First Thing I See (15 page)

               Dr. Andrew’s office was simple and
understated.  Pale blue walls with two worn dark chocolate leather couches
facing each other separated by a glass coffee table made the room feel warm and
homey.  An old oversized desk at the far corner of the room was covered with
papers and files.

               Kennedy spent two hours sitting across from
the silver haired distinguished Psychologist.  He had known Dr. Andrew’s for
almost fifteen years, but hadn’t seen him in the last four.  Kennedy told Dr.
Andrews about the days leading up to the nightmare and his feelings for Hope. 

               “Our dreams often come from our subconscious
and sort through memories we don’t even realize exist in our brain.  As we go
through our normal daily activities, there are things that can trigger our
memory.  When we are awake, our psyche protects us and keeps us focused on the
things going on outwardly around us.  When we sleep, our brain can match the
triggers to old memories and bring stored memories back into focus.” 

               Kennedy had heard the speech before.  He even
understood what was happening before he spoke to Dr. Andrews.   He didn’t go to
see him to understand the psychology behind his nightmares.  He needed Dr.
Andrews to tell him that it wasn’t his fault that Kelly disappeared.  But he
knew why Dr. Andrews never told him that.  Because it was his fault.   If he
hadn’t been so selfish and made her cry again, she would never have run off. 
He made her run straight into the arms of danger and he didn’t protect her. 
She trusted him and he let her down.   She thought he would always be there to
protect him, but he wasn’t.

               Dr. Andrews suggested that Kennedy tell Hope
about Kelly, so that she could understand what he was going through.  Kennedy
said he would think about it, but he knew he could never tell her.  He was
ashamed to admit what he had done.  Ashamed to tell her that it was his fault
she never came home.  That he didn’t protect her enough.   

***

               Tuesday                afternoon Kennedy sat
in the large glass conference room at the head of the long conference room
table.  His executive team had just completed a monthly presentation on the status
of their open projects.   But he hadn’t really heard a word that any of them
said.  He wasn’t even sure how long he had been sitting there since the meeting
had broken up.  He couldn’t stop thinking about Hope.  He was consumed by her. 
Obsessed.  What if something happened to her while he was Chicago and she was
in New York? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if harm ever came to
her.  What could he do?  There was only one answer.  Dr. Andrew’s was wrong, he
didn’t need to tell her about his past.  He needed to make sure it didn’t
happen again.  Hope needed to be safe.  He needed her to move to Chicago with
him.  The sooner the better.

               I was nervous about seeing Kennedy Friday night.  
He wasn’t the kind of man that took the easy way out, so I knew he would break
up with me to my face and not over the phone.   I dreaded him coming almost as
much as I couldn’t wait to see him.  I watched out the window until I saw
Charles pull up outside and then I went to the door.  Kennedy climbed out of
the back seat and pulled his duffle bag onto his shoulder.  He had come
straight from the office and still had on slacks, a dress shirt, and jacket,
although the tie had been replaced with a few open buttons of his crisp light
blue shirt.  I drank him in.   My eyes couldn’t help but slide all over him. 
He looked every inch the powerful businessman.  I shuddered at the thought of
losing him. 

               He came toward me, long fast strides dropping
his bag at his feet as he stood in front of me.  “Hope, is everything okay?”  I
nodded and I watched him search my face.  His arm wrapped around my waist and
he pulled me against him tightly.  His focus on me was intense.   A slight
frown between his brows.  “Hope, remember our deal.” 

               Damn him.  He didn’t even have to say the
word lie, and now my face would give me away if I even tried.  My Dad had the
same effect on me when I was fifteen and Shauna and I would come home late with
excuses ready for his interrogation. 

               “Let’s go inside.”   I couldn’t lie, but at
least I could stall or try to change the subject. 

               I watched as he shrugged off his jacket and
sat at the table.  He took my hand and pulled me onto his lap.  “I’ve missed
you.”  One hand reached under my skirt to rub the outside of my thigh while he
spoke.  “Now tell me what’s bothering you.” 

               I watched his hand through the fabric of my
skirt, avoiding his eyes.  “It’s just been a long week.”  Which wasn’t a lie,
the days felt like months as I waited for the moment of reckoning to come. 

               His other hand lifted my chin, forcing me to
look at him.  “All right.”  But he didn’t look convinced.  His fingertips
glided across my face, his eyes searching for more.  The way he looked so
concerned made my chest hurt.  His blue eyes were warm and caring.

               “Let me make you forget your week then.”  His
hand under my skirt shifted from running up and down my outer thigh to lightly
tracing the sensitive skin on my inner thigh.  Kennedy could make me forget the
week.  He could make me forget everything that happened before he walked into
my life.  His thumb grazed the sensitive skin between my legs and I was
instantly aroused. 

               I closed my eyes but could feel him watching
me.  My face was so close to his, I could feel his warm breath.  He adjusted me
in his lap to allow my legs to open wider.  I reached for his shirt and he
grabbed my hand and pulled it to his mouth, kissing each finger tenderly.  “No
touching, I’m making you forget your week angel.”  I let my head fall against
his chest and relaxed into him. 

               His thumb rubbed my clit in small gentle
circles.  I felt the tension build inside me and my nipples hardened against
the lace of my bra. My pulse quickened as his thumb pressure became stronger
and the circles grew faster.  A small moan escaped.  He pulled my panties aside
and pushed one finger into me, stroking slow and steady until I grew wetter. 
He slid a second finger in and I arched into his hand as he increased the
rhythm.  His thumb rubbed against my clit as he pushed his fingers in and out
of me until I was close.  He plunged a third finger into me and I was on the
edge.   His voice was deep and raspy,  “Cum for me angel.”  And it was all I
needed to tumble over the wall.  I came with a whimper.  “Look at my baby.  I
want to watch you cum.”  I opened my eyes and my eyes locked with his.    I was
unable to look away and he watched as the tears streamed down my face.  “Fuck
Hope.”

               I was still breathless as he pulled me close
to him and held me tight.  I sobbed into his shirt and he didn’t let go until
I’d let it all out.  I pulled back from his embrace and looked at him.   I
didn’t think about what I was going to say, it just came out.  “I’m in love
with you Kennedy.  If you came here to break up with me, please just do it and
get it over with.”

               He looked at me for a moment.  He lifted me
up and carried me to the bed without saying a word.  Then he made love to me
until we fell asleep exhausted tangled in each other.

***

               My eyes fluttered open the next morning to
find him watching me.  “You’re staring at me.” 

               He brushed the backs of his fingers over my
cheeks and kissed my lips gently.  “Move in with me.  Come to Chicago and move
in with me.”    His eyes never left mine.

               “What?”  Not exactly what I was expecting.

               “I can’t handle you being so far away.  I
need you close to me.”  His face was serious.

               “But, I just moved to New York and I have my
job here and a lease on my apartment.”

               “I own a hotel in Chicago.  You can be the
event planner there if you want to work.  And my attorneys will get you out of
the lease here, or I’ll buy it out if they can’t.”

               I leaned up on my elbows.  “You own a hotel
in Chicago?”

               “And one in Atlanta and one in Los Angeles.”

               I was excited to hear Kennedy tell me that he
wanted me to move in with him, but something was missing.  I’d told him I was
in love with him last night, but he didn’t say it back.  Did he feel bad that
he couldn’t so this was his answer?

               “Why do you want me to move to Chicago?”  I
really needed to know.

               “I just told you Hope, I can’t handle being
so far away from you.”             

               My head was spinning; of course I wanted to
move to Chicago to be with Kennedy.  I’d move anywhere he wanted me to go, but
I needed to know that he wanted me to move for more reasons than he just didn’t
like me so far away. 

               “I need to think about it Kennedy.  It’s such
a big change and I just want to make sure it’s right for me.”

               “You love me right?”   He stroked my cheek.

               “I told you I did last night.” 

               “Then what else is there to think about?” 
His fingers stroking my cheek stopped in their place.  He looked silently at
me, waiting for an answer.

               I looked up at him.  “A lot Kennedy.  Yesterday
I thought that you were coming here to break up with me.  Sometimes I feel like
I’m on a roller coaster.  When we are together it all feels so perfect, yet
when we are apart, I feel like I’m going to lose you.”

               He kissed my neck and whispered in my ear.  
“Then if we are together all the time, you won’t feel that way anymore.”

               Although I loved his logic, I wasn’t quite
sure that it was the answer.  I smiled up at him.  “Give me a little while to
think about it anyway, okay?”

               His face grew pouty and I could tell that he
didn’t often not get his way.  I put both hands around his neck and pulled his
face close to mine.  “Maybe you should spend the morning trying to convince
me?” I arched one eyebrow provocatively and pulled the sheet out from between
us so that our naked bodies were touching. 

               “Oh yeah?  You keep looking at me like that
and I’ll convince you so good you won’t be able to walk into The Monet on
Monday to give your notice.”

***

               When Charles came to pick him up on Sunday
evening, I wasn’t ready to let him go.  I wanted to tell him that I would move
to Chicago, but something was holding me back.  Instead, we said goodbye and I
told him that I would come up to Chicago the following weekend.  Maybe when I
was there it would all fall into place? 

               Thursday night was a “friends and family
night” for Shauna’s team and I had promised her that I would come to watch the
game.  All of the players and cheerleaders were given tickets and their guests
were all seated in the luxury boxes and the team hosted a big party after the
game.  I’d gone last year and it had turned into a wild party by half time.  At
the end of the game, after all the fans left, all the players and cheerleaders
joined in the party and it continued on the court floor.   Shauna had made
plans for me to go with a few of the guests of her friends on the squad, some
of them I had met before and liked. 

               When I had told Kennedy about the night, I
could tell from his voice that he wasn’t thrilled, but he didn’t try to tell me
not to go.  But I’d agreed to have Charles drive me home when it was over, and
promised I’d call him when I got in.

               There was about ten minutes left in the game
when I decided to try to find a bathroom outside of the luxury box.  I’d had a
few beers and my bladder didn’t have patience for whatever was going on inside
the luxury box bathroom between the couple that I saw slip in a few minutes
before.  I was about to walk into the bathroom when I was abruptly stopped in
my tracks by a long arm hooking around my waist.

               “Where’s your boyfriend tonight you bitch.” 
Spoken with a drunken slur.

               Startled, I looked up to find the guy that
Kennedy had threatened after he grabbed my arm outside of Salt.  He was drunk
and angry. 

               “Let go of me.”  He laughed at my request and
tightened his grip.

               Then all of a sudden I was free and the guy
was flying through the air.  A very large scary looking bald guy, that looked
like he was either a professional wrestler or just escaped from prison, had drunk
guy by his throat up against the wall.  My rescuer looked vaguely familiar, but
I couldn’t place why.  “I’m sorry that happened Miss.”  I didn’t have time to
say thank you as I watched as large scary guy twisted drunk guys arm behind his
back and escorted him down the hall.

               The rest of the night was uneventful and I
managed to relax a bit by the time Shauna arrived for the after game party on
the court.   We danced and drank and I almost forgot it was a weeknight when I
looked at my watch and saw it was after 2am.  I called Charles and he was
outside waiting when we stumbled to the car laughing.   He drove Shauna home
and then I was back at my apartment.

               My phone rang as I was undressing and I
nearly fell over trying to climb out of my pants while running for the phone. 
“Hello”

               “Your were supposed to call me when you got
in.”  I could tell he was annoyed.

               “I just got in and was going to call you
after I changed.”  I did my best to hide my slur.

               “Tell me about your night.”