First Lady (48 page)

Dev opened her eyes and glared at Lauren. “How can you say I’m a wonderful mother? I put my career and country above my own children! They’re going to hate me for it, and I can’t even find it in myself to blame them for it.”

“You made your decisions, Devlyn, and what’s done is done.”

Dev’s body jerked a little at the blunt truth.

Gray eyes softened. “But, darlin’, it’s how you live with that decision and the choices you make from now on that will make all the difference. The kids are not going to hate you.”

“Even if I hate myself for not being there when they need me?” she rasped, feeling ill.

Lauren swallowed hard as her eyes misted over. “Even then.” Tenderly, she drew her knuckles across Dev’s cheek, wanting nothing more than to be able to kiss away the pain in her lover’s eyes. “I know what it’s like to question a parent’s love. To want support for your hopes and dreams and to be greeted with anger or ambivalence instead.”

Devlyn’s heart contracted painfully. “Oh, Lauren—”

“I can say that you’re a good mother because you love and support your children and despite your ridiculous schedule, they do know that. They believe that, and they won’t ever forget it.” She licked her lips a little and drew in a big breath as she gathered her courage. “But I’m not going to bullshit you. In their eyes, you working to make the world a better place for them will never make up for the time you’re losing with them now. Even with your love, Devlyn, the kids are going to resent the hell out of you, and they’re going to feel the loss of you not being a part of their everyday lives. Sometimes they need to be at the top of your list, no matter what else is on it.”

Dev’s cheeks flushed red, and her voice shook a little as she spoke. “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I know that that’s at least part of what keeps me awake at night?” She ground her teeth together, wanting to scream because Lauren didn’t see her reality. “Everyone is counting on me. People who have nothing and no one to help them are counting on me. One more meeting, one hour less sleep, skip lunch today, and I’m just this much closer. And I don’t know what to do when I don’t have any more to give!”

Lauren groaned, fighting the urge to grab Devlyn by the shoulders and shake her and make her understand. “Don’t you see? You don’t need to give more. You need to give less before you run yourself into the ground. Rearrange your time priorities so that the children, and you yourself, get a bigger share of the time you do have.”

Devlyn sat up and leaned against the headboard. “I don’t know how to do that.”

“Then we’ll figure out how together. You don’t have to do it alone. You have an entire staff to help you. And family and friends who love you. You driving yourself non-stop might not be hurting your work right now, but it is hurting you.” She paused and then admitted the truth. “And that hurts the people who love you.”

A wave of guilt crashed over Dev and a heavy feeling settled in her chest. “Damn,” she hissed. “I never meant for that to happen.”

Lauren’s eyes begged Devlyn to listen to reason, and she drew in a shaky breath as she hugged her pillow tighter. “You can’t keep going on the way you have been. I don’t care about the President and her political successes. I don’t care about global warming and the space program and the price of butter in Portugal and what you can do about it! I care about you and you’ve set an impossible pace that’s tearing you apart.” She threw her hands in the air, her frustration boiling over. “High blood pressure is serious! Does it really have to kill you and destroy our family before you believe what your doctor and I are saying? Is that what you want?”

A stunned, drawn-out silence hung between them.

Dev blinked slowly, feeling her heart jerk in her chest and having no response to Lauren’s vehemently spoken, truthful words.

“Shit,” Lauren uttered quietly, scrubbing her face with her hands and feeling the tears prick her eyes. “I shouldn’t have said that. I know you don’t want that.” She glanced down at her. “But I’m scared,” she admitted miserably, sitting up and pulling her pillow to her chest and hugging it in mute comfort. “I feel like I’m watching a train wreck and I don’t know how to stop it.”

Dev’s chin quivered. “I’m afraid, too.”

Their eyes met and held, a surge of stark emotion passing between them.

“Last week… It’s like everything came crashing down on me. I’m scared that I’ll let down an entire world full of little girls and women who are looking to me to pave the way for them. I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to carry the banner for gays and working mothers and members of my party and a million other causes and people.”

Dev gave Lauren a beseeching look, truly hoping her partner might know the answer. “Who am I supposed to turn away?”

“I can’t answer that,” Lauren admitted honestly, feeling the impossible weight of what Devlyn had committed herself to. “I just know it has to be someone.”

“Over and over, I’ve managed to make that ‘someone’ you and the kids, haven’t I?
 
I’m scared I won’t know my own children and they won’t know me and I’ll get so self-involved that I won’t care. I’m scared that the Secret Service won’t be able to stop the next lunatic with a gun and that everything I’ve left undone will be left that way forever. I’m afraid I’ll fail and disappoint the people who’ve helped me and supported me along the way. They don’t deserve that.” Dev swallowed thickly, and her voice grew even softer. “But most of all, I’m so scared that something will happen to you and I’ll lose you.”

Lauren was certain her heart would break in two. “Oh, God, Devlyn, you can’t tie yourself in knots over something that is pure chance.”

“How can I not?” she demanded.

“I know what happened to Samantha broke your heart. But because something can happen doesn’t mean that it will,” Lauren reasoned, trying not to be utterly overwhelmed.

“And it doesn’t mean that it won’t.” Her eyes went a little unfocused as she let herself think about what had been making her physically ill for the past four days. “Only I won’t get through it this time.” She opened her mouth to speak but had to swallow before the words would come. “I don’t think I could deal with it if something happened to you,” she whispered desperately. “I don’t think I could get up in the morning and breathe and pretend like I was alive when I wouldn’t be. I don’t think I’d want to even try. I—”

Lauren couldn’t stand it another second. She tossed aside her pillow and wrapped as much of herself around her partner as she could. The body against hers jerked as Devlyn fought off her impending sobs. “It’s okay to cry,” Lauren said into Devlyn’s hair, needing the physical contact as much as her partner.

“I… I don’t want to cr- cry.” Dev’s chest heaved with effort, but even then, her words were mixed with the tears she detested. “I want things to be back the way they were be- before I felt like the entire world had climbed on my shoulders and I was too tired and afraid to throw them off.”

Lauren held onto her, gulping back her own tears long enough to get out the words she needed to say. “I want you to listen to me for a minute, okay?”

Devlyn nodded, her throat closed tight.

“I love you more than I can say. And I’ll always be here for us to talk.” She gave Dev another squeeze, wanting to reassure her with every ounce of her being. “And if crying makes you feel better then I’ll hold you all day if I have to, okay?”

Dev nodded again, the words nearly undoing her.

“But I’m in over my head and I know it. You need more than I have to give to get through this. And there are professionals whose job it is to get people past things like this.”

Devlyn drew in a breath and Lauren silenced her by plowing forward. “Just wait. A doctor could help put this relentless stress you’re under into perspective and teach you to manage it. He could help you work past your fears and get you over this impossible notion that you have to be all things to all people.”

“I… I know I can’t do everything,” Dev protested feebly, closing her eyes at what she knew was a loser of an argument.

Lauren shook her head. “You might know it, but you don’t really believe it. Not in your heart, which is the part that needs convincing.” Trembling lips grazed the side of her face and the blonde leaned into the touch, melting. “Please, baby, I wouldn’t suggest it if I didn’t believe it was important. I know how hard this week has been for you. Let someone who knows what they’re doing help.”

Devlyn forced herself to look past her first reaction, which was that she and Lauren could work anything out themselves if they tried hard enough. That she didn’t need to invite some stranger to poke around in her head to do that. “I’m not sure that I can talk about this with anyone but you,” Dev admitted, not wanting to disappoint Lauren, but needing to be honest. She bit her lower lip and added, “Or maybe David.”

Lauren had been expecting that, and she nodded, understanding completely, “I know it’ll be hard. You’re going to have to find someone you can learn to trust. But I have a list of names, and that’s at least a place to start.”

Devlyn’s posture instantly went rigid, and Lauren backed away enough to look into wary blue eyes. She eased her fingers through dark, damp locks as she spoke. “Relax. I didn’t put an ad in the paper for someone who could keep a secret and shrink the President’s head.”

A reluctant smile tugged at Dev’s mouth. She was already feeling better. A plan was forming. It was tentative and raw, but comforting nonetheless. First and foremost, Devlyn was a woman of action. She could make a plan work.

Lauren tried not to look guilty. “I had a little help from some people who love you very much and whose first concern is your welfare and not the country’s. We put this list together before the accident. That was just the last straw.”

Dev’s eyes went round as realization struck. “You spoke to my parents?” Her voice rose to a squeak at the end.

Lauren rolled her eyes. “They’re concerned for you. I had to swear not to put off this conversation just to keep them off the next plane to Washington.”

Dev’s cheeks tinted and she rolled over to lie flat on her back. “I called them and told them about your accident while you were getting your CAT scan.” She let out a low whistle. “I was…”

Lauren smiled gently. “In pieces. Just like I was after....” She couldn’t bring herself to even say it, but she reached down and patted the scar on Dev’s hip, letting Dev know just what she meant. “After seeing you in the hospital.”

Dev sighed. “I know.”

“So you’ll do it?”

The hopeful note in Lauren’s voice was more than Devlyn could ignore. “I love you and I’ll do anything I have to keep us happy and whole. I know it hasn’t seemed like that lately, but I swear with everything I am that it’s true.”

Lauren nearly burst into happy tears. “I know it’s true. I never doubted that.”

“Never?”

“Never,” Lauren confirmed. “Thank you.”

Dev cupped Lauren’s cheeks. “Okay, talking to a doctor is the first part of the plan. Part two—”

Lauren smiled fondly at her lover’s analytical mind.

“I’ll make sure that I’m in bed every night by 1—”

“Ahem.”

Dev blinked. “All right, by mid—”

Lauren cleared her throat again, this time a little louder.

“By 11:30?”

Lauren was silent this time and Dev looked at the smaller woman as though she was crazy. “I had a later curfew in high school!”

Lauren cocked her head to the side in question. “Did you have high blood pressure in high school?”

“Touché.” But Devlyn was smiling now, albeit a watery one. “And I’ll talk to my staff about my schedule and try my best to make Sunday a family day again.”

“Yes!” Lauren’s face lit up like the Fourth of July. With even one day a week off she was certain her driven partner could get the down time she needed for her mental and physical health.
 
She would make sure of it.

Dev conveyed her apology in the form of a soft kiss.
 
“I swear I never meant to stop having Sundays be for us. It just happened without my realizing it.”

Lauren kissed Dev back, this time soundly. “Thank you,” she said against soft lips. “This means more to me than you know.”

“Good. Then you’ll do something for me in return?”

“Anything,” Lauren vowed.

“Call your father and invite him to Thanksgiving. ”

Lauren’s jaw dropped. “But…Ugh.” She made a face. “You suck.”

Dev smiled unrepentantly. “Only when asked nicely. And only when the body parts are attached to you.”

Lauren whimpered, knowing she was well and truly caught.

“I was in the room when you called your dad last month.”

Lauren nodded slowly. “Yes, you were. And I’m sure you saw a conversation that was strained, stilted, uncomfortable and mostly superficial.”

“Yes.”

Inexplicably, Lauren offered a chagrinned smile. “That’s real progress. We’re finally back to normal!”

Dev’s voice dropped an octave and she pursed her lips. “Lauren.”

Lauren narrowed her eyes, but readily admitted defeat. So what if she hadn’t spent a Thanksgiving with her father since before she was in college? The bigger issue was that he would be painfully uncomfortable, like a fish out water, at the White House. She wondered privately if the sometimes-abrasive man could keep from being arrested by the Secret Service while here. Still, a promise was a promise. “I’ll call him on Sunday.”