Flying Under Bridges (41 page)

‘I
think we should have a home birth,’ declared Pe Pe. ‘Why go to hospital? It’s
not as though I’m sick. People only ever die in the hospital.’

William
shook his head. ‘I don’t know, darling, I don’t think it’s safe. It can be very
nice in the hospital these days. I think they even do water births.’

‘Shirley
had one of those,’ Eve added, but no one was listening.

John
beamed. ‘What are you going to call it?’

‘Definitely
William if it’s a boy,’ said William.

‘I don’t
know,’ whined Pe Pe. ‘I really want something unusual.’

Eve
didn’t like to tell them that with Pe Pe’s genes that was almost certainly what
they’d get. Eve knew she should be more helpful. It was what was expected.
Women were pleased and did pleased things when people said they were having
babies. Eve wondered if she would have felt differently if Shirley were having it.
The men went off to find champagne in the cellar, Shirley went to try and tell
Mother and Eve was left alone with Pe Pe. Alone and confused.

‘How,
Pe Pe? How are you pregnant? You told me…’

Pe Pe
blinked at Eve. ‘What does it matter? Look how happy he is.’

‘I want
to know. William doesn’t have any sperm. You told me that. What was it — a bloody
immaculate conception?’

Pe Pe
put her handbag down on the counter and played with the handles. ‘Look, it’s
done,’ she said.

‘Yes
and who done it?’

Pe Pe
sighed and looked towards the cellar door where the men had disappeared to find
drink. ‘Eve, it doesn’t matter.’

‘Who?’
Eve persisted. She had had enough secrets to last a lifetime. Eve thought she
knew but she had to hear Pe Pe say it.

‘It was
John.’ Pe Pe lowered her voice and whispered urgently. ‘It was his idea and he
was so sweet.’

‘John?
John Antrobus?’

‘He
just wanted to help.’

Shirley
came in to get Mother a glass of water. She hugged Pe Pe and then Eve.

‘Mum,’
she said, enfolded in her mother’s arms, ‘I was going to wait but I just can’t.’
I knew, I knew what was coming. ‘John’s asked me to marry him and… I’ve said
yes!’

Eve
nearly choked. ‘What about university?’

Shirley
stroked her mother’s arm. ‘It’s okay. I’m going to take another year out and
then go. Maybe choose somewhere near Edenford.’

‘But
Durham, Exeter…’

Shirley
smiled and took Mother her glass of water. Eve could hardly contain herself.
She turned on Pe Pe and practically screamed, ‘You had an affair with—’

Helpful
John, engaged John, appeared carrying a bottle in one hand and Eve’s husband in
the other.

‘Cracked
his head, I’m afraid. Bit overexcited,’ explained William.

‘Who’s
having an affair?’ mumbled Adam, as Shirley came back into the kitchen. Even Pe
Pe’s fake smile wavered.

‘It’s
nothing,’ she managed, looking at John, at William, at Shirley and finally at
Eve. ‘Eve!’ she implored.

And in
that moment Eve didn’t have it in her to tell the truth. She didn’t have it in
her to hurt her daughter or her brother.

‘No one’s
having an affair,’ she said. ‘Now, shall we pour the—’ Eve reached for some
wine glasses on a shelf but Adam got up and almost stumbled into her.

‘It’s
that woman, isn’t it? That bloody dyke next door.’ He had had too much to
drink. It was all a mistake. ‘I saw you… the two of you… sitting together
in the garage … leaning on each other.’

Eve
didn’t know why she felt defensive. She had no reason to but she did. ‘Her
partner died,’ she said.

‘Oh,
really,’ Adam sneered. ‘So she’s free now. Free to run off with you. Is that
the plan? It’s not enough for you that people talk about my own son? Now you
want to run off with that… that freak. Is that it, Eve? What was she giving
you that I couldn’t? Huh?’

Eve
looked at her partner, her husband, her lover. ‘You haven’t been giving me
anything for some time now.’ Eve meant support but he took it all wrong.

‘I’ve
been injured!’ he screamed. ‘You know I was injured. How dare you kick a man
when he’s down? You… you slut. You slept with that pervert and now everyone
knows. I can’t even look at you.

Eve
looked at him and had no idea what she was supposed to do. It was comical
really. She couldn’t say anything about John because it would break Shirley’s
heart, she couldn’t say anything about Pe Pe because William was so excited and
he was her brother and it’s what he longed for, she didn’t want to say anything
bad about Inge, she didn’t like the way Adam had jumped to his conclusion…

It wasn’t
the best family get-together they’d ever had.

Eve was
outside Hogart, Hoddle and Hooper the next morning before they opened. She
stood in the High Street watching everyone go about their business and none of
it was anything to do with her. There was a Sold sign up outside the Susan
Lithgood shop and a notice in the window welcomed a new establishment providing
Professional Dry-Cleaning.
The notice was so large it gave some
suggestion that until now Edenford had had no
professional
dry-cleaning
but amateurs in the field had been a perfect pest. The first snow was beginning
to fall and Eve was cold. Colder than she had ever been. John was among the
first to arrive.

‘Eve!
What a lovely surprise. I’m afraid I’ve got rather a hectic morning.’

They
stepped into reception where a young typist was busy sharpening her nails for
the morning post.

‘I need
to speak to you now, John,’ Eve said very loudly.

‘Love
to, love to.’ He looked around a little agitated. ‘But it’s not a good time. I’ve
got—’

‘Now!’
she commanded. ‘Or do you want to do it out here? I have one or two matters
regarding my sister-in-law that you might—’

‘Right,
right.’ He bundled his future mother-in-law away to his office at the back of
the building, moving with the confidence and self-assurance of those who don’t
stop to think. The place was immaculate. Apart from the bundles of papers tied
in pink ribbon on top of a large wooden filing cabinet, it didn’t look like
anyone worked there at all. There was a silver-framed picture of Shirley on his
desk. Eve couldn’t look at it.

‘Now
then, Eve, what’s so urgent? Something legal?’

‘I know
you, John—’ she began.

‘Of
course, you do. Eve, you’re upset, I can tell.’ He began to oil his way round
her. ‘The others went off at the deep end last night but I can quite see how
this little misunderstanding—’

‘No, I
mean, really know you. At first I thought it was an accident that you started
the rumours around town about blood and Aids and the refugees but it wasn’t an
accident, was it? You sent Horace Hoddle that leaflet from Dover. You were
determined they wouldn’t come here. It was you who put all that Adam and Eve
family shit in Adam’s head, all that Centurion protect-our-women bollocks. And you
knew Mrs Andrews would shut Inge out—’

John
raised his hands in mock surrender. ‘Eve, you’re mistaken. I was only trying
to be nice.’

‘You
represent the bloody woman.’

‘Well,
yes I do now, but everyone is entitled—’

‘You
thought Lawrence would damn Kate in the hospital, didn’t you? That’s why you
came. To see him give one final judgement.’

John
picked up a pencil sharpener and slowly began to work his way through a pile of
new pencils. ‘Lawrence is a very forgiving man.’

‘But
you’re not, are you?’

John
sat back in his chair and for the first time looked Eve straight in the eye. ‘Since
you ask me — no. Gay people make me sick. All that fucking gay pride, flaunting
their fucking perversions in your face. It’s a sin and that’s all there is to
it.’

‘So is
sleeping with someone else’s wife. I know about Pe Pe, John,’ Eve said. John
stopped his sharpening and looked at her. Then he picked up the framed photo of
Shirley and turned it towards Eve.

‘Shirley
and I are getting married,’ he said. ‘I intend for her to be a very prominent
member of this community. What do you want, Eve?’

‘I want
to know the name of the funeral parlour where Kate is.

‘I don’t
think you should get involved.’ John attempted one last charge. ‘It would be a
shame if those ridiculous rumours about you and Inge—’

He
never got a chance to finish. Eve banged opened the door to John’s office to
make sure everyone could hear. ‘I don’t give a damn what anyone says about me
and I am quite happy to tell anyone who cares to listen that you—’

John leapt
to his feet and slammed the door shut. ‘Look, I can’t give you that kind of—’

‘Now.’

What
Eve learnt from Inge was that her achievement of any kind of self-esteem was an
incredible victory against almost insurmountable odds in the society we live
in. She was utterly dignified when they went to the funeral parlour. Eve took
her in her leaping, objecting car and Inge never said a word.

The
whispering funeral parlour attendant was thrilled to meet Inge. He had been a
fan, he didn’t care what the papers said, she was all right by him and anyway,
they wrote a lot of nonsense. He was sure she wasn’t ‘one of those’. Inge was
gracious, Inge smiled.

‘I’m
Katherine Andrews’ cousin,’ she told him. ‘I’m afraid I need to pay my respects
now. I can’t make the funeral.’

Of
course he understood. She was busy. She couldn’t do ordinary things like make
time in life for the inconvenient deaths of others.

They
had laid Kate out in what appeared to be a British Rail waiting-room. Magnolia
partition walls separated her from the rest of the dearly departed and wailing
could be heard up and down the corridor. Her face had a strange white sheen to
it. Some odd make-up the funeral directors had swiped across a woman who had
always liked her face free. She lay in a dress Inge had never seen before. Inge
stood and stared at her and Eve realised she was afraid. It was utterly
bewildering to be afraid of her beloved Kate and yet she was. She hadn’t wanted
to come into the room and see her lying there. The more she looked, the less she
could see her Kate. The face looked a bit like her but Kate had gone somehow.
Eve knew that if Tom cut her open then her soul would no longer be there. Eve
knew that Kate, of all people, had had one, she just didn’t know where it was
now.

‘It’s a
trick,’ Inge whispered. ‘She looks like some Madame Tussaud’s dummy. I don’t
know that dress. I didn’t know she had a dress.’

Eve
didn’t know what she had thought would happen. That maybe Inge would fling her
arms around the body and hug her tight. Now she wasn’t even sure if Inge wanted
to kiss her. Inge inched her lips slowly down to Kate’s forehead. Kate’s hair
looked stiff and her glasses were missing from the top of her head. A strong
chemical smell leapt up from the plain, pine box. As Inge placed her lips on
Kate’s head her whole body stiffened and Eve knew that even then she still felt
fear.

When
they left Inge was silent. She was silent all the way home. As she got out she
said, ‘She wasn’t there, was she?’ And Eve answered, ‘No,’ but neither of them
knew what had happened to Kate.

Eve had
forgotten it was her birthday. Adam was supposed to come home early to take her
out for dinner — two meals for the price of one at the Harvester if you ate
before seven-thirty. He didn’t come but Horace Hoddle sent a note — Adam had
lost the election. By one vote. And Eve knew she was guilty as charged.

Chapter
Twenty-six

8
February

Holloway
Prison for Women

London

Dear Inge,

I had the dream again last
night. The one with the plane that I have to fly. This time though it wasn’t so
scary. I still didn’t know how the controls worked but I liked looking at them.
I ran my hand over them and I wanted to fly, I just didn’t know how.

I tell you that to let no
day pass without discussing goodness and examining both myself and others is
really the very best thing that a man can do, and that life without this sort
of examination is not worth living.

(Socrates,
Apology 382)

Socrates
was put to death for the crime of examining with a truly open mind the most
cherished beliefs of the day. I think it could happen to anybody.

We are
closing in on the end. The shrink looks at me, the lawyer looks at me.

‘Did
you? Did you?’ they want to know. ‘Did you sleep with your neighbour?’

No one
actually has the nerve to ask me but it appeals to the gossip in them all. Even
the educated think there must be some tabloid explanation. They have not been
listening. Not really listening. It is just a soap opera. I think the shrink
has replaced his hopes of my case turning into a learned book with the idea
that it might become a made-for-TV movie. Tom says the Hindus call this
kālīyuga — it is the age of blackness in which people become
increasingly incapable of discerning right from wrong and the beautiful from
the grotesque.