First Class to New York (17 page)

“Oh, that’s sweet,” she said. “So he’s a Navy Seal?”

“Yep, he wanted to join the army right after 9/11, but Mom
and Dad wouldn’t let him, even though he was eighteen. He was taking a year off
before he started college to decide what he wanted to do with his life, and
then the twin towers happened and it made up his mind for him, I guess.”

“So he didn’t join the Army, right?”

“No, he went to Columbia and did their ROTC program and five
years later he was a Navy Seal, heading off to God knows where, doing God knows
what.”

“How long has he been doing that?”

“About five years, I guess.”

“Wow! He is a true hero.”

“Yeah, he is. But he’s my brother first and I worry about
him.”

Janie looked up at Matt and could see the concern and love
in his eyes.

“You’re a good brother,” she said.

“I try to be.”

Matt hailed a cab and they climbed in, Matt giving the
driver an address she didn’t recognize.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“My place.”

It was a high-rise near the Financial District. Janie kind
of recognized some of the area from her trip to Matt’s office. But on a Sunday,
it was much quieter. Matt paid the cabbie and they headed into the modern
building. The doorman greeted Matt and smiled at Janie.

Once again, the word ‘swanky’ came to Janie. It smelled of
money, wealth and power.
You’d have to have all three to live in a building
such as this one.
They walked across the lobby to the elevator and
once inside, Matt inserted a card into the wall panel and it started moving
upward.

The doors opened and they stepped out into a small hallway,
one door at one end and one door at the opposite end.

“Only two apartments?” she asked.

Matt nodded, and Janie was just coming to realize how rich
he really was. It kind of made her a bit nervous but she didn’t have time to
dwell on it because Matt was opening a door and guiding her into his home.

Janie’s mouth dropped open and she came to a complete stop.
What she saw in front of her was awesome, to say the least. They entered into a
very open space with two-story high ceilings and a wall of windows that gave
way to the most spectacular view Janie had ever seen.

They were high up and the expanse of skyscrapers that lay in
front of them was impressive. There was the tiniest glimpse of the Brooklyn
Bridge and Janie wondered what it would look like at night.

“Wow!” she whispered.

“Do you like it?” asked Matt.

“Who wouldn’t?”

Janie stepped into the room a few more steps and looked
around her. The floor was some kind of exotic marble, maybe, and the
furnishings probably cost as much as her entire house. In fact, she decided,
her entire house could fit in this one room. There were several seating areas
and a large bar that sat eight, and at one end stood a grand piano. At the
other end she saw an elegant dining table with fourteen chairs around it and a
massive modern chandelier hanging down in the middle.

“You must have amazing dinner parties,” she stated.

“Actually, I never have,” he replied. “The designer said
that it’s what the space needed so that’s what we went with.” Matt shrugged.

“How long have you lived here?”

“Um, I guess it’s just over two years now.”

Janie walked to the wall of windows. There was a patio
outside, about ten feet wide she guessed, that ran the length of the building.
Matt came and stood next to her and grabbed her hand.

“Let me show you the rest of the place.”

They walked past the bar and past the dining table and
turned into a cook’s dream of a kitchen. There was a massive commercial stove
and double ovens and a huge refrigerator and separate freezer. The countertops
were an almost-black granite and the cabinetry was a rich cherry wood. There
was even a built-in espresso machine.

Janie was in awe.
I would love to cook in here
, she
thought.

Behind the kitchen were a bedroom and bathroom and a laundry
room, with a door.

“Where does that go?” she asked.

“That’s the service entrance. The door in the hallway
outside is hidden. You have to know it’s there. This is the live-in help’s
quarters.”

“You have a live-in maid?” Janie gaped.

“No, but I
could
have one if I wanted,” grinned Matt.
“I just have a cleaning service that comes in once a week. But I live here
alone and I’m not that messy.”

He took her back through the kitchen and out past the dining
table to a small hallway that held two doors.

“These are the guest rooms,” he said as he opened the first
door.

Janie entered to find a beautifully decorated room, with a
big bed full of pillows and a small sitting area. This room also had a wall of
windows and it looked as though the balcony extending right around the
building.

“The view is just breathtaking,” she said, actually a little
breathless.

Matt opened the glass door and stepped out onto the patio.
Janie followed, her hair instantly caught in the breeze.

“It can be a bit windy up this high,” he laughed, as Janie
tried to contain her hair.

They walked to the end of the balcony and Matt pointed to a
building and said, “If you can see that tall building right through there with
the dome thing on top, that’s where my office is.”

Janie nodded, although she wasn’t sure she was looking at
the right building. Matt walked to the end of the balcony and stood, deep in
thought. Janie stood next to him, knowing he was thinking something but not
wanting to interrupt him. What seemed liked several minutes passed and then
Matt tilted his head and turned to Janie.

“And right up there is Ground Zero.”

Janie looked and looked but couldn’t see anything. Then she
realized that was the problem.
The buildings are gone. They can’t be seen.
It was a somber moment and she couldn’t imagine what the people of this city
had gone through during those terrible hours, days and weeks.

Matt’s expression was serious and Janie squeezed his hand.
Matt tried to smile, but she could see something in his eyes. Pain?

“Did you know anyone that, well, that was there that day?”

Matt nodded. He looked back in the direction of the towers
and sighed. “My buddy from Duke, Wes, worked in the towers. I had talked to him
just a couple of days before and………”

“I’m so sorry.” What else could Janie say? She had watched
the dreadful events on the TV and was shocked at the terrorist attack in her
country. But she hadn’t known anyone personally who had been affected, and she
was three thousand miles away, really quite removed from the whole thing.

“It could have been me,” he continued.

“What?” Janie was horrified.

“I had been offered the same job as Wes right out of
college,” he explained. “We had thought it would be fun to work together, but I
really didn’t see myself as a stock broker. And I wanted to be my own boss, not
have to answer to anyone else. So I turned it down. But Wes went and he loved
his job. He was good at it too.”

Janie put her arm around his waist and rested her head on
his bicep. It had been over ten years, but it was obvious the healing still
wasn’t complete. It pained her to see him hurt. She wished there was a way to
take it from him.

They stood there for several more minutes, Matt’s mood
somber and Janie not knowing what to do, so she just tried to be ready for
whatever he needed.

What’s going on here? I shouldn’t feel like this. I can’t
be so connected to him. I have to leave. There isn’t a future here!

Janie’s mind and heart were beginning to conflict each
other. She felt things for Matt she knew she shouldn’t be feeling. How on earth
was she going to deal with that?

*****

They had gone back into the giant room Matt called the great
room and were at the bar enjoying a bottle of cabernet. They had talked more
about Matt’s childhood and he had told her about his adventures playing
football.

“Tyler would love you,” Janie laughed, and then gasped at
what she had said. Her face went white and she lowered her eyes to her hands
and immediately bit her cheek.

“What’s wrong?” Matt asked, concerned at her instant
retreat.

You hate kids! Kids are a deal breaker!
“I didn’t
mean to…….”

“What?”

Janie fidgeted with her hands, unable to look at him.

“Janie,” he pleaded, “Tell me. What is it?”

“Beth said you hated kids and I have two and so I figured if
you hated them so much I shouldn’t probably talk about them, but then I did and
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but,”

“Fuck Beth!” he muttered. “Beth doesn’t know shit. She
thinks I hate kids because I told her we weren’t going to have any, and she was
more than fine with that because she would rather die than ever have her body
ruined by having a baby.”

He thinks my body is ruined?
Janie gulped and felt a
wave of nausea overcome her.

“Oh, shit! Janie, that’s not what I meant.” Matt rubbed his
temple with his hand and closed his eyes. “I didn’t mean that how it came out.
I’m sorry.”

Janie could actually feel the tears filling her eyes and she
stood quickly and walked to the kitchen, mumbling that she needed the bathroom.
She couldn’t bare it if he saw her cry.

*****

Janie looked in the mirror at her reflection; tears rolling
down cheeks, cheeks blotchy and eyes red. She closed her eyes and tried to get
her emotions in check. It wasn’t the ‘ruined body’ comment. She knew he liked
her body, stretch marks and all. It was everything all coming apart at once. So
much had happened in such a short period of time and she wasn’t sure she could
take any more.

Slumping to the floor, she sat with a wad of toilet paper in
her hand and blew her nose. Of all the bathrooms Matt had showed her in his
apartment, she had come to this one, the maid’s room. That spoke volumes. She
didn’t belong in his world. She was Formica not granite. She was Ford not BMW.
She was Kohl’s not Bloomingdales. She was coach not first class.

Her finger travelled over the grout in the tile floor. Janie’s
mind went to her home in Portland. It was homey and comfortable and it was
where she and Robert had raised their children. It looked like all the other
homes in the neighborhood; a well-kept three bedroom ranch house and she
realized now that in order to move forward with her life, to start over, she
needed to leave it. She couldn’t really start over with all of the memories
constantly surrounding her. She would need somewhere fresh and new; a place to
make new memories. Robert had given her permission to do so and her trip had
given her the desire to do so. She was ready to take the step. She had let go.
Another tear fell.

Matt was the perfect man and in a Lifetime movie, he would
walk in and pick her up and kiss her tears dry and they would live happily ever
after. But her life wasn’t a ‘made for television’ movie. Life really didn’t
work out like that.

Why was he with her?
What does he see in me?
How long
could this possibly last, even if she wanted it to. Did she want it to last?

Do I love him? Please God no! I have to walk away because
he wants to walk away.

She stood and blew her nose. She splashed cold water on her
face and took several deep breaths.

I’m not ready for this to end.
The realization was
hard for Janie to accept. How could the first man be the one she wanted to
start over with?
It’s not an option. He’s not available.
He had made
himself clear.
Then I’ll take what he is willing to offer. Three more days
and then we walk away and I will treasure these memories forever.

*****

Janie walked back to the bar but Matt had gone. He was
standing in front of the windows staring off into the distance. He turned to
her as she approached, looking at her, looking for an idea of what had just
happened.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“No,” he grabbed her chin and forced her eyes up to him. “I
should tell you about Suzanne.”

He led her to a rich brown leather sofa and she curled up in
the corner, giving herself a little space between them. Matt leaned his head
back and sighed, then he began.

“I met Suzanne a couple of years after college. She was
working in a bar I used to go to with Wes and Mark and she was a little flirty,
with everyone, and after a few months she gave me her number. I kept it for a
few weeks and then one night I called her and we went out. It was fun and she
was pretty hot and I was horny.”

Janie’s eyes opened wide at the confession and Matt
continued.

“I was about twenty-five and not ready for anything serious,
but I saw her a few times and then she got pregnant. At first I was really
pissed off, you know. She said she was on the pill and I believed her. So we
went to City Hall and got married. My mom was really disappointed not having a big
wedding, but I just wanted it done. We’d been married about four months when I
found out from a voicemail from the doctor’s office that she had miscarried.”

“Oh Matt, I’m sorry.”  

“The thing was, the voicemail was to reschedule her upcoming
appointment, so I called to find out when cuz I figured she would want me to
go, and I found out that she had miscarried five weeks earlier and the appointment
was to make sure everything was good to go so she could start trying to get
pregnant again.”

Janie was shocked and her expression said it all.

“Apparently she was going to get pregnant again and I was
never supposed to know she miscarried.”

“That makes no sense,” said Janie. “The timing would be,
would be…..”

“Fucked up, right? Yeah, but she hadn’t thought that far
ahead.” Matt shook his head. “The thing is, I didn’t know I wanted the baby
until I found out it had died, that she had died.”