First Friends (33 page)

Toward the end of the term, the twins had an exeat weekend and Alex made her promise that she would tell them that they had more than a working relationship. At twelve years old, he told her, they were more than capable of understanding about sex. The thought turned her cold with horror but she knew that out of fairness to Alex, something must be said. To her enormous relief, the twins brought home a friend for the weekend. He was the son of a submariner who had always been one of Mark's friends and when she heard the boys talking she realised that as far as school was concerned, the twins were maintaining the fiction that her marriage was just like everyone else's.

It occurred to her that Mark's status was important to them: a father who drove submarines was surrounded by an aura of glamour and they could identify with all the other naval children at the school. It surprised her that none of the many submariners' children had heard
from their parents of the separation or the stories that Mark had told about her and she could only assume that, either they weren't so widespread as she had feared or that they had been discounted. Watching the twins, she knew that she would be quite incapable of causing them any problems or distress and was grateful that no rumours had as yet reached their ears. She could imagine the whispers and remarks that the other boys might make if her affair with Alex became common knowledge and since she was not prepared to think about divorce yet, there was nothing for it but to go on as they were. She knew that she would feel different once the boys were no longer at school locally, if only Alex were prepared to wait.

She went into the bookshop on Monday with a quaking heart and explained what had happened. Alex accepted that it would have been impossible to have any sort of intimate conversation with a third person present and he was very reasonable but made it clear that it was only a postponement. Kate felt that she had a bit of a breathing space but the Christmas holidays were soon upon them and Alex obviously had no intention of spending them in some sort of purdah. She tried for a compromise. Rather than tell the boys the truth, it was agreed that Alex should spend some time at the cottage in the role of very good friend rather than as Kate's boss and they would take it from there.

It started quite promisingly. Alex had given the twins some good presents from the shop so they were already disposed to like him but when he began to appear on a regular basis, the boys were first surprised and then suspicious. To begin with, Alex behaved with circumspection but when he realised that Guy especially was inclined to be awkward he decided to force the pace a little. It really was very unlucky that one of Guy's friends had just been taken away from school because his parents had divorced. He had explained to Guy that his father had refused to pay the fees once the divorce had taken place and Guy assumed that this may happen to him and Giles if Kate divorced Mark. He remembered that Kate had talked of having to go to court over the school fees and red lights began to flash. Coming unexpectedly
upon Alex with his arms round Kate confirmed his fears and Guy became openly hostile.

If Alex hoped that Kate would laugh it off and take his part against the twins he had badly misjudged her. She was upset by their distress and cross with Alex for precipitating the confrontation. Guy had already primed Giles and told him terrible stories about having to leave Mount House and probably the cottage and Giles, with unhappy memories of having one man around, was very ready to side with Guy. There was no way that Kate could take Alex's part against such a united front especially at Christmas of all times and a few days before she told him so.

‘If only we could go on as we are,' she pleaded as he watched her, stony-faced, across his desk. ‘It's only ‘til next September.'

‘That's not quite the point, is it?' he said. ‘The point is that the twins come before me. You're prepared to sacrifice me every time rather than upset them.'

‘Oh, Alex

‘It's perfectly true. We've been going on like this for more than a year and you're suggesting that we do it for the best part of another one.' He crossed his arms across his chest in what, to Kate, looked like a gesture of complete rejection.

‘What are you saying?'

Alex looked at her. It was unfortunate that Pam had waylaid him that morning and asked if he and Kate were ever going to get together. She'd suggested that Kate's name should have been Rachel and his Jacob and laughed when he looked puzzled.

‘She's certainly making you serve your seven years, darling,' she'd said. ‘Are you going to enjoy being a daddy?'

Kate was watching him. He uncrossed his arms and thrust his hands into his pockets.

‘I've got to think about things,' he said. ‘I'm not trying to push you into a divorce but I can't spend another year like the last one. If you're not prepared to be open about our relationship then I think we should call it a day.'

She looked so shocked that he had difficulty in not backing down at once but Pam's thrust had hit a sensitive place and he wasn't prepared to look a fool. Also his defeat at Guy's hands had left him wondering whether he would ever be able to live in amity with the twins.

‘I see,' said Kate at last. ‘Does that mean I've lost my job too?'

‘Of course not.' His voice was irritable, half of him wanting to rush round the desk and take her in his arms, part of him hoping that he might jolt her into changing her mind. ‘You won't be in for a bit now anyway and I've got some buying trips in the New Year. Let's see how it goes.'

‘If that's the way you want it . . . '

‘No, no.' He interrupted her at once. ‘It's not how I want it, Kate. You know what I want, I've just told you. If you're not prepared to acknowledge my position in your life it's your decision not mine. Don't blame me for it.'

‘Yes, that's fair. I quite see that. And just at the moment I don't feel that I can. I'm sorry. Well.' She tried to smile. ‘See you after Christmas then.'

He nodded but didn't move and presently she collected her things and went out, shutting the door gently behind her.

K
ATE DROVE HOME IN
a daze. She felt as if she had been hit on the head and thoughts swirled and dived about in her brain, first one and then another coming to the surface only to vanish before she could bring her mind to bear on it. She struggled to analyse her feelings. It came down to a simple fact: somebody was going to be hurt. If she did as Alex asked there might be many complications with the twins. She tried to weigh this rationally. Would it actually damage them if she insisted on openly living with Alex? She felt that if the rumours reached the school they would certainly suffer. She knew that Giles especially had endured a great deal at Mark's hands—and tongue—and the fact that they pretended that all was still well implied that they needed the security of living within a conventional marriage. Tavistock was a small town and she felt quite sure that somehow rumours would filter back to the
school. Her hands gripped the wheel a little more tightly. She simply couldn't risk it. If she and Alex could have married immediately it would be different but even now, especially now, she couldn't envisage them all living as a happy family. Of course, Alex was right. One day the boys would grow up and leave her and she would have nothing. Was it right to sacrifice her own and Alex's happiness for the sake of a few years?

She was deeply hurt that Alex was not prepared to struggle on. Although she knew that she was asking an enormous amount of him, she had hoped that he loved her enough to make the effort and that what she was giving him was making it worth the difficulties. In his place she felt that she would have tried but she knew that this was probably due more to conditioning than anything else, to an acceptance of her role in second place—whether it was to a job or to a man or to her children. It was a question of self-worth. She would have felt it reasonable to be asked to stand back. Alex did not. Even now she knew that she was preparing herself to accept the fact that it had been too much to ask of him, telling herself that—and this was what it came down to—she simply wasn't worth the sacrifice. She was already excusing and forgiving him and feeling guilty that she couldn't make it right for all of them.

She felt a thrust of pure anger, a ‘what about me?' sensation that consumed all her emotions. For a glorious moment she felt a charge of strength and defiance. She would not enter into yet another relationship in the position of suppliant, feeling grateful and guilty by turns. She was stuck with this particular situation and she must deal with it as she thought best. Whether her methods were right or wrong was not up for discussion. She would be answerable only to herself. She experienced a wave of relief, of freedom, and in this mood drove on to the Rectory.

Cass was in the kitchen when she arrived, sitting at the table writing a last-minute shopping list. She glanced up as Kate appeared and looked at her questioningly.

Kate pursed her lips and shook her head. ‘All over,' she said succinctly. ‘All or nothing. It'll have to be nothing, I'm afraid.'

‘Oh, lovey.' Cass got up swiftly and went to her. ‘I'm sorry.'

‘Don't be. I decided on the way over that it's all for the best. Don't be sorry for me or I shall probably break down and howl.'

‘A good strong drink,' Cass diagnosed at once. ‘A real belter. Would you like it here in peace and quiet? Or would you prefer to join the mob who are busy decking the halls with boughs of holly? The twins are helping Tom with the tree.'

‘Oh, I'll go and watch. It'll cheer me up. And Cass, could I have some coffee first? Not instead of that drink. First. I was too nervous to eat any breakfast and I feel quite empty.'

‘Absolutely. I'll get the kettle on.'

‘I'll do it.' There was a movement in the corner by the dog basket and Oliver, who had been stroking Gus, moved forward.

‘I didn't see you there.'

Kate glanced at Cass, eyebrows raised, and Cass shook her head.

‘Don't worry.' She answered Kate's unspoken question. ‘Oliver's the soul of discretion. He's my best friend.'

Oliver beamed at them with his usual tolerance for adult weakness and went to fill the kettle. Kate strolled across the hall and into the drawing-room. It was a wonderful scene. At the furthest point from the crackling log fire Tom, perched on a step-ladder, was holding a Christmas tree upright while the twins placed billets of wood from the log basket into the brass-bound wooden bucket in which the tree had been placed.

‘Not steady yet,' he was saying. ‘Needs a few more.'

The twins rolled their eyes and blew out their cheeks at her with expressions of exhaustion and responsibility and she smiled at them and went to the fire. Tom winked and pantomimed a kiss and her sore heart felt soothed and comforted. Charlotte, carefully unwrapping and laying out the decorations, smiled at her but Saul was too busy setting out the Christmas crib on a low table to notice her arrival. Gemma stood beside him, turning the tiny figures over and over in her small hands, fascinated by the carved shapes.

Kate sat down by the fire and watched them all. It seemed puzzling to
her that Cass, who did as she pleased and got away with murder, should have been blessed with this delightful family and lovely home as well as a devoted husband who was so good with his children whilst she who had strived to achieve this very thing, giving out, giving up, had so signally failed. She had hoped for it with Alex and even that had gone wrong. Her old despair washed over her for a moment.

‘Here's your coffee.'

Oliver stood beside her and she hastened to smile at him. He was not deceived.

‘When you feel sad,' he told her seriously, ‘you have to think of something nice that you're going to do.'

‘Is that what you do?' She answered him just as seriously as she took her coffee, feeling as she always did that he was just as grown up as she was. Probably more so.

‘Oh, yes. Otherwise I get more and more miserable and I can't get my mind off it, you see. As soon as you feel it coming on you have to think of something good. It can be anything.' He looked at her consideringly. ‘As long as it cheers you up. That's the thing. And then the thing that's been upsetting you doesn't seem so bad after all. What would cheer you up?'

‘I don't know.' She looked at him helplessly. ‘I think you're absolutely right but I just can't think of anything.'

He frowned thoughtfully.

‘Mummy buys clothes,' he offered.

‘I believe you.' Kate chuckled. ‘And a very good idea it is. Something cheerful and cosy, I should think, at this time of the year.'

‘Wait a minute.'

He disappeared and Kate sipped her coffee with the uncanny feeling that she had been talking to the General. Anyway, he had cheered her up. She felt stronger again and less sorry for herself. What a deadening emotion self-pity was. Oliver was back. He gave her a parcel, something squashy wrapped in tissue paper.

‘It's for you.' He nodded to her to open it.

‘For me?' Kate looked puzzled.

‘It's for Christmas.' He pulled back the tissue to show her a roll-neck jersey in softest lambswool, the colour of a holly berry.

‘Oh.' She fingered the luxurious wool.

‘What on earth d'you think you're doing?' Cass spoke above Oliver's head. ‘That's Kate's Christmas present! I haven't even wrapped it yet.'

‘She needs it now.' Oliver was unmoved by Cass's indignation. ‘It's to cheer her up. It'll be too late on Christmas morning. Is it right?'

The blue eyes, Cass's eyes, the General's eyes, looked into her own. She smiled at him and at Cass who was smiling now.

‘Absolutely right,' she said.

I
N THE SPRING
A
LEX
went away on an extensive buying trip. He intended to travel abroad and combine it with taking a long postponed holiday. When Kate learned that Pam had gone with him, she knew that everything was truly over and any form of reconciliation was out of the question. He left the shop and his flat in the charge of a friend of his who was in the trade and was hoping to set up his own business. Jeremy was a shy, gentle homosexual whose company Kate found infinitely restful.