First There Was Forever (19 page)

T
here were twenty questions on the test. The first three were okay. Composition of the atom and chemical reactions were clear in my mind. I understood the principles so well I felt like I could roll them around like marbles and look at them from all sides.

But then, after that, it was like gibberish. The blank white of the paper vibrated and pulsed, taunting me. My empty test was like a mirror to own my empty mind. I couldn’t access anything we had learned about stoichiometry last semester. I had never in my whole life failed a test. I wiped sweat from my forehead. I was sinking.

People started finishing, handing in their tests and leaving around noon. Emily left at twelve ten, flashing me a sympathetic smile as she headed for the door.

When everyone was gone, and it was just me and Patty, Patty spoke.

“Time’s up,” she said, from behind her desk. “It’s over.”

I dragged my test off my desk as if it weighed a thousand pounds, walked up to Patty, and dropped it front of her.

She took it and looked it over, noting how empty it was. We both knew I had failed.

“What happened?” she asked.

I opened my mouth to speak and hot tears stung my eyes. My mouth was full of sand.

“I love this class,” I blurted. “And I want to take AP Bio so bad. I really think I could handle it.”

Patty handed me a tissue.

“I don’t know what happened today. I studied,” I sniffled, looking at my shoes. “But I just have a lot going on.”

How had I turned into one of those girls who claimed they had a lot going on just because they were hung up on some stupid boy? I had always hated girls like that. I was supposed to be better than that. Humiliation swelled inside of me.

Patty rearranged the pens on her desk, stalling.

“Listen,” she finally said. When she looked up at me, disappointment was written all over her usually mild expression.

“AP Bio is a demanding class, and a popular class, so I can only enroll students who are really up for working that hard.”

“I know,” I said. “But I really think I can do it.”

“Well, this is your opportunity to show me.” Patty looked at me thoughtfully for a moment before she spoke. “You can retake the test. The first day back after break. And I’ll average the two grades and that will be your grade.”

“Really?” I asked, blotting tears away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.

“Different questions. Same material,” she said.

“Okay,” I sniffled. “Thank you so much for giving me a second chance.”

She nodded, but she didn’t smile or say anything else to me as I packed up my things and left.

T
he next day, Friday, was the start of spring break. I had plans to go straight to the twins’ house from school, and since Meredith was still absent, Walker gave me a ride. We had never really been alone together, and I felt self-conscious sitting in the passenger seat with him driving. He had a manliness that differentiated him from other boys at our school. I remembered how Hailey thought I had liked him, and the thought made me blush.

“I should eat,” he announced, swerving off Sunset Boulevard into an In-N-Out drive-through. “It’s good to eat something before you start drinking. You want something?”

“I’m not hungry,” I said, wondering if Walker even knew that I didn’t really drink. After months of hanging out, I’d never once gotten drunk, but I wasn’t sure he’d noticed.

Walker ordered two cheeseburgers and a milk shake and ate while he drove.

“Is Meredith okay?” I asked. “She was absent all week.”

“She’s fine,” he said. “She had a cold for a couple days and then she didn’t feel like coming yesterday or today. The last day before a break is always pointless.”

He crumpled up his first hamburger wrapper with one hand then reached into the bag for his second.

“So she just, like, stayed home? She’s not worried about her grades?” I asked.

This was the longest conversation Walker and I had ever had. He reminded me so much of Meredith, the way that he was surprisingly natural. It occurred to me that when they weren’t drunk or stoned, they were more normal than most people.

He thought a moment. “We don’t care so much about grades. Did Meredith tell you we’re not going to college?”

I nodded. “She said you might apply next year. After a year off.”

“Maybe,” he shrugged. “Personally, I don’t see it happening. There are other things that matter more than college, even if that’s not what people tell you.”

I smiled. That was such a Meredith thing to say. They both had this amazing way of seeing things that made it seem like everything was always going to be okay.

Walker turned up the volume of the music in the car, and I checked my phone to see if Nate had called. He still hadn’t told me if he was going to make it to Meredith’s house tonight.
No new messages
. Each time that I checked my phone and saw that he hadn’t texted, I felt another ounce of happiness drain out of my heart.

When we arrived, Henry was lying naked on a lounge chair by the pool. He didn’t seem embarrassed to be seen by any of us, not even Walker. Lily and Meredith were wading in the pool.

“Hey, friends,” he said lazily when he saw us.

I wasn’t attracted to Henry or anything, but I felt a really strange desire to examine his body. I had never seen a naked guy before, and I was curious. I forced my eyes not to linger on the dark region of his groin.

Meredith hoisted herself out of the water and sat at the edge of the pool, dangling her legs in the water. The water had made her bra and underwear totally see-through.

“Mer, where’s the cord that connects the outdoor speakers to the stereo?” Walker asked, unfazed by her nudity. I could see the rosy color of Meredith’s nipples and the dark patch in between her legs, and I wondered why it wasn’t weird for Walker to see her like that, too.

“I think it’s in the top drawer to the right of the stereo,” she said, seeming as relaxed as her brother, “where you keep the remote control.”

I borrowed one of Meredith’s bathing suits and swam until my skin was rubbery and raisined. Around me the others drank and smoked pot, ate chips and store-bought chocolate chip cookies.

I tried to enjoy myself, but I kept thinking about Nate. It was almost seven. What was he doing tonight instead? Why was he so impossible to pin down? I knew checking my phone every five minutes to see if I had accidentally missed a text wasn’t actually helping the situation, but I couldn’t stop. I told myself to try and be present and enjoy the afternoon with my friends, but it was useless. I kept finding myself hoping that Nate would surprise me by coming over. It was a persistent, buzzing kind of hope, like a fly that hovers around your ear while you’re trying to fall asleep. I just couldn’t make it leave me alone.

Why was it that nothing felt fun or important anymore unless Nate was involved? Even the twins’ house, with its magic views and pretty music, was dull. It was strange, the way one person could seem so much more vivid and exciting than a whole group of people. It reminded me of something Hailey had said to me once after she made out with the bartender at my parents’ anniversary party last year. For the few days after it happened, she was high on the whole experience, but within a week, she had resumed talking about Nate.

“Why?” I asked. “How can you just hook up with people and then keep liking Nate? Doesn’t it make you like him less?”

“You don’t get it,” she had said. “A million people can’t replace the one person you love.”

• • •

I got out of the pool before everyone else and went inside, feeling itchy and antisocial. Upstairs, in Meredith’s room, I browsed her bookshelf. She had an archive of vintage
Vogue
magazines and a large, shiny book of Nan Goldin photographs.

I took the photography book, lay flat across her bed, and started looking at the pictures. The people in the pictures were flawed, deformed, and completely naked. The pictures weren’t flattering like the pictures in magazines. They were the opposite. They were harsh, even disturbing. It was bizarre, though, because even though their bodies were imperfect and their flaws were exposed, there was an intimacy in them that I had never experienced from a photograph before. I couldn’t look away.

“Hey.”

I slammed the book shut, embarrassed to be caught and twisted myself around to a sitting position.

Nate was standing in the doorway. My stomach leaped into my chest with joy at the sight of him.

“Hey,” I said back, trying not to act too excited. The house sounded quiet. I had no idea how long I had been up here. “You came.”

He crossed over to the bed and sat down next to me. He was wearing a baby blue T-shirt and beat-up jeans. He looked super-cute.

“We just got here a few minutes ago,” he said, taking my hand in his, winding his fingers through mine so they were knotted together like rope.

“I’m glad you’re here,” I said, my heart fluttering in my chest.

“They’re all passed out down there,” Nate told me. “Did they take horse tranquilizers or something? They look wasted.”

Nate and I went downstairs together.

Meredith was draped across the couch, still wearing nothing but underwear. Her feet were in Henry’s lap, and Henry’s head was drooping onto Lily’s shoulder. They were breathing slow, synchronized breaths.

Ryan emerged from the bathroom.

“I’m ready to leave,” he said to Nate. “So I’m just gonna go wait for you outside.”

“I want to leave, too,” Nate said. And then he turned to me as if it was the most natural question in the world and said, “Are you coming?”

It’s funny. I always thought the most important decisions I’d make in my life would be ones where I’d have lots of time to deliberate. To weigh the costs and benefits, and play out different possible outcomes, even to make a pro-con list. But I was learning that really significant changes can be created in an instant. I just hoped my instincts were good.

• • •

The walk down to Ryan’s house was dark. There was a steady buzz in the air, a combination of electricity and insects and faraway cars. I wasn’t sure what our plan was but when we reached Ryan’s house, we stopped.

“I’m so beat, I’m gonna go pass out,” Ryan said to Nate, not looking at me.

Nate’s face remained completely calm. “Yeah, okay. Talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure,” Ryan said. And then he looked down at me and the faintest flicker of understanding passed behind his eyes. “See you, Lima.”

I felt so close to Ryan at that moment, I wished I could throw my arms around his neck and squeeze him tight. He had helped me escape from the twins’ house and let me and Nate go off together without making anything awkward or weird. I wanted to thank him but instead, all I said was, “Okay, see you.”

I turned to Nate after Ryan had gone inside, unsure what to do.

“Wanna go back to my house?” Nate asked mildly.

A yellow light turned on in one of the upstairs rooms in Ryan’s house.

“Okay,” I said, biting my lip. “Sounds good.”

• • •

We didn’t talk on the way to Nate’s. The radio was on low and scratchy. While he drove, Nate rested his right hand on the gearshift and his left hand on the wheel. He had such an amazing way of seeming relaxed and alert at the same time. I sank back into the seat and closed my eyes, letting myself feel the bumpy road beneath the car.

Growing up isn’t a steady process, I thought. There are actually specific moments, nights, or long strange days when you can almost feel yourself change. This car ride to Nate’s house felt like one of those times.

I opened my eyes and looked out the window so I could watch the city go by. It was late. The streets looked foreign, wider, more anonymous than ever.

I couldn’t believe how easy it was to break the rules. I had always imagined it would take planning and lying and scheming to get around them. But in reality, it was the opposite. Here I was: I just walked right out of Meredith’s house. My parents had no idea. I wasn’t allowed to get into the car with a driver they didn’t know. But what would they think if they knew what was going on at Meredith’s? I had slipped into a life where every choice I made was simply the lesser of two evils. There seemed to be no option that they would approve of. I would never in a million years be allowed to go over to Nate’s house this late on a Friday night. And still, it was all so easy.

My mind flashed on the first time I swam in the ocean. I had been afraid of it for so long that it started to seem impossible to actually do it. But really, the other side is right there. You can just take a deep breath and walk into it.

“Do you want anything?” Nate asked as we drove past a gas station. “A soda or anything?”

“I’m good,” I said. “Thanks.”

I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It was 9:46 p.m. What was Hailey doing right now? Maybe she was out with Skyler, dressed in sky-high heels and surrounded by thumping music. Or maybe she was getting ready for bed in her dim apartment in Mar Vista. I pictured her in frumpy flannel pajamas, her favorite teddy bear waiting for her on her pillow. Maybe she was doing a face mask and looking at pictures of people on the computer.

And suddenly—almost violently—I saw our love triangle clearly for the first time. It was simple. I was going after the boy that my best friend was in love with. I was greedy and selfish. My insides must have been made of something black and ugly and mean. I felt a wave of nausea.

“Hey,” Nate said, bringing me back to the present. We had come to a red light so he turned to face me. For a moment he was still, but then he smiled a little and shook his head, almost like he was in disbelief about something. When he spoke, his voice was so soft that it seemed as if he was talking to himself more than to me. “Lima.”

“Yeah?” I whispered.

“Nothing,” he said quietly. “Just this.”

I chose this,
I thought.
I chose Nate and secrets and lying to my parents. I chose Nate over Hailey. I chose Nate over my perfect, unblemished life. I chose Nate over everything everyone has ever wanted me to be.