows on the walls and across Cassie's face. She was sitting on a bench almost facing me. It was like she was looking just past me. Her dress had slid up her leg to reveal a smooth, touchable thigh. But I wasn't thinking about that. Not at all. I was thinking about what I was going to say. So far, I hadn't come up with much.

My breaths came quickly and I wished I'd taken another shot for luck. I didn't know why I was so scared, though. Nothing I had to say should come as a shock to Cassie. She couldn't have been blind to the fact that I'd loved her since day one. Cassie probably knew how I felt better than I did.

I guess that I wasn't scared of telling her; I was scared of what she'd say after. I was scared she'd laugh. Or tell me to go to hell. Or kiss me and tell me she loved me back. In some ways, that last one was scariest of all. No matter what, it was a gamble I'd been scared to take for far too long.

With clammy hands, I turned the handle and pushed the glass doors open. The words were in my mouth before I even looked around. Cassie glanced up, but she wasn't exactly happy to see me.

“Cassie, I—”

“Sy, you know Eli, right?” Cassie looked past me again, and
this time I looked with her. Eli. He was sitting across from her, staring at me with naked annoyance.

“Yo, Simon.” He gave me a chin nod and said, “We're having a private conversation, dude. You mind?” His tone wasn't mean, it wasn't rude, but there was no room for argument. I was being dismissed, and if I didn't turn around and leave immediately, Eli would likely stuff me headfirst into one of the potted birds-of-paradise decorating the courtyard.

“Sorry,” I said. My declaration of love turned tail and ran, just like I did, making sure to shut the doors behind me.

Ben and I stayed out of the way, watching Coop treat Cassie's knuckles with ice and quietly lecture her about fighting. It was admirable that Cassie had stopped Blaise and his idiot friends from forcing Freddy to chug the cup filled with tiny pours from dozens of different drinks, an act that would have surely sentenced the kid to a night dancing the porcelain ballet, but Blaise was a dick and he could have seriously hurt her.

Which was probably what Coop was telling her in the corner by the sink. The last thing I wanted to do was get between Coop and one of his little lectures. While it was true that Coop would always be there to help pick up the pieces in the aftermath of whatever crazy scheme his friends got tangled up in, the price of that help was a long-winded treatise on everything we'd done wrong in the history of ever. And right now, Cassie was getting an earful.

“Think we should rescue her?” I asked Ben.

“What?” Ben looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time that night. He'd been somewhere else and I didn't know where.

“Cassie?” I said, pointing.

Ben shrugged. “I'm not getting in the middle of that. Besides, Bruiser's proven she can take care of herself.”

I wished that I shared Ben's confidence. If anything, Cassie's uncharacteristic outburst proved how unstable she was, how much she needed help. Maybe Coop's help, maybe mine.

“Wipe the drool, Simon,” Ben said. I brought the world back into focus and found that Cassie was staring at me staring at her. She rolled her eyes and I caught a flicker of a smile before she turned back to Coop, nodding in agreement—which was pretty much the only way to shut Coop up once he got rolling. “I asked if you knew Chuck Bell,” Ben said.

“Not really. Why?” Chuck wasn't the kind of guy Ben associated with. He wore his oddness like a Boy Scout merit badge, proud to be different, happy to be a one-man freak show. I respected Chuck but I'd never hang out with him.

“I'm betting he has a condom,” Ben said.

“Go offer him something for it.”

“It's not that easy,” Ben said. He was getting his evil-genius look. The pinched-faced, distant expression he wore when he was calculating odds, mapping trajectories, and usually figuring out a way to drag Coop and me into a shitstorm of trouble. “If I flat out ask him for it, he'll know that I want it and jack up the price.” Ben patted down his pockets. “Which would be trouble since I'm pretty much cleaned out. Ain't got nothing left to barter with but my sweet, sweet ass.”

“And we all know that's not worth a charcoal briquette in hell.”

“Ha, ha.” Ben punched me lightly in the arm, his heart not really in it.

I'd been holding up the wall for the last five minutes and I stood up straight. For a second, I felt untethered and light, like gravity had relinquished control of my body. I chalked it up to the liquor I'd drunk earlier, but even I knew that most of that had run its course. “I'll go ask him,” I said.

Ben grabbed a handful of my shirt and yanked me back. I shoved him off and smoothed down my tee, making sure Ben hadn't stretched the collar.

“Do you want it or not?”

“Don't worry about it,” Ben said.

“Don't you want to get your freak on?”

Ben snorted. “No one gets their freak on anymore, Simon. It's no wonder you've never been able to hook up with Cass.”

“Oh, burn,” I said. “But you have a life partner and you're still a virgin.” I made an L with my right hand and held it to my forehead. “You must be so frustrated. All those nights, making smoochies, unable to seal the deal. If Coop was my boyfriend, we would have done it ages ago.”

“Simon,” Ben said slowly. “That's about the gayest thing you've ever said. And you've said some ridiculously gay things before. Sometimes, I think you're actually gayer than Coop and me combined. Maybe it's our fault. We've kept you from mingling with your own kind and warped your poor heterosexual brain.” He patted me on the cheek and headed over to the keg.

While Ben flirted shamelessly with the girl who was manning
the keg, I risked a glance back in Cassie's direction and tried to read Coop's lips. Cassie was smiling now, laughing a little, and I had a moment of panic imagining Coop telling Cassie all my deep, dark secrets, like the time I farted in his car and accidentally crapped my pants. It was only a tiny bit of poo, but the way Coop told it you'd think I had the Old Faithful of shit exploding from my shorts. But the fear passed when Ben returned and handed me a red plastic cup of beer.

“I was serious earlier,” I said. “I'll go talk to Chuck for you.”

“No.” If he hadn't said it quite so forcefully, I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it.

“Why?” I asked, suddenly more interested in why Ben didn't want me to help him get the condom than in the topic of Coop and Cassie's conversation. “Ben? Are you scared?”