Fireproof (31 page)

"You never know," Mike said. "Maybe I'll earn a bit of mercy. Get a painless exit."

"Can't see it, Mike."

"Well, the copious amount of drugs will buy me a little time to come up with a way to kill the fucker."

The big dog laughed. "You mean these little tablets you called almonds, Mike?" Again the middle head was the voice of the trio. "These shitty, modern chemicals can't drop me. Nice flavour though."

Mike's shoulders didn't slump and his chin remained raised, but Cathy recognised it as bravado.

In frustration, Cathy grabbed an ashtray from a table and launched it at the imp. Her aim was true and the ashtray connected. The imp tumbled from its perch and hit the floor with a clap. Cathy felt a little better. Her three companions laughed. Even Cerberus smirked a little. The imp was less than amused.

"Right! That's bloody it!"

The imp flexed its flattened body and managed to make it to its feet. It stormed across the dance floor towards Cathy. It muttered all the way.

"Sick and fucking tired of all this…"

Cathy waited patiently for the disgusting little thing to get within range. Her plan was to soccer kick it right across the room. Cadbury intercepted her. He picked up the imp by trapping its head between his thumb and index finger. He rolled it into a green, swearing tube and held it like a baton. The tighter Cadbury squeezed, the more muffled the imp's torrent of verbal abuse became. Veins rose on the butler's forearm and the imp fell silent.

"Thanks, Cadbury," Mike said. "So, Cerberus, you won't be falling asleep on us?"

"No, Mike. Nice try, though. And nice choice. Honey cakes are the best."

"There's still a few more here. You want those too?"

"Of course."

Mike tossed three more cakes at the beast. They disappeared in a flash. Two more remained. Mike didn't offer them.

"Thanks for that, Mike. You know what? As a mark of respect, this won't be just as gruesome as it could be.
And
you can kiss your lady goodbye."

Mike nodded stiffly to the dog and turned to Cathy. Cadbury and Jim respectfully averted their gazes.

"I guess this is it," Mike said. "I'll do what I can to come back."

A light bulb flicked on in Cathy's mind.

"Mike, remember when we researched how to beat Cerberus? It wasn't just drugs. Music was another method."

"I remember, but we didn't take a radio."

"We do have a couple of karaoke kings with us, though."

Mike smiled. "You're a genius, baby."

"That's enough chat, Mike," Cerberus said. "Kiss her and we'll get this over with."

Mike kissed Cathy and she felt a very real pain in her heart. If they didn't get out of this, it would kill her.

"Can I shake hands with my friends before I go?"

The dog shook its three heads in unison and snorted. "Fine, just hurry it up."

Mike turned to Cadbury and Jim. "This is it, boys. Do you think you could send me off with a wee song?"

"Are you serious?" Jim asked.

"I think he is," Cadbury said.

"No sense in making this a gloomy affair," Mike said. "Sing a few verses from ‘The Irish Rover' will you? I think I can identify with that one."

Cadbury hummed a few bars and Jim sang the first legendary verse of a song ingrained into the memory of every Irish reveller that ever supped a pint.

"I've been the Wild Rover for many a year. I spent all my money on whiskey and beer!"

The boys stamped their feet in a dulcet rhythm as a song, usually belted out with drunken exuberance, was sang with the depth and sincerity of a funeral hymn. Cadbury held the rolled-up imp in front of both of their faces as they sang the chorus in harmony.

"And it's no, nay, never. No, nay, never, no more. Will I play the Wild Rover, no, never, no more."

Mike turned back to Cathy and they danced a slow shuffle. She looked into his eyes. She saw hope there. She always saw hope there. Mike would never surrender. Never. Cathy looked to Cerberus. The boys were on their third verse and the big dog was transfixed. The boys hit notes that song was never meant to inspire and they made them work. It became a thing of beauty. The song about a young man, returning to his family begging forgiveness for a misspent youth, brought tears to six canine eyes.

"Shouldn't we try and do something while he's distracted?" Cathy asked.

"I haven't thought of anything yet, princess. Let's just enjoy this dance. Sure the boys can sing another and we'll think of something then."

Cathy couldn't argue with Mike. The moment was too important. Intense yet dreamlike. Utterly bizarre, but the most real thing she'd ever experienced. She imagined that only her own death would top this experience.

The song ended and the moment was snatched away. Cerberus growled, three distinct notes creating a horrific chord. They were out of time. Mike squeezed Cathy's hand and walked slowly towards the growling dog. Towards his fate.

"Would you not like to hear another song, big lad?" Jim asked.

"No, this ends now!" Each of Cerberus's heads spoke in unison. The beast battled to focus on the matter at hand. The tension in the huge shoulder muscles signalled an internal struggle for control, as if resisting the urge to kick back and listen to one more song.

"He's like a coiled spring, Jim," Mike said. He didn't turn as he spoke but he halted his advance. "Don't risk it. I'm not sure about the rules, but I don't want him to attack you guys." Mike took another step towards the dog.

"I'll miss you, Mike," Jim said.

"I'll maybe see you all again soon. Don't worry."

The dog, oblivious to the exchange, continued to growl in harmony as Mike made slow progress. The dog waited. Cathy assumed it didn't trust itself to move.

"There are still a couple of honey cakes here, Mike," Cadbury said.

Cathy wanted to scream. What kind of remark was that to make? Did he really want Mike to be thinking about cake in his final moments?

"Cadbury," Mike said, "if you've thought of something, I think the tension has been dragged out long enough. Time for you to spring into action, I'd say."

Cathy watched as Cadbury grabbed one of the honey cakes from the table and placed it in Jim's hands. With his back to Cerberus, he shoved the rolled-up imp into the centre of the cake and grabbed the second one. He squished the two cakes together; the imp caught between them. Cadbury tucked the honey cake and imp sandwich under his arm like a rugby ball and sprinted towards Mike. He shouldered his master and friend out of the way. Cerberus was shocked into a confused attack and the middle head darted out at Cadbury. The butler slammed on the brakes and back-stepped with supernatural speed and grace. He tossed the cakes into the beast's mouth. Cerberus swallowed without chewing, clearing its mouth for another attack.

Cathy raised her hands to her mouth but couldn't look away as Cerberus advanced on Cadbury. The crazy old bastard had just proved he was fast, but he had nowhere to run. She wouldn't let him die without trying to help. She stepped forward. Mike stood up and went to Cadbury's side. Jim moved in step with Cathy. Together, the four of them faced the three-headed dog.

Then it happened. The eyes of Cerberus's middle head watered and swelled. The heads on either side made questioning grunts as they turned on their lithe necks to look at the middle head. It made choked snorting sounds.

"What was in that cake?" the head on the left asked.

"Where's the imp?" the head on the right asked.

"Oh fuck!" they said in unison.

The heads on each side snapped and tore at the neck of the middle head. It foamed at the mouth. Its eyes, doubled in size, rolled about in two different directions at two speeds. The other heads tried their best to separate it from their shared shoulders. After a few more seconds of yelping, screeching chaos, the huge hellhound imploded. A sound like thunder marked its exit from their plain.

"That was fucking mad," Jim said.

Cathy couldn't think of a more poetic way to say it.

"You're not just a homeless psychic, are you, Cadbury?" Mike asked.

"Oh, I am, but a whole lot more besides."

"Me and you are going to have words, soon. You knew that would happen when Cerberus ate the imp. I want to know how."

Cadbury nodded and winked again. Cathy didn't care what he was or what he knew. She jumped at him and wrapped her arms around his neck with such ferocity she almost knocked him over.

"You wonderful man," she said. "You're a bloody godsend."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"So, is that it, then?" Jim asked. "Are you staying now, Mike?"

Mike shrugged. "I honestly don't know, mate. But I'd say we've definitely bought some time. Enough time to get pissed, anyway."

Cathy thought they'd all earned a drink. Fuck it. Tomorrow would take care of itself.

Mike was in Hell, but he had no recollection of dying. Lucifer sat at the vast ironwood desk and Mike occupied his usual chair opposite. The graffiti had been removed from the Dell logo on the back of the computer monitor. Lucifer was not smiling.

"How did I get here?" Mike asked.

"You're not here. I'm in your head. We needed to talk and this is how you best remember me."

"So I'm really sleeping off last night's drunk? Cathy is lying beside me and this is a dream?"

"Yes."

Mike concentrated hard on wakening. Through the murk of subconscious he could feel the warmth of Cathy's body beside him and her steady breath on his neck, but he could not shake the dream. Lucifer pulled him back into it.

"You've been very lucky, Mike. Cerberus hasn't failed me since Ancient Greek Legends roamed about this place like it was a neighbouring country. He has been highly dependable for aeons."

"Did the big dog die?"

"No, but the poor beast will be out of action until the imp passes through its system and the damage to its middle neck is healed. Where did you get this Cadbury fellow from?"

"He came to me."

Lucifer nodded thoughtfully but didn't pursue the enquiry. Mike was surprised there was a gap in the Prince of Evil's knowledge. Who was Cadbury? And who sent him?

"So, how long before you send something else after me? Do I have a week? Two?"

"I'm going to allow you to continue your work on Earth."

"What?" Mike didn't believe this for a second.

"You were really making progress up there in the last week. Involving the bishop was a spark of genius."

"But doesn't this all reflect badly on you? Surely it looks like I've won or something."

"Mike, I invented spin. I don't care about how anything looks, because there's an angle to everything that works for me. Already I've started referring to the honey cake and imp incident as a test, not a retrieval exercise. Who's going to question
me
? I'm the
God damned
Devil!"

"You cared enough about bad publicity to send me on this bloody mission to begin with!"

After a minute of confusion, Mike realised that the howls and screeches that raped his eardrums were actually a burst of laughter from the big evil one. He waited for the bloodcurdling noise to cease with his hands pressed to his ears. This did nothing to muffle the sound but some things were done out of unbreakable habit.

Eventually, Lucifer wiped the oceanic tears of laughter from his planet-sized eyes and shrugged.

"You seem rather attached to that body, so I won't take it from you. Joe Murray, the taxi driver, has exercised his so-called free will and decided not to talk. He is also afraid to approach Cathy for the money she offered him. Another win-win situation for the most talked about couple in Satanism."

"So why didn't you just send the imp to tell me I was off the hook? Why sic Cerberus on me?"

"I'd promised the big lummox another go at you. I was going to send you back anyway, but I figured, no harm no foul. It was easier to let him have you than tell those big puppy dog eyes what they didn't want to hear."

Mike rubbed his head. He wanted to wake up and experience a headache he could understand. You knew where you stood with a hangover, but with an insane, fallen angel, the edges got blurry.

"So if I continue the way I've been going, we're cool?"

"Well, there
are
one or two things you could avoid for me."

"Ah, the conditions. Please do share."

Lucifer snorted in disapproval of Mike's tone. Mike dropped his gaze. It'd been so long since he was face to face with his master he'd forgotten about the required level of respect. He didn't want to anger this insane god.

"Sorry, Master, I mean to say, what are the conditions?"

"If you die again, you're not going back. You're good, but you're not irreplaceable. You've set the wheels of Satanism in motion and I'm rewarding you for your hard work by letting you off with damaging Cerberus. However, you've also done enough to allow someone with half your charm and talent to take the religion to the next level."