Fix Up (16 page)

My brain is short-circuiting. I see Dr. Charles Marshall in front of me, blushing deeply, his eyes holding mine with difficulty. I can't even process what he has just told me with such a passion I’ve never guessed I’d hear coming from him. Knowing something and hearing it make things different. I don't know why, but all of a sudden I imagine Duke in my shoes and me in his. I imagine him seeing a young, good-looking psychologist who fell in love with him while he lied to me, and all I feel is a blinding pain and a disappointment so strong that I'm sure I will not be able to look him in the eyes again after everything we’ve been through to be together.

"But you don't feel the same for me," Dr. Marshall says, his voice lower, pain lacing his words. I feel bad.

"I love Duke."

He nods and takes a deep breath, his blue eyes now darker. I know what that means. He's sad and angry, but he's way too nice to let his emotions rule him. Maybe that's also why I feel it's easy to talk to him. It's not like with my parents who are always about to cry when they think or know I'm sad or with Kate who is so vibrant with life that she's strongly reacting. It’s not like Derek who is like a brother to me now, or like Duke who is the man who feels so strongly, without restraint on all his emotions that he's a passionate man in every aspect of his life. It's easier to talk to someone who knows how to deal with his emotions the way Dr. Marshall does even if what he feels is everything but professional.

"Why are you going to break up with him then?"

"He's not happy with me, and I betrayed his trust, the most important thing in a relationship. I want the best for him, and even if I know he loves me enough to forgive me and stay with me, I don't want that kind of life for him. I want him with someone more stable, able to deal with her love and who is not going to screw everything up that is good in her life just because she's lost. He deserves better."

"And what about you in all of this?"

"What about me?"

He sighs and frowns. "With Sean you did everything for him and his happiness, forgetting yourself. Now you're trying to do the same thing with Duke. You have every right to be selfish from time to time if it's to be happy."

"I'm not ready to be in a relationship. I know it, knew it a while ago, but I was selfish enough to try out this relationship because Duke makes me feel things I’ve never felt for anyone before. But I'm not ready. I spend most of my time thinking about Duke and my relationship instead of thinking about Sean's trial coming, his mother that I want to help and my parents who want to come. But that, I forbid because I don't want to see the pain in their eyes whenever they look at me. I'm deluding myself and hiding behind troubles in my relationship, troubles I create myself." I take a deep breath, dizzy for talking so fast for so long.

Dr. Marshall writes something and smiles at me softly, almost fondly, even if he knows nothing will happen between us. He's really a great man, and I feel bad for him to feel attracted to a messed up girl like me.

"I'm going to tell you something, but I want you to stay calm."

If there's something you should never say to someone like me, it's that. I shrug deceptively as my heartbeats increase immediately. "I'm all ears."

He looks at my face a little longer before he nods to himself. "People who have gone through what you went through often need to visit their aggressor."

I blink twice and lean toward him over the gigantic desk. "You mean that I should visit Sean in prison?" The disbelief in my voice doesn't even cover how I feel right now. Panic comes first, but it's fast replaced with anger, confusion and finally settles on fear. This is another thing I'm not ready to face. Sean is and probably always will be my weakness because I still can't forget the boy he was when I first met him or the Sean I saw so hurt when his father beat him and his mother. I just can't. I shake my head from left to right, my hair flying everywhere around my face.

"Maybe you're not ready now, but at some point you do need closure."

"I had closure the moment the police locked him in their car and I was taken to the hospital."

I'm shivering despite the heat in the office with the sun rays coming through the tall window. Whenever I feel so unsettled, so afraid, I'm cold and shiver like if I’ve spent hours in a cold shower. It's almost as if the worst winter ever is raging inside my body and I have no control over it.

"No, Skye. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel lost with what you feel about Sean and the past you had with him. You still feel some kind of link with him, and it's understandable. You have to sever that link to truly move on or you're bound to repeat the same mistakes you did with Duke in another relationship."

Thinking about having a relationship with a man other than Duke is making me sick, but I keep quiet because aside from that last tidbit, he's right. Sean was my first everything, the center of my world for a long time, and now that I'm living my own life, I have to close things up once and for all. Helping his mother will not cause that to happen. I need closure for myself, to find a real peace and not just the kind you feel when you ignore the things tearing you apart deep inside.

"I'm not sure I can do that," I whisper, my eyes damp as the first person I think about is Duke by my side, helping me through this new hard task.

"If you can acknowledge that you do need closure, it means that you're closer than you think. When you are ready, ask someone to go with you. It's going to be hard, but you'll feel better after."

I nod and glance at the clock on the wall. It's time to end this session, and it's great because I only want to go to my bed and mope, even if I have to go to my psychology class first—like I really feel up to that and seeing Duke right now.

I stand up, and as I'm heading to the door, Dr. Marshall's voice stops me. "Will you give me a chance?"

My throat closes up at his chocked up voice and defeated tone because we both know the truth. "Even if I could, it wouldn't be a fair shot."

*  *  *

DUKE

I stop mid-sentence when I see her walking in the room, her eyes barely seeking me out. From here I can see the pain radiating from her. It’s like a flashback of the Skye I met a few months ago.

“Duke?’’

I blink and turn back to the girl, a psychology major, who also pretty much thinks that she’s already a pro. I don’t even register the distaste painted on her face or how her new glasses are eating most of her face. “Yeah, whatever.’’

Turning around, I sit on my allocated chair and search for Skye among the sea of students taking their seats. I finally find her, and I can’t look away. Her shoulders aren’t proud and straight as they’ve been for the last few weeks. She keeps her eyes locked on her laptop as her hair falls around her face, but she doesn’t push it away. I know why. Her hair is like a little wall protecting her.

I silently will her to look at me, to lock her beautiful eyes with mine, to see that even though I’m still mad, even though she disappointed me and hurt me by lying, I’m still completely head over heels in love with her.

But she doesn’t look at me. Not once. Not even a fucking glance.

*  *  *

SKYE

"I want that paper next week. I don't want to hear your poor excuses. We're not in high school anymore," Dr. Dills says, ending the class without further ado. Finally this is ending my own torment as now I can escape the class and try to avoid Duke, who kept looking at me all along with a worried expression I don't deserve.

I jump up from my chair and don't even turn off my laptop. I close it, throw it in my open backpack and start walking before I'm even finished zipping it. I shoulder passed several fellow students busy talking and laughing, but I don't care one bit that I'm bumping into other people. I'm only thinking about the open door very close now.

"Skye! Wait up!" Duke yells above all the other noises and several heads turn his way before they search who he is talking to. I've got two or three dozen people looking at me strangely, walking very slowly.

I close my eyes briefly, not wanting to see or be a part of what is about to happen. I'm not ready to end thisbetween us. I'm not ready to face him and tell him that it's over. I stand still, the other students walking out as I keep my back to Duke. I can feel his eyes on me, detailing everything from my reluctance to look back at him, my straight back, and my hands made into fists at my sides. Now, I just hope that Kate and Derek haven’t told him anything about me breaking up with him. It's not something you should do like this, in an empty classroom. Indeed, I guess there's not a perfect place to break up with the person you love with all your heart and soul. No matter what, it hurts.

"Just because I asked for a break, doesn’t mean we can’t still talk to each other,’’ he says, hurt in his voice, but it's nothing compared to how I feel at this very moment.

He doesn't even imagine what I'm about to do, and I'm not even sure if I'm ready to face his hurt and pain. I take a deep breath and turn around. His dark eyes have these shadows that first attracted me to him, and this time it's not because he's grieving his old girlfriend. It’s because of me. He's pale, paler than the last time I saw him.

I can't hold the intensity in his eye, so I look down at my oversized sweater while tugging at the hem. A shiver goes down my back, but I ignore it. I also ignore my urge to beg for a big hug, the hug he's the only one able to give me to make me feel whole and not broken. I can't ask for it because afterward I won't be able to do this.

"You're not happy with me." My voice is shaky, pathetic, but that statement grounds me enough to look up and face him.

He widens his eyes slightly and shakes his head, his dark hair falling in his eyes before he brushes it away impatiently. "What are you talking about?"

"Our fights are hurting you and ... look at you." I wave at him from head to toes. "I'm making things harder for you."

He takes a step closer to me, and I take two away. He freezes, worry lines etching on his face. "Skye?"

Tears slowly invade my eyes, but I blink them away at the plea in his voice. He knows what I'm doing, and I'm breaking him all over again. Sometimes, it's for the best. He'll be stronger once he’s healed.

"I'm not made for a relationship, and you deserve someone better," I choke, my voice breaking, but I keep my head up, my eyes locked with his so intense and expressive. His dark eyes are burning me, begging me.

"You can't break up with me." He walks to me and grabs me by my shoulders before I can move away. His strong hands are shaking. I don't even know who is shaking the most, my body or his hands. This time, I can't feel the heat of his skin through my clothes, all I feel is a bond through our pain. For once, that pain is needed. "Stop this, Skye."

"It's ..." Damn it, it's so hard to say those words. I take a deep breath. "It's over."

He releases me like I’ve burnt him, and he takes several steps away from me. He's not tall and handsome right now. He's lost in a pain so deep and strong that I can see a glimpse of the Duke his family and Derek described to me. And I'm afraid, afraid that he's going to do something stupid just because he can't deal with such intense emotions, the intense emotion of feeling abandoned.

"You're just upset."

I let a tear fall before a sob breaks free from me as he's trying to hide two fat tears falling from his haunted eyes, eyes that I'm sure to see whenever I close my eyes. The muscles in his arms are straining, his tattoos dancing on his tanned skin.

"No, Duke." I shake my head and cross my arms around me, seeking some heat to warm me. "I love you. I love you so much, but it's not enough. I'll always be the one screwing things up between us because you were right the other day. I am sabotaging us because I'm not made or not ready to be in a relationship." My tears are still falling, faster and faster as I'm talking with more certainty. "You're an amazing guy, the kind girls only dream about, but you're real. You are still healing from a rough period of your life, and you deserve someone to support you instead of someone like me that you have to take care of. It should be both ways, the support, but in our relationship it's always you saving me."

"You saved me," he whispers, his eyes damp and red, his voice choked. "You don't know how I feel for you, Skye. Love is just a word people say, and they all forget the meaning of it." His breathing is sharp, his body taut. He walks to me, stopping a breath away from my body. He looks down at me. I feel small and fragile next to him. "But for me it's more than just love. You want the truth?" he says louder, anger taking over, drying his eyes. "I loved Juliet with all my naïve heart. I was devastated when I lost her, but you ..." He tugs on his hair hard and bites on his lower lip leaving a little red mark of his teeth. "You are the one I can spend hours every day and night looking at. You're the one I want to look at me, deep inside to see the ugly and the good in me. You're the only one who can reach me even when I think I'm lost in my pain. You're the one I'm proud to be with. You're the only one I feel so connected to when I'm making love to you. You're the only one I can't get enough of, even when I'm deep inside of you." He's breathing loudly, his cheeks turning deep red. His eyes are pinning me, taking my breath away. "And you know what? I came to realize that even if Juliet was alive and I met you, I would have fallen for you as hard as I am right now."