First Comes Baby...: The Loner's Guarded Heart (2 page)

She hugged herself again. She knew her grin must be stupidly broad, but she couldn’t help it. ‘You don’t know what this means to me.’

‘Yes, I do.’

Yes, he probably did. His answering grin made her stomach soften, and the memory of their one illicit kiss stole through her—as it usually did when emotions ran high between the two of them. She bit back a sigh. She’d done her best to forget that kiss, but ten years had passed and still she remembered it.

She stiffened. Not that she wanted to repeat it!

Good Lord! If things had got out of control that night, as they’d almost threatened to, they’d—

She suppressed a shudder. Well, for one thing they wouldn’t be having this conversation now. In fact she’d probably never have clapped eyes on Ben again.

She swallowed her sudden nausea. ‘How’s the jet lag?’ She made her voice deliberately brisk.

He folded his arms and hitched up his chin. It emphasised the shadow on his jaw. Emphasised the disreputable bad-boy languor—the cocky swing to his shoulders and the loose-limbed ease of his hips. ‘I keep telling you, I don’t get jet lag. One day you’ll believe me.’

He grinned the slow grin that had knocked more women than she could count off their feet.

But not her.

She shook her head. She had no idea how he managed to slip in and out of different time zones so easily. ‘I made a cheese and fruit platter, if you’re interested, and I know it’s only spring, and still cool, but as it’s nearly a full moon I thought we could sit out on the veranda and admire the view.’

He shrugged with lazy ease. ‘Sounds good to me.’

They moved to the padded chairs on the veranda. In the moonlight the arc of the bay glowed silver and the lights on the water winked and shimmered. Meg drew a breath of salt-laced air into her lungs. The night air cooled the overheated skin of her cheeks and neck, and eventually helped to slow the crazy racing of her pulse.

But her heart remained large and swollen in her chest. A baby!

‘Elsie said your father’s been ill?’

That brought her back to earth with a thump. She sliced off a piece of Camembert and nodded.

He frowned. The moonlight was brighter than the lamp-only light of the living room they’d just retired from, and she could see each and every one of his emotions clearly—primarily frustration and concern for her.

‘Elsie said he’d had a kidney infection.’

Both she and Ben called his grandmother by her given name. Not Grandma, or Nanna, or even an honorary Aunt Elsie. It was what she preferred.

Meg bit back a sigh. ‘It was awful.’ It was pointless being anything other than honest with Ben, even as she tried to shield him from the worst of her father and Elsie. ‘He became frail overnight. I moved back home to look after him for a bit.’ She’d given up her apartment in Nelson Bay, but not her job as director of the childcare centre she owned, even if her second-in-command
had
had to step in and take charge for a week. Moving back home had only ever been meant as a temporary measure.

And it hadn’t proved a very successful one. It hadn’t drawn father and daughter closer. If anything her father had only retreated further. However, it had ensured he’d received three square meals a day and taken his medication.

‘How is he now?’

‘It took him a couple of months, but he’s fit as a fiddle again. He’s moved into a small apartment in Nelson Bay. He said he wanted to be closer to the amenities—the doctor, the shops, the bowling club.’

Nelson Bay was ten minutes away and the main metropolitan centre of Port Stephens. Fingal Bay crouched at Port Stephens’ south-eastern edge—a small seaside community that was pretty and unspoilt. It was where she and Ben had grown up.

She loved it.

Ben didn’t.

‘Though I have a feeling that was just an excuse and he simply couldn’t stand being in the same house as his only daughter any longer.’

Ben’s glass halted halfway to his mouth and he swore at whatever he saw in her face. ‘Hell, Meg, why do you have to take this stuff so much to heart?’

After all this time
. She heard his unspoken rider. She rubbed her chest and stared out at the bay and waited for the ache to recede.

‘Anyway—’ his frown grew ferocious ‘—I bet he just didn’t want you sacrificing your life to look after him.’

She laughed. Dear Ben. ‘You’re sure about that, are you?’ Ever since Meg’s mother had died when she was eight years old her father had...What? Gone missing in action? Given up? Forgotten he had a daughter? Oh, he’d been there physically. He’d continued to work hard and rake in the money. But he’d shut himself off emotionally—even from her, his only child.

When she glanced back at Ben she found him staring out at the bay, lips tight and eyes narrowed to slits. She had a feeling he wasn’t taking in the view at all. The ache in her chest didn’t go away. ‘I don’t get them, you know.’

‘Me neither.’ He didn’t turn. ‘The difference between you and me, Meg, is that I’ve given up trying to work them out. I’ve given up caring.’

She believed the first statement, but not the second. Not for a moment.

He swung to glare at her. ‘I think it’s time you stopped trying to understand them and caring so much about it all too.’

If only it were that easy. She shrugged and changed the topic. ‘How was it today, with Elsie?’

His lip curled. ‘The usual garrulous barrel of laughs.’

She winced. When she and Ben had been ten, his mother had dumped him with his grandmother. She’d never returned. She’d never phoned. Not once. Elsie, who had never exactly been lively, had become even less so. Meg couldn’t never remember a single instance when Elsie had hugged Ben or showed him the smallest sign of affection. ‘Something’s going on with the both of them. They’ve become as thick as thieves.’

‘Yeah, I got that feeling too.’

Her father had come to fatherhood late, Elsie had come to motherhood early, and her daughter—Ben’s mother—had fallen pregnant young too. All of which made her father and Elsie contemporaries. She shook her head. They still seemed unlikely allies to her.

‘But...’ Ben shifted on his chair. ‘Do we really care?’

Yes, unfortunately she did. Unlike her father, she couldn’t turn her feelings off so easily. Unlike Ben, she couldn’t bury them so deep they’d never see the light of day again.

Ben clenched a fist. ‘You know what gets me? That you’re now stuck looking after this monstrosity of a white elephant of a house.’

She stilled. Ben didn’t know? ‘I’m not precisely stuck with it, Ben. The house is now mine—he gifted it to me. He had the deeds transferred into my name before he left.’

His jaw slackened. ‘He what? Why?’

She cut another slice of Camembert, popped it in her mouth and then shrugged. ‘Search me.’

He leaned forward. ‘And you accepted it?’

She had. And she refused to flinch at the incredulity in his voice. Some sixth sense had told her to, had warned her that something important hinged on her accepting this ‘monstrosity of a white elephant of a house’, as Ben called it.

‘Why?’

She wasn’t sure she’d be able to explain it to Ben, though. ‘It seemed important to him.’

Dark blue eyes glared into hers. She knew their precise colour, even if she couldn’t make it out in the moonlight.

‘You’re setting yourself up for more disappointment,’ he growled.

‘Maybe, but now nobody can argue that I don’t have enough room to bring up a baby, because I most certainly do.’

He laughed. Just as she’d meant him to. ‘Not when you’re living in a five-bedroom mansion with a formal living room, a family room, a rumpus and a three car garage,’ he agreed.

‘But?’

‘Hell, it must be a nightmare to clean.’

‘It’s not so bad.’ She grinned. ‘Confession time—I have a cleaning lady.’

‘Give me a tent any day.’

A tent was definitely more Ben’s style.

She straightened. ‘You’re home for a week, right?’ Ben never stayed longer than a week. ‘Do you mind if I make us an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday or Thursday?’

‘While I’m in Fingal Bay, Meg, I’m yours to command.’

The thing was, he meant it. Her heart swelled even more. ‘Thank you.’ She stared at him and something inside her stirred. She shook it away and helped herself to more cheese, forced herself to stare out at the bay. ‘Now, you’ve told me how you ended up in Mexico when I thought you were leading a tour group to Machu Picchu, but where are you heading to next?’

Ben led adventure tours all around the world. He worked on a contract basis for multiple tour companies. He was in demand too, which meant he got to pick and choose where he went and what he did.

‘The ski fields of Canada.’

He outlined his upcoming travel plans and his face lit up. Meg wondered what he’d do once he’d seen everything. Start at the beginning again? ‘Have you crewed on a yacht sailing around the world yet?’

‘Not yet.’

It was the goal on his bucket list he most wanted to achieve. And she didn’t doubt that he eventually would. ‘It must take a while to sail around the world. You sure you could go that long without female company?’

‘Haven’t you heard of a girl in every port?’

She laughed. She couldn’t help it. The problem was with Ben it probably wasn’t a joke.

Ben never dated a woman for longer than two weeks. He was careful not to date any woman long enough for her to become bossy or possessive. She doubted he ever would. Ben injected brand-new life into the word footloose. She’d never met anyone so jealous of his freedom, who fought ties and commitment so fiercely—and not just in his love-life either.

Her stomach clenched, and then she smiled. It was the reason he was the perfect candidate.

She gripped her hands together. A baby!

CHAPTER TWO

I’
M
PREGNANT
!!!

The words appeared in large type on Ben’s computer screen and a grin wider than the Great St Bernard Pass spread across his face.

Brilliant news
, he typed back.
Congratulations!!!

He signed off as
Uncle Ben
. He frowned at that for a moment, and then hit ‘send’ with a shake of his head and another grin. It had been a month since his visit home, and now... Meg—a mum-to-be! He slumped in his chair and ran a hand back through his hair. He’d toast her in the bar tonight with the rest of the crew.

He went to switch off his computer but a new e-mail had hit his inbox:
FAVOURITE Uncle Ben! Love, M xxx

He tried the words out loud. ‘Favourite Uncle Ben.’ He shook his head again, and with a grin set off into the ice and snow of a Canadian ski slope.

* * *

Over the next two months Ben started seeing pregnant women everywhere—in Whistler ski lodges, lazing on the beaches of the Pacific islands, where he’d led a diving expedition, on a layover in Singapore, and in New Zealand before
and
after he led a small team on a six day hike from the Bay of Islands down to Trounson Kauri Park.

Pregnant women were suddenly everywhere, and they filled his line of vision. A maternal baby bulge had taken on the same fascination for him as the deep-sea pearls he collected for himself, the rare species of coral he hunted for research purposes, and his rare sightings of Tasmanian devils in the ancient Tasmanian rainforest. He started striking up conversations with pregnant women—congratulating them on the upcoming addition to their family.

To a woman, each and every one of them beamed back at him, their excitement and the love they already felt for their unborn child a mirror of how he knew Meg would be feeling. Damn it! He needed to find a window in his schedule to get home and see her, to share in her excitement.

In the third month he started hearing horror stories.

He shot off to Africa to lead a three-week safari tour, clapping his hands over his ears and doing all he could to put those stories out of his mind. Meg was healthy. And she was strong too—both emotionally and physically. Not to mention smart. His hand clenched. She’d be fine. Nothing bad would happen to her or the baby.

It wouldn’t!

‘You want to tell me what’s eating you?’ Stefan, the director of the tour company Ben was contracted to, demanded of Ben on his second night in Lusaka, Zambia. ‘You’re as snarly as a lion with a thorn in its paw.’

Ben had worked for Stefan for over five years. They’d formed a friendship based on their shared love of adventure and the great outdoors, but it suddenly struck Ben that he knew nothing about the other man’s personal life. ‘Do you have any kids, Stefan?’

He hadn’t known he’d meant to ask the question until it had shot out of his mouth. Stefan gave him plenty of opportunity to retract it, but Ben merely shoved his shoulders back and waited. That was when Stefan shifted on his bar stool.

‘You got some girl knocked up, Ben?’

He hadn’t. He rolled his shoulders. At least not in the way Stefan meant. ‘My best friend at home is pregnant. She’s ecstatic about it, and I’ve been thrilled for her, but I’ve started hearing ugly stories.’

‘What kind of stories?’

Ben took a gulp of his beer. ‘Stories involving morning sickness and how debilitating it can be. Fatigue.’ Bile filled his mouth and he slammed his glass down. ‘Miscarriages. High blood pressure. Diabetes. Sixty-hour labours!’ He spat each word out with all the venom that gnawed at his soul.

His hand clenched. So help him God, if any of those things happened to Meg...

‘Being a father is the best thing I’ve ever done with my life.’

Ben’s head rocked up to meet Stefan’s gaze. What he saw there made his blood start to pump faster. A crack opened up in his chest. ‘How many?’ he croaked.

Stefan held up three fingers and Ben’s jaw dropped.

Stefan clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Sure, mate, there are risks, but I bet you a hundred bucks your friend will be fine. If she’s a friend of yours she won’t be an airhead, so I bet you’ll find she’s gone into all this with her eyes wide open.’

Meg had, he suddenly realised. But had he? For a moment the roaring in his ears drowned out the noise of the rowdy bar. It downed out everything. Stefan’s lips moved. It took an effort of will to focus on the words emerging from them.

‘...and she’ll have the hubby and the rest of her family to help her out and give her the support she’ll need.’

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and focused on his breathing. ‘She’s going to be a single mum.’ She had no partner to help her, and as far as family went... Well, that had all gone to hell in a hand basket years ago. Meg’s father and Elsie? Fat lot of good they’d be. Meg had no one to help her out, to offer her support. No one. Not even him—the man who’d helped get her pregnant.

A breath whistled out of Stefan. ‘Man, that’s tough.’

All the same, he found himself bristling on Meg’s behalf. ‘She’ll cope just fine. She’s smart and independent and—’

‘I’m not talking about the mum-to-be, mate. I’m talking about the baby. I mean it’s tough on the baby. A kid deserves to have a mother
and
a father.’

Ben found it suddenly hard to swallow. And breathe. Or speak. ‘Why?’ he croaked.

‘Jeez, Ben, parenting is hard work. When one person hits the wall the other one can take over. When one gets sick, the other one’s there. Besides, it means the kid gets exposed to two different views of the world—two different ways of doing things and two different ways of solving a problem. Having two parents opens up the world more for a child. From where I’m sitting, every kid deserves that.’

Ben’s throat went desert-dry. He wanted to moisten it, to down the rest of his beer in one glorious gulp, but his hands had started to shake. He dragged them off the table and into his lap, clenched them. All he could see in his mind’s eye was Meg, heavily pregnant with a child that had half his DNA.

When he’d agreed to help her out he hadn’t known he’d feel this...
responsible
.

‘But all that aside,’ Stefan continued, ‘a baby deserves to be loved unconditionally by the two people who created it. I know I’m talking about an ideal world, here, Ben, but...I just think every kid deserves that love.’

The kind of love he and Meg hadn’t received.

The kind of love he was denying his child.

He swiped a hand in front of his face. No!
Her
child!

‘You’ll understand one day, when you have your own kids, mate.’

‘I’m never—’

He couldn’t finish the sentence. Because he
was
, wasn’t he? He was about to become a father. And he knew in his bones with a clarity that stole his breath that Uncle Ben would never make up for the lack of a father in his child’s life.

His
child.

He turned back to Stefan. ‘You’re going to have to find someone to replace me. I can’t lead Thursday’s safari.’ Three weeks in the heart of Africa? He shook his head. He didn’t have that kind of time to spare. He had to get home and make sure Meg was all right.

He had to get home and make sure the baby was all right.